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Celebrity Apprentice Recap.
And Then There Were Two.
Clay Aiken and Arsenio Hall are the Finalists for Celebrity Apprentice.
Let's celebrate with a song!
The Video - Clay in the Final Three of American Idol, back in 2003. Unchained Melody.
We never thought we'd get another week like this guys, when he was in the Final Two of a big show like this, and I am going to pull out all the stops and enjoy it. The recap is going to be longer, it's going to be more detailed, and it's going to take longer to write, because this may be the week we've all been waiting for for a very long time. This calls for daily blogs and a video each time.
A finale like this...
Against a good friend like that...
Clay and a bald black guy, and it's all coming back to me...
It's all coming back, it's coming back to me now...
There are moments of panic
And there will be wonderful songs
There were things we thought we'd never do again
But it turns out we were wrong
And it's been an endless pleasure
To recap this Clay-filled season for you all...
Can't they get a TV show together? Dude, Glee may have started this blog, but Clay made this blog, and Glee's going on hiatus. I need Arsenio and Clay to have a buddy comedy, or something. A singing buddy comedy with guest stars who drop off big fundraising checks for charity.
Oops, did I spoil the Final Two? Oops. Well, shall we relive every single delicious second of that wonderful decision? Let us return to the Board Room, where Trump is intoning in the most serious and sincere Trump voice possible... "There are no losers here." Nope, no losers, just somebody who got fired. Like, repeatedly, on different reality shows... for being absolutely impossible to deal with.
We started out with eighteen people, some of whom who were talented, some of whom who were pretty, some of whom were related to dangerous people, and one who is very effective at tossing tables. Now we've got Clay, Ugly Troll Doll, and Ruben Redux, meaning no disrespect to either man, but isn't that STRANGE?
So, Clay, give me some filler so this thing will last two hours and make our recapper fall asleep at the keyboard... why should YOU be in the Finals?
Because I'm the best teammate ever and I win all the time, Trump. Also because I was one half of the biggest American Idol final ever, and aren't you just dying to recreate this? Why don't you change history while you're at, Donny? Er, Mr. Trump!
Why did John Rich think you were a follower and not a leader?
Because I'm gay and he's a country and western singer, Mr. Trump. Also because he didn't actually watch the show and doesn't know how many PM slots there were to go around. But damn! I REALLY should have been in charge of that jingle...
So, Aubrey, why should I bring you into the final?
Because I am the best and the strongest and the ultimate underdog and I was responsible for every creative for both teams every week and nobody else ever did anything because I am the only talented person in the universe and I simply cannot shut up.
Nope, you sure can't. Arsenio, can we browbeat you one more time about the time you cursed out the Ugly Troll Doll who Won't Stop Praising Herself?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... (grovel, grovel, throw dust on head.)
Yeah, I hate it when people do that. It makes me want to screw with your head just a little bit more.
I'm sorry I was sorry but I was sorry because using sorry language, even against a sorry, manipulative Troll Doll like her makes for really raunchy reality TV and you loved every sorry minute of it, and now I'm groveling again, please stop this. But she really is absolutely impossible to deal with. Diddy knew it. Do like Diddy do, I'm begging you.
So now that I've made you grovel on National Television to this Ugly Troll Doll one more unbearable time, tell me why I should choose you and not her to be in the Final Two with Clay? Because Clay's totally going. We've known this for months, and it made this very much less nerve-wracking for our recapper, who never had to wonder what the hell she was going to do if Clay got
Because I am even better at kissing butt than I am at groveling, Mr. Trump. And because I'M NOT AUBREY. It will be a National Day of Celebration if you axe this witch.
Hey, Aubrey. John Rich and Marlee Matlin think you are manipulative and full of crap. They are absolutely right.
Not me! I'm honest and wonderful and I didn't understand what the heck you just said so I am going to blather about hoping to never develop and I am beginning to talk really, really fast because I just realized how much trouble I am in and I don't even make any sense anymore.
Clay just looks at her like she's going insane.
Oh, Aubrey. You are SO pretty, and I like looking at pretty women, and these two don't qualify, and I'm sure you'll have a fantastic career if you can ever find a boss who can stand you after three months, but Aubrey...
OK, Clay. Try not to grin. I see those corners going up a little. Keep a lid on it. Always the Southern Gentleman. Gee, this isn't the same as losing Kimberly Locke, is it? Was that really the same person? It seems so long ago.
The Ugly Troll Doll walks her Green Mile, fake smile glued ever so transparently to her plastic little face as her voice-over shrieks with rage. I'm not transparent! BLEEP YOU! I'm loud, hateful, disrespectful, obnoxious, arrogant, and conceited, and everybody who meets me is intimidated, annoyed, or in love! I'm not transparent. I'm manipulative and full of crap. What do you mean, that's what John and Marlee meant? FAKE SMOOCHES! BLEEP YOU!
Hey, guys. You can grin now. Clay's like... OK, OK... I got another shot at this. I got another shot at this... I'm like Boston Rob, I get to be on reality shows until I get it right... let's get this right... Yeah, Arsenio, it's deja vu.
Gotta love Arsenio. The moment he realized he was Ruben Redux, he nearly collapsed with laughter. No, you aren't that heavy, man, but you certainly are that bald. Clay thinks this is harder than American Idol.. but he's going to win this one. Damn straight. Trump's going to have to give Clay this one just to keep the Clay Nation from breaking twitter with protests. We get militant, ya'll.
All, right, Final Two. We will meet at Lincoln Center, where it all began, and I am going to do my best to dream up something that will end in heart attacks for both of you. It's going to be very hard, and the winner is going to be the happiest person in the entire world until the American Idol Finale three days later. And the loser is going to be very proud, but if it's Clay, he might suggest to Arsenio that they team up for Celebrity Amazing Race, because DAMN, he's got to win sometime.
Arsenio: Can I kiss butt just one more time?
And as they head out the door together, arm in arm, Clay Thirtysomething and Ruben 2.0, Arsenio leans over to Clay and says those five little words: "I'm getting in your ass."
Ah, from kissing butt to...
Clay tenderly replies, "You might want to rephrase that." and Arsenio collapses with laughter again. OK, one of two things just happened here, and either one is awesome. Either Arsenio really, completely and totally forgot that Clay is gay, because it's really THAT unimportant... or they need to get a room. Either way, I approve.
Part Two: The Teams
Part Three, Team Clay, Team Arsenio
Part Four: Suspicious Mind, Trusting Mind