Hello Glee fans, and welcome to the Second Annual Glee Hug A Hurting Homosexual Hoedown! It's Finn Hudson's own personal tradition! You see, every year at this very, very special time, Finn Hudson sees that a gay person he knows has been horribly attacked by some asshole, be it a closeted thug or a hateful pizza place owner who is running for Congress. And he dedicates one entire episode to making everybody around him talk endlessly about how amazingly wonderful and awesome the Homosexual of the Year is, whether it actually makes any narrative sense or not! The homosexual in question may or may not actually be a wonderful and awesome human being, and the praise may or may not be justified, but it doesn't matter, because in the Glee World, Being Gay is Awesome. (And all this time I thought I adored Kurt because he's a good, principled person and he loves certain people so fiercely. Nope, it's just because he's gay.) That one attribute alone makes even nightmarish thugs like David Karofsky heroic.
Last year the honoree was Kurt Hummel during "Furt", and this year, it's Santana. Blaine, your special, special day is coming up next year. Watch your back for the soul-crushing surprise attack, and then sit back and enjoy the adulation as Finn spends an hour trying to make it all better. Oh, wait, he will have graduated by then. Maybe he will pass the tradition on to Rory. I swear, this new holiday is going to be as big as Festivus!
The whole wonderful celebration begins in Figgins' office, as he informs us that McKinley has had a Zero Violence Tolerance Policy at McKinley. Uh.... OK, this must be a brand new... No, wait... THREE YEARS? That policy has been on the books for THREE YEARS???? EXCUSE ME????!!!! OK, that's... that's a new record, Glee. You've got me throwing things at the TV and we are an earth-shattering 32 seconds into the show. Santana is pretty disgusted too, and asks why they don't suspend all the people who throw slushies at the Glee Club kids. Well, none of the people who sit on the School Board have ever been hit by a slushie, so they don't know it's like being "bitch-slapped by an iceberg" (says Chris Colfer, who should know.) They obviously didn't see that blood-curdling, genuinely disturbing moment when an entire circle of hockey punks surrounded a boy in a wheelchair who could not run away and then pelted him from all sides with a sick red avalanche that I swear to god made it look like Artie was bleeding to death on the floor. That scene still bothers me. I want to know where that zero tolerance policy was when Kurt was being slammed so hard into lockers he couldn't stay on his feet, or when he was making daily trips to the dumpster with a little help from Puck and Finn. I want to know why Will didn't run to the Principal's office to invoke the Zero Tolerance Policy when Puck was crammed into a portapotty with neither food, nor water, nor any means to escape, for over 24 hours.
I am pissed off and offended and we are 32 seconds into the show. Worst. Retcon. Ever. It would have been less bad if they'd informed us that Blaine was actually in the seventh grade. I have been told this thing was a real nightmarish fail, so this recap is going to be a lot of fun this week, I can already tell.
Santana has a new gambit. She's.... she's.... a split personality. Yeah, that's the ticket. She didn't slap Finn in the face, unprovoked. (And God knows it wasn't unprovoked! I am not Team Santana in this argument by any means but, dammit, Finn...) No, she got mad and this Snix bitch came out of her Id and slapped the snot out of Finn. She's like the Incredible Hulk. (No, Santana, it's Rory who finds it's Not That Easy Being Green.) Figgins decides that, for the very first time in the history of the incredibly effective McKinley Zero Tolerance policy, he's going to suspend somebody who actually hurt somebody else, and the earth immediately opens up and swallows his office, the school, the town and everybody in it, and RIB whole. Glee is over. The end.
Nope, still here. The Rapture hasn't come yet. Guess we have to keep moving forward. Santana throws another little fit because she's going to miss Sectionals and might not be able to destroy New Directions as she originally planned. Will contains any impulse he might have to dance a happy little jig at this news and swears he just thinks she deserves punishment for her crimes. Even Shelby isn't willing to help. But...
Finn is! Because it's the Hug a Hurting Homesexual Hoedown! Grab your gay partner, just like so, lie like hell and do-see-do! No, she didn't REALLY slap me, your honor! It was.... a... stage slap! That's right! I know all about those, because Anita had to stage slap Maria at one point during West Side Story, and those harmless fake slaps made Rachel look like she was sunburned! She told me all about it as I applied cold compresses to her cheek so the swelling would go down. Yessir, that's what happened. The adults look at him like he's from Mars, and then they let Santana go.
As they leave Fooliggin's office, Santana cannot, for the life of her, figure out why Finn lied for her. Finn says he wants Sectionals to be a fair fight, and she says something horribly rude, because that's Santana for you, and then Finn makes his Annual Speech about how the Hug a Homosexual Hoedown honoree is secretly the most awesome person ever, even though last year the guy he was overpraising was somebody he'd actually, at some point, had friendly and positive interactions with. This year... nah. Unless her taking his virginity counts. Actually, when you consider that Finn lost his virginity to a lesbian who hates him, that's really pretty sad. However, Santana seems to think his overdone pity is sweet. Then they get down to the nitty gritty. Finn's got an ulterior motive. He wants the Troubletones to join New Directions in the choir room for a week long Very Special Lesson about how awesome Santana is. Seriously. That's the plot this week. Really. And if she doesn't come listen to the tribute to her, he will let Figgins suspend her. Notice that they have not once mentioned the whole thing about him outing her.
Last year, it was just a wedding. This year, it's a whole lesson plan. Next year, Blaine gets a ticker tape parade and Warblers singing at lunchtime every day for a month.
Rachel walks down the hall looking pensive. She hasn't been this worried about an election since Lambert vs. Allen, and that's a better analogy than it ought to be, because, yup. Same gap in talent and worthiness, same personal attribute overshadowing everything else. I was Team Lambert. Still kind of disgusted, and as I recall, somebody stuffed the ballot box then, too. Of course, in American Idol, stuffing the ballot box efficiently is kind of encouraged and expected, and nobody does that better than fangirls, which is why we will never have another female winner ever again, but I digress.
Rachel is certain Kurt has to win to get into NYADA, and also thinks he's a better candidate, because Brittney is handing out Pixie Sticks as she informs her fawning admirers that excessive sugar helps concentration. Yes, it aids in concentration of fat cells to your thighs and abdomen, and the poor little slobs she's preaching to probably don't get to work out with Coach Sylvester to take it all off again. Rachel tries to combat this nonsense by engaging in one of her wild-eyed protestations in Figgins' office.
"Buying votes is illegal!" she hisses.
"It's also delicious!" says this reprehensible worm of an administrator, who apparently is extremely choosy about which school rules he thinks are worthy of enforcing. He's got one of Britt's pixie sticks. Now, here's where the election story should have gotten funny. Kurt should have responded by bringing in lollipops. Brittney should have arrived with ice cream cones. Kurt should have responded by getting Breadstix to back him for some loltastic reason and started handing out free dinners for two.... and so on. But unfortunately, they are going for maudlin instead of madcap in this storyline, so the pixie sticks is as far as the bribery will go, I fear.
