Unanimous sits and waits for the obvious. Dayana is going. Everybody knows it's long since past time. No suspense to it. They look up.... and see Lisa Lampenelli. She is...
The implication is clear. Not only did Dayana go, but Clay went as well. I loved this joke so much. It was just so nice to see that Clay's (bogus) elimination could be regarded as such a shocking, horrifying, jaw-dropping disaster for all involved. It is so clear how well he is regarded. Teresa looks like she's in a trance, Aubrey's actually stopped talking nonstop about herself, and oh.... poor Arsenio! He looked like he was ready to cry, or throw something.... so of course, when our favorite little smartass strolls into the room looking ever so fine and ever so not-fired, Arsenio does indeed throw something at him out of pure joy. The CHEERING! Folks, the CHEERING that he was safe!
I think we picked the right horse, ya'll. I think he may be turning out to be every inch as competitive on this show as he was on Idol. Oh, and he made $300,000 on Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Clay seems to excel at everything he does everywhere he allows us to see.
Lisa sings a few choruses of "Ding Dong, the Dumb Bitch is Dead". See ya, see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya. How mature we are today! Be careful how you sing that, Lisa. That kind of comment has a strange way of kicking you in your substantial rear end.
And of course, Lisa needs somebody new to pick on, so she goes on to the next woman who is weaker willed than she is - Teresa. Teresa thinks she's up to deal with the bullying. She is not.
Trump's going to milk the Dayana drama for all it's worth, of course, as they convene to start the next task he asks Lisa how she feels about losing Dayana. Perhaps he wants to hear a few more choruses of Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. Lisa says she's fine with it, and the team of two will be less beautiful (Clay pretends to get his feelings hurt) but just as effective. Yes, I am sure Lisa is just fine with losing Dayana. I think the word we are looking for may be "ecstatic."
The Hurst Corporation, which is another one of the greatly important fabulous stupendous amazing powerful groups I've never heard of, has a magazine called "Elle." Hey... didn't they do a cover story on Clay back in 2003....? Achin' for Aiken.... how the time flies. Anyhow, the chief executive for Elle is there, and on the other side of Trump is this tiny little man named Faruk who apparently created a hair dryer. He's got a new hair dryer called the Chi Touch Screen Hair Dryer. He wants them to make a four page advertisement for it. Lisa sings another verse of Ding Dong the Witch is dead, because they don't have to carry Dayana but Unanimous has to carry Teresa. You
know, if a reality show is able to have two very weak players in the final six, it's got a real fatal problem with it somewhere. Lisa will lead Clay; Teresa will try to lead her team and get constantly mistaken for the janitor.
Winning Project Manager gets $50,000. No, let's make it $100,000, just to make it interesting. By the way, Faruk, isn't American girl Aubrey very very pretty? Faruk agrees. Very, very pretty. Oh, goody, something new to puff up her ego. Is that your real color? Yes, ugly troll doll red is her real hair color, sure. Is this naturally blonde girl capable of telling the truth about anything when a flattering lie will do just as well? Why does Faruk creep me out? It looks like he's leering at her and I am not comfortable with it. She may be. She's just that egotistical, and that slutty, too.
Unanimous is beginning to work on their presentation when the executives arrive to discuss the campaign with them Faruk is wearing some absolutely awful, tacky boots to go with Aubrey's awful, tacky hair. I wish them an awful, tacky wedding in a foreign country far, far away from us.
We get shots of Faruk, who is a lot less creepy to me when he stops leering at Aubrey and starts working, explaining to both teams why his hair dryer is the best, and I get the strong idea that it's because it's quiet. The teams have to come up with a presentation that pleases both Faruk and the woman from Elle. Oh, and by the way, Elle is never vulgar. Clay throws up his hands in mock surrender. Never vulgar? With Lisa in charge? Well, Forte's done! Faruk flirts with Aubrey some more, and this goes on so long Arsenio begins to wonder if Faruk is married and what his angle is. I love his analysis of Aubrey's charm: "If she wasn't such a bitch, I'd be into Aubrey. But we have a different relationship." When the execs get up to leave, everybody shakes hands. Well, except for Aubrey and Faruk. They hug and kiss. I need to go wash my eyes.
