Glee 3X14 "On My Way"

Like sands through the hourglass...so are the Days of Our Glee.

Life is fragile, fleeting, oh, dear readers. It's a precious, precious gift. Draw together, dear children, for what awaits you is a masterpiece... the Most Very Special Glee Episode of All Time. Life! Death! Forgiveness! Stupidity! The Thrill of Victory! The Agony of... holy moly, there was a LOT of AGONY tonight. Is there an agony quota to get through? Has Kurt reached his limit yet? For that matter, has Quinn? And who is on the EDGE OF YOUR SEATS about the CLIFFHANGER??????!!!!!!!

Which won't be resolved for TWO MONTHS???????!!!!!


.... And I gotta wonder if we will have all moved on to Smash by the time we find out what happened to Quinn. Heck, she may have healed up by then. Oops. I gave away the big surprise already, didn't I? Well, if ya don't like it, don't read it!

Rachel and Kurt are sitting together in the Lima Bean, looking at bridal gown magazines together. Early teen wedding? Rachel says, "On My Way!" Last week, Kurt was saying "NO WAY!" but he seems to have mellowed a bit here. Maybe he could not resist the temptation to be her bridesman; maybe he didn't want to lose her friendship; maybe he had a little talk with Hiram and LeRoy and is now working the Reverse Psychology angle himself. Yeah, he just suggested that she wait a few years to wear one of the dresses. He's a loving, supportive friend, but he's not in favor of this. And, no, he's probably not jealous of the dress. When he marries Blaine he may be wearing enough sequins on his breastcoat to embarrass a Vegas showgirl, but what he's wearing will almost certainly be best described as a tuxedo.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Well, well, well if it isn't Ought to Be Ashamed to Show His Face. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS God, Sebastian. If he's not chagrined after putting a guy in the hospital, this man is beyond redemption in a million years. No way to make it OK. He sneers at the Young Barbra Streisand and the Old Betty White, (hey, Betty White can take you, you little asshole. She ain't that old for nothing. NOTHING kills Betty! NOTHING! So crawl off to your hole, you little baby Pia Zadora.)

Nagini wants to know where Gay Cyclops is. Apparently, he didn't get the memo. YOU PUT HIM IN THE HOSPITAL, DICKHEAD. And apparently, that just killed the romance between them altogether. Blaine allowed himself to be victimized by the slushie assault intended for Kurt. He thwarted his evil plans! He's DEAD to Sebastian now, DEAD, I tell you!

Kurt is looking for a bouncer. "He can't come here anymore!" Unfortunately, sweetie, being a Congressman's Son does not mean you get to say that. Of course, I am beginning to wonder if you are actually a Congressman's Son, because damned if we've heard a word about it in ages. Wouldn't that change a person's life?

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSebastian has brought an engagement gifffffffffffffffffffffffffft... and why these kids don't regard everything he does and says with suspicion, I don't know. If I were Rachel I'd have turned that envelope over to the FBI without opening it, or at least gotten some of the bodyguards that really ought to be available to protect a Congressman's son to check it out for them. Fortunately, he has not laced this envelope with anything that would send them to hospital or prison.

Nope. He's photoshopped a naked picture of Finn in high heeled shoes. Yawn. And for some reason, this incredibly juvenile behavior is supposed to have Rachel shaking in her boots. He wants to win Regionals, so here's the deal. He will remove these awful pictures of Finn from the internet IF Rachel drops out of Regionals. Because apparently, New Directions can't win a competition without her, except, of course, that they just did, and it was pretty great, really.

Kurt thinks Sebastian is the Worst Gay Person ever, and Sebastian thinks Kurt is the Silliest Fashion Plate ever, and both are right. But I'd rather hang out with the noble walking Christmas tree, myself, than with the demonspawn in that fugly Warbler's blazer.

Sebastian puts Rachel's love to the ultimate test: Drop out of Regionals and LOSE her CHANCE to SHARE her GIFT to the WORLD... or allow him to upload a few silly photos and embarrass Finn for fifteen minutes and himself for the rest of his life, because everybody knows about photoshop. Gee, I'm on the edge of my seat, here. Kurt, can't you have your dad DO SOMETHING about this... THING?????

Finn is looking at something in the Glee Club classroom. He is clearly more frightened by it than I am. That's OK. Finn is so terrified by the spectre of what others might think of him that he tears those who love him most to shreds at the hint of a drop in his reputation. Finn is ready to tear that nasty little snake's head off, and I think that's an excellent idea. Artie is being most helpful here, as he wheels in chanting the Show Club Bible about how to handle intimidation tactics by rival choirs. I think Artie has the right answer, myself. Sebastian's a dead snake.

It's clear that the right answer is to appeal to the body that regulates Glee Club competition, but Will seems to have this odd idea that school principals and headmasters are the people to solve this stuff, even though the Headmaster at Dalton seems to have been as ineffective at going after bullies who hurt Blaine as the McKinley School Board was at preventing David from tormenting Kurt. Rachel says it does not matter since she's performing at Regionals anyway, and Finn is so hurt that he calls off the wedding. Except that he doesn't really, which is part of the problem.

Sugar says she'd kill herself if somebody did something that humiliating to her. FORESHADOWING ALERT!!!! FORESHADOWING ALERT!!!!! Could you get a LITTLE more heavy-handed here, Glee? Somebody who was stoned when they watched might have missed that anvil.

Finn can't believe that Rachel is going to perform, despite the thread. OK. Finn? That pretty ethnic brunette over there? The one with the rather staggering vocal ability. That's Rachel. She's basically a fairly good person, but don't ever ever ever get in the way of her performing. She will trample you. And it will be justified, because she is THAT good in ways that you are not. And she's right; the Regionals trophy, and the esteem that comes with it, is more important than photoshopped garbage by an overgrown baby. And besides... she needs the win to get into NYADA. Priorities, people!

That was actually a really good scenario. Rachel cares more about her career than she does about Finn being embarrassed, and Finn cares more about a little humiliation than he does about Rachel's future. This will work well.

Since Sue Sylvester has no close friends, she has to force her students to act as confidantes. She calls Quinn, one-time Cheerio Captain and now disowned former basket case, into her office to drop a bomb.

Sue thinks she's pregnant. She may even be right, although that was pretty fast if it worked. Maybe the baby wanted to make sure it got to be mentioned in the Very Special Episode. Quinn's speechless. No word on if she's nauseated by the idea. She finds this idea amazing and confusing, and wants to know what man in his right mind would knock Sue Sylvester up. Sue doesn't inject donor sperm and tell, so she confides instead that the bovine hormones the doctors gave her are making her very nauseous.

