Glee Recap 3X4 Pot O Gold

Top o the ev'ning to ye, Gleekers! Let's head to the pub for a pint o' Guiness and drink a toast to the return of Glee. Either that, or you may drown your sorrows in reaction to some of the writing in this episode. And if ye happen to meet a wee leprechaun in yer travels to the pub, don't ask him for wishes, because he may make you eat out of the cat box before you get to the end of the rainbow.

It's magically delicious.

Kiss me, I'm part Irish. While this fun fact is delightful every March, right now, I find it a little embarrassing. Still, what's Glee when it's not shoving heavy handed stereotypes down our throats? Everybody gets a turn!

Is anybody reading this recap, or are you just watching the promos for next week over and over?

As the episode opens we see Brittany at her locker, where she has a spread of herself on the cover of American Cheerleader. I see her presidential campaign is going even better than expected. A cute little face I've never seen before pops up next to her with a magical poof and utters something Irish and impossible to understand, and she asks him to speak English. We have a few muttering moments of broad brogue and Brittney mumbles, but the gist of this odd, unbelievably poorly acted scene appears to be that Brit thinks this new little guy is a leprechaun and he's going to grant her wishes by making all her Lucky Charms marshmallow. McKinley High School, your frontrunner for Senior Class President. The face of female empowerment everywhere. She kisses him and floats off, as some mullet headed loser from the hockey team slams him into a locker. I get an immediate feeling of deja vu and wonder if Mullet Man will be kissing him in the sixth episode this season. Wait, where's Karofsky? Isn't this his gig? Have the Bully Whips disbanded already? Finn looks on at this abuse, and does... nothing. Yeah, that's the Finn I know and am completely irritated with. Looking on helplessly as bullying happens, a fine personal tradition since 2009. He will learn a Very Special Lesson before this is all over. Again.

And if you don't really like Finn like this, just fast forward. I understand he's heavily featured in the promos for next week that you can watch over and over.

Quinn and Puck missed the memo: just because they look old enough to hang out in the Teacher's Lounge does not mean they should actually do that. However, they storm the teacher's place of refuge bearing gifts, promises, and a thinly veiled insult for Shelby: a gift of concealer to hide the invisible bags under her very glamorous eyes. Quinn suggests, out of the generous goodness of her sour little heart, that Shelby is tired and strained and she needs a little me time. Quinn and Puck want to babysit Beth! Shelby is a bit reluctant at first, but when Quinn very honestly tells her that they once brought Will's demonspawn nieces to heel, Shelby sighs and begins to consider this. I myself ponder the implication that a woman who has completely ignored her own daughter now has complete and total control over whether or not the birth parents of the child she adopted get to see the person they brought into the world. And then I remember that she's dealing with that paragon of personal ethics and compassion, Quinn, who may actually be my least favorite person in this entire little universe. Shelby, take your kid and run back to Broadway. I saw your Elpheba costume on sale last week. Maybe it still fits.

 Sue is in her Corner, railing against government waste. At first we think she's merely incensed that Verna the lunch lady threw away precious turkey gravy in a nefarious scheme to prevent the student body of McKinley High from suffering from food poisoning. But no, that's just the warmup rant. Sue has somehow acquired a secret document that reveals the budget for West Side Story. You can tell it's a Secret Document because it's brightly colored with eye-catching red stripes and the subtle code words "TOP SECRET" right on the front. Apparently nobody is aware that McKinley, like any government-run organization, is subject to the Open Records act and there's no reason to hide the budget for the school musical from anyone.

She is quite correct that West Side Story is a violent musical about a race war that glamorizes gang violence. Is it extraordinarily gay? Well, they certainly went to quite brutal lengths to avoid that impression. I guess they failed and they might as well have let the flaming gay kid sing and dance anyway. I am not done pouting about that. Wait until we get to the advertising, when I really lose it. Yeah, it's my recap and I can be irrational if I wanna. Where was I? Oh, yeah. They are spending $2000 for this production of West Side Story. Apparently, they could have paid the year's salary of a math teacher with that. Yeah, there are certainly some screwed up priorities somewhere around here, and it might explain why we are waiting to be taken over by our Chinese Overlords. I am going to guess that either Spanish teachers make more money than math teachers at McKinley, Sue is lying, or Will's parents have died and have left him a trust fund that enables him to... eat. And buy a basket full of dirty magazines to freak out Emma. If you've forgotten the reference, don't feel bad. The last episode, Asian F, was a loooooooooooong time ago. If they want to stop the ratings free fall, they've got to stop going on interminable hiatuses so often, expecially when they return with an episode this weak.

At any rate, Sue issues a call to arms against this high school musical, which sets the school secretary phone's blazing with screeching protest. One particularly hysterical momma holds up a big sign that says "ANGRY"! I read one post that suggested it might be Azimio's mom, mad that her son is being held hostage in the musical, and I liked that idea. Free Azimio! Give his role to somebody who wants to sing and dance! Maybe Azimio would feel better playing Officer Krupke! No, I am not going to stop pouting, because they REALLY blew it here, especially since the school musical is still so gay. And Will, in Figgin's office, is also ANGRY. Apparently, Sue's pom pom budget is $4000 a month. This is not Top Secret. Now I understand why they need Sugar Motta's dad to supply the toilet paper. Will is deeply, I say, DEEPLY disappointed, because he thought Figgins was a Friend of the Arts. I am trying to figure out where he got this idea. Was it when Figgins threatened to close Glee Club down in the first year if they did not place at Regionals? Was it his tireless dedication to ignoring the fact that the Glee Club members get slushied for existing? Maybe they had a heart discussion about Figgin's deep Love of the Arts off-screen in between episodes, where most of the real conflict resolution in this series takes place.

Figgins, who is caught between a rock and a metaphor, relays a tale of woe. Apparently, the woman I now agree is Azimio's mom attacked Figgins in the parking lot because her illiterate son had to sing and dance. Then she threw a rock through his window.

Holding up signs? Busting the window of a car? Is this woman related to Azimio, or to Mercedes?

