Well, I haven't been funny in awhile and I find the need to snark. Back to Glee, and one of those episodes that I enjoyed while going nearly insane over the writing flaws.
I always love it when they start an episode with Jacob in my face, close enough to count his blackheads. Fortunately, the camera he's using to create his little newscast is so fuzzy we can barely even make out his humongous nose. The first person he accosts is Puck, who assures him that he and Lauren will win the title of Prom Queen and King over Finn and Quinn through intimidation and fear. This assertion, in a school with a zero tolerance policy on violence. Uh huh. I think I know why nobody voted for them. Then Jacob asks Puck where Lauren keeps his balls, which many of us on the message boards wanted to know as well when this episode first came out, and Puck threatens to... but does not actually... commit bodily harm against this little parasite. That's about right.
Figgins escorts Will and Sue into his office and grimly intones that there is a problem. That gives Sue the opportunity to get in some expository dialogue about how Will is going to spend the rest of the season completely unfocused as he dreams of Broadway glory. At this point, I would very much wish Broadway glory on Matthew Morrison - Will would stop tying down the show and the show would stop tying down Matt, who has not been showcased correctly in a very long time. But Figgins does not care about this. He's in an uproar because this pathetic little prom is so small potatoes even Air Supply won't play for them. Figgins wants New Directions to sing for the Prom. Sue objects because she fears the screeching of the Glee Club will inspire kids to spike the punch. (Since when do kids need a trauma to make them spike punch?) Will objects because he and the Glee Club are all very hard not at work not writing their songs, not rehearsing, and not preparing for Nationals. Figgins offers them the pittance he was going to give Air Supply to come out of retirement. Sue then goes tediously meta as she pulls out a list of all the worst work that New Directions has ever done on the show; apparently, RIB feel they can make up for their mistakes by making fun of them later. Her first victim is Run, Joey, Run, and I kind of agree with her, except that that song was so bad it was good. Will is over it by the time Sue gets to Crazy in Love and excuses himself.
Lauren cannot find a prom dress that fits, probably because she is not going to the right stores. She's ready to make her own dress. Santana is almost tactful and caring as she gently explains why this idea seriously sucks. I weep that these kids think Prom is the most important night of their lives, surpassing your wedding, but I also understand that kids might be dumb enough to think this. Mercedes grumbles that she has no date, with bling around her neck proclaiming her arrogant fabulousness to the world.
Will announces that the theme this week is Prom because they are the Prom. Rachel wants to sing Run Joey Run just to piss Sue off. Will assures everybody that they will stagger the performances so everybody gets time to dance with their dates, and this news is enough to drive Mercedes to despair and out of the room. Brittney cheerfully offers her alternative strategy - she will go alone, and dance with everybody, and be healthy and happy and secure by herself. This is Guru Brittany in da house today. Kurt, who has remembered, suddenly, that he used to be friends with Mercedes, wants to go comfort her, but Rachel goes instead because she doesn't have a penis. Mercedes tells Rachel in the hallway that she does not need a man; she just wants the event: the dress, the dance, the corsage. She wants somebody to grab her hand and ask her to dance. Rachel suggests that they go stag together, because she has a plan.
Klaine is at Breadsticks, during one of their very few, carefully allotted Sanctioned Moments of PDA. They get to HOLD HANDS...(sob) as Kurt asks Blaine Warbler to go to the Prom with him as his date. Yes, he's been back at the school that drove him away for being gay less than a month and he's decided it's the perfect time to show off his boyfriend to the world. Of course, Kurt also wants the event: the dance, the
corsage, er, boutonniere, and the
dress, er, totally manly and completely authentic kilt. Blaine, who is aware of the lurking danger that Kurt ignores, hesitates. Yes, he wants to go to Prom with Kurt. No, he does not want to get the crap beaten out of him for doing it. Apparently he has seen Queer Like Folk. No, it's more than that. In a ham-fisted attempt to give Blaine a backstory by telling rather than showing, RIB have Blaine relate his experiences as a Sadie Hawkins dance that must have happened his Freshman year. He asked the only other gay kid he knew to the dance, and some thugs beat them up. I presume this is why he transferred to Dalton.