Quinn is not buying the BS about bovine hormones and correctly says that morning sickness - the real culprit here - is a good sign. HA! I always KNEW Sue lied about all her adventures and accomplishments! I bet she's never even KISSED that Baldwin Brother on her list. And now we know why she's confiding in Quinn. Quinn knows from pregnant. Nausea helpers: Saltines (check), herbal tea (check), lollipops (OK, didn't see that one coming.) For a moment, warm, human Sue is there sharing these secrets of womanhood, and then she remembers she's supposed be a full-time bitch so she snarls about Barely Helpful Advice and goes back to her chair.

Quinn, having gotten into Yale and set herself up with a bright, heathly future, wants to rejoin the Cheerios and go back to being the hateful twit she was in the first season. Sue throws her out of her office. Yeah, those pregnancy mood swings are a killer.

Blaine is in the auditorium, pacing with rage as Kurt enters. Sebastian... Blaine finally doesn't like him. Took him long enough. As therapy to deal with this odd overwhelming desire to bash somebody's face in, Blaine decides to deal with his feelings the way he always does. He's going to sing about it! The theme for Regionals is "Inspiration" and Blaine thinks that Cough Syrup is the best possible song to show off this theme. And his theatrical angst faces. Well, Cough Syrup is about dealing with people who want to hurt you, and the desire for a better life. Does Kurt want to hear the song? Does Kurt have a choice?

At another school, David Karofsky enters the locker room where several of his fellow Dragons are lying in wait. One of them is Nick, the snide little weasel who figured it all out last week. Karofsky is aware of the many sets of eyes on him, but he walks, puzzled, towards his locker, and sees it.

Nick and his friends have spray - painted the word "Fag" across his locker. Now, I'm thinking this is a pretty expensive piece of vandalism and he can totally get these morons suspended, but David's not quite ready for coherent thought as he realizes what has happened.

And with that, the song begins. The song, in this context, is about David Karofsky, played by an actor who is able to sing and has never done so on Glee. His closest associate and nearest thing to a friend in the Glee Club is Kurt. So who gets to sing the song for Karofsky, who has been outed because he made romantic gestures to Kurt in the last episode? Kurt's boyfriend, the walking jukebox. It's not his story, the victim is not somebody he knows well, and Karofsky has a very twisted and troubled fixation on his boyfriend. But Blaine gets to sing... and he doesn't even get to sing about his own troubles and fears. Other people get to have the stories. He sings their songs for them, but none of his own.

I guess the lure of those I-tune profits just overrule all other functions of storytelling, huh? I did read one review that suggested Blaine, himself the victim of gay bashing, gets to comment on the gay bashing of a guy who has been a gay basher, and I think that would have been more powerful a scenario if we'd actually SEEN Blaine's gay bashing story in flashback rather than simply being told about it. Once. But that's the problem with Glee. They go for the Big Moments without setting things up properly, and that's what leads to manipulative mishmashes like this episode.

Blaine sings and some bozo slams David into a locker. Ah, karma's a bitch, and it FINALLY caught up with him. All of a sudden guys half a head taller than he is are right in his face, and he finds himself having to flee. At least none of them kissed him or threatened to kill him.

Blaine sings, and his face makes him look like he's constipated. He's FEELING it, people! FEEL Karofsky's pain! Actually, I can, because Max Adler is acting the hell out of this. He tries to escape the bad feelings by visiting his Facebook pages, but his "friends" aren't really friends anymore. I think the stupidest and most offensive comment may be from a bozo who screams at him to go back in the closet. Uh, sure. He'd love to do that. More than anything else in the world. And after enough of these toxic messages, he starts to cry.

Well, we've all been bitching that they copped out on the bullying storyline by woobifying David; I guess this is how Glee is going to fix that botched job, and it's certainly much better than what they did before. However, by the time David's crying, I don't really want to see Blaine dancing around anymore. The tone doesn't match.

David punches inanimate objects. (Violence does seem to be key with this kid.) Blaine dances. David picks up shards of broken glass from the broken CD case, the symbol of his ruined life. Blaine dances. David stares in despair at a mobile of airplanes over his head, and Blaine makes funny faces. And then, as a dark world waits for a splash of the sun, David pulls out his best suit... the one that, perhaps, he feels he should be buried in... and collapses with sobs.

Blaine's singing face of torment can be seen from the back row of the theatre - this guy is theatrically trained, and he just got back from Broadway, after all - as David's face turns into a cold mask. He is now wearing the suit, tears, streaming down his cheeks.

Blaine's song draws to a close as he begins to regain his composure, but David has climbed on top of a chair in his closet. He is about to hang himself on the rack.

Yes, Glee is a comedy. Or, it used to be, until it became a Very Important Show.

And now all the members of the faculty that we have actually met are in Figgin's office. They all look very grim. Figgins feels like they need to deliver the news to the student body really carefully, because David still has friends at McKinley. (Although... does he? Will they be his friends when they know why he put a noose around his own neck?) Figgins fears there will be copycats; I suspect, given how ugly he often was to people, that Figgins might need to prepare for some inappropriate jokes and mocking. Not everybody is going to feel anguish over this situation - and that will also create pressure on closeted kids who see how terrible it can be to be outed. Like Santana. But hey, Finn will be there for her to offer sage wisdom and advice in her time of need. Blerk.

Sue is crying about this, to Will's surprise. She can't really blame the hormones. She was principal when KURT was having HIS problems with DAVID, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I swear, the phrasing of her comment makes it sound like Kurt caused the trouble. At any rate, Sue knew there was something up with David, and she feels she could have done more. Well, everybody could have done a lot more. I would remind them that they not only failed to help Karofsky, they flat out refused to help Kurt. The handling of that was massive epic fail on all counts.

We see a shot of David's father finding him, and the overwhelming despair and anguish. Dad, who never had a clue what the issues were. Will muses that they thought he was going to hurt Kurt... no, they KNEW that he HAD hurt Kurt - but they did not know he would hurt himself.

Figgins, ever the copout king, says it was not their job to know. But if not them, who?

The God Squad has met to pray for Karofsky. Mercedes wants him to find peace, and to feel better. Quinn, who has a very dim view of how David handled things (and I am glad somebody does) would rather pray for his family. Sam wonders how he got to such a dark place, and Joe is thinking, "Who is David Karofsky? Was he a friend of yours? He was a bitter enemy who bashed and threatened to kill one of your closest friends? Wow, you guys really are very forgiving and Christian! That takes some depth of faith! Either that, or massive amnesia! Good for you! Praise!" Mercedes explains that some of David's new school mates saw him talking to Kurt at Breadstix and posted mean things on Facebook and Twitter. That was enough to make him want to kill himself.

