Glee Recap 2X22 "New York"

OK, Glee fans!  We are headed into the looooooong hiatus... a seven week hiatus... and everybody's going to get really bored.  So here's what I've done.  I recapped a number of episodes from last season for the Kurtsies, and I am posting them here for the general population.  That should keep us occupied for a little while as we wait with baited breath to find out exactly how many new gay guys are going to join New Directions before they get a new girl of any orientation at all.


The scene pans up on Time Square: the sights, the sounds, the marquees glowing with advertisements about all the wonderful musicals currently being produced. Musicals that include Wicked. Musicals that include Mamma Mia. Musicals that include Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. Musicals that do not include Cats. And as Gershwin flows in the background of the headcanon score that is her life, Rachel takes it all in. Not noticing that Cats is nowhere to be seen. An Ohioan in New York dreaming to an American In Paris.

"I made it" she says. Yes, honey, you successfully got a plane ticket that allowed you to set foot in that square. I got to do that, too. Wait until New Year's Eve. It's amazing how many people make it every year on that night. And how many are on the make, probably. Or just making out.

Kurt has taken this wondrous opportunity to do his best Boris Yeltsin impersonation. He looks like a Russian grandmother as he crows happily about how far they've come in a year and a half. Tina is a captive audience. Sam has actually managed to fall asleep. Sam! Hi, Sam! Miss you, Sam! Come back soon, Sam! Show us your abs again, Sam! Get rid of Shane for us, Sam!

They are all dreaming about the things they want to do in New York. None of these activities appear to involve rehearsing or writing their songs. Finn actually mentions that they have to write two songs. I still can't believe that they did this. Possibly one of the dumbest things Glee has ever done. Actually, about half of the dumbest things Glee has ever done are in this absolutely putrid episode. Yes, I am going to be deliciously mean about it. I love this show, it's been a very bad boy and I am taking it to the woodshed for a spanking. WHAP! What a flipping mess. Saved in part by two people I love dearly working together in epic awesomeness.

Kurt responds to Finn's worries by calling him "Mr. Bossypants", making him one of the naughty people who deserves the spanking New Directions got in this episode. He wants to sing a song. I think that sounds like a very good idea. Why don't they sing some songs? Kurt wants to sing New York, New York? OK. Sing that. Call it rehearsal AND GET READY FOR YOUR SET. Oh, wait, they kind of suck on this. OK, keep trying.

Rachel comes up. To celebrate their impending win at Nationals, she's gotten them all tickets to see Cats. Epic fail gesture born of utter foolishness foretells epic fail result born of utter foolishness, and this was a really bad piece of writing. It would have worked better if Finn, trying to please Rachel, made this loving, grand gesture because he has no clue and has no reason to have a clue. After all wasn't he trying to win her back by then? And how on earth would Finn know that Cats was closed? But that's OK. This whole episode is full of extraordinarily bad writing. Kurt is excited about the Cats tickets, and Quinn knows that Cats closed 11 years ago. I bang my head against the wall. How the heck does QUINN know what Kurt and Rachel have missed? Ugh. Ugh. Somebody needs to introduce Brad to these characters, because I think he's kind of hazy on the details. Maybe he wrote this drunk.

After the buttcrack comment, I think he must have written it on acid.

At the concierge table, Will is signing these kids in. They will be in only two rooms, since they spent all their money this year on Rocky Horror costumes and artificial rain for Gwyneth Paltrow. The lovely little bigot at the counter sweetly informs him that most show choirs separate their groups, not by gender, but by sexual orientation, and You f*%#$ing %**^((^%$, and then Will, whose only attempt ever to give any spotlight of any kind to Kurt was the transvestite Frankenfurter agrees, and (*^%$$&)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, my blood pressure just went up and I've only been at this five minutes. Did I mention that this writing sucked?



Meanwhile Finn, who has spent most of the season treating Rachel like something that got stuck to his shoe, is buzzing around her, his passion restored, hoping for signs  that he can make her hopelessly dependent on his romantic attention again.  Rachel expresses relief that Quinn is not being terribly vindictive about the fact that Finn just dumped her cold.  They don't understand that Quinn is not being vindictive because half her scenes in this episode were cut as short as her hair, and what got left in was completely incomprehensible. 