Sue declares that the voters are enraged, and they are about to teach McKinley High some priorities. Because apparently West Side Story is at fault for the double dip recession. Funny, last episode, we had a recession because McKinley always chooses boys for Senior Class President. How can we use this information to change the current economic crisis? I bet our President would like to know. Or maybe he's too busy to care about political science as defined by Glee.

Will offers to raise the money for West Side Story himself. Funny how, even though he decided not to be involved in West Side Story so he could focus on Sectionals, he is sucked in. Where are Beiste and Emma in all of this?

Santana has an adorable little picture of grossly obese Lord Tubbington in her locker. There is much tumblr speculation that this picture is a Chris Colfer original, and I like that idea. I would, of course. Never said I wasn't biased as hell, but I own that freely. Mercedes approaches this girl, whom she despises and calls Satan, with the pointed question, "How many solos did you get last year?"

It occurs to me that Santana should probably reply, "Well, I single-handedly rescued New Directions from defeat at the hands of the Warblers, because that god-awful duet between Quinn and Sam would have left us in third place if I hadn't rocked the house with Valerie." Her answer, "A few" is kind of subdued, although she does also mention The Lips in Rocky Horror, which was also kind of awesome. Mercedes is willing to bury the hatchet because she and Santana sound amazing together, which is true, and because she thinks they will get all the solos and duets. I suspect, in an organization that only has two members and neither of them are Rachel, this is likely to be the case. Hell, TINA might get solos in Shelby's new group. KURT might... no, wait, he's a boy. He just sounds like a girl. Penises not required. He can't sing anywhere. Ever.

Shelby's group is all girl power, all the time. Santana shows a defensive edge when she questions why she should care about an all girl group, but Mercedes does not understand. Then Mercedes hits the important point: Shelby is competent. People singing for her... get better. Mercedes appreciates this, and I understand her feelings.

Behind the two girls, hidden in the shadows, out of focus, lurks a Frankenteen. He eavesdrops. He waits. How they managed to ignore the stealthy spying of somebody that lumbering and huge...

Santana hesitates at the idea of leaving New Directions because of Brittany. Brittany lives in a beautiful fantasy land, but somebody needs to help her cross the street, and Santana needs to be that person. It is absolutely the kindest and wisest thing I've ever heard this girl say. Mercedes, who fully expects to gut the New Directions of all female voices (except Tina and Kurt) suggests that Brittany join Shelby's group. I am not entirely sure she realizes this basic principle: the more girls who aren't Rachel join, the more directions they have to split those solos.

And... uh.... Shelby is Rachel's MOTHER, and she owes her BIGTIME. If Rachel were ever to join... would any of them ever have any shot at all?

In fact, if I were Will, I'd have a special covert assignment for my Glee Captain. This problem is too easy to solve.


In the choir room Tina is crying as Mike looks on helplessly. Boyfriends often get that frantic, helpless look when their women start bawling. I have not been particularly aware of Tina crying a lot, possibly because that would involve consistent characterization, of which she has had absolutely none. However, we do know that Jenna, when called to cry, usually does so unusually badly, so good call on making her do this again. Santana, who has had some spectacular crying moments herself, and I have seen the obiquitous gifs to prove it, sneers. Tina is weeping because Mercedes is one of the six original Glee Club members, and she feels naked performing without her. (Did she have a similar meltdown around Thanksgiving last year? We lost one of the original six then, too. Maybe it was off camera.) Puck thinks that they will have to perform naked to win now. While this might be quite an interesting stunt to boost the ratings, I do not really see why losing Mercedes is such a big deal. She never got any big solos anyway... which is... kind of the point Mercedes is trying to make here. Quinn blames Shue for being too hard on Mercedes at Booty Camp. Yeah, asking her to dance the Widowmaker is too hard.

Finn. Can. Dance. The. Widowmaker.

FINN! And he's not pouting. Of course, he gets to sing solos whether he sounds good on them or not, which has been a big problem for two years, but the solution may have arrived in bad bowties and high water pants. Sorry, I am getting ahead of myself.


Tina blames Artie. Why couldn't he have given Maria to Mercedes?

Because... he... did? Yes, he did. She won. This was her choice.

Because... she's a big, loud brassy diva and as poorly suited to the gentle, demure role as Kurt was to Tony?

No, apparently it's because giving Maria to Mercedes would have damaged his integrity as an artist. Obviously it was Beiste who demanded that the big girl get to play the delicate ingenue. All my respect for that character is permanently gone, big old hetronormative hypocrite. Don't cry to me next time somebody says you aren't pretty. Not mad at Artie. He was at least consistent in his conventional thinking, and I also think he was right.

Rachel bursts through the door, apologizing for her late entrance. She was putting up the posters for her... campaign.. uh... Death stares from the man in tweed. Rachel loses a step, notably rattled. "Did you airbrush your jowls?" he sneers, in a snide moment that takes me back two years, and even Blaine looks at Kurt in disappointment, suddenly aware that the Most Moral and Compassionate Person He Knows is only moral and compassionate to people who have not stabbed him in the back. There is a Wonderful Kurt and a Catty Kurt, and Blaine has just met Catty Kurt for the first time. Is this why he left Dalton?

Finn jumps up to save the day. "So we lost a singer? So they canceled our musical?" Way to set your girlfriend off, Finn. Finn thinks they should not be turning on each other. Blaine agrees. His experience with the Warblers has taught him that no show choir is just one person. It's a team. (Unless it's the Warblers, which was once correctly characterized as Blaine and the Pips.) Warblers just replaced absent members. Finn immediately shuts this helpful monologue down because they don't wear blazers in New Directions. Which is really too bad for Blaine, because he has not yet learned how to dress himself without a uniform. This is FINN'S turf, and FINN'S trying to have a pep talk. Blaine reminds Finn that that should not turn on each other.

Ah, Douche Finn has returned. My favorite character from season two (barf) is now front and center. Maybe this is why Finn did not talk for three episodes. So now Blaine has two reasons to wonder why he left Dalton. The Hudmel boys are not representing well today.