Once Faruk is gone, Aubrey informs her project manager of what the concept for the presentation will be. They are going to go with zen meditation. As usual, Aubrey forces her ideas down everybody else's throat and doesn't let them get a word in edgewise so she can tell the camera about how she's the only person who does not suck. Futurisic poses, futuristic lighting.... Oooom.
Lisa informs the camera that she's got a knife poised at Clay's back, looking for the slightest mistake. God, she's a lovely person. Then, the woman who spent months hating Dayana Mendoza largely because she was beautiful decides to do an ad based on the concept that the these women in the ads are deeper people than their image suggests. Pretty women can also be deep and smart. I can't believe she's saying this. Clay is concerned that the concept is too cerebral for an advertisement about a hair dryer. However, he runs with this and they decide to feature women with different personalities.
The two project managers will negotiate for the models, represented in head shots. Unanimous wants the redheaded model, because Faruk is so infatuated with Aubrey. They also choose a guy with long, curly locks. These are the two they really want. Aubrey sternly orders Teresa not to let Forte get the people Unanimous wants. Forte, on the other hand, don't really care which models they get... as long as Lisa gets to screw with Teresa's head out of sheer spite.
Teresa begins, first crack out of the box, by telling Lisa what she wants. This gives Lisa all the leverage, so she decides it's time to make Teresa dance. You want the red head? I want all the other people you want. Dance, Teresa, dance!
"That's not fair!" squeaks Teresa, who knows she's getting screwed but not how to stop it. She runs back to Aubrey for help, but it's obvious to Arsenio that she's going to get manipulated and he can't stop it. The funniest part of this whole scene is watching Clay and Arsenio both listening in on their side of the doors. Clay's about to lose it, he's laughing so hard, because Lisa's got Teresa trying desperately to negotiate for a red head Forte does not really want, but Lisa tells her the red head is Clay's pick, so she gets stuck agreeing to take models she does not want. Lisa the Christian, god-fearing woman is going to get struck by lightning for her generosity here; she ends the negotiation by saying that "Alice" gets ripped up if Teresa does not capitulate to her demands. Teresa must take two men. Unanimous does not want two men.
Teresa will not be sending Lisa Christmas cards.
When Don arrives, Aubrey throws a fit about the fact that Unanimous got stuck with two male models, and Don wants to know how Teresa got manipulated into accepting this situation. Don explains that this is enough to send Teresa home. Then, once again, as they discuss the concept, Aubrey keeps usurping the questions that are going to Teresa. She is once again taking over the task.
Forte invites in the four young female models they chose, and explains the parts they will be playing. Lisa goes shopping for clothes for the models, and she takes a model with her to keep her from screwing up and choosing the wrong clothes. She tells the model that she does not want to get yelled at by Clay. Clay is scary, ya'll. Yep, don't want him to yell.
As Unanimous heads out in another van ride, Aubrey discusses the models on the phone and works to replace the short haired male. She bitches about the models Teresa got stuck with as if she'd deliberately gone out of her way to give Aubrey problems. I personally think they should have spent more time figuring out how to make what they had work and less time hating on Teresa. Teresa can't stop hating on Lisa. Too much hate in that car for an advertising campaign based on meditation and zen.
Clay arrives with the models and tries to get them set up for their photo session, but Lisa is not there. Everybody wants Clay to make decisions for which he has no information. He fakes knowledge and does his best.
Arsenio has some fun hanging out with the photographers. He's got some expertise in this skill; that ends up being important later. The women are choosing shots and... remember that crucial redhead that caused such controversy and strife? Yes, well, screw her, because Aubrey has decided to play that part instead so that she can give Faruk another reason to leer. Aubrey's not afraid to take risks, no sir, she has absolutely no trouble seizing any possible opportunity to be the center of attention, always. By the way, Alice... you're fired. Alice is not happy. Teresa pretends that it's somehow Alice's fault. God, these people. "We don't want blonde hair! We want red hair!' We don't want real red hair, We want fake red hair that looks like it came out of a crayon box! Meanwhile, some guy asks Arsenio if he's in charge. Teresa does not really have control of the project.