At no point in this conversation does anybody say, "Wait, they bashed Karofsky because he was TALKING to Kurt? Hell, I talk to Kurt all the time and nobody does that to... wait... he's WHAT? Since when? So what the hell was he doing bashing Kurt last year? Wait a minute, back up. Karosky physically bashes Kurt because he's attracted to Kurt, and it's so bad Kurt has to leave school, and it just rips through Kurt's Junior year, (costing him a lot of extra-curriculars that might have helped with NYADA, I will just bet you) and NOW he's sending Kurt presents even though Kurt has a boyfriend, and he can't take it when people say mean things on Facebook? Just unfriend those assholes!"

David is alive, and he's in the hospital. His dad found him in time. Now, the writers present for us two sides of an argument in the interest of fair and balanced covering of this Very Special Issue. Quinn quite correctly tells the others that David tried suicide because he wanted to hurt other people, rather than merely himself. He wanted to provoke the sorrow-laden shock that is now taking place. This is true - and since he did not actually die, he will get the benefit of both scaring everybody and getting to live, too, although I think that is more by sheer luck than by manipulation or design. Quinn also points out that she endured some terrible things, but she never got to that place.

At this point, Kurt enters. He is one of the people who has been horribly, staggeringly manipulated and punished by the selfishness of David's act, and what he's about to say is both wrong- headed and understandable. Karofsky's selfish act has had precisely the effect on Kurt that it intended. He's beside himself with grief and survivor's guilt, and he's not thinking clearly enough to realize the degree to which he's absolving Karofsky from the effects of his own misdeeds. First Kurt tells Quinn that her pregnancy and the broken period where she almost went insane were minimal problems because the world never stopped loving her. Kurt, her daddy stopped loving her. Stop and think about how you would feel if that happened to you - if Burt had thrown you out of the house for being gay rather than embracing you and telling you that he already knows. She lost the Cheerios. How would you feel if you'd lost Glee because you were gay, and your father had stopped loving you? I would like to hope that you are made of sterner stuff than he is, and you would have made better choices for yourself than David did, but you are not quite fair to Quinn here. Actually, the show is not being fair to Quinn. This is the second time that somebody has told her that her problems were not worth being upset about. Sam called them White Girl Problems and refused to go out with her. So this is not really a problem with the characters. Glee is messing this commentary up consistently.

Kurt, you have the right to have more compassion for David than Quinn does, because his problems are similar to yours, but please do not pretend that the problems of the bashed gay kid are the only problems in the world of any consequence. Glee is REALLY beginning to behave as if gay kids are the only people who really suffer, and it's getting out of hand. Remember, Kurt's my favorite character and Quinn makes my stomach hurt. I am siding with her here. That's how off this scene is.

But then, Kurt did not hear half the conversation, and he's internalizing what has happened. He's not viewing it objectively. Kurt's horrified by the messages that continue to be scrawled on David's facebook page; as I fear, not everybody is grief-stricken by what he did and hopes he'll be more successful in the future. Well, David, these are the people you friended. Unfriend them and hang out with somebody else. Oh, the choices you could have made, son, as recently as Prom Night. Kurt offered you a lifeline and you turned it down. The support structure was there; you refused it.

Quinn, disgusted by the lecture, asks why Glee's resident outspoken atheist has shown up at a prayer meeting. Joe invited him. Kurt felt like, after everything he had been through with David Karofsky, he had nobody else to turn to . Because his father, Blaine, Rachel, Rachel's dads, Sue (who loves him more than she lets on), Finn (who is now a self-proclaimed expert on helping the gay kids he used to bash through their struggles!) and the school counselor were all unavailable.

Kurt feels responsible for David's suicide attempt because Kurt rejected David's romantic overtures. Kurt feels responsible because David, who has stalked him on at least two (and possibly three) separate occasions, sent him NINE phone calls after Kurt said no, and Kurt refused to answer them. See, Kurt was under the impression that David wanted to date him, and he chose not to correspond with the guy who appeared to be trying to break up his relationship. Remember how Blaine was still talking to Sebastian? Ended poorly, didn't it? Same deal, here, but it's even worse. You don't chat with folks who want to turn your romance into a triangle and are capable of violence if they don't get their way. Kurt made a different choice, and now he gets to feel like he almost killed the boy who threatened to kill him.

This is why Quinn said David was selfish. She's right. He's pulled a real number on Kurt, and he's blaming everybody except the guilty. Hell, they should be tracking down the guy who outed David and blaming HIM rather than Kurt. Kurt's actually met him. Mind you, this is a COMPLETELY realistic scenario. It is very much within Kurt's nature to react the way he has, although I think the writers ought to apologize for having him seek out the God Squad. Perhaps he should have been seeking out Mercedes in particular, and that's where she happened to be. Kurt is an atheist. He refused to pray for his dying father, and that theme was a huge issue in a major episode that Chris submitted as his Emmy tape last year. If Kurt suddenly turns to Jesus, that might indeed be a Very Special Episode, too (and much too difficult for Glee to attempt, so please don't go there, show) but it should not have been because the guy who just destroyed his life has now tried to take his own.

No, I am not going to stop harping on the death threat. There's a reason why Kurt kept his distance, and it was healthy, wise, and legitimate for him to do so. The #1 reason to keep giving Kurt scenes with Karofsky is not because it makes any narrative sense at all, but simply because Max has turned out to be one of Glee's few genuinely gifted student actors and they work so well together.

Mercedes says they are going to go visit David in the hospital, and invites Kurt to join them.

I've got to hand it to Rachel Berry. Only she could take a suicide scenario about a person she barely knows, with whom she has had almost no contact in nine months, with whom she has never had anything even remotely resembling friendship, and make it all about herself. Rachel and Finn meet each other in the hallway and share a tearful embrace over the suicide attempt of somebody who has been repeatedly abusive to Finn. Finn also sees this situation as being about him - he has decided that he will not be afraid of photoshopped lies, and wants Rachel to know that he'd never kill himself over the pictures Sebastian created. Maybe because all his close friends would still be his close friends and would not care? Still, Finn has been all about preserving his reputation since we first met him, so this seems like a great step forward until you remember that Finn basically says this every time he flips out about the idea that somebody somewhere might think he's gay. I think the count for Finn Decides He Doesn't Care If Folks Thinks He's Gay, After All, No Sir, is up to three times now. Rachel, who is now imagining a world in which Finn would hang himself over those stupid photoshop pictures, as if they'd cause a FRACTION of the anguish David is now experiencing, offers not to sing at Regionals. Hey, Kurt. HERE are some people with petty problems to lecture at. Finn has decided he loves Rachel so much, he wants her to sing after all, and they kiss. Again. Two Four Six Eight! Ain't it Great to Be Straight! On Glee! Gay kids get to Suffer Beautifully and straight kids get to make out.

And now, in a logical jump that defies reason, gravity, and good sense, Rachel decides life is too short to wait for an arbitrary date to start living, so she wants to get married! RIGHT NOW! Well, no, Finn, you can go to gym class. But next Saturday! That's a hell of a way to throw a Victory Party for Regionals.