Rachel is still back at her hysteria that the musical has been canceled. Will, who is acting as the calm grownup for a change, suggests that they actually try to solve the problem the American way – through advertising. They will offer advertisements in the West Side Story program, just like every other musical program in the country. Kurt, who has approximately three spoken lines in the show as Officer Krupke, thinks it's a brilliant idea and he's ready to start selling those ads. Will marshals the troops to canvas the city and sell those ads. He leaves them with a promise. No matter who leaves them or what Sue does, everybody's dreams will come true this year.

A minute and a half after he said that, tumblr had a long thread that said "Everybody except Kurt's." I really hope the writers realize what they are creating here and how many people are offended. Which doesn't excuse the twitter meltdown, but ... really.

As they head out the door, Finn asks Santana if she's ready to help out the team. She kind of glares at him, but he knows what he knows. And for Finn to know something is quite a significant accomplishment.


Finn walks in on the lime green little leprechaun we saw earlier. This little green boy is doing weird things to a box of Lucky Charms. What's even weirder, is that he recognizes Finn on sight. Apparently, the Youtube of New Direction's spectacular failure in New York last year went viral, and was a hit even in Ireland. I still can't understand a word Rory says, but thanks to the magic of Closed Captioning I make out that he was pretty fascinated by the whole makeout session during the Nationals duet. Rory gives us a clunky monologue of exposition, in which we learn that he's a foreign exchange student living with Brittany. Then we learn that Brittany thinks Rory is a leprechaun. If Rory grants her three wishes, he can get into her pot of gold. Usually it's the leprechaun who has the pot of gold, but I do not expect logic from Brittany. Only spectacular dancing.

Now, I am thinking that Brittany has a big bucket of those gold-wrapped chocolate coins you put in kid's stockings at Christmas, possibly collected for many years. I think she's under the impression that they are legal American currency which she is offering to share with this little Irish guy who has only Euros to his name.

Rory is a horny male virgin. He thinks the Pot of Gold means something else. Since Rory does not know Brittany very well, he does not understand he does not need to grant her wishes to snog her. Guys can get into Brittany's pot of gold merely by doing something - anything - that indicates ANY chance of interest at all. Brittany successfully made out with KURT during a week when he tried to stop prancing to please his dad. I think she can take you on, little leprechaun. Still, Rory thinks he has to actually work for this, so he's separating the marshmallows from the rest of his lucky charms. My youngest son would like to know if he can babysit, because that's totally my son's first wish, too: Only the marshmallows. Unfortunately, he's tried to separate the marshmallows out all by himself before, which is why we now eat Froot Loops.

Rory is lonely. Maybe it's because nobody can understand anything he says. Or maybe it's because he got his expectations of how he would be welcomed at McKinley by going through the It's a Small World ride at Walt Disney World. He wants more friends.

Would Finn be his friend?

Finn reacts as if he'd just discovered Rory had a crush on him, and his hemming and hawing over this naive request leave me thinking... yeah, he consistently flips at the idea of other guys who need him, unless very carefully indoctrinated otherwise. On the one hand it's a little disappointing, and I suddenly miss Sam, but on the other hand at least it's consistent and he does keep struggling not to be a jerk. But then Finn realizes he might actually be able to get something out of this as the wheels of his brain slowly move. Rory is staying at Brittney's house. Would he be willing to alert Finn to any more defections from New Directions?


And now we get to what is fast becoming my least favorite, most disturbing, ickiest, nastiest Glee plot of all time. Remember when all the Quick shippers were upset because Quinn never got the chance to mourn for her lost child? Remember when a lot of people wanted her to have a chance to reconcile her feelings about this? At the time, I was willing to say that Quinn was an immature egotist who didn't care, and let her move on. I had no conception of how awful this was actually going to be. Just the bare bones. I can't stand this. Shelby is nervous leaving Beth with Quinn and Puck, as if she had a premonition. Puck has scrawled her cell phone number on his hand; Transfer to own cell phone contacts list, please. Beth begins to cry as if she has a premonition that's she's been left with bad people. Shelby leaves, because babies often cry until Momma is gone, and that's true. However, Beth continues to cry until she's out of Quinn's arms and in Puck's instead, which is a good call on her part. Unfortunately, the moment Puck's arms embrace and protect his child, Quinn goes to work planting horrible books about baby sacrifice that probably could only be published in Glee's version of Lima, Ohio. Although I am a librarian, I am not willing to do any research at all to prove myself wrong here. Puck thinks it's extreme to plant evidence that will send Shelby to jail, and I notice that Quinn's fingerprints are all over this stuff while Shelby's are not. Somebody might be going to jail, but it's probably not Shelby.

Back to better people doing better things.

Burt is working in his tire shop when Kurt marches up to show him the program Kurt has designed for West Side Story. It's very attractive and kind of discreetly homoerotic in a 1920s sort of way. Apparently, Kurt has decided to try to get into NYADA by helping out with other aspects of the show production, and that might not be a terrible strategy. Kurt wants Burt to buy some ad space to help save the show. Kurt has already gotten some funding from the friendly local gravediggers, but he was looking for some donations that were a little less likely to remind the audience that all the important male characters get carried off in caskets. Burt immediately goes into action. Like the BAMF he is, he's in Figgin's office surrounded by the owners o f the three mortuaries. These three morbid men have saved the day by writing checks to cover the entire cost of the musical. One of them is really a big fan of all the deaths. I wonder if the crematorium pizza guy has offered to supply the refreshments for intermission.

Will is there as well, although I don't know why. Where are Emma and Beiste?

If you want proof that the Hummels live on a different moral plane from everybody else on Glee, it comes in this situation, as Burt does not once demand that Kurt get to replace reluctant Azimio as one of the show's singing, dancing members. For that matter, Kurt didn't even ask. If this play to save the day had come from ANY other family, you know it would have involved major blackmail. Once in the hallway, Will thanks Burt for his help as they run into Sue. Will tells Sue that Burt has raised the money to save the show, and Burt tells Sue that he's going to raise money to keep her from winning the election.