Lisa's still off shopping, and they are running low on time, so Clay gets some pictures of the hair dryer taken. Once Lisa arrives with the clothes, Clay gets the models dressed while Lisa stuffs her face, and he directs the shoot. He kind of enjoys the new perspective, but... uh, Lisa... yoo hoo, Lisa...
Lisa explains the ad concept to Don. Don is concerned that the concept is too cerebral for an advertisement about a hair dryer. I think I said that already. Oh, wait, that was Clay.
Back at Unanimous... Aubrey has decided to run around topless. Now she's just being obnoxious and awful for the hell of it. No explanation why. Teresa's disgusted. Really, Aubrey should have been fired for that behavior. She certainly would have been at any real place of business. The models get photographed in yoga positions. Teresa looks at the photos, thinks they are pretty, and believes this makes her an expert. Aubrey gets ready for her closeup, Mr. DeMille, and... I am not going to lie. She really looked amazing. She was a wonderful hair model. And she proceeded to tell us this repeatedly Aubrey loves Aubrey and thinks Aubrey is so amazing. Teresa, realizing that Aubrey has just scored here, starts looking for angles to use in order to throw Arsenio under the bus.
Morning... It's time for Unanimous' presentation, so Aubrey gets another chance to flirt with her new sugar daddy. Arsenio, meanwhile, worries that Teresa will not do a good job on her presentation. And the reason why is because... she's awful. She stammers and stutters and looks very stiff and awkward. It's almost as bad as when the worst kid in class had to read aloud back in high school. Aubrey moves in next and begins speaking with much more confidence. She also shows her sugar daddy the picture of herself. You like that one, Faruk? Huh? Huh? We see a gorgeous array of photos... and it's not real clear what the product is. Yes, a hair dryer happens to be in each picture, but really, I thought it could have been a shampoo ad. Arsenio did a better job talking about how quiet the hair dryer is.
After the presentation, Aubrey reminds us how she's the most wonderful person in the world and how she's the only person who did anything. Rinse, lather, rinse, repeat. Aubrey came up with the concept, made all the decisions, wrote the presentation, ran everything, so if the executives don't like it, Teresa should go home for creating an ad they did not like.
Next, Clay and Lisa go in to explain a concept in which they suggest that the hair dryer, like a pretty girl, has more to it than meets the eye. "More than just a new pretty face." We see less impressive pictures of women in fairly drab clothes, but guess what.... I can tell they are advertising a hair dryer! The written information telling the story of each character helps. The ad also mentions the technological innovations of the hair dryer.
Now the execs get to discuss the presentations. Faruk may have had eyes for Aubrey, but when it comes time to evaluate her work, he snaps his head out of the gutter and back to business. Her ads lack information about the dryer. The Unanimous photos are better, however, than Forte's. Also, Teresa's presentation was awful.
Forte - good presentation, and they actually discussed the hair dryer. But oh, the clothes were awful!
In the Board Room, Trump begins by cornering Teresa: Lisa outsmarted her in negotiations for the models. Teresa attacks Lisa personally for making her look foolish, and Lisa crows about how easy it was to dupe Teresa. Lisa feels Teresa does not deserve to be in the Final Two.... and ultimately, that's what the Board Room is about. There are a few minutes of discussion about how bad the clothes were for Forte's display, but Clay wisely nails it: you can't tell that Unanimous is trying to sell a hair dryer.
Forte wins the challenge. Teresa makes a valiant last stand, as she declares that Arsenio did not do anything. However, it's not true; Arsenio, the photographer, took several photos of the actual hair dryer, and he oversaw the photographic lighting. Teresa likes looking at pretty pictures, but Arsenio actually has photographic skills. Teresa goes home.
Arsenio and Aubrey try to pretend Aubrey got fired. That joke does not work twice. So they are the final four. They've accomplished something pretty awesome. So that means the celebrities get to chill for a few minutes, right? Right? WRONG!
Mr. Trump would like to see you in the Board Room, suckers. OK, so you are the best of the best. The best of a huge cast of 18. There are no really terrible players left. A couple of terrible human beings, yes, but no terrible players. Now you are going to be
Funny how nobody wanted to chat while they waited. They looked like people in a hospital waiting room, unsure if the patient would pull through. So much for enjoying the Final Four. Not even one glass of champagne, or even a Crystal Lite Mock-tini.