Yes, she's not even out of high school and she thinks marriage will somehow mean her life has started. No, sweetie. Marriage ties you down and limits you. It closes off choices for you. Now, at some point in your life, many people including myself find that the rewards are very much worth the closed doors, but not at the age of 18. It's helpful to know what doors you are choosing to close before you shut yourself down, and that's what your early adulthood is for.

Finn stops to worry that they might lose Regionals, and that could throw a damper on things, but Rachel The-World-Revolves-Around-My-Talent Berry assures him that since she gets to sing this time, they are certain to win. Because New Directions is so much stronger and more invulnerable with her in it, and they can't beat anybody that's actually good without her. Santana, you have my permission to slap her. Hard.

It is very obvious that the writers have decided they need Grant Gustin to help Darren and Chord anchor next year's season of Glee? You know how I can tell? Because the retcon that happens next is so fast, and so lame, and so unbelievable that it makes me want to rock salt slushie the person who wrote this scene. The first meeting of the Gay Gleeks Group will now convene at the Lima Bean, where Sebastian's Not-Evil Twin, also named Sebastian, awaits the arrival of every queer regular. Santana is ready to do battle, and she tells him, forcefully, that the feud has got to stop. The New and Improved Sebastian agrees. He has called them to the Lima Bean to make amends, even though his demeanor suggests that he is ordering them - and us, quite frankly - to forgive him rather than begging for mercy as David did. He offers an apology to Blaine about his eye; Blaine is not really interested in accepting it. I notice that he does NOT APOLOGIZE FOR TARGETING KURT. The motive, after all, was the crime far more than the action. He calls it a lame prank that got out of control. Gee, as of last week you thought it was a great idea that just hurt the wrong person. What cause the change?

There, that's all settled. Now, he's going to destroy the photoshopped pictures of Finn so that the Warblers can win fair and square. AND they are taking donations for Lady Gaga's Born This Way foundation... Great plug, Glee! I bet her donations soared after that comment. Finally, the Warblers will dedicate their performance to David Karofsky, since he meant so much to them. Oh, wait. Blaine did, and Kurt maybe did a little for a little while. David? Not so much.

Kurt's still waiting for the punch. So am I.

No punch. Apparently, Sebastian managed to make David feel bad at Scandals, too. David made the mistake of asking Sebastian for advice on attracting men, and Sebastian ripped through Dave's appearance as he ripped through Kurt's. You know, Sebastian's got some issues here. He seems to spend a lot of time insulting other people for no good reason. Maybe, in a future episode, he will suffer a disfiguring injury and he'll be the next honoree at the Hug a Hurting Homosexual Hoedown as everybody gathers around to inform him that he's still beautiful in THEIR eyes.

Sebastian thinks about what he said to David, and ends with "It's all fun and games, until it's not." Well, yes, but I would think you would have realized that when you sent a guy to the hospital. Still, the Glee Bully Insta-Redeemer Machine has completed its job, and Sebastian is now a Good Guy, ready to be a series regular, a member of New Directions, and Blaine's new love interest next year (hey, you know it's coming). TADA!

My biggest concern. Now that Sebastian is no longer a villain, will he cease to be entertaining, funny, and interesting? Did they just destroy the character?

That Glee Bully Insta-Redeemer machine gets put on a lot of people. I think Sue must have gone through it three or four times now. (It doesn't seem to take. She bounces back to normal every time.) Maybe Sebastian's system will reject the treatment in the same way Sue's does and he can reform himself three or four times a year.

And then we have a scene that works reasonably well when the kids are talking and very poorly when Will is talking. Actually, a lot of Glee is like that. He's called them all in to sit on the floor with a jar of peanut butter. There is one spoon. Mercedes is confused and Sugar is only comfortable sharing a spoon with about half the group. Thanks for sharing, Sugar. I will assume Rory is in the yes column, which is great, because he's the one who gets to have the peanut butter. You see, Will has learned that they don't have peanut butter in Ireland, or something like that, so he has brought them all in to watch Rory stick his tongue to the roof of his mouth for the very first time. This will not help with the mumbling.

Everybody goes into horrified fits that Rory has never had peanut butter - hey, maybe his parents were allergic, it happens - and Will hands Rory the spoon. He takes a bite, his face shows a glimmer of surprise, so it's one of his better acting scenes, and he says, with joy, "That's the best thing I've ever had!"

Kurt's not impressed. He's in his Deepest Eeyore Mode. Finn wants to know the point, as does the audience. The point is that Will gets to give a Very Special Speech about Never Giving Up. Life is full of New Experiences, like peanut butter. He never wants any of them to get to that dark place where they might feel they have to end it. Funny, Will. You've never shown all that much interest when people were in crisis before. Hell, you screamed at Quinn when she was obviously hurting, and you kind of sat wringing your hands when Kurt was so hurt he had to run. NOW you care? Yes, EVERYBODY has a trigger, and some of these kids have bared them to us. The breaking point does not have to be suicide. It can be a school transfer to a place that requires bad uniforms for a boy who lives to look weird. It can be pink hair and smoking. Or is suicide the only warning sign of a youth going sour?

Mercedes says that she doesn't think there are any potential suicides in this group, so Will makes a Very Special Revelation that I REALLY wish they had cut. You have no idea how much I wish they had cut it. Apparently, Will cheated on a test one time and got caught. His father had to come pick him up, and he was so ashamed he wanted to jump off the top of a building. Wait a minute... didn't Glee just inform Quinn about fifteen minutes ago that her problems were trivial? Will CHEATED on ONE TEST?????? And THAT was a deal breaker? Gee, Rachel, we have to admire your strength and restraint about not offing yourself when you admitted to stuffing the ballot box for Kurt. They really went THERE with something THIS trivial? Even Puck can't believe it. Yes, I know it's kind of tough to face the parents when you've screwed up, but did they throw you out of the house, Will? Or was this really just bad writing? Were they afraid to make Will guilty of something that might actually have caused a genuine life crisis? Hell, I'd have been less annoyed if he'd been depressed because Terri broke up with him for a little while.

And I just am going to skip a bit because I am that annoyed. The scene gets much better as Will turns it over the to the kids and asks them what they are looking forward to in life.

Some are trivial. Sugar wants to see Sex in the City Part Three.

Some are sentimental. Mercedes wants to meet Rachel's children. Rachel wants to be friends with the others for the rest of her life. Artie hopes to see his children's first steps. That is one of the show's better lines, well delivered, touching without being maudlin.

Some are lofty. Blaine hopes for gay marriages all over the United States, and Kurt hopes his dad makes a difference in Congress. These two dreams may be somewhat tied together.