Sue goes into a long, mean, extremely skillfully and precisely delivered tirade of recycled insults that were funnier the first season when Ian wasn't writing this character on autopilot and she had not become a caricature of herself. Jane Lynch earns her salary making this stuff work as well as it does, and I wish they could find a way to retire Sue and keep Lynch as a better character. Maybe a non-evil twin? Will and Burt agree that it would be nice to see Sue lose just once. Burt has a short memory; Sue hasn't won anything since Kurt helped her to a National Championship two years ago.

They pass by Rory, who is lying to his mother on his cell phone about how nice everybody is at McKinley. One little thug throws his cell phone down for no reason and ends the call. Rory sees Brittany and perks up with an adorable little boy smile that is easily the most effective thing he does. He's got the box of marshmallow charms. After a sweet little hug that ensures Irish eyes are smiling, Brittany asks for her second wish. She wants him to mumble murmur Lord Tubbington mumble nougat. Rory somehow understands this and asks why. Apparently Brittany wants the cat to mumble mumble I don't think I actually want to know what she thinks is going to happen. Rory tries asking her out to dinner instead. I don't know if he wants to ask her on a date or if he's just trying to change the subject. Brittany turns him down because he's only supposed to eat four leaf clovers. I don't know if she really thinks he can't eat food, or she's trying to let him down easily as she goes out with somebody she actually does regularly let into her pot of gold. As Brittany leaves, some thug lets Rory down hard, and he launches into song. Rory apparently has a Kermit the Frog complex, and I wonder if maybe he might just want to try wearing red or yellow if he thinks that being green is the problem. Frankly, I am surprised the thugs of McKinley don't ask Rory to get them some really good Irish lager. One thing I do have say about Rory, however: he's got one of the better male voices on the show, and interestingly enough, when he begins to sing, he's suddenly intelligible. I think they ought to make that his new thing. Instead of being the resident leprechaun, he can be the resident character who never has any spoken lines and only sings.

Oh, wait. That role is taken. Sorry, Blaine.

At least nobody gives him any crap as he holds up the lunch line singing instead of choosing his food. I guess they are used to seeing Glee kids break into melodic soliloquys from time to time, and suddenly I wonder if this is why nobody likes the Glee kids: they hold up the lunch line to sing to themselves. Although Rory is only fifteen, he somehow shares a class with seniors Brittany and Santana, and he comforts himself by watching them eat the marshmallow lucky charms.


Santana and Brittany are at Breadstix, so now we know why Brittany turned Rory down. Santana wants to talk about something they never openly discuss, and Brittany mumbles something that's beginning to make me downright annoyed. Shut up and dance, Heather. This is not working for me. I can't believe she's Damian's go-to scene partner. Somewhere in the middle of Brittany's garbled lines about baths and shrimp, we learn that Santana, who speaks perfectly good and intelligible English, has gotten to a place in her head where she can call her time with Brittany "dating." Brittany gets a little bit easier to understand as she explains how she's going to wish away any student council election controversy that might involve the public finding out she's in a lesbian relationship. Birittany thinks that, simply because Rory is from Ireland, he is by definition made of magic. Yes, this girl is the frontrunner for Senior Class President. Democracy at its finest.

Santana manages to get the conversation back to a reasonable plane: she wants to join Shelby's new show choir and step out from behind Rachel's shadow, but she won't leave without Brittany. Brittany murmurs the word continuity and asks to think about it. Santana is satisfied with holding Brittany's hand. In public. Under a napkin. Baby steps.

Puck is hard at work, cleaning pools, ogling the cougars, and showing off a six pack that clearly belongs to a man of thirty. He's a big fan of global warming because it makes summer last longer, and doesn't really understand what that means for the world of adult Beth. He's up from the three pools to ten, and he has an assistant diving for quarters and dead raccoons. I wonder if this child is old enough to join the Glee Club. Puck likes the older ladies, and they still love him, since they know he's actually only about five years younger than they are. However, he seems to think that showing off baby pictures is an effective mating strategy, even though it throws this woman into the confused arms of little Tony instead. However, Puck does not mind. I think he is genuinely happy to have work, and that's pretty admirable.

Quinn is less impressed. She orders him to get a real job, and reveals that she is... really mentally disturbed. She has called CPS on Shelby, and expects to get custody of Beth in two weeks. Apparently she wants Beth - not because she loves her, not because Shelby is a bad mother, not even because of guilt, but because Quinn has absolutely no ambitions, dreams, or plans of any kind for herself at all. No college plans. No vocational interest. However, she thinks inviting a baby into her seriously bleak future will somehow make this better. Beth is her perfect thing, and Quinn does not realize that being raised by a dangerously screwed up teenager could ruin that. Quinn is not going to do this perfectly. Or well. And having a baby you cannot raise well because you do not have a job is not going to fill the emptiness of lacking all accomplishments. Or... oy. This poor character. How can Dianna even say these lines? Puck's disturbed facial expression is right on target.

Shelby gives Puck a tip on a legitimate job opportunity: her condo manager needs a pool boy. Puck's future looks a little brighter, and a dangerous twinkle develops in his cougar loving eyes.

As we head back to the choir room, Will writes "The Magic is BACK" , which leads me to wonder where we lost it and why. I am not sure if he's referring to New Directions, the choir, or if the writers are desperately sending subliminal messages in effort to stop the ratings free fall. Note to writers: you might want to rethink replacing all your most popular and effective characters with awkward foreign exchange students who won reality shows. Brittany thinks Will has figured out about whatever secret she thinks Rory is keeping. Will announces happily that Kurt and the Hummel/Hudson household have saved the musical. Kurt beams with justified pride and Rachel claps, and they all ignore the question: Dude, after the way the judges treated you and the crappy role you got, why do you even bother? I like to think that he would have replied, "Because Blaine and I practice his scenes with Maria after school, which is why he's already off book. And DAMN I feel pretty today!" OK, that was snarky, but I do think he did it for Blaine's sake.