Puck and Lauren attempt to have drinks at the bar, which is completely understandable when you consider that Puck's thirty years old.  However, Will is being a Responsible Teacher here and won't let them drink.  Unfortunately, he also won't make them rehearse. 

Kurt's eyes are three times their natural size as he examines the room service menu. Steak tartare. Live it up, kid. It's the same price as one of your sweaters. You can recycle an outfit to experience Steak tartare. Write a song about it in your lovely countertenor, because we'd got to get cracking here. At least he lost the hat. Maybe he sold it to pay for the steak tartare. Will informs the kids that THEY are in lockdown until they write the songs they should have written weeks ago, but HE gets to go wandering off, because he's a complete douchebag this entire episode. Yes, he's brought 12 teenagers to New York City and he's going to leave them unchaperoned so he can go running off to visit April. Probably should have been fired for that. The kids all look at him like he's the worst teacher on earth. Well, Sue would be worse. Or maybe Sue would have made them write a song. It would probably be a tribute to her, but at least they would have some focus, and Kurt would have gotten to sing.

Brittney has composed a cute little song about a drinking cup that makes the gang decide they have to break out of their prison and run around the city expecting New York to write their songs for them. I guess Will expected New York to chaperone these kids, so they are no dumber than he is. So they go running around singing a song about New York. And I think, "OK, well, you know, they are singing! They sound pretty good! Everybody gets lines! OK, call this rehearsal and start solidifying your song list! Is this not an original song? Who cares? YOU ARE ACTUALLY WORKING ON SOMETHING. Even if the choreography kind of sucks. They might have trouble getting a fountain inside the auditorium.

I notice that the boys are all chatting in their room, but somebody isn't there, because he's been discriminated against. He's been declared a girl, and can be found in the wrong bedroom lashing out in embarrassment and shame by beating other people with... oh, wait. That's a pillow fight and he's having a great time. Maybe he should write a song about it.

There's a bunch of girls around me and I'm sleeping with them all
I'm not with all the other guys, they are somewhere down the hall
You'd think they'd kill to be in my shoes, but my sex life's at a crawl
You see, I just don't swing that way, there's no action here at all.

And so we have a pillow fight, up all night, pillow fight
No sex romp in my bed tonight, I'll settle for a pillow fight.

In the boys room, there's Man Talk.  Rachel is dating Jesse, but Puck thinks it's time for Finn to reclaim his territory and ask Rachel out, because New York is the city of love, except that it's not because that's supposed to be Paris.  So Finn texts Rachel, who is hard at work attempting to, you know, WRITE A SONG, and asks her to meet him in Central Park.  It is unlikely they will get much productive done.

Matt Morrison sits in a theatre, ignoring his students, and sings an original song so dull I can't even be bothered to pay attention.  This is why he skipped out on his students?  As least I understand why he did not offer to help them write the songs.  

Finn greets Rachel, who is dressed to the nines, with flowers.  Then, as they head towards Sardi's he informs her that it's a perfectly professional work date.  They will write the Nationals songs while they are out.  They could not do this at the hotel?  They had to go to Sardi's?  But of course!  If they hadn't gone to Sardi's, they would not have had the chance to meet Patti LuPone!   Yes, that would be Kurt's idol, not Rachel's but they go up and talk to her anyway.  Patti is awfully kind for a celebrity who has just be bothered by a stranger at dinner, but she tells Rachel never to give up; possibly Rachel reminds Patti of that lovely girl who was in Spring Awakening a few years back. 

Then, as Finchel complete the work date in which they did no work at all. some of the guys of New Directions start apparently serenading them for no good reason. They are probably imaginary, but they sound pretty good. Let's call this rehearsal and get started on that set list. You know, for kids who wasted their entire time in New York, they really did do a lot of good singing that could have been harnessed into something useful by a dedicated mentor, WILL.  When Finn leans in for a kiss, Rachel runs away, and sometimes I think she should have just kept running. 