Kurt, who has blinders on about some things, misses the whole part of this monologue where Blaine is scared to death that he's going to get attacked again. Apparently Blaine has very little faith in the McKinley Zero Tolerance Policy. Still, he serenaded Kurt in the quadrangle the day Kurt left Dalton, so I guess he has certain sore spots and certain OK spots. No, Kurt thinks that this is a great opportunity for Blaine to face up to the bullies at Kurt's school, without asking if Blaine is even remotely interested in doing anything of the sort. Then Kurt realizes he's overstepped, and offers to go to a movie instead, which is how he escaped winning the Selfish Little Prick award for the week. He gives Blaine an out, and after that, it is up to Blaine. That offer moves Blaine's heart, or courage, or loins, or all three, and Blaine agrees to go to Prom with Kurt. Kurt has one of his very few moments of genuine joy.
Mercedes and Rachel invite Sam to do a three-way with them.. NO! Not the dirty kind! This is a family show! They want to form an Alliance of Pathetic Loneliness, just this really hot blonde guy with killer abs, and two A type divas who are both pretty attractive and very forceful, but are not able to get dates. Sam is worried because he can't afford it, but Rachel has two generous daddies and a lot of money, so she pulls out her wad and explains the plan. Sam will borrow a suit from his dad. The girls will buy $5 dresses at Goodwill. This is especially funny because Mercedes is a very big girl, but she can find what she needs at Goodwill and Lauren is in despair because she can't find anything. They will make their own corsages, walk to Prom, and eat at a cheap buffet afterwards. Glee catches kids doing something sensible. This trend can't possibly last.
The girls are trying on Prom dresses, and they've asked Kurt to come along and critique their choices. When Brittney puzzles why they bothered to ask him, Tina replies that their prom buzz will skyrocket if Richard Blackwell of Lima likes what they are wearing. I can understand Brittney's confusion. Anybody in their right mind who has observed the horrific jumpsuit Kurt wore in this scene would never want to ask him for fashion advice. Lauren stumbles out in a bright yellow monstrosity that makes her look like a lemon meringue pie. Kurt suggests that she wear navy. Santana slinks out in a fabulous devil red number, and Kurt has no critique. Go with God, Satan! Kurt then announces, with giggly, girly pride, that he's going to the Prom with Blaine. There are scenes in which Kurt seems to be a mainstream character, and there are scenes in which he's clearly about to burst into flame. This scene was flammable. Satan in a red dress pulls Blackwell Jr. aside; she thinks he will need protection at the Prom, and wants to send in a full detail of Bully Whips to hound his every move and assure that she will get sympathy points for Prom Queen. Oh, your stunt with the Bully Whips is going to influence what happens on Prom Night for sure, my dear, but possibly not as you wished.
Puck has a dilemma; he is running for Prom King with Lauren, but he feels he's lost his street cred as a "lovable miscreant." I would agree that he's losing his reputation for being an unrepentant douchebag, and I like the change. Puck thinks he can reestablish himself as a moronic jerk if he spikes the punch at the Prom, but Sue will never let him near the punch bowl. Solution? Have Artie, innocent little Artie, be his partner in crime. Artie demurs. What he really wants is to get Brittney to like him again, and he can't see how spiking the punch will do that.
Rachel comes out on stage and orders the kids in the AV club, who are creating the Prom background, to praise the song she's chosen to sing for the Prom. They ignore her. Now that they've established a reason for Rachel to burst randomly into song, Lea begins belting out "Rolling in the Deep" and soon finds she has company. Jesse, he who smashed eggs on her head, takes up the second verse and the magnificence of his singing inspires the bored AV kids to start singing backup. Let's face it, there's not a single male singer in New Directions who can hold a candle to Jonathan Groff. Rachel is taken aback to see him, but strangely, not unhappy. A couple of verses in, she's willing to sing with him, though her body language is still guarded. She is not sure what he wants from her.... but they could have had it all, these two, rolling in the deep. And Rachel would have had a partner worthy of her if only they had not demonized him. He offers his hand. She refuses it.