Rachel laments that nobody cares how poorly the election is going. They are so lost in their own little worlds that they can't see how important this is to HER. If Brittney wins, Rachel will have to go to work without her Best Gay, and he might not be on hand to help her with makeovers and cooking.
Best... Gay? Last week, she cared for him so much she was weeping because he wouldn't be her friend, and this week, all she can see about him is the swish? You know, Chris Colfer has done a pretty flipping fine job, against considerable odds, of making this character become about a lot more than makeovers and recipes. And then we get comments like this, that suddenly rip Kurt out of the world of the three-dimensional characters and reduce him to a caricature again. It's not a very funny joke, and it doesn't say much for their friendship. And the Hummelberry friendship is precious to me when it's done well, so I am annoyed.
Jacob the horribly annoying little weasel is badgering Kurt. He wants Kurt to give a concession speech so Jacob will have an exclusive on his blog. Jacob does not offer any incentive for the this humiliating proposition. Kurt isn't ready to give up... in this particular situation, faced with this particular gadfly... because he's leading Rick the Stick by ten percent. Apparently, he's more impressive than a guy who is currently in a coma. I think he might have been in a coma during the debate, actually. Besides, Rick doesn't have any Pixie Sticks. Jacob points out that Brittney leads Kurt by 17 points, and says, "If this were a horse race, you'd be glue!" I see that Jacob thinks he can get his exclusive scoop out of Kurt by sweet talking him. Sly bastard. Just keep pouring on the charm. Then he runs off to talk to Brittney - "Madam President!" and maybe chow down on some pixie sticks. I hope you choke on them, you little toad. Rachel consoles Kurt; they still have the rest of the day to change the minds of the voters! Quick, go get some lollipops! But Kurt is already in maudlin sad sack mode, where he will remain almost this entire episode, and I really do say this from a place of caring. I am sick of Kurt in maudlin sad sack mode. He's too awesome and Chris is too talented for this to be all he ever does. Kurt thinks he has to pull off a JFK. Rachel fears an assassination attempt, but actually, it's merely a character assassination attempt. Kurt has suddenly decided he needs to get the Chicago mafia to stuff the ballot boxes so that Brittney Nixon will go down. (And all this time I thought Jack won that election because he looked better in TV debates than Tricky Dick did.) Rachel is horrified by the idea, horrified I say, and she wants to do a great duet in the cafeteria. I think that's a wonderful idea, so, go to it, you two! Awesome Hummelberry duet in five... wait? Not really?
No awesome Hummelberry duet? Sniffle. This cruel, cruel script. You mock me, sir. Kurt apparently remembers that when Glee Kids sing at this school, people throw food and set pianos on fire, so he wants to whine about not having the right mentality to be an election cheat. Then he whines about his blank resume.
OK, Kurt, give me your resume. It's not blank. You are just suffering from amnesia. You were on the football team, you were a Cheerio, you led them to a National Title with your singing, you were Riff Raff, you were a featured soloist at the Regionals competition last year, you single-handedly raised the funds necessary to put on West Side Story this year, you have competed in Glee Clubs for three years straight, and you are suffering from a crippling dose of self-pity that is making you forget every awesome thing you have ever done, and it's not helping your situation. Neither is the worst Guidance Counselor in the history of American Education, who has recommended no safety schools and has not helped him remember the things he's done well. He leaves Rachel with the inaccurate belief that he's considering cheating, and stalks off. I am enormously disappointed in him for planting this idea in her head without turning it into something funny. In the old Glee, their attempts to stuff the ballot boxes would have been the focus of the episode and another opportunity for madcap mayhem, but now, it's just a setup for tragedy. God, the writing on this show is bad sometimes.
In the choir room, Finn has set up the Lesson They Will Be Beating Into Our Heads This Week. The theme is songs by women, about women, and it's all intended to cast as much attention as possible to the fact that Santana just got unceremoniously outed by some jackass last week. Yes, they will be singing about the fact that Santana got outed All. Week. Long. No discussion about the way she was outed or who that jackass actually was. Interestingly enough, girlfriend is not terribly happy about this weird tribute he's planning for her. "Don't I get a say in this?" she asks, but apparently, the answer is no. You see, Glee is a place where you are supposed to celebrate who you are, and be proud of that, unless who you are is a person who wants some privacy in a moment of considerable personal stress. Then, Glee is a place where they torture with lots of love for a week, because otherwise the Second Annual Hug a Hurting Homosexual Hoedown will be a big old bust, and we can't have that.
So the first two people up to torture Santana are two fellows I really love very much, certainly more than I love her, and they will be singing because they know exactly how she's feeling. Except they really don't, since each of these brave guys came out of the closet all by themselves without being coerced, and we know for sure that Kurt, at least, does not have an Abuela who calls him Garbage Face. They are singing a song they sing to each other in the car, which is really quite an adorable idea. Santana shows her true feelings about all these warm fuzzies by insulting each of them a couple of times, and Kurt starts to sing Pink's "Perfect".
He starts by singing in his lower register. It's really very pretty. The entire Internet stops dead in its tracks. Even people whose personal hobby is to hate Chris Colfer have to suck it up and accept that he sounds really, really good on this very painful song about being bullied and mistreated all the time. Then Blaine comes in on the chorus and the Internet stops in its tracks again, because Klaine is actually blending together well. It IS actually possible. This is, like... pretty perfect, actually. It's doesn't have quite the edge of animal hurt that is probably necessary for this song, but it's possible Kurt's trying to soothe Santana, not upset her, so I will let this go. Everybody in the choir room loves it, except for one person. Everybody on iTunes apparently loves it, and Chris Colfer is singing lead on a genuine hit, and I am ecstatic for him. More lower register pop songs for the Wonderful Unicorn, please! And when they end this great duet, they look to the woman they have serenaded for approval, and she...
Insults them. Because this is Santana, and she's not really deserving of a full week of songs about how wonderful she is, because she's really not. But here's the funny thing. I understand exactly why she did it. You see, while all these people are trying so hard to express how awesome it is that Santana is a lesbian, they have forgotten why she's under such stress in the first place. She's not stressed because she needs to accept her sexuality. She's stressed because her privacy has been horribly violated BY FINN. That's the whole reason she slapped him in the first place; he outed her and took away her agency in this matter. And now, with this assignment he's forcing on her, he's asking people to do absolutely nothing but sing endlessly about something she wanted to keep to herself, and unfortunately Klaine, as well meaning as they were, are the first two people to lead off this incredible invasion of her privacy. So she insults them. I totally, completely get it. And when I view Santana vs. Kurt and come down in favor of Santana, you have to know there's a damned good reason.