Blaine has something he wants to say, and Finn already objects without a word. In an effort to raise everybody's morale, he is now going to sing, because they all loved that every time he did it at Dalton. He wants to remind them to have fun, and with that, he launches into... the best scene in the episode. In fact, it's the scene that most made me stop wondering why I was watching this clunky dreck. It's a joyous singalong, and everybody gets into the act. He's on the floor with Brittney, pretending she's his one night stand - at least until Santana, with a very sour expression, drags her away. Then he's goofing off with Chang and Chang, whose pretend umbrage is clearly playful and I swear Mike is impersonating his father. By the chorus, Artie, Quinn and Rachel are rolling or bouncing around happily. Klaine, speaking their own private language of shoulder seduction, shimmy at each other. Finn finally gets over the idea that he didn't get to start the song and lumbers around agreeably.

Santana ain't having it. She sits and scowls, even when Blaine sings directly to her. Undeterred, Blaine calls his own true love to hit the dance floor, and Kurt is up, holding hands and dancing with his guy as naturally as any other teenager in love, twirling and twisting until they all just burst into a happy explosion of goofy fun that cannot be adaquately recapped. This is the kind of scene you can only get from Glee, and it's one of two reasons why I am still here. I could have sworn even Santana smirked for a second. However, as soon as the song is over, Rachel ruins the glow by declaring that this is the song they should do for sectionals. Will probably SHOULD have pointed out why they won't do it for Sectionals.

1. It's a raunchy song about drunken partying, far more appropriate for a school assembly called by Figgins.
2. Since it has been sung on the show, we must never, ever hear it again.

Unfortunately, he says neither and Santana launches into a snit about how Will might want to showcase somebody else instead. Of course, technically New Directions has never showcased Blaine in competition, and Santana sang at Sectionals last year, so her argument, technically speaking, does not work. Or at least, it does not suggest that Santana in particular is the person who should be highlighted. This line of talk is more likely to end in juicy solos for Tina, Artie, and Kurt. However, Will ignores this slice of illogic and instead points out that Santana got to sing lead at Sectionals last year. "Yes, and we won!" she replies.

So... New Directions should showcase people who help them win the most often? How does this not end in deciding that Regionals MVP Rachel gets the big solo? Once again, logic does not matter as Santana throws up her hands, declares New Directions the Blaine and Rachel show, and storms out.

I think it's pretty clear that Santana has a tumblr and she's up on the fan complaint of the week. At this point, Blaine must be making a mental note never, ever to sing around Santana, because something - a piano, her temper - always goes up in flames.

Santana, still brizzling with fury that Blaine sang a peppy little song to make New Directions feels better, lets her tension loose the only way she knows how - by being a full scale, unbridled bitch. Her victim: hapless little Rory, who does not know what hit him., After a few opening salvos of unnecessarily harsh insults toward a boy too timid to speak clearly, she issues an order. He's going to grant her a wish. Santana has a couple of nasty scenes like this one in this episode, and I am just about over it. It was one thing when she was using these skills deliciously to scare away people like Karofsky, but Rory would grant her three wishes if she'd just smile and say hello in the hall without slamming him into a locker. It's called overkill. I have no great love for the leprechaun, but it really bothers me that Santana, founder of the Bully Whips, has not learned one blessed thing.

This horrible, nasty bully is the person Brittany loves most. I will get back to this appalling point later. Having demanded a wish from Rory, Satan takes off without telling him or us exactly what that horrific little outburst was actually about. Lacking that piece of information, he goes on to his task of performing Wish Number Two for Brittany.

And it's actually about Number Twos. Well, sort of. Not really, but much too close for comfort. Apparently the message Brittney gave to him in the secret tongue of mumblese that only they understand, is that she wants him to make ... uh... oh dear.... she wants him to make her cat capable of... uh... producing delicious chocolaty treats through his lower digestive system. And Rory, instead of allowing his face to turn as green as his shirt and seeking saner pastures, has dutifully arrived in her bedroom bearing Snickers bars. This is not good product placement for that candy. He heads toward Lord Tubbington's litter box and actually... oh, UH! begins to... place the candy .. just as Brittany arrives with a cat so fat I am surprised she can even lift him. Lord Tubbington, having tired of a diet made up entirely of nougat and sprinkles, ran to Artie's house in hopes that his owner's ex-boyfriend will remember how to give him real food. Brittany is not sure how Rory got into her room, although I suspect he merely Turned the Magical Doorknob. However, Rory insists that he blinked, which suffices for the moment, and then he shows her the Snickers bars, now nicely covered in a fine layer of kitty litter. Well, Tubbington went to Artie's. Maybe Brittney changed the box before she went out to find him. I hope. She squeals, picks up the Snickers bar, and commits the second grossest act in the history of Glee as she divides it in half and shares it with Rory. The grossest act is coming up a little later in this episode.

I have nothing else to say on that. Just.. no.

While they are sitting around sharing fake turds covered in kitty litter, Rory lets Brittany in on Santana's wish. She wants Brittany to leave New Directions and join Shelby's group. Brittany is conflicted; she does not want to leave New Directions, but on the other hand, she has to do what is ordered by a leprechaun, up to and including eating food that's been in a kitty litter box. Rory's guilty look indicates he'd probably let her off the hook on this one except that Santana would...

Actually, what would she do? She talked a mean game, but are there actually any consequences for disobedience? Is Santana all bark?

Will shows up at Burt's tire shop and attempts to thank him for saving the musical from Sue. Burt's pretty savvy, and demands he cut to the chase. What does he want?

Will wants Burt to run against Sue in the election. Apparently, he thinks if even a blue collar grease monkey like Burt values the arts, everybody will be able to. It occurs to me that the blue collar everyman base Will thinks Burt can attract might have an interesting reaction to the candidate's son, but this might also be a teachable moment. And as it turns out, Burt was thinking the same thing. He's been researching what it takes to get on a write-in ballot, just like that chick in Alaska. May he be more impressive than she. Then Burt tells Will that his Glee Club saved his kid's life, and I go....uh, Burt? What?