Some are ambitious: Puck wants to graduate from High School, and Quinn wants to graduate from Yale. With honors. That one's a little painful in hindsight, because this one's about to get very much harder for her. Mike wants to dance at Carnegie Hall. Tina wants a song. Good point. Will smiles. Kurt would like one too, writers, although he was too busy thinking about his dad to say so aloud.

I actually like this recitation of dreams and goals. It was much more hopeful and less preachy than Will's monologue.

Finn wants to... oh, lord, Finn. Let it go. Live your OWN life, sweetie.

Santana wants her abuela to love her again, and I hope she gets it.

I honestly could not understand Brittany and I did not feel like working for it over and over again.

And Rory wants to win Regionals! So let's go watch them do that!

And so, for the second time in a row, the competition is being hosted by McKinley. April Rhodes obviously bribed somebody to make her auditorium so well known. If they have Nationals here I am throwing something at my TV. It is also becoming clear that Glee World Judging Rules state that each competition must have a lead judge who is a very eccentric performer. Sectionals had a clown. Regionals has a fake vampire TV host. Some of our kids love him. Sugar is star struck. Rachel looks grossed out and Kurt's actively cringing as Blaine does the Sven Google Vampire jab.

The Warblers are up, and they lead off with an Up With Peopleish song about how you, depressed teenager contemplating suicide like David did, will see tomorrow and you need to Stand until your life is better. That's YOU, depressed Gleek of the Week in your seat. Take notes. We are working very hard to save YOUR life now. And who better to be the face of this positive, inspirational message than Sebastian Smythe? Because when you think of compassion and healing, you think of Sebastian.

Finn is so overcome with emotion that he stands up in the middle of the song. A girl from one of the rival choirs wants to know why on earth he's being so supportive of a rival team; she doesn't understand that this is becoming a tradition for New Directions and the Warblers at Regionals. They support each other's sets and then the Warblers lose. That's how it works. Finn, exercising his Leadership Skills, makes everybody else stand up, too. So they do - and I mean, the entire audience - and the Warblers have a standing ovation halfway through their first number.

It's REALLY weird to watch the Warblers without either Kurt or Blaine there. I am used to seeking out the friendly face of a character I care about, and unfortunately the best I can do now is Trent. The New and Improved Nagini asks the audience to throw money at them... er, at their donations box for Lady Gaga's foundation. I have heard some people suggest he played the donations card as a method of getting the Judge's favor, and I almost hope that was the writer's headcanon, because Sebby's more interesting as a manipulator than as a woobie. I see Kurt and Blaine giving each other a little look. I don't know if they are missing being Warblers, or doubting Sebastian's motives.

Because the Warblers are ND's Very Special Allies, they get to sing a second song. Sebastian tells the audience in song that he's glad they donated... er, came. A little fancy footwork has Blaine on his feet, obviously approving, and Kurt on his feet, obviously just trying to keep his boyfriend happy. The autotune on this song is very annoying; for a live a cappella troupe they sound really artificial and tinny.

The girl who was hissing at Finn is one of the singers in the next act, the Golden Goblets of Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow High School. The beginning strains of their number sound like something you'd hear in a very formal church during high mass; Finn is confused and Kurt's stifling a grin. While they were kind of beautiful, they were, as Puck correctly pointed out, a madrigal choir, not a show choir. They'd be a huge hit at a renaissance festival. I am not sure how they got to Regionals, unless they were competing at Sectionals against a reform school and a school for the deaf. But we only get to see a few moments of their song; this episode is really jam packed with really important stuff, like peanut butter, and they come in third so nobody cares anyway.

In the green room, Puck tells us that New Directions is a little thrown by how great the competition is. Artie, who is practicing to be in charge of New Directions next year, calls for show circle. As they gather to collect their focus and get ready to put all their concentration on their performance, Finn announces that Rachel and he are getting married. Immediately. And they are all invited. Immediately. Will's mouth drops to the floor. Quinn and Kurt both look like they'd just heard about a national disaster. Mike's eyes dance with excitement. He likes it. The happy couple thank those who supported this hair-brained idea, and they magnanimously offer to forgive those (cough, Kurt, cough, Quinn) who know this is stupid and were not afraid to say it. The nay - sayers can come too! And now that Finn and Rachel have succeeded in making the Regionals Show Circle all about themselves, with the most distracting news possible that does not involve a physical injury, it's time for them to go out and sing!

Somebody in that show circle had to be thinking, "OK, well while you two self-absorbed morons are out there planning your wedding in your heads instead of singing, would you try to keep from making out on stage this time?"



The set begins as Rachel goes to what she knows in her heart of hearts to be her rightful place in the world - center stage, with all eyes on her. As she strides forward, she declares, "I came to win", thereby assuring the audience that the result of this competition is certain before any other person utters a single line. But we knew that, anyway - we've still got to get through Nationals! Which is also a certain victory, by the way, because who is going to deny Rachel Berry her national trophy in her senior year? After a fairly pretty, melodic opening, Santana breaks into some rap that seems very inauthentic and jarring, and which I did not like at all. Then Blaine starts rapping, and it's actually white-bread ridiculous, especially since Artie's on that stage. Artie is the only person in New Directions who has ever rapped without making me want to cover my head in second-hand embarrassment, so of course, he's singing the melody with Rachel - and doing pretty well, really. I think Artie is probably actually the best male vocalist in New Directions, so this is OK. Sebastian likes it a lot more than I do. Will is bursting with pride. They believe they can fly. I believe I want to fast forward, and wish we could have the Warblers back. In the audience, we see a small miracle.

There are parents here. Several of them. There's Hiram, there's LeRoy, there's Carole,.. oh my god! Congressman Burt Hummel is in the audience watching his son, the NYADA finalist, sway in the background without a single featured line! Again! While Blaine raps! RAPS! In three years of competition, Kurt has gotten exactly three featured lines over five performances. It is the lowest amount of featured time for any cast member of New Directions - including both Mike and Brittany - by a very, very substantial margin. He's good enough to be a finalist for one of the most prestigious musical theatre schools in the country, but Will absolutely will not, under any circumstances whatsoever, allow him to do one damned thing for New Directions. Never. He won a National Championship for the Cheerios, but he can't sing for Will. That horridly arranged Candles duet that lost Regionals for the Warblers last year is going to stand, permanently, as Kurt Hummel's entire career as a featured soloist. It actually comes across as an excuse that Will might give us when we ask: Kurt does not get to sing because he's awful. It is unbelievably insulting to this character, and a complete head-scratcher when you consider the NYADA narrative. It would be much more palatable if the show were not presenting him as a rarely gifted young person with skills that rank him among the elite and dreams as big as Rachel's. If he were saying "Oh, I want to go to fashion school, and I don't really want a solo" it would be different. In a season where Kurt's rivalry against Sebastian was a major theme, and in an episode where Kurt the Magically Inspirational Gay Icon is asked to do so much dramatic heavy lifting, this is simply incomprehensible. No, I will NOT stop complaining about it. At this point, RIB owe the Kurtsies an apology and an explanation. And the damned thing is... they probably haven't really even thought about how this is coming across. Kurt gets so much heavy duty acting, and he was so heavily featured in the narrative, that the writers may feel he did enough this episode. They don't understand why it matters, narratively, that he does not get to sing.