Sue is in her office, writing in her diary. Sue, at the age of approximately 50, still keeps a diary. I assume it's because she has no close friends to confide in. And she's got deep, deep problems that she needs her best little book to help her solve. You see... She's neck and neck in the polls with Salazar... and that ad is about to run. The ad where it's deeply implied that Sue Sylvester must be a lesbian because she let Santana be the Cheerios captain. I guess we should all be grateful that Salazar did not also accuse her of having Down's Syndrome, although possibly even Glee won't sink that low. (Of course, they totally would have, back in Season One when it was insane, evil and hysterically funny.) However, Sue is quick to assure her papery little confidant that she is NOT, I repeat, NOT a Friend of Ellen. NOT. And then, in a passage that reminds me that Jane actually is a lesbian and suggests that Sue doth protest too much, Sue recounts all the sterotypically lesbian parts of her personality: her mannish manner, aggressive behavior, inability to wear anything other than track suits... you get the picture. I am not sure if Glee is trying to make fun of lesbian stereotypes or confirm them. Although it does occur to me that most lesbians do not marry themselves. That's not gay behavior. It's insane behavior, and I am surprised Salazar has not figured this out, since it's a lot stranger than having a lesbian cheerleader.
No, she assures us. Again. She likes MEN. Well, no, actually she hates the company of men in general, but she needs a penis for a booty call. And she needs to show how much she likes men in order to get ahead in the race, so she pulls out a little black book that lists the names and fake phone numbers of all the celebrities she's ever fantasized about having sex with. Yes, that's my head canon and I am sticking to it, because Stephen Baldwin is not tapping THIS. Not after Oliver North and Dan Quayle have had their way with her. I am not surprised that Oliver North bites. I notice she's got Eric Stoltz in there in a nice little bit of meta humor. And then she sees it. That's the kind of guy she needs! Somebody she actually knows and for whom she's got a genuine phone number!
In the teacher's lounge, our sweetly prissy Ms. Emma is attempting to be very, very polite in her obvious disgust at the Beiste's normal table manners. It appears that, in Glee's only reference to the Thanksgiving holiday, Shannon has brought a Turducken for lunch. It's a barnyard in a bite! And a coronary in every delicious fistful, er, forkful! Beiste has to eat more protein to keep up her strength, you see. She's working very hard as the student election advisor, although apparently not very effectively, as the incidents of Pixie Stick comas continue to rise, and the ballots appear to be woefully easy to steal. I wonder if she's talked to Brittney about Topless Tuesdays yet. And her nights... ooh, lala, her nights, they are busy, busy. Her quadraceps are quivering like jelly. Cooter pushed her to her limits. Is this way too much information? Are they getting hot and heavy? Is he giving it to her GOOD???? No, he just put extra weight on her dumbbells and she moaned like porn star. Seriously. They were lifting weights. And Shannon feels like she's met her match. Cooter is the only man for her.
I wonder if Will and Emma understood that she was talking about weightlifting? Does it matter? Emma probably doesn't get any innuendo anyway. The days when she thought a weak gag reflex might turn out to be a good thing for a girl are long, long gone.
It's Puck's turn to participate in the Hug a Hurting Homosexual Hoedown, and he's doing it with a song by an actual homosexual - Melissa Etheridge. So, of course, he uses it to flirt with all the women in the room, just like Melissa would. Quinn. Rachel. Shelby. Yes, he flirts with Rachel AND Shelby in the same room at the same time during the same song. EEEEEWWWWWWWWW..... And as he does it, he sings these words:
Please baby can't you see
My mohawk looks like hell
I need a razor for rippin' and tearin' and strippin'
This awful thing off my shell
Tonight you told me
That my haircut's just not cool
And some other hairdresser is lookin' like something
That might be good for you...
Oh, I'm sorry. He didn't sing that. That... thing on his head is distracting. And he's not really flirting with Rachel all THAT much. Mostly he's pretending to flirt with Quinn while really making Shelby incredibly uncomfortable as he looks like he's about to undress her right then and there in front of everybody. Sugar Motta attempts to lighten the scene a little bit by being a little cutely funny when Puck flirts with her, but the damage is already done. Quinn is beginning to figure it all out. Smart girl, that one. It gets so bad that even Rachel begins to figure it out, and EEWWWWWWW for her. Poor Rachel.
I have to hand it to Mark, though. He's making me feel Puck's anguish and longing here. The tone's not lustful at all; he's really giving Shelby absolutely everything he has and laying it out there for anybody to see, and all she can do is sit squelched in her little corner and act like her own choices were not directly responsible for this reaction from him. God, this woman is a menace. She's just awful. Her whole purpose in life is to drop into the lives of teenagers and screw them up beyond recognition. He ends the whole thing by saying the song was for Santana, and seems perfectly content with the idea that the little intimate moments they used to share were nothing but a phase for her. I guess he got his orgasms, and that's all he wanted, so he's 95% less shocked then half the internet expected him to be. I wonder if he ever had a threesome with Santana and Brittney and began figuring it all out. Maybe he kind of knew. He does not explain well how singing a song about begging a lover to stay to a lesbian with whom he used to have a genuine booty call arrangement - I guess we can't call it a love affair - is appropriate.
Quinn meets up with him in the hallway. Apparently, she didn't think it was appropriate either. It appears their agreement was that he would sing the song to Quinn. Not Shelby. And incidentally, not Santana. But Quinn, you did not get the memo. All songs this week are to be devoted only to Santana because she's the Hug a Hurting Homosexual Honoree. You do not get a song, or a hug. It is not your year. And unless the show goes completely overboard with the crack ships and grants you Faberry, it will never be your year. You are dangerously close to insane, but because you are not gay, you are not hurting enough for anybody to care about your problems.
Puck's a pretty good singer, but he's a terrible liar as he attempts to convince Quinn that he sang to Shelby so that she would let them babysit Beth. Because singing desperate love songs to mothers is a great way to drum up babysitting business. Quinn changes the subject, and.... oh, god.
I am not sure I can write this with a straight face. Quinn invites Puck over on Friday so that he can have sex with her again. And then, in a string of absolutely true statements that ranks as one of the cruelest things anybody has every said to anybody on this show, Puck replies "You're kind of nuts. Higher maintenance than Berry, and pretty much the most selfish person I've ever met in my life, so thanks for the offer, but... I'd rather raw-dog a beehive." And of course, the reason why it's the cruelest is because it's true and Quinn knows it.
But no song for her. She's not gay. Dear lord. I HATE this bitch and I'm just dying for her right now.