Jesse has flunked out of UCLA. He assumed that the school would give him a pass on all academic classes so that he could focus on performing, but UCLA is not Carmel and Vocal Adrenaline does not prepare their students for college. Jesse feels that he traded love for a fourth consecutive National championship, and this was a bum deal.
Would she go to Prom with him? Yep, Jesse is now THAT GUY, hanging around the high school, reliving past glories and making out with high school girls because he can't measure up in college. Tragic, really.
Finn thinks it's downright ominous. He's running after Rachel down the hall, demanding to know why she's dating Jesse after the way he treated her. He doesn't trust Jesse! He thinks he'll try to hurt her! He doesn't really want Rachel to date at all because he's still in love with her, and he wants it not only both ways, but ALL ways! Because Finn was a trainwreck this entire year! Rachel rightly points out that Finn lost the ability to dictate her choices when he broke up with her. She wants him to be as supportive of her right to move on as she has been of his romance with Quinn, and offers poignant advice on corsages. Yes, the moment Rachel begins dating, Finn suddenly remembers that Quinn is demanding and difficult, and that he'd rather be with Rachel.
The Bully Whips are in full force, very LOUDLY keeping the out gay student (singular) of McKinley safe from harm. Karofsky is nervous and uncomfortable with the equipment, but Santana announces a safe zone for Kurt so loudly and aggressively, one girl deliberately bumps into him out of pure irritation. Santana thinks this is going to win her Prom Queen, and I agree that it's going to have a very strong influence on the ultimate result.
In Home Economics class, Brittney finds eggs... confusing...while Kurt despairs of learning how to make a basic pate before he graduates. Fortunately, before the teacher can tell Kurt where to stick his illusion of foie gras, Artie shows up with a sweet request. He want to apologize to Brittney for insulting her, and he would like to ask her to the prom, so he's going to serenade her with a Stevie Wonder love song about an infant. Although the song itself is quite inappropriate (and Mercedes points this out) the serenade itself is lovely, and before you know it Artie has a backup band to help out. Alas, it is to no avail; in the grossly unfair world that is Glee, the fact that Brittney repeatedly cheated on Artie cannot begin to measure up to the atrocity that was Artie correctly calling her stupid - for not realizing that it was cheating, and inappropriate. The power balance in this relationship is really off. She will not go with him. As Artie wheels slowly out, Puck invites him to help spike the punch, and Artie agrees because he has nothing to live for.
Blaine and Finn are sitting in the Hummel-Hudson living room. Blaine says "So, is it cool if I jam with you at Prom?" which is code language for "Insert Extraneous, Unnecessary, Entirely-For-Itunes Sales Blaine Song of the week, HERE." Finn is fine with it, since Blaine has not yet joined New Directions and therefore has not yet threatened his turf. Burt arrives to announce a discount on tuxes, and they discuss their manly fashion choices, past and present. Then Kurt scoots out proudly in his prom ensemble: White highbuttoned shirt, black bowtie, vest, jacket... and a perfectly marvelous... kilt.
It's a kilt.
He's not in Scotland.
The people around him wouldn't know the masculine heritage of that most manly of garments if a Celtic Warrior ran them through with a battleaxe. I'm not saying he was being effeminate, because he wasn't. I would say he was being pretentious here. Hey, if it's good enough for Sean Connery and the Prince of Wales, it's got to be perfect for Kurt Hummel, right?