And then, my fists actually clench in rage. NOW Glee decides to remember things that happened in past episodes and provide continuity. The Troubletones have gotten their featured number. If you haven't read my other recaps, you must understand; I thought the deal that Quinn brokered for the Troubletones was one of the most grossly unfair things Will has ever allowed in New Directions. These girls splintered off in a fit of self-centered conceit, and sat around pouting when they lost to a New Directions that didn't even have Rachel in it. So Quinn begged them to come back with the promise that they would be guaranteed center stage in every competition.... ahead of people like Kurt and Tina, who were loyal to New Directions during that time. And so the Traitortones are rewarded for their behavior by getting to inform us that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. By the time Brittany - Brittany, for crying out loud - sings her featured verse, I'm about to throw things. She's not an exceptional singer, and she's been autotuned within an inch of her life to hide it. It's glaring. Tina, honey, you really, really, really, really should have jumped ship last semester. You were the right gender to do that. Now you, poor little girl who only wanted a song when you got a chance to reveal your dreams, get to sway in the background while Brittany gets to sing lead. Seriously? That's what little Vampire Girl gets for saving the day with ABC during Sectionals?

I'd rant about Puck, too, except that he does not show any narrative signs of caring and being hurt by this. It's not as annoying when it does not appear that Will is actually actively crushing somebody's dreams. During this number we notice another miracle in the audience. Sue is watching, and shows no signs of plotting at all. The audience thinks I'm a grouchy sourpuss and rises to their feet in overwhelming appreciation.

And then, of course, it's Rachel center stage again, because you can never get too much Rachel Berry, unless you can, and she's making up for lost time. At least she's not rapping, and she's not a Traitortone, so I can relax a little. She glances at her daddies. Hiram is verklempt by the awesomeness of his daughter. LeRoy throws her kisses. They are both looking so stunned and proud that I begin to think that it really is the very first time these stage mommy bozos have actually bothered to show up and see what their little girl can do, and it's really very puzzling because my head canon always had them at every show, just off screen so we can't see them. I envision them being the people who actually wrote the Nationals song to save these kids hides... I see them in New York, sinking in embarrassment during The Kiss, and I see them consoling her every time New Directions loses.

Well, I'm wrong. It looks like this is really the first time they've ever bothered to come. Shame on you, guys. All that money on years of lessons and you never watched her perform? You didn't know what she can do? Where the hell have you been for the past three years? (RIB's answer: Because it took us this long to figure out which two men could do these characters such wonderful justice, you hypercritical little twit, so quit whining. Weren't they worth waiting for? Answer: well, yes. They were. Are Jeff and Brian willing to join the regular cast? Or is it already way too damned big?) About halfway through the song the other girls emerge on the stage, and as we look to the audience we see that the boys are now in the balconies. They've been taken completely out of the scene and there doesn't seem to be any good reason why. Rachel lets out a wait that sends the audience into fits of giddy rapture, and she looks up into the balcony to gaze at her One True Love, Betrothed, Fiance Who She Is Marrying Just As Soon As Physically Possible. Apparently, the boys were removed from the scene so that Finchel could Share a Look and have a romantic moment in mid-performance without embarrassing themselves by making out on stage. Here's to us! Here's to Finchel! Here's to ruining our lives in five... four... three....

OK, it can't be a good sign when the guy who is supposed to read the results gets wheeled in inside a coffin. This marks the second time that Glee, in its attempt to lampoon the judges, has chosen to have a cheap, outlandish character read the results goofy rather than showing us the twisted logic and conversations that produce the result, and I wish they'd go back to the old way of judging the judges and finding them wanting. OK, he's a vampire. Whoop-ti-doo. So he's out to suck your blood. Or the whole competition just sucked. And his acting sucks. Go back to writing, Ian, for Ian Brennan is indeed the actor for this character. This last line is brought to you by Guest Recapper and my helpful fact-checker, Bee.

Ian has crossed over from the writer's desk to the actor's soundstage... er, Vampire Svengoodle has crossed oceans of time to bring us the news of this Regional competition. Boy, you flew a long way for nothing much, buddy. That was just batty. But leave it to Ian to remember that the show is supposed to be a comedy. We have to be grateful, because he is the only one. In third place...we have the people who only got to sing about three lines. I expect them to be Ladies of Perpetual Sorrow over this placement, but they jump up and down happily like they won the lottery and it marks the second time this year that a show choir has gotten this excited over coming in dead last. Maybe they didn't have the money to go to Nationals and they were going to have to sell blood to go. Probably to the emcee/judge. At any rate, not unexpected. One little hint about these things... if one choir gets to sing three songs and another gets to sing two, and the other one gets cut off after half a verse, it does not take a degree in music to figure out the pecking order.

And now... the moment nobody should be in any suspense about whatsoever, since these progressive results have been telegraphed through the years ever since New Directions lost Regionals in the first season.... Everybody in New Directions is looking terribly worried. Maybe they got a chance to play back footage of the rapping and realized how awful it was. But the result was never in any doubt, because we've got three months to go. From McKinley High, the New Directions - Regional Champions. But at least we got to see the reactions of the parents this time, that was pretty cool. Burt looks so happy you'd think his kid got to do something. LeRoy's mouth is so wide open he could swallow a basketball.

And for the second time this year, the people in second place have the good sense not to jump up and down in confused joy when their name does not get mentioned. Apparently Dalton students have better math skills than the kids at the Catholic school.

You know, Sugar and Rory really lucked out here. They get the whole Nationals experience without any of the anguish of previous years and without having the responsibility of carrying the weight of the choir. They get all the gravy, none of the gristle. Blaine goes over to offer his condolences to the New Improved Sebastian, who is now suddenly his bestest friend in the whole wide world. Maybe he just realizes it's got to suck to be a Warbler, losing to that damned New Directions twice now! And this year, they can't even blame it on the bad gay duet! Oh, why, oh why couldn't Klaine have done a bad gay duet THIS year, Sebastian moans to himself. And then it hits him... he must JOIN NEW DIRECTIONS and do a bad gay duet with Blaine NEXT year after the pesky castrati flies the coop. Totally folks. I called it first. Watch this space for further developments.