Finn approaches a sullen, resigned Santana to pat himself on the back for how awesomely wonderful his Hug a Hurting Homosexual Hoedown is going. She does not want to pat his back. She wants to kick his ass. As Santana so excellently puts it, Finn is forcing her out of the flannel closet. He is invading her privacy, depriving her of her basic dignity, parading her sexuality around as something for other people to contemplate at length and make musical editorials about, and the longer I think about this whole bloody mess the worse I realize it is. This episode is HORRIBLE. Really, deeply, profoundly offensive, and before I began writing this recap and started really thinking critically about it, I just thought it was tiresome and dumb. I thought it was stupid that they spent the entire time singing the praises of a hateful girl who insults people all the time, but now I am really getting exactly what they've done to her.
When Santana asks Finn why he's going so worked up about Santana's need to come out of the closet, he replies "Because I don't want you to die." Somehow, Finn has heard about Jamie Hubley. And I don't say that lightly, nor am I for one cold second making fun of that poor, real boy who had real problems and asked the people who loved him to remember him as a Unicorn. However, the writers also found out about Jamie at around the time of Asian F, and lo and behold, here's a reference to gay teenage suicide in the scripts that were written directly afterward. It does appear that Finn, whose behavior regarding homosexuality has been primarily dictated by a desire to be a good guy despite his frequent forays into truly nasty and destructive spasms of Gay Panic, has done a rather startling Heel Face Turn. Now, all of a sudden, he's become the Guru of Wisdom Regarding How Homosexuals Should Deal. He's going to come riding down on his high horse and save her from her crippling self-loathing because all gay kids are one piece of bad news away from suicide. Apparently, Finn has never, ever met a resilient gay person who ever exhibited any courage or class in the face of negativity, scorn, ridicule... death threats...
You... arrogant... DOUCHEBAG. God, get off my screen, Finn. You are forcing everybody to talk endlessly about Santana's gender preference against her will because you don't think this saucy little mama can handle her problems and she needs YOUR protection. God. I just can't... God. Glee has just made the case for forcing people out of the closet against their will. I think any cachet they ever had for the positive portrayal of gay characters may have just gone away with this patronizing garbage. And the thing that really grosses me out: Last year, Kurt kept Karofsky's secret because he felt that outing people was wrong. He kept that secret at immense personal cost. He bled and wept to keep the secret of a person he hated. That was considered the right thing to do. (I personally am not sure; I wonder what the tipping point at which the gay person's privacy must be waived when it interferes with the safety and well-being of somebody like Kurt. I don't like the fact that no adult ever learned about that forced kiss.) However, here? Finn can talk about it endlessly and Santana can't stop him? And that's now the right thing to do?
Is it because she's a lesbian rather than a gay man? I'm just throwing it out there. I really want to know what the double standard is here.
Finn continues this odious conversation by explaining that he cares because... she was His First. That meant something to him. (Cue memory of Finn and Santana in bed during The Power of Madonna, with Finn looking disappointed and troubled. She asks him what's wrong. He says, "It didn't mean anything.") That's why he feels he has to take away all her choices; because he screwed her once. Well, Finn, so did a lot of other guys, and you don't see them hounding her like this.
And with that appalling scene out of the way, we move on to Finn's solo. I actually fear to express what I really think of this, because there's a rule against bashing characters and I'm already so ticked at Finn that I'm probably right at the line of getting yelled at by a moderator. So I'm afraid I've got to turn off my snark here and be really straight about it. Sometimes uptempo pop songs can be slowed down and still be effective, but this is no I Wanna Hold Your Hand for Finn. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun is not supposed to sound like a dirge. I hate this arrangement and I think it emphasizes every single weakness Cory has as a singer. I think this song is absolutely, painfully dreadful. I had a very, very difficult time getting through it. One of the worst songs Glee has ever done, ranking down there with Candles.
Santana is so touched by it she gives Finn, the guy who outed her in the first place, a long, grateful hug.
Am I wrong? Am I deaf? I'm confused. But at least I don't have to listen to that anymore. Finn fans, please don't hate me. If you ask, I will be happy to send you a list of songs I think Cory did quite well, and one of them was just last week, but this was not one of them.
Well, here's Beiste. She's at Breadstix. That might be nice, as long as we are not forced to watch her eat again. She's ordered some takeout. She's ordered Chicken Taquitos, Chicken Patties, Chicken Side Order, Chicken This, Chicken That, and a nice Chicken Sundae for dessert. I hope Cooter's favorite food isn't hamburgers. Speaking of Cooter... she turns around, and there he is, sitting in a booth, cosily posing with Sue Sylvester as living proof that she's not a lesbian, no sir. Shannon wants Cooter to be the Love of Her Life, and Sue wants him to be her Photo Opportunity, and right now, Sue is apparently winning. Beiste's face falls so low I'd have to get a shovel to find it for her, poor thing.
She wanders sadly over to the happy couple and trembles out "Hey, Cooter? W..what are you doing here?" Cooter looks like a puppy that just got caught ripping up a pillow. He knows he did something bad, and it's really awkward. Sue punches evil life into the scene by going on one of those long insult-ridden rants that only Jane can really deliver well, calling Beiste Bluto, laying claim to Cooter and revealing that she's talking to the media to prove she likes guys. At the sound of this barrage of insults, Cooter looks uncomfortable, and I wonder that he does not suddenly realize that the person he's hurt Shannon for is a mind-boggling bitch.
I did like the line about USA Today: Newspaper for People Who Can't Read. (Complimentary copies available for all business travelers at major convention hotels.)
Anyhoo, back to Beiste and Cooter. She looks like she's about to cry and Cooter actually is a little concerned. Is she OK?
Well, sure, asshole. Except for the gaping hole you just left in her heart, yes, she's fine. But she's actually pretty honest with him. Not very articulate, mind you... "I thought you and I were doing stuff. And stuff." The actress's delivery is a lot better than the line. Apparently, Cooter couldn't figure out that Shannon liked him, even though they were together every night, because they went... weightlifting. Apparently, watching her lift weights and moan in ecstasy is not that much fun for him. "Dammit, I'm a MAN, Shannon! I got NEEEEEEEEDS!" I think he NEEEEEEDS a swift kick in the rear.
Does anybody besides me find it kind of funny that both female characters in this love triangle are being played by lesbians, in an episode devoted to talking endlessly about lesbians?
And there it is, Glee Fans. The moment of truth. It's the dreaded Black Ballot Box, where the truth will be revealed, dreams will come true or be smashed into dust, and we learn exactly how unbelievably stupid people can be. The line to vote for Class President is overflowing with kids hyped on Pixie Sticks. The line to vote in Burt's Congressional Election, coincidentally held in the very same school on the very same day (what are the odds?) is exceptionally sparse. Maybe nobody even cares about Salazar's ads.