Lisa: I want to win!
Clay: I want to win!
Lisa and Aubrey are called back for the firing squad.
Aubrey: I want to win!
Arsenio appears to have no comment.
Before the interviews start. John Rich has an enormous chip on his shoulders because folks think country guys are stupid. After winning Celebrity Apprentice, everybody now knows he's an unreasonable hard ass.
Marlee had a great fundraiser, and John sang for it. OK, they are playing good cop/bad cop. Trump asks them how they like the contestants, which I think is funny because based on the questions John ends up asking, I don't see how he could possibly have been watching the season at all. This season's crop did not raise as much money, because they did not have as many fund raising tasks.
Marlee interviews Aubrey. First Aubrey explains why she should win Celebrity Apprentice - which is OK, that's one time when it's completely appropriate to brag - and then goes on at length about her extensive fundraising efforts with Fidel Castro, Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Llama, and I'm sure she threw Mother Teresa in there somewhere, even thought she's been dead for fifteen years. And when she's elected Celebrity Apprentice, Aubrey will dedicate her entire life to touring every single school in the entire world and she will personally hug every single bullied child and take them out to lunch.
Marlee says, in the nicest way possible, "BullBLEEP!"
John interviews Aubrey. Since John has obviously not watched this season of Celebrity Apprentice, he does not know that it is not possible to raise millions of dollars this year because Trump did not have many fundraising events. John does note that Aubrey's old boss Diddy won't even speak to m Aubrey, much less give her money. A sign that Aubrey does not play well with others... Oh and Aubrey has never been manipulative or conniving, no sir. Now we are all saying, in the nicest way possible, "BullBLEEP!" John knows she's lying like a rug and tells Trump.
Marlee interviews Clay. Some friendly banter acknowledges that she cannot hear him sing. Clay tells her about his charity, and how much it means to him, and he actually sounds genuine. This is actually something he cares about. Marlee wonders if he's playing too safely. Clay responds that he made the Final Four without running completely roughshod over everybody in his path. (It's not really true that he made no enemies at all, unfortunately.)
John interviews Clay. Yes, Clay has performed very, very much better than anybody expected. Again. Surprising people who underestimate Clay Aiken seems to be his personal life story.
Everybody remember this moment?
Is he willing to get tough now? Second place SUCKS! Yes, John. We know. Believe us, we know. Clay knows. That is the cloud that hangs over his head even now. John also thinks he's played it safe, because in 13 tasks he's only been project manager twice. This is the moment in which I knew John had not done his research; nobody else was project manager more often that that. Yes, John was, last year, but John was competing against fewer people. It's not a valid critique, and I firmly believe Trump knows that. However, John does corner Clay in a no-win argument. If he says he has shown the best he has, he looks bad, and if he says he has more in the tank, he also looks bad. Clay does end the interview by declaring that he will win.
John interviews Arsenio. How is he going to win? How much money did he raise? Once again, John compares fundraising apples and fundraising oranges. Also, he doesn't look tired.
Marlee interviews Arsenio: Arsenio discusses his charity. And now... Arsenio... tell me how you got along with Aubrey.... Oh, yeah, there was that one fight. Arsenio is sorry. He owns it. Marlee is glad that he apologized.
John interviews Lisa. We established that Lisa is the toughest person in the Final Four.
Marlee interviews Lisa. We establish that Lisa is tempermental and emotional... no, actually, she's a weepy, screechy, verbally abusive nightmare. Is it really appropriate to cry in the Board Room? Well, all the other women did! No, no... Marlee points out that you can't cry and be called a leader.
And now... the Board Room again. Trump's about to fire two people. Who will be first?
Trump asks each one how they liked the interviews, but this is getting tedious and extremely repetitive. I will cut to the chase. There is no crying in baseball or board rooms. It is not acceptable to scream and cry if you want to have professional status and presence.
Lisa Lampenelli is fired.
"Ding Dong, the Bitch is Dead". See ya, see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya. How mature we are today! That kind of comment just kicked her in her substantial rear end!
Next week: another one goes home in the first ten minutes. If we pay very close attention to the conclusions they reached after the interviews, I think we will know who it was. One of them made an entirely negative impression, and I am certain that's where the game was won and lost.