Quinn doesn't even get to change out of her costume before she is summoned into Sue's office. Did she steal somebody's lunch money again? No, Sue comes to shower her with kindness. First she thanks her for taking time out of her busy schedule of swaying in the background to speak with her. Then Sue admits she's had a change of heart. Maybe it's caused by temporary sanity, or maybe she's been through the Glee Bully Insta-Redeemer machine again. Sue admires Quinn because she's not quite as horribly bitter and irreparably damaged as Sue is, and she's actually turned her life around. Yes, Quinn has taught Sue how to be woman, and that's why she wants Quinn to be her Best Man at the wedding... oh, wait, sorry. I am getting my inappropriate idolizing of students mixed up here. No, no. She just wants Quinn to be on the Cheerios again, and she's got Quinn's uniform in a box all ready to go. Quinn promises to win her a National Championship, and I wonder if she's going to sing fourteen minutes of Celine Dion in French. Moments later, Quinn struts through the halls wearing her Cheerios outfit and Blaine, who is walking hand in hand with his boyfriend, slows down to tell her that she's looooooking gooooooood. Yes, we get to see Klaine having a little mild PDA and Blaine spends the shot flirting with a girl. They totally are going to make him bisexual next year after Kurt leaves. Totally. I called it.

Then Quinn goes up to get Rachel's reaction to Quinn's complete regression to the way she looked in the first season. Rachel thinks she deserves to be happy. Quinn, completely giddy over the joy of getting her Cheerio mojo back, agrees to support Rachel and come to the wedding. The girls give each other a big hug, and I am completely perplexed about the amount of homoerotic tension that is supposedly in this scene.

Hospital room. David Karofsky is sitting in his bed looking extremely gloomy as Kurt knocks tentatively, looking extremely guilty for no good reason. Kurt asks if he can come in as if he expected to be turned away for his horrible negligence in ignoring stalking phone messages.

"Doctors took me off 72-hour watch. I get to go home tomorrow." says David in a tone that makes me want to cue the violins.

"I'm really happy that you're alive, David" replies Kurt in a tone that matches.

Kurt blames himself for not returning David's calls. David, with an honesty that does him credit, understands that their history did not encourage Kurt to do that. "I made your life a living hell for months, and when the same thing happened to me, I couldn't even take it for a week." Thank you, David. At least ONE person in this whole scenario understands where the guilt lies, and I realize that this scene is the writers' last, best attempt to fix the horrid botched job that was the bullying story line last year. There are still several very worrisome and frightening issues here, which I will get to in a second, but it's an improvement, for sure, and the rehabilitation of David Karofsky finally begins to seem believable to me. It took almost a year.

David goes through the list of people who mistreated him this week. His friendship with Azimio is over. That's a blessing in disguise, sweetie. That friendship did terrible things to you that you do not even understand, and the adult you will become will realize that. This one is not a blessing of any kind: his mother thinks she can find somebody to cure his disease. Yeah, I believe this happened and I can see why it might take a person to a really dark, suicidal place. So now the picture is a little clearer. Everybody in David's support system, except possibly for his father, turned on him at the same time that the bastards did, and when he tried to use Kurt as a support system, he got silence... because Kurt thought he wanted to be his boyfriend and he was not interested in that offer.

David can't go back to that school, so Kurt suggests that he go to another one; I am becoming concerned with the speed that David is ripping through schools. Hey, maybe he can transfer back to McKinley and join New Directions just in time for Nationals! And maybe Will will feel so sad about his troubles that he'll give David a big, fat solo song in competition! Maybe he'll assign him "I am what I am " from La Cage a Faux so that he can show the world how proud he is of being gay! And Kurt can sway in the background, happy for David that he got this opportunity! Doesn't that sound like a great, fair idea?

Kurt now pretends to speak to Karofsky as the writers speak, fairly heavy-handedly, to an audience full of kids who went to the deep, dark place that David did. This scene is, basically, a high-quality "It gets better" video for the Trevor Project. Kurt very honestly tells David that there will be bad days, and then says he will help him get through it. That's it. Kurt has jumped in to be David's sole and entire support system without any help at all from anybody else, because as David just informed him, nobody else (except possibly his dad) loves and accepts him for who he is. That was... kind of the problem. And it's the cancer that made David such a sick little puppy for so long.

And if they can't accept David... well... "Screw them" says a character who won a Golden Globe Award. Where have I heard that before? "But mostly importantly to all the amazing kids that watch our show and that our show celebrates and are constantly told 'no' by people and environments and bullies at school, that they can't be who they are or can't have what they want because of who they are...Screw that, kids."

Oh, Chris. You are twenty one years old and you've got an iconic statement of your very own. "Screw that!" I'm verklempt. And then we learn why Will badgered us about peanut butter. Kurt would like David to visualize what a happy future might bring for him. But since David appears to lack all imagination regarding this, Kurt offers to help him... well, no, Kurt actually imagines it for him. David in ten years....

Kurt's mind gives a thirty year old David (who has an unfortunate bald spot, and it really hits me how old Max looks) an office with a wonderful view.. he's a lawyer! No, he's a Sports Agent, because he's a MACHO gay, unlike the twinky little unicorn sitting in front of him, and that's why so many people in the audience relate to him more than they do to Kurt. He's the "right" kind of gay. He got the hell out of Lima. In comes the handsome partner, the adorable son. They are all going to go to The First Football Game. Dave has his second gay kiss of the show, and this one is relaxed and happy. He leans over to his partner and says:

"I'm so happy right now" finishes David, looking at Kurt as if he were a life preserver, and asks if they could be friends. Kurt says he wants to be friends, too, and he has absolutely no idea what he's just gotten himself into. This is one of those scenes that seems very touching and beautiful on paper, but it's really troubling if you think about it for long. Remember... David has a history of stalking Kurt; with the nine phone messages, we are really up to David stalking Kurt FOUR TIMES now. The show has also established that Kurt is David's ONLY support system when he's in a place that's so painful and gloomy he tried to kill himself. Therefore, what this means is that David has now, whether he intended to or not, placed Kurt in a situation where Kurt must feel solely and ultimately responsible for David's welfare, happiness, and whether or not he stays alive.

David is also in love with Kurt, if we are to believe what he said last week, and I actually do. So the implication is that Kurt is now MORALLY OBLIGATED to let David lean on him whenever he needs a shoulder to cry on, but the homoerotic implications of this pairing really ARE through the roof, and they are canon. If David starts taking full advantage of the offer just given...

I absolutely cannot believe I am about to say this: Blaine, run away as fast as you can and never look back. You do not want to be involved in this very twisted and scary dynamic. Please be aware of this: David's whole story is laced with the word "kill" directed in some way towards Kurt. First it was, "If you tell my secret, I will kill you." Now it's "If you don't give me your undivided attention during my crisis, I will kill MYSELF, and it will be your fault." For the second time, the word "kill" looms over Kurt's head and haunts his decisions. And David is in love with Kurt. And Kurt has a boyfriend who does not carry all this dangerous, frightening baggage. (Actually, Blaine's baggage is terribly underdeveloped, and that's another problem, but I think we can safely assume he is much healthier than David is.) Kurt, at the age of eighteen, with no training in counseling or psychiatry, is now the only lifeline for a very troubled boy who has complicated feelings for him.