Jacob asks Brittney and Santana who they are voting for, which is a little like asking them who they are sleeping with, but this man has never been known for asking the hard questions. Of course, every question is hard for Brittney, and I am only 65% sure she was kidding when she said she was voting for Rick the Stick. Jacob smugly announces that Brittney is polling well ahead of Lady Hummel, and I swear to god I want to smash this little weasel's face in. However, insulting Kurt isn't enough for this revolting scumbag; once again he shoves a camera in Kurt's face and this time, Finn makes him leave. Sometimes it's handy to have a brother who is ten feet tall.
Kurt feels like a lamb who is being led to slaughter. I am not surprised. This has been a perpetual state for him ever since his dad had a heart attack in Grilled Cheesus over a year ago. He can't go more than about four episodes without being given a damned good reason to cry his eyes out, and GOOD GRAVY it's getting old. Rachel and Finn are there to cheer him on, and Rachel hopefully points out Quinn headed into the polling booth. Surely she will vote for him.?
Uh, Rachel... Quinn and Brittany were Cheerios together. Brittney backed Quinn up on her original audition. They, along with Santana, comprise the Unholy Trinity, now an actual canon designation. I don't know if Quinn has ever had a single one on one scene with Kurt. No, she's voting for the girl. Because she's a girl. And no other reason.
Mercedes goes into the voting booth next, and her internal monologue breaks people's hearts, smashes their memories, and sends Glee continuity permanently down the drain. This is Mercedes. Mercedes, who once smashed Kurt's windows when she realized he didn't want to be her boyfriend. Mercedes, who was the first person he ever came out to. Mercedes, who joined him on the Cheerios. Mercedes, who was once so close to him they wiggled their fingers in each other's hands, who needed to be in a show with him on Bravo. Mercedes, whom he loved so much he was actually willing to accept her invitation to come to her church, because she needed to share her view of God with him even though he's an atheist. Mercedes, who shared sleepovers and secrets...
Mercedes is torn, because Brittney is her Troubletones homegirl, but she thinks Santana will be insufferable if her girlfriend wins the election. THAT is the reason she voted for Kurt. There have been a tiny, tiny handful of well-developed, platonic friendships on Glee between boys and girls, and this was among the most epic. But now, it appears to be not only over, but utterly and completely forgotten. It is as if their bond never existed at all, and this is actually painful to watch. If Finn can have a bond with Santana, a mean, insulting girl who hates him, because they screwed one time, why can't Mercedes remember ANY of the time she ever spent with Kurt at all? Somebody ought to be fired for this. I mean it.
Mike comes in next. He votes Hummel like a BAMF. No explanation needed. Thanks Mike. We needed that. Never change. Finn votes for Kurt, Santana votes for Brittney, no surprises there. Brittney can't figure out how to use the ballot box. Puck votes for Ross Perot. I guess he's moving to Switzerland, too. (How many of the kids watching this show even get that joke?)
Kurt votes. He thinks he can't get into NYADA unless he wins. Whether or not he goes to college or ends up managing a Sonic depends on this election? Really? Honey, please look here. Do you know what this is, sweetie? It's a list of EVERY COLLEGE IN NEW YORK CITY. On a brief, very imprecise count, I counted 88 schools. Here's a thought, Kurt. Why don't you APPLY SOMEPLACE ELSE????!!! Why didn't that guidance counselor who told you about NYADA suggest that you APPLY SOMEPLACE ELSE???? Does the Glee universe have some kind of rule where each graduating senior can only apply to one place? Does the fact that Kurt only goes to NYADA if there's a spinoff really have to haunt every frame of his storyline this year quite so dramatically? Isn't it just putting a huge, ugly shadow all over everything he and Rachel do? Damned that spinoff anyway. Uncertainty about next year is beginning to actively eat away at this year, and it's making some people insanely stupid.
Will and Emma come up to say hello to heartbroken Shannon. The real election is giving Sue lots of chances to rub her new relationship with Cooter in Shannon's face. Will insists that Cooter's just a campaign strategy for her, which makes Cooter a complete idiot, and Becky gives the Bieste a picture of the Sue/Cooter kisses just to hurt her. Bieste feels like she's stuck in a country music video. And.. would you look at that! Look what just happened! Beiste is singing "Jolene!" She's in a music video! It's like magic! Of course, when Shannon gets to the lines "Your beauty is beyond compare" I have to glance back over at Sue because.. uh... you know, Jane Lynch always looks very pretty when she's dressed up for awards shows, and I don't want to knock her, but "beauty" has never really been the first word that has come to mind when I see her. "Funny" and maybe even "handsome" but not really..Oh, great. Now she's following them around even when the cameras aren't on, and they actually seem to be having a pretty good time, which basically means she's a pathetic wraith stalking them. I am not enjoying this.
Rachel, looking very nervous, comes up with concern. She wants to know if Coach is OK. Coach wants to know if Rachel is OK. Neither is OK. We don't understand what just happened. Yet.
Onward! Santana is walking uneasily down the hallway as a bunch of belligerent hormone factories eye her as if she were already putting Topless Tuesdays into practice in honor of Brittney's impending victory. (Election day is always on Tuesday, right? No better place to start. And I bet nobody gets suspended for THAT because eye candy is so delicious.) Josh Coleman, Sophomore Rugby Captain, has taken it upon himself to straighten Santana out; given her track record, I am surprised he hasn't walked down this road before. Although, Santana was screwing guys back during sophomore year when they had not decided to make her a lesbian yet, so maybe he missed his big opportunity and wants to play catch up. However, it's the combined might of EVERY Glee Club girl, Troublemaker and LostDirections alike, to hand him his ass on a platter. Funny how they all managed to show up at once, even Sugar. Maybe one of the perks of being the Hug a Homosexual Hoedown Honoree (which I am now going to shorten to HHHHoe, because it's getting kind of long) is an implanting homing beacon that warns others whenever the Honoree is being subjected to truly objectionable sexual harrassment or other garbage. Gee, I wish we had had that last year. We might not have had to spend half the season at Dalton suffering from Warbler Fatigue and School Schizophrenia. The Girls of Glee inform Josh that Santana is normal (that's debatable in general, but her gender preference is certainly not on the table for him to judge or change. That's solely up to the discretion of RIB.) Quinn coolly informs him that he'd be their LAST CHOICE anyway, and given how weirdly hormonal she is at the moment, that's a wonderfully appropriate diss. Their combined implied Lesbian Power chases the jerk away, and for one glorious minute I think we have just seen a moment of real female empowerment and feminist solidarity on Glee.
Then they start singing "I Kissed a Girl" and about 30 seconds into the number my heart falls directly into the cellar and stays there in horror. At first I think they are flirting with each other to freak out the aggressor, but... dear god, no. It's just to titillate the audience. It's freaking fan service. They are having Quinn flirt with Rachel because certain fans think it's hot. They go into the choir room, still groping each other wildly, and the reaction of the straight guys in the room just makes me want to cry and shut the damned thing off. Artie, put your eyes back in your head. Finn, close your mouth. Actually, can we get some duct tape for that? Rory, if you don't stop doing that thing with your lips I swear I am going to rip them off you. Will, stop... WILL! STOP GRINNING!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMMIT, WILL!