And then, for a brief minute, it gets good. The girls are all passed out in their beds, and among them, a young man prowls, looking for the perfect woman to share his special moment with. He finds her. He dives onto the bed beside her, and every Hummelberry heart in the world skips a beat as Kurt and Rachel lie on the same bed for a moment. Of course, my heart skipped a beat when I saw his hair, which was impossible for that early in the morning, but hey, nothing else in this episode made any sense. Kurt wants to take Rachel out for Breakfast at Tiffany's, and it suddenly occurs to me how much better he understands her than Finn does. At this point, Rachel gives the speech that is actually the most important scene in the episode, because we've all been living under the shadow it cast over the entire third season. After they graduate next year, Rachel wants to come back to New York and go to college there. Kurt wants to go as well. Apparently, he thinks Blaine is also on board, because apparently he doesn't know how old Blaine is yet. Finn can move furniture, maybe. And with that, the die is cast. These kids are going to be forced to graduate earlier than was necessary, because Murphy is a damned fool. We were all so excited at the idea at first, and now it feels like the execution date looms over everything they do, especially Kurt, who has been on a collision course with failure and disillusion ever since.

Kurt thinks Rachel may have to make a choice between love and career, and in a move that I am sure Finn appreciates greatly, he offers her some inspiration: Guylinda escorts his dear Elpheberry to the theatre that is showing Wicked, and declares they need to get inside. They break in - we don't see quite how, it could have been a great comic action sequence - and Rachel is squeaking about how much trouble they will get in when the Coolest. Usher. Ever. Stops them. He sees right through their thin little lies immediately, and gives them fifteen minutes to sing on a real broadway stage.

Lea Michele has sung on a real Broadway stage, but Chris Colfer of Clovis, California thanks you, oh Coolest. Usher. Ever. And then Hummelberry are up on this stage. Kurt wants Rachel to visualize what she would give up to stay in Lima with Finn. He walks her through the moment as he holds her close to him (my heart is just about exploding about now) and their joint imagination creates the lighting for the Wicked song, "For Good."

It's the best moment in the show. It's the best song they did the entire episode, one of the best they did all year, and it's all Rachel singing with the boy who is actually her best male duet partner in a glorious bookend to their very first duet, "Defying Gravity." The rivals who could not stand each other are now devoted friends planning their lives together in a platonic love song that knocks every romantic duet Finchel ever did completely hollow and the whole thing is mesmerizing and beautiful beyond belief. For one brief moment, this episode is wonderful, and I wish it could go on like this For Good.

They should have called this rehearsal. If they had sung this at Nationals, they would have won the damned thing. Forget the original songs. Do good stuff with good singers. Like this. God, I love Hummelberry. I will miss them so much when they go. As the duet ends, Rachel thanks Kurt for showing her that she must find her way back to New York, no matter what. This is where she belongs.

And if they get stuck in Lima because that spinoff failed, this beautiful scene, the only thing in this episode truly worth watching, is going to be incredibly painful to watch.

Quinn finally reveals her diabolical scheme to get back at Finchel for breaking her heart.  She's going to tattle.  Yep.  If Will knows that Kurt and Rachel slipped out, he will be FORCED to get them suspended, and New Directions can't compete.  Of course, if somebody were to tell the administration that WILL slipped out, he'd get fired.  So I suspect Will might just let this one slide.  At any rate, Santana tells her to get over herself, and Quinn reveals that she knows Santana is gay.


Dustin Goolsby shows up to wish Will luck - not New Directions.  He is wishing Will luck with his stage career on Broadway.  As it so happens, Dustin hates working with kids, since their youthful enthusiasm reminds him that he is himself a bitter failure.  But Will isn't like Dustin!  He LOVES his kids!  He's completely devoted to them!  He's left them alone for days!  Maybe he'd better get back and talk to them!

When Will arrives at the hotel, he finds them already waiting for him.  The kids all think Will is leaving them to be on Broadway. He's not. Next. Kurt is wearing a tail. Now I want to know if he's ever been to a Furry Convention. Kurt actually supports the idea of Will going to Broadway, which is in character for him. And it's nice that he's so much more supportive of Will than Will has ever been of him. And now that Will's wasted an entire day daydreaming on the stage, he's cracking the whip for them to start getting ready for Nationals. I think about how they wanted New York to inspire them, and since New York actually has inspired them to sing two good songs and one glorious one, I think they should practice the songs they've already been working on, but noooooooooooo....

The next day, Will informs his kids that they have a really good shot of winning this thing with a setlist made up of original songs they wrote, rehearsed, choreographed, in a single afternoon. Jesse has informed them that Vocal Adreneline has been rehearsing around the clock for weeks, and these idiots think they can knock it out in a single afternoon. Did I mention that this script sucked?

A girl show choir performs.