- There was certainly one time during the run of Glee that we thought Kurt might be in danger, but I don't know that New Directions had anything at all to do with protecting him. In fact, I thought the huge painful point was that they cold NOT protect him, no matter what they tried, and that's why he had to flee in tears. Now, unless Will was also director of the Warblers without telling us, I do not see how his Glee Club saved Kurt. Possibly Blaine and Wes saved Kurt until Karofsky could be brought to heel, but Will was actually quite remarkably ineffectual about the whole thing. However, Blaine is too young to run for Congress, at least unless they retcon his age again.

Also, I thought the writers, in their ham-fisted attempts to woobify Karofsky, tried to sweep the whole death threat under the table and pretend it was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe Burt just saw right through that garbage, and if so, I am grateful to these new writers for suggesting that the death threat was actually a serious violation after all.

Other posters have made the more thoughtful suggestion that New Directions saved a withdrawn, lonely and friendless sophomore named Kurt Hummel who had nowhere to go, no interests and no friends until he showed up on Will's doorstep to belt out Mr. Cellophane. That's actually a more intelligent way of looking at the situation, and requires so much careful thought to articulate that these writers probably did not think of it. No, I am going with the assumption that Burt thinks Will somehow saved Kurt from Karofsky. That's certainly the story they probably wish they had told last year instead of the disjointed mess we got. At any rate, Burt's going to run and Will wants to be his campaign manager. It turns out Kurt's already signed up for that job, but Burt thinks Kurt will need adult supervision.

I say... uh, Burt? Why? From Will Schuster, of all people? Really? My money's on the kid. Of course, it would be. My money is pretty much on Kurt for nearly every task that does not involve athletic ability... and even then, I will let him kick my football anytime.

Shelby is having trouble getting Beth to sleep. Possibly she's been traumatized by that awful, awful babysitter? Mommy, make the crazy blonde lady go away. Shelby has to leave her crying child to answer the door, and sees Puck. Possibly not the person highest on her list right now, as accomplice of the crazy blonde. He tries to thank her as every twitch of her body language tells him that he needs to go away, but he succeeds in getting through the door to visit the bathroom. While in there, he removes some of the awful things Quinn planted and then skulks around the apartment flipping through cabinets and shelves to get everything else. Shelby is too disraught over Beth's tears to care that he's ransacking her house; it's a good thing that's he's actually on her side. OK, Shelby, here's what you do. Put Oragel on her gums in case she's teething and take her for a nice long soothing car ride. Knocked my kids out every time. Of course, it's possible that Beth somehow got some of that hot sauce boobytrap Quinn placed for her, and I have no advice on that one because I don't even own the stuff.

However, Puck has another idea. He's brought his guitar, and he begins singing to his little girl. This does indeed calm Beth down. I wonder how many takes it took to make the little baby playing Beth to fuss and calm down on cue like that? I guess this is supposed to indicate that Puck would be a Good Father, and maybe Shelby gets that impression. He's certainly the winner of the two teenagers by far. It's just as if he were years and years older than 18, and looked it. Once Beth is actually asleep, Shelby begins to whine about how hard it is to raise a baby by herself, and I roll my eyes. Yes, babies are certainly hard work, and that whimpering you just endured was nothin' sister. Of course, to get the effect of a full tantrum on cue they would have to have done things to that baby that might just not be moral or legal, so I guess I will endure her low endurance level for fussiness. Then it becomes very apparent that Shelby's oversharing because's she's just really lonely, and Puck's a little too anxious to fill in that gap, and this story officially goes completely, entirely, alarmingly off the rails.

If only he were as old as he looks, this whole story would be as touching and affecting as I think the writers expect us to find it, but I'm over here going... EW! EW! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! LALALALALALALALAIAMNOTACTUALLLYWATCHINGTHIS! Quinn isn't the one who is going to get Beth taken away from Shelby! Puck is! MAKE IT STOOO... oh, look, commercial. Whew.

It isn't just that Puck's a student and Shelby's a teacher, you know. If that were the only problem, I'd suggest to Puck that he just get his diploma and come storming back to his baby and her mother. No, no, no. Shelby is the mother of one of his ex-girlfriends, and if he were to hook up with Shelby he would be Rachel's stepfather as well as her ex-lover. Marry Finchel and Klaine both off and the family ties would be so complicated and hilarious Beth would be in therapy for many years just for the strain of digesting it all. And then, of course, she'd still have to visit her birth mother in the looney bin. Poor kid.

Back at McKinley, a worried Rory clues Finn in on the disaster about to hit New Directions. They have now lost their best female dancer. When Finn goes up to confront Brittany, there is a momentary mumbled and unfunny bit of confusion about Selena Gomez, for some reason, but the gist of the matter is this: Yes. Brittney is leaving the Great Big Happy Family that is New Directions. As Finn protests, Santana puts on her massive bitch hat again and attacks.

First of all, he's so jealous of Blaine it's clear he wants to kick him right in the Warblers. Well, that's obviously very true and it's a relief that somebody called him on that. However, since Santana left New Directions over Blaine's cheerful showboating, she is also a bacon-wrapped bug-eyed hypocrite and I am seriously tired of her rants. They are neither fair nor funny, and they don't illuminate injustice or solve problems like they used to. Indeed, increasingly Santana is using them on people who are not verbally gifted enough to puncture her bull****. Note that Brittany is watching this hateful garbage unfold. When Finn pleads with Brittany not to defect, Brittany says she has to go because Santana made a wish on a leprechaun, and Finn loses it. Brittany's willful and deliberate stupidity is finally, really beginning to hurt people and he tells he he needs to stop being such an idiot.

And the moment he says the word "idiot" the whole conversation shuts down. Santana can spew any kind of hateful, vicious fury at anyone she wishes any time she wants, and nobody calls her on it, but call Brittany an idiot for betraying every friend she has....? Brittany hands Finn his head on a platter, says she won't accept his bullying, and storms off. They hook up with Mercedes, who is delighted that they have now joined the all girl group.

All of a sudden, for the first time, I am not so sure that Brittany is really an innocent flower who lives in an alternative dimension of sunrays and leprechauns and unicorns. She saw the way Santana, the love of her life, just insulted and degraded Finn, and she uttered not a peep of protest when Santana was the bully. With this one scene, I begin to understand why Brittany is part of something called the Unholy Trinity, and I wonder if she is not the coldest, smartest, most selfish, most manipulative person in the entire show. It's a suspicion that's been building up with me for awhile, but this was the tipping point.