Oh, grilled cheesus. Even Kurt and Blaine are taking pictures with their cell phones. Betrayed. I feel betrayed, I tells ya. You two should be staring at this in puzzled silence, wondering why we can have a groping female orgy in the choir room but you guys need an act of congress to get permission to kiss, and your sex scene consisted of touching noses with a space the size of a basketball between your fully clothed bodies. Is Glee's sudden interest in lesbianism an attempt to give equal time to the distaff half of the whole Gay Issue, or is it because lipstick lesbians are hot? To men. Never mind that the song is not really about being a lesbian. It's just... ah, Katy Perry sucks. Not even worth my time.
Santana has some genuinely good news. She came out to her parents, and they were fine with it. Of course, we don't get to see that scene; you see, a Coming Out scene in which a gay kid is loved and embraced by his or her family really isn't very good television, now, is it? Has Glee ever done anything like that? How did it go? I forget. Was it memorable and awesome, and it did it turn a minor character into a star? Well, maybe cool, loving parents are old news now. Santana still has to tell Abuela, but it should not be a major problem, because she only watches Univision.
Principal Figgins steps into the office, looking very severe. He needs to see Kurt Hummel. In his office. IMMEDIATELY. Kurt's eyes widen in fear and he glances at Blaine. Just a tip, Kurt. I understand that black hoods worn over the head are the most fashionable way to attend one's own execution.
Next scene: Figgin's office. He's called in Beiste and Burt to witness Kurt's impending doom. Boy, you know, Burt's a congressional candidate and it's election day. Isn't it convenient that apparently all the major events connected with that election were taking place at McKinley, so he was just really handy. What are the odds?
It appears there are some irregularities with the ballots. Kurt looks confused and frightened. Beiste tells them he won the election, and we don't get to see his face there, though we do see Burt's. They pause just long enough to give the Hummel family a dash of cruel hope, and then lower the boom.
Kurt won by a landslide.
The number of ballots was greater than the number of Seniors at McKinley.
Now, here's where being a spoiler addict altered my perception of the scene, and in this case, it probably saved my sanity. The very strong implication here is that Kurt is the person who stuffed the ballot boxes, and he certainly doesn't help matters by actually confessing that he considered cheating. (Kurt, don't EVER confess to thinking about doing a crime when you didn't do it, and they think you did. You might as well just trudge into your jail cell.) Burt looks angry and quite alarmed. The three grim adults in the room look like they've heard everything they need to hear, as Kurt's voice trembles and stammers toward terrified heartbreak. At this moment, I assume the General Audience thinks Kurt is guilty as well, and I think if I had not been spoiled I might have just turned the TV off, unable to continue.
He greets Finn and Rachel in the hallway with a weak, defeated voice. "Someone stuffed the ballot boxes." They think he did it, and he faces possible suspension. He has lost everything he's hoped for and worked for all year so far, and everything's basically turned to crap. No Tony. No Presidency. No NYADA. No getting out of Lima. No spinoff. No light, funny comic storylines that might actually earn Colfer an Emmy in what is possibly his last season as a regular on Glee. However, RIB will be happy to provide you with an extra large bucket for all the tears they've been sadistically and repeatedly forcing out of you for horribly contrived reasons. I foresee a new Glee franchise video game, based on the grossly popular "Stick Man Death" websites, except that instead of killing a stick man over and over again, you get a little picture of Kurt and you get to devise new and improved ways to torture him over and over and over and over... and this is now the default Glee template of writing for a boy now often referred to as St. Kurt. His detractors are completely fed up with the pity party and those of us who love him are completely fed up with the abuse, and yet it just keeps coming and coming and coming and he never has any way to defend himself from any of it, nor does he really do anything to deserve it. The only season in which he ever had any personal triumphs was season one, and it's also the only season in which he was ever kind of a real little jerk.
You know what? I am tired of this story. It is not a very effective story. It is not funny, it does not impart any wisdom, it is not going over very well with the audience anymore, it is not fresh and innovative, and it's really not very entertaining. When I heard that Kurt lost the election ahead of time, I was willing to watch and see if they had a compelling reason to smash him in the face over and over like this, but now that I've seen it?
He ends this scene by bursting into tears - again - and running off to find Blaine. Oh, yeah. Blaine. He still has Blaine. That's supposed to make this all OK, right? The fact that somebody as hot and kind and talented as Blaine genuinely loves his poor, dejected, unattractive, unaccomplished, miserable little ass should be all the happiness and sense of worth and value this boy deserves. This writing team is writing Kurt as if he were one of the girls! Because being loved by a man is all most of them appear to base their self-esteem on, including Rachel, which is absolutely appalling.
By the way, Sebastian comes back next week. Enjoy Blaine before he gets taken away from you too, Kurt. No, I'm not bitter. Why?
Finn and Rachel stand together in stunned silence. Then Rachel sets off an absolutely stunning bomb. She is the person who stuffed the ballot boxes. Finn tells her that she has to tell Figgins. Rachel fears that she will be suspended, but then Finn reminds her that Kurt will be suspended if she does not confess.
OK, stay with me here. Let me break this idiocy down for you. Four episodes ago, Rachel was so desperate to have resume fodder she nearly destroyed her friendship with Kurt in order to join the race for class president. That was not admirable, but it was pretty much in character, and she was very much out for herself. Two episodes ago, she was living with that decision and trying to urge Finn to vote for her instead of Kurt. Last episode, she was suddenly so overcome with guilt and loneliness and fear for Kurt's future that she fell on her sword in the most dramatic and public way possible, and now, she's risking her own future and success in order to help him in the worst way possible?
Why can't they just apply to some other schools in New York? Why can't we have comic sequences where they have plastered their walls with college brochures and keep arguing over which one has the best landscape design? Why can't they share their worries about leaving Blaine and Finn behind? Why can't they discuss whether it might be better to go to the Theater School at Ohio University so that they can stay on Glee since the spinoff is probably dead? Why don't they run on a joint ticket and hand out lollipops and sing awesome duets in the cafeteria and squabble over what color their walls are going to be in the apartment they will share? Why does this whole story have to be so damned.... STUPID? And depressing? And so destructive to both of them?
Because they need to contrive a way to keep Rachel from singing at Sectionals. And to explain why these two talented, ambitious, attractive, hard-working, glorious people in a show full of loathsome losers are going to be stuck in Lima next year because Glee can't afford to lose them and it's too late to make them Juniors. The graduation storyline is officially killing Glee's two most compelling characters.