Goolsby and Will argue. Goolsby knows New Directions is toast. Will's an idiot.

Rachel apologizes to Sunshine for sending her to a crack house and gives her a pep talk. I am reminded that Charice cannot act. I am also reminded that Murphy does not understand how important acting skill is to the success of this show. Vocal Adreneline kills it on the way to their second place finish.

Finn begs Rachel to love him again right before their big duet. She says she needs to focus on her career. So with that little bit of heartache hanging in the breeze, they begin singing their awful original duet that should have been replaced by For Good because:

1. It's a better song
2. Rachel's partner on For Good is a better singer
3. Kurt would not have ended a For Good duet by making out with Rachel on the stage, although if he did, the internet would certainly explode in cascades of titillation, outrage, cheers, heartbreak, anger, euphoria, confusion and tumblr gifs reblogged ten thousand times.

Oh, that's right. Finchel kiss. And kiss. And kiss. And kiss. They kiss longer than they sang. And when that's over, the entire New Directions group begins to sing. The very first thing that happens is that Santana gets a solo and I suddenly remember that she got to sing at Regionals as well, so really, her whole Troubletones thing this year because she can't get a solo was a bunch of bullhooney, wasn't it? Artie gets to sing, Brittney gets some lines, Finn chimes in, Tina gets her turn, I think Quinn got a line...

Did they leave anybody out? Gee. I think they might have. Can't quite put my finger on it. Is there somebody... who has been completely shafted in competition with New Directions? Did they go on and on and on about they couldn't go to Nationals without him, and then they don't let him sing when he gets there? Again? Oh, yeah, it's the kid who didn't get to sing in West Side Story, either. Honestly, is there a strategy to this? How many Emmy nominations does Chris have to get before they stop doing this to Kurt?

Jesse tells them the kiss was unprofessional. Well, buddy, there was a lot of unprofessional stuff going on, and you don't know the half of it. And no, it wasn't the superman of kisses that came with its own cape, Finn. There was a superman of kisses in a competition episode last year - a kiss that had some genuine social power and helped change the world a little bit, but it wasn't yours, and it wasn't at Nationals, and it wasn't in front of a huge audience. And they were both boys. Speaking of that other kiss, one of the participants in that moment of television history comes skittering down the hall, excitedly announcing the Top Ten groups. Dear god, but our boy's voice gets high when he is excited. He could hire himself out as a dog whistle.

And we learn, in dramatic slo-mo, that New Directions didn't make it. Gee. Imagine that. And no, let's not blame the kiss by itself. That was a scapegoat.

Back in Lima, Kurt's explaining it all to Blaine, so that the Klainers have something to hold onto during the summer. He narrates the Agony of Defeat for New Directions - Jesse's snotty behavior, Santana's screeching tantrum in very bad Spanish, the silent plane ride home.

Blaine notices that Kurt is not that sad about the situation. He flew in a plane for the first time in his life, since apparently the Cheerios traveled to 2009 Nationals by being individually blasted out of really powerful cannons. He had Breakfast at Tiffany's and sang on a Broadway stage, and enjoyed himself. Treasure it, sweetie, because it may not happen again for you the way this season is going. Blaine, tenderly impressed by his positive outlook, says "I love you" and Kurt gets stuck with a mouthful of coffee in the middle of a personal miracle that requires response. He pauses to swallow in a gesture that literally had us ARGUING for MONTHS as to whether or not he'd suddenly fallen mysteriously out of love with Blaine, and then says "I love you too" kind of too quickly. And we ARGUED for MONTHS about whether he meant it. FOR MONTHS. Until we learned that yes, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and an I Love You means I Love You, not "Despite our consistently tender behavior before this moment and the gentleness of our words, we are about to break up for no particular reason". Maybe he'd just found out Blaine was a sophomore and would not be going to New York with him and Rachel. And then he says, "Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year." Well, yeah. Except for the whole getting the crap beaten out of him, and getting sexually assaulted, and having to leave because of death threats, and pining in loneliness for months, and losing Regionals, and getting humiliated by the title of Prom Queen. Yeah, your bar is low, sweetie. You deserve better than this.

Fortunately, Mercedes and Sam arrive to hide their romance badly, and we all get excited about Samcedes, and then Chord gets fired, because this summer was a complete trainwreck.

And actually, so was this episode, mostly, but I got all the way through it!