Yes, live in a personal little world of sunshine and roses. Make everybody think you must be permanently coddled and protected, Brittany. Let your willful fantasy world create an embarrassing campaign for Senior Class President that humiliates and degrades the person you are pretending to support; when he objects, make him feel bad and then stab him in the back. Turn your back on all your friends to follow your nightmare of a girlfriend, and make Finn think it's his fault for losing patience with your calculated fantasy world. Cheat on your boyfriend and tell yourself it's OK because the plumbing is different. Then break up with him for getting upset with you about it, and convince everybody that Artie was the bad guy in all of this. Make the new foreign exchange student do backflips to please you with no intention at all of giving him the payoff he thinks he's earning. And if ANYBODY calls you on any of your garbage, wail about how much they've burst your delicate little bubble and make them feel like they've killed a helpless animal.

What an everloving toxic piece of work this girl is turning out to be. Stupid, my ass. On graduation day, I swear she's going to make a speech about how she's being playing them all for four years as part of a psychology experiment for a major university. If the Glee kids were playing a game of Survivor, Brittany would totally win. This angle certainly makes her character a lot more interesting, but I am never, ever going to feel sorry for her again. She and Santana truly deserve each other. Ladies and Gentlemen, the frontrunner for Senior Class President: the Leadership You Deserve.


Lights! Camera! Makeup! Sue is getting ready for her closeup, Mr. DeMille. She'll take six layers of pancake, two shots of botox and a healthy slice of self-delusion as she scolds the unfortunate creature forced to help her. "You made me look 26! I asked you to make me look 22." Oh, Sue, what's a couple (three) decades between friends (hapless servants already beginning to hate your guts?) Now, Jane Lynch has a book cover that makes her look like she's in her mid thirties. It's amazing what some airbrushing and a really genuine smile can do. Rod interrupts her terrorizing of the peasants with some bad news. They have to give her opponent equal time.

Equal opponent? Who would dare to take on the new queen of mean? Why Mr. Blue Collar, decency in the extreme! It's his ying to her yang, his no-nonsense, pragmatic common sense taking on her double talk and fear mongering. People of Lima, Burt Hummel at your service. He wants to be your congressman. He knows that West Side Story did not cause the housing foreclosures. He also knows how much money Sue spends on legwarmers, and he's not afraid to share. Burt suggests that the arts, far from being a waste of money, are a way to invest in the nation's future, and then he turns to more pragmatic issues and invites the people to send him creative solutions to the job problems of Lima. He asks them to right his name in, and as he makes this populist plea, Sue's morale sinks like a stone and Will looks like he just won the lottery.

Shelby is looking over sheet music as her hopeless protege wafts around gesticulating aimlessly and yammering nonsense syllables. At first Sugar is ecstatic at the prospect of three new backup singers, but Brittany, Santana, and Mercedes are here to set the record straight. For the third obnoxious, overblown time in one short episode, Santana goes into attack dog mode against somebody who does not have a prayer of responding. Somehow, it stops being funny or awesome after awhile and really becomes kind of... ugly and mean. And now that she's officially dating Brittany, she really doesn't have that grief as an excuse anymore. Santana begins this tirade by saying she did not leave one diva-driven glee club to join another, and then orders Sugar to sway in the back and sing very, very quietly. Once again, the problems that dismantled all adult attempts at reasonable control are somehow magically solved the moment Santana gets nasty, and I am not buying this. Then Mercedes tells Sugar to tone down the 'tude and I am seriously ready to throw something at all three of them. Pot. Kettle. Coal. Yikes. They don't really think there's anything wrong with being egotistical, rude divas - they just want to be the ones dishing out the abuse instead of taking it. Since we all know Santana cannot take any manner of abuse whatsoever, the whole thing is especially disgusting and I am really beginning to wonder why this character is so damned popular. It's not because she skewers hypocrisy; she's hypocrisy embodied, and Mercedes loses humanity points just hanging around her new allies. The new group decides to call themselves the Troubletones, and then Shelby works her magic. And really, this is the most magical moment of the episode, as Shelby instantly finds them three more backup singer/dancers, navy uniforms for the new Three Unholy Divas, (Three Divas mashes with Unholy Trinity) and cute little red frocks for Sugar and the mysterious new members. They even have a patriotic backdrop - Presto! It's Christina Aguilera meets The Andrews Sisters, and Will and Finn sit in audience as panic sets in. This is a very good, effective number. It appears that Shelby is a much better choir director than Will. Gee. Who knew? Never saw that one coming, no sir.

I don't know which magical ability Will needs more: the ability to get that kind of performance out of his kids, or the ability to make extra choir members materialize out of thin air.

As they walk down the halls of McKinley, Mercedes' ego has gone completely through the roof, as it normally only does in Glee when somebody is about to be miserably shot down. (See Rachel and Kurt, Purple Piano Project.) I do think Mercedes must be failing math, however, because Three Unholy Divas plus four downtrodden Sugar Servants equals seven people who can't even enter Sectionals unless they find five more people who don't want to compete for solos with the Three Conceited Sisters. However, no embarrassing comeuppance appears to be in the cards as they run into Finn, looking very nervous and awkward. He tells he understands why they broke away and... he apologizes to Brittney.

Game, set, match, Brittney. Again. She screws people over and makes them come crawling to her for forgiveness. I am done with this little game. And just to put the icing on this toxic little cake Rory, who may actually be the stupidest person in the episode, comes up claiming that he's earned her pot of gold. Something about how, if she left Glee Club, it wouldn't hurt anybody? That's an unusually weak line, obviously tossed out by a tired writer who is sick of this asinine story and would rather start getting ready for all the hot, interesting stuff next week. Then Brittany suddenly decides she does not believe in leprechauns after all and just leaves him flat. Oh, you just figured this out, little sweetness and light? It never occurred to you before Finn yelled at you, hmmm? How convenient.