Puck bewilders his math teacher by spitting out the quadratic equation correctly. Apparently, doing accounting for his pool cleaning business has taught him math skills. Yo. Well, it's nice to see that one of these kids is headed in a concrete direction with some attainable goals, even if they aren't as lofty as getting into NYADA. Then he pulls out a cell phone he should not have in class and takes an emergency phone call. Then, he's off to the emergency room like any other dad with an injured child, except that his partner in this scenario is a teacher who should not be leaning for emotional support on a student who is desperately in love with her. Shelby's flipping out because Beth has a bloody lip. Shelby, get a grip. May this be the biggest injury you ever have to deal with in Beth's life, because it won't. The doctor says she just needs a couple of stitches. Puck demands a plastic surgeon, possibly just to show off and be a Dad In Charge in front of Shelby. Betcha he does not know whether or not Shelby's insurance covers the extra expense of a plastic surgeon. Then he starts comforting Shelby, and as I watch them I am once again absolutely certain that he's a 30 year old GED student who works maintenance at the school and hangs around to bang the teachers, because that coupling does not look nearly as absurd as it really should. Puck is both looking and acting like a person who has been an adult for a considerable time. She melts into his arms as if this didn't violate every code of ethics known to teachers, and suddenly we find them in Shelby's bedroom. They are both fully clothed, but as we learned in The First Time, people on Glee make love without taking off a single stitch, and when Puck says he still has four more rounds in him, it's pretty clear that they have just had their First Time. EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW.
And Shelby immediately throws him out on his ass. He left class to help her, he comforted her, and she let him in his bed, and then she tosses him out as if he's the one who has done something wrong. "This was a mistake" she says.
No, Shelby. This was not one mistake. This was a series of very cruel, very selfish, very damaging choices. Letting a student in your house with nobody else there was a choice. Kissing him was a choice. Hanging out with him was a choice. LEADING HIM ON outrageously over the course of several weeks, when you hold the keys to his daughter in your power... that's unforgivable. And then you let him in your bed and treat him like it was somehow his fault? She came to Lima to fix her mistakes, and every time she comes back to Lima, she tears at least one teenager completely to shreds. I think Puck may have gotten it wrong. He told Quinn that she was the most selfish person he'd ever seen in his life, but I think we've just encountered something worse. God, this whole episode has been so full of people making such horrifying choices, and none of them are funny. The only thing that saves this scene is that Puck is angry rather than heartbroken, and well he should be. He thought she was a capable person, a champion, an ass-kicker... and what she really is is a coward. Yes, Noah. Well said. She's also a weak, selfish, impulsive person who plays with other people and then tosses them aside like broken toys. Absolutely reprehensible, but I don't know if the writers realize that. Idina, why did you come back? Are you proud of what they had you do here?
Santana has gone to visit her Abuela, a fussy, busy woman who is very intent on having dinner go as it should. She seems pretty affectionate and concerned about Santana eating well, and for some reason I have a hard time believing she ever called Santana Garbage Face. But Santana does not want to eat. She wants to talk. And she wants Abuela to actually sit down and listen carefully. After a little effort and some words in Spanish, Santana finally sits Grandma down and begins to explain who she really is.
The words chosen here are very eloquent, carefully considered, even beautiful in their phrasing. I will not snark about them, because this is possibly the only well-written scene in the episode. "I love girls... the way I am supposed to feel about boys" she begins, When she's with Brittney, she finally understands what other people say when they say they are in love with somebody. She spent a long time trying to push those feelings away, but her struggles to keep her feelings hidden felt like a war inside her. She does not want to fight anymore. She's just too tired.
The implication in this speech, of course, is that Santana is only mean because she's fighting her sexuality. Does this mean she's suddenly going to be all sweetness and light? If she does, will she cease to be Santana, or cease to give the show the edge that she does? Is this, from the show's perspective, a good decision, declaring that she's only a sharp - tongued harpy because she's in the closet?
Or is it possible that she comes by the whole sharp-toothed harpy thing genetically? Abuela is cold, mean, unflinching in her utter rejection. She wants Santana to leave the house and never, ever come back. It appears that Abuela does not so much mind the idea that Santana likes girls... she just feels that the love that dare not speak its name should have remained silent. And I think that does a pretty good job of explaining why Santana didn't want to come out of the closet and didn't want everybody in Glee Club talking about this forever; Abuela has taught her that the sin is in talking about gay behavior, not in having the feelings or doing the deed. Abuela walks out on her granddaughter, and Santana dissolves in tears.
It appears to me that they allowed everything else in this episode to be slapdash and stupid just to get that one scene right, but I am not sure they did, at that. I read one editorial that suggested this episode would have worked very much better if the coming out to Abuela had been the first thing that happened. Faced with the loss of her beloved Abuela, Santana might have been in genuine crisis, and then all the condescending pity and unwanted advice might have been offered in a context that was not horribly offensive. As it is, this episode spent most of the week building her up, and then sent her crashing down at the end into despair, all their positive words lost.
And on that cheerful note, Puck goes over the Quinn's house to borrow her vagina for some cheap consolation.
Puck and Quinn are getting hot and heavy on the bed when Puck realizes he didn't bring protection. Given that he told Finn only two episodes ago that he's never even used a condom, this is not surprising. However, given that he was in Shelby's bed the last time we saw him, it is pretty damned icky. Quinn says she doesn't care, because she hopes they will get lucky. Again.
Puck asks if she means unlucky, as if they are suddenly sorry Beth exists, but it turns out that Quinn is on to the next strategy for screwing up her life completely. She's ready to go for Beth 2.0. Puck, who recently had a vasectomy that has apparently cured itself on its own, suddenly takes exception to being a sperm factory for her continued insanity. Quinn desperately pants that there are 20 other guys at the school who would kill to love her, and... DAMN. I feel HORRIBLE for Quinn right now. She's a nightmare, and I just want to scoop her up and tell her she's worthwhile, and she's one of the people I could actually discuss God with in terms of unconditional love, and she's breaking my heart more than anything that happened to Santana here. You see, Santana is sad because Abuela has given up on Santana, but Quinn is sad because Quinn has given up on Quinn and she's hoping a baby will validate her and give her something perfect and beautiful in the world.
I wish Kurt and Blaine had sung Perfect to her instead of ungrateful Santana.
To his eternal and amazing credit, Puck gets it when somebody absolutely, positively had to get it. "We all spent a whole week helping Santana with a secret everybody already knows and not one person took ten seconds to help you." Good lord. How unbelievably meta. Puck is actually pointing out the problems with a script on a show he is actually in while the episode is still taking place. He's actually protesting the basic premise of the HHHHoedown; that only grief caused by being gay is cause for concern. Maybe this is actually the best scene in the episode.