C'mon, NYADA. Get him out of here, STAT. Or will Kurt have to give up his New York dreams and stay in Lima to prevent David from going off the deep end again?


Will, is at a vending machine at the courthouse when Sue, radiating with the happy glow of pregnancy, floats up to him and congratulates him for winning Regionals. Maybe the baby is her Glee Bully Insta-Redeemer Machine... except that this does not explain Sebastian suddenly being a reasonable human being. Sue tells Will about the baby and they hug like they are actually friends. There's a lot of that going around. Funny how suicide attempts bring people together. Sue's here to crash the wedding, but unfortunately she does not want to help ruin it; this is one instance in which her tendency to come up with funny ways to sabotage things would have been a real blessing. What Sue does want to do, is help Will win Nationals. She's won Nationals before. She's got tricks up her sleeve, strategies to try. Tip #1 Don't shoot anybody out of a cannon. Tip #2: LET KURT SING. LET KURT SING. LET KURT SING. Please, Sue, this would actually make narrative sense. Talk some sense into Will. Or the writers. Or SOMEBODY. You are the perfect person to turn this around. C'mon, lady. I am counting on you. Make a difference here.

She has no catch for trying to help him. She just wants to help. The Glee Bully Insta-Redeemer Machine is at work, and as I see this resolution of the Will/Sue feud, I have a new inkling.

They may be setting up a strategy to end the show this season, with all the major conflicts solved. It would close with graduation, Sue and Will as friends, each kid off to reach for their dreams, and a Nationals Win. The End. Since Chris has a movie and a book coming out this year, I would not even mind all that much and it might be the best solution to Graduationgate.

And now, let us please raise a toast to the Parents of the Betrothed for doing the audience an immense, wonderful favor that makes me extremely grateful. Burt, Carol, LeRoy, and especially Hiram, have remembered something very,
very important. Glee is officially a comedy. And Jeff Goldblum, aware that there's a nomination for Best Guest Actor in a comedy lingering out there (although Max Adler has made a powerful play for this in this episode) is doing his level best to win. Congressman Hummel has just about had it with this nonsense. He thinks the reverse psychology idea was a complete disaster. He's pulling the plug! He WON'T calm down! He's a congressman, dammit! He's got power!

Carol insists that they did not screw up because the kids would have eloped anyway, and now at least the parents are right there to wring their hands and each other's necks as it happens. Hiram worries that even Patti LuPone could not dissuade Rachel from this foolishness... maybe Barbra Streisand could, but she's not available because she's shopping in her own underground mall. (If you have your own mall, don't you already own all the stuff in it? Why would you need to shop there?) And then Hiram is off to the races. He's ready to have every body shout "I object!" while Burt grabs Finn and Carol flirts with the judge and Hiram shuffles Rachel out the back door and LeRoy drives her to Broadway where she is so taken by the strength of her dream that she forgets all about this silly wedding.

Burt likes it. He'll try anything. Thanks, Hiram, for being the bright light today.

Finn is pacing in the hallway as Rachel comes toward him in an elegant, short white wedding dress. He thinks she looks... she thinks he does, too. She's ready to go in to see the Justice of the Peace, because she's in a hurry, hurry, hurry, but he wants to stop and drink in the moment of her radiance. He wants to remember the moment he threw away his freedom and canceled all his options. However, their Very Special Moment is interrupted by a text message from Quinn. I notice that the clock on the phone is wrong; it is clearly not 11:00 pm as Quinn runs home to get her bridesmaid dress. Given that she had told Rachel did not approve of the wedding until earlier today, I do not know how she even got a bridesmaid dress. Really, how did they get that many matching bridesmaid dresses in one week? How did they swing this in such a hurry, hurry, hurry? Finn invites Ms. Hudson - Berry to take his arm because everybody else is waiting, and we hear strains of "Chapel of Love" playing in Quinn's car as she hurries, hurries, hurries to get that dress.

She checks her makeup and drives. The truck in front of her is not in a hurry, hurry hurry. At the courthouse, Rachel paces, and texts for Quinn to hurry, hurry hurry. Quinn looks at her phone as she drives behind the turtle. It is 4:14 p.m. which is more accurate, and I wonder how far away Quinn lives, and how long they've been waiting for her. Clearly it's been quite some time. Santana is in a hurry, hurry, hurry and thinks Quinn is not coming. Rachel is very anxious; she does not want to star without her newest Best Friend in the Whole World.

Finn's in a hurry, hurry, hurry. They only have five minutes now because the courthouse closes at 5:00 p.m. and they absolutely, positively MUST do it TODAY. Hurry, hurry hurry. Rachel glances nervously at the clock, which says 4:55... how far away does Quinn live? Maybe she should just have come in her regular clothes? Rachel paces as Finn leads his parents toward the room where Rachel and her honor attendants are waiting.



I say "honor attendants" because two of the people flocked around Rachel are not pink-clad bridesmaids. Kurt Hummel, wearing a tuxedo, is one of Rachel Berry's honor attendants as she prepares to marry Finn Hudson. (So is Blaine.) If one considers where these two people started in relation to each other, that really is a remarkable situation indeed. Maybe people can get over "Hairography" now. Finn bursts into the bride's chamber as Tina protests that this is bad luck. She turns out to be right, of course, but nobody ever listens to Tina. It's time to go. They only have five minutes. They have to hurry, hurry, hurry because if they don't get married this very instant, they never will. It's now or never. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Rachel begs him to wait just a little bit longer.... Actually Hiram, who would like for them to wait a lot longer, is now devising a scheme to delay the wedding by faking a seizure... but Rachel begs Quinn to hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.... and Quinn picks up the phone, taking her eyes off the road.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, can't stop to think, can't stop to reflect, can't stop to realize the foolishness of this entire affair, and as Quinn hurries, hurries, hurries to calm Rachel's anxiety, she begins to text.

She's ignoring the road.

On...

She's ignoring the stop sign.

my...

She's ignoring the oncoming truck.

...way.....


CRASH!!!!!!!!


And that's it for Glee for the next two months. And that may be it for Quinn. I think it's safe to say she will not be on the Cheerios, and Yale may now be iffy. Is she alive or dead? Will the wedding go on or not? Is Hiram really going to have a seizure? Is David going to hound Kurt's every waking moment? And most important of all....

Is the hiatus this long so the producers of Glee can catch up on their production schedule? Or is it because they are looking at possible replacement shows for their lagging superstar, the musical comedy turned soap opera?


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