Brittney used to dance like a goddess of perpetually sexy motion and she never spoke unless some clever one-liner of amazing alternative reality goodness somehow popped out of her mouth. That minor character was a rare and delicious treasure. This major character is a nightmare, and her actress is awful. Do. Not. Want. anymore.

Rory looks like a green party balloon with a slow leak three days after the birthday. Poor little bugger. You didn't want that pot of gold anyway, dear. It's been shared a bit too often. But honey, that bitch owes you several boxes of Lucky Charms.

Oh, thank god. The Hudmels. Back to better people doing nicer things. I think I've said before about these folks today. Burt and his entire family - everybody! Even Carol! She's still alive! They DO all exist and know each other! They are all sitting in Breadstix, since it's obviously the only restaurant in Lima. Burt and Carol are excited and happy about the run for Congress. Finn looks a little more apprehensive, and Kurt looks downright terrified. Finn wants to know what they are going to do if Burt wins. As Burt begins to think this through, we see a few moments of concern and uncertainty. Kurt will be in college, yes, and Finn? Uh. Well, he'll... be an adult, too... so, maybe, uh...

Great vote of confidence, Dad. Finn is obviously not at all sure about this, even when Burt suggests hopefully that Finn might help run the tire shop. (It's a fair guess that John Barrowman Jr. over there probably won't be doing this, despite his ferocious love for his family.) And as a matter of fact, Kurt is actually pretty pensive. Apparently, since he is generally written quite a bit better than any other character on the show, Kurt has a sense of continuity and has actually been thinking some of this through. He actually remembers that Burt almost died of a heart attack last year. He also realizes that there might be a problem with candidate Burt... having a ... gay so-

"I'M PROUD OF YOU, KURT, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT" says Burt, who, like Kurt, shares this rare attribute among Glee characters. He also has a memory, and he knows he spent all of season one repeatedly convincing Kurt that his daddy loved him. No need to go over that again. Thanks, Burt. And just to make sure this scene doesn't get too sweet and cozy, Sue arrives with a deep fried heart attack on a plate called the Gutbuster Extreme. She offers it to Burt in celebration of his candidacy, and announces that she has changed her focus. After all, she entered this race because of her sister.

"So you aren't cutting the arts programs?" asks Kurt, and Sue murmurs the words "Sweet Porcelain" in a gentle, maternal voice that she reserves only for him before she unveils her new tactic: She is now championing Special Education, which is a tactic damned hard for any decent person to argue with, and which I had originally thought was always going to be her baby because of Jean. However, she seems to envision a kind of cage match where arts programs and special education programs wrestle for the budget crumbs left after football and cheerleading take their nice, thick slices, and she intends for the Special Education kids to win that.

Her parting salvo is pretty funny, actually. "That might be a better use of school funds than flying the Glee Club to New York without a set list, only to lose at Nationals with a song they made up the night before." Hey, somebody has been reading the message boards; I guess that's where they figured out that the makeout session was stupid, not romantic, that the songwriting angle was a moronic mess, and that they needed to get some fresh writers before this ship sank. Of course, it's kind of cheap to use a show villain to make fun of your own really bad writing, and that one comment broke the fourth wall and took me right out of that scene with all my favorite people in it (besides Rachel.) So, I am torn. Do I cheer because they figured it out, or groan because I was suddenly really aware that it's just a TV show, and kind of a flawed one at that?

Finn, spurred by all the events of the episode, has learned a Very Special Lesson about standing up against bullies. Yes, again. Didn't we do this last year? And the year before? Well, at least this year the part of Straight Irish Kurt will now be played by Rory, who was after all selected to render our older characters obsolete and unnecessary. Oh, you damn well bet he was. The Hockey players have smashed him up against the lockers - see how they changed that up, using hockey players this time - and Finn says that if they don't stop, he'll go get Coach Beiste. At the name of the Beiste, all mortal men must flee, so these sniveling cowards take off and Rory apologizes for ruining the Glee Club. He actually thinks this is somehow his fault. Finn does not fix this misconception, but he does offer to grant the worst leprechaun ever a wish...

In the choir room, the few remaining members are wailing and gnashing their teeth. They are down to nine, and their math skills are better than Mercedes'. They know what they face. All the more reason, of course, for Finn to stop being such a complete douchebag to Blaine (and aren't they awfully glad he left paradise to throw his lot in with these mere mortals?) Finn then triumphantly enters the choir room, asking what happens when the pope dies. Kurt the Atheist gives the right answer, but that's not what Finn is getting at. You get a new pope! Apparently, New Directions is NOT a family and it IS OK to replace people! Just like the Warblers did! Gee! What a great idea! Why didn't anybody else who doesn't throw Finn in fits of irrational rage think of that? Because FINN is the One True Male Leader of New Directions! And here's the replacement! RORY!

Rory mumbles something about singing en masse and missing his famry, and he begins to sing what I assume must be an original song because I've never heard it before and it has got to be one of the dullest pieces of music ever to come out of this show. In fact, it's so dull that the first time I watched this episode, I walked out of the room to do a chore and missed all the business that went on here and there while he droned: Three little faithful Muppet Babies peek across the Glee Club divide with affection toward their defecting member. Mercedes looks up from dancing with a woman she once called Satan to remember that the prissy boy in black used to be her closest friend in the world, and she waves for a moment with genuine love toward all three of them before the devil sucks her back into the feud. Brittney, a Muppet Baby for a single library scene, also beams at the boy who once loved her.

Rachel thinks Rory's magical. I think they are trying too hard.

Then he goes into a rather dreadful falsetto that is apparently designed to strike fear into the hearts of Kurtsies' anywhere. Kurt looks perturbed, but my ears just bleed. Rory should stick to his rich lower register. Rachel, who has somehow squeezed herself in between Klaine in an attempt to make Kurt less mad at her, makes little digs about that falsetto, and then...

Puck and Shelby. Kiss. Oh, dear god. Make it stop! Make it stop! Maaaaaaaaake iiiiiiiiiiit STOOOOOOOOOP!!!! This is worse than Woody Allen, I swear.