"You're a freaking mess. And you have been for three years. Ever since I knocked you up." Ulp. Sh** just got very real here. Of course, here I am almost inclined to tell Puck to stop beating himself up, because you see, he's not the only jackass here who destroyed Quinn. For awhile last year, safe and cozy in the arms of gentle Sam, Quinn showed some signs of recovery. You know who ruined it all for her? Who coaxed her away from Sam, the sweetest character in the history of the show, got her hopes up for Prom Queen, and then dumped her like a lead balloon? Then she got to watch their chances at Nationals go down the toilet as he made out with somebody else. Onstage. During the performance. She went completely over the edge after that.
Dammit, Finn. Everything he touches with his Benevolent Hand of Good Intentions turns to garbage, doesn't it?
Puck says, "You don't need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special. If there's one person that I'm sure is going to get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it's you." And since Quinn is not one of the people who is keeping Glee alive, who is not absolutely essential for Season Four, and who has not been pegged for the now-canceled spinoff.... he's probably right.
They can probably fix Quinn up before the season is over and send her away with hope and a bright future, because she's expendable. She asks Puck to stay with her and just hold her, and he agrees. In return, he offers to tell her a very dangerous secret.
Start spreading the news....
Burt's on his way....
He's gonna be in Congress, Burt Hummel, Congressman.
Sue sourly reads the headline. Special Election: Hummel Wins! Sylvester Sinks and Pizza Man Can't Deliver. Sue Sylvester takes only 16% in a meager third place showing.
Cooter asks Sue how bad it was, and she replies, "Dukakis bad." How many kids watching this show even know who Michael Dukakis was? Who are they writing for? Me? I don't buy downloads on Itunes. I have an Ipod I gave up on a year ago. Cooter's reaction is weird. He doesn't care how Sue feels, or whether she needs to be comforted. He just wants to know if her loss means he is no longer necessary. Idiot, if you can ask the question, why did you leave Shannon? And... oh, look. There she is. Shannon demands to know if they are going to give up the charade. Sue, in a fit of raw passion that startles me, lays it all on the line. She lost the election, her reputation, and a bet.... but it does appear that Sue actually loves certain people. Cooter Menkins is the best thing to happen to her since a sophomore named Becky Jackson waddled into her life. And with Jane's brilliant delivery, this line is almost thrilling. It makes me actually feel something for a woman who wanted to shoot Brittany out of a cannon.
Cooter's a weak little weasel. Why don't you two strong lesbians ditch this two-timing bastard and set up housekeeping with each other? What? Because only the actors are gay and the characters are straight? Well, this is Glee. How long is that going to last? I am calling it now. SueBeiste. Endgame. I kissed a strong, independent woman, and I liked it.
Well, Shannon would rather get down on her knees and beg this two - faced weakling to love her, and she's willing to bench-press a wildebieste to show how much she cares. So this episode about the awesomeness of women artists ends with Bieste grovelling.
In the choir room, Shelby and Will are very pleased with the results of this disgusting bacchanal to overpraise Santana. They think they will go to Sectionals with all the killer instinct and desire to win sucked completely out of them. Just what I'd expect from the ex-coach of Vocal Adreneline.
Kurt gets up to give a speech. I am so concerned for him that I ignore the awful thing he's wearing.
"As the SON of Ohio's recently minted Congressman..." (applause)
"I would like to personally and publicly congratulate President Brittney." There's a unique mix of "Hey, my dad won a REAL election, and you won the Pixie Sticks Poll" and "I am an unbelievably noble class act and I am going to be gracious about this horrifying injustice if it kills me" going on here. Way to be a terrific loser and passive-aggressive at the same time, Kurt. Ah, Kurt. Nobody is a better loser than him. He's had a heartbreaking amount of practice.
"Rule wisely. Rule fabulously" says Kurt, knowing damned well Brittney is completely incapable of either. She's incapable of tying her shoes. She responds to this by going to hug him, and he responds by going as stiff as a board and not physically responding at all, because he just lost an election to somebody with the IQ of a three year old. His voice can say the words and his face can convey them, but his body betrays how angry and broken he is. He doesn't want to be a damned Unicorn, Britt. HE WANTS TO BE PERCEIVED AS MORE VALUABLE THAN SOMEBODY AS STUPID, DISHONEST, AND USELESS AS YOU ARE. And he wants to go to NYADA.
"Don't give up hope" breathes Blaine. "We'll figure something out."
Santana, who has been the subject of adulation, praise, and serenades all week long, will get to end this weeklong tribute to herself by singing a song she has chosen herself. Her grief over Abuela's rejection seems to be forgotten already, and I am reminded that Finn ordered this orgy of pity because he thought she was in crisis, that she might kill herself. However, as I view the painful events of this week, I realize that Santana is not even close to being the person most in danger in New Directions. We have already discussed Quinn, at the absolute end of her rope, who got no songs from the others because she wasn't gay. Apparently Shelby is still pining for Puck, although right now I don't care if she drives off a cliff. But there's a party in the office for new Congressman Hummel, and his demoralized son sits very, very quietly, holding a champagne glass and trying not to cry.
Of course, there are no songs for him this week, either. Even though "Perfect" might have been perfect for him right about now. " Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood! Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated! Look, I'm still around... " No. That song went to Santana, and she rejected it. He needs it right now.
Don't you ever, ever feel that you're less than, less than perfect. But that song is not for him, even though he's a homosexual, because there can only be one annual honoree at the Hug a Hurting Homosexual Hoedown, and his turn was last year. While he continues to get a sadistic barrage of abuse from the writers, hurting Kurt is old hat and nobody cares anymore. Except Blaine, of course, who gently urges him to send an almost completely blank application to NYADA. Blaine's a wonderful boyfriend. He's a terrible guidance counselor. And to the folks who read that application carefully and have been carefully analyzing how old Kurt is and trying to figure out how he got to be older than Puck...
Guys, this pack of writers can't remember that Puck doesn't carry condoms and can't get anybody pregnant anymore anyway. They are not going to honor hastily scribbled information about Kurt's birthday beyond the very first moment that information is actually needed to fill a plot point in Glee.
Meanwhile, Rachel comes down the hall with tears in her eyes. Something terrible has happened. She has told Principal Figgins that she was the person who rigged the elections for Kurt. It is the second time she has fallen on her sword for him in as many episodes, and this time, she's actually lost something that matters over it. It will be on her permanent record, which means NYADA is going to hear about it. She's been suspended from school for a week, which makes me wonder why she was allowed in the choir room, and she cannot compete at Sectionals.
So. There you have it. The reason why Kurt had to lose the election and Rachel had to rig it was so that New Directions would not be able to rely on her against the Troubletones. They have torn two characters absolutely to shreds for a plot point that could have been achieved with a nice case of mono.
The screen goes black, and my mood is even blacker.