Finn, who has lived through too many cycles of Put Kurt Down For Being Gay and doesn't want to go THERE again, praises the kilt. Burt, who has lived through too many cycles of People Giving Kurt Shit For Being Gay, and doesn't want to go THERE again, hates the kilt. He thinks Kurt is deliberately calling attention to himself. Blaine, who would like to get through Prom Night with his face intact, agrees with Burt. Then Burt informs Kurt that there are bad people out there - people worse than this Karofsky kid... and I shake my head. It is one of a sickening series of comments meant to redirect the viewers' attention away from the fact that this Karofsky kid made repeated sexual gestures toward Kurt and then threatened his life. It really does not get much worse than that, but Karofsky got woobiefied, and now we are supposed to forget that he ever did anything really horrific. Kurt launches into a sweetly civil declaration of "My way or the highway", making it clear that he'd rather go to Prom stag with the kilt, then in trousers with Blaine. Priorities, kid.
Speaking of the Woobified Karofsky....Yep, there he is, wearing that obnoxiously insincere Bully Whips Beret that never solved any problems, and escorting Kurt to class. I still can't get over that. No matter how many times I see it, I am not going to be able to get my head around the fact that one of the conditions for Kurt's safe return to McKinley was that David Karofsky, the boy who drove him away, will now escort him everywhere he goes, all the time. Loudly. David tells Kurt to wait inside the classroom until he gets back from calculus. Kurt, who is suffering from delusions of normalcy, gets the crazy idea that the other kids in school have stopped harassing him because they've ceased to care. No, sweetie, it's because you've been tailed by people who can break their faces if they bother you. His real point, however, is that Karofsky already looks like he's about to cry and the conversation has barely begun. "I could hate you when you were bullying me, but now all I see is your pain." Yes, Kurt, help them sweep it under the rug, pretend it didn't happen, minimize it, there you go.
You know, there are gay kids that get death threats for real, don't you? Would you have them ignore it like this? I understand that Max Adler turned out to be a very good actor, (better than Darren Criss) and he does great work with Chris Colfer, but the message they've sent here is dangerous.
Kurt gently urges David to come out... some time, and that's it. The floodgates are unleashed and Dave's in tears. He's sorry. The actor sold a very shallow scene very well; this script had no right to be as effective as it was, and the credit goes entirely to Max. He begs Kurt to wait for him, and set forth a tag line that made many a Kurtofsky shipper heart flutter.
The next shot: Quinn at her vanity, wearing her Prom Dress, with her dreams of that one night of glamor waiting for her. She sees herself under the crepe paper stars, beaming with proud, happy Finn as Prom Queen and King. Then her mother announces from downstairs that he has arrived. We have a sweeping shot of her coming down the stairs looking beautiful, and Finn's jaw drops open. He gives her the corsage that Rachel recommended, and they have a moment, but their kiss is stopped by the proud mama and her camera. You see, they are not Endgame, so we'll have no kissing here! Prom Pose!
Prom Pose! And now it's Mercedes in fabulous purple posing for her group date. That did not come from Goodwill. A consignment store, maybe. Sam, Rachel, and Jesse all approve. Jesse does not approve of Sam's bolo tie. That's Jesse - always the critic. Then he steps into a little bit more by revealing that he knows Sam is homeless. He's about to sound very condescending about Sam's poverty when he suddenly turns left and announces that the best time to start a business is during a recession... whatever that is. He does not know. Rachel is mesmerized, Mercedes is bored, and Sam wants to know how this overaged asshole muscled in on the high school threesome he agreed to. At any rate, since the only things Jesse's any good at are show choir and being a prick, he's going to open a consulting business advising show choirs. Rachel is ecstatic, Mercedes is skeptical, and Sam consoles his insulted bolo tie. Fortunately, Quinn and Finn show up to end Jesse's explanation for how they continued to employ the wonderful Jonathan Groff. Well, maybe that is not so fortunate. Quinn is shilling for votes, but Finn has the fakest smile known to man as he greets Jesse. "What did you order? Scrambled eggs?" Yes, the dog is in the manger, ladies and gentlemen. Jesse purrs a greeting to Quinn and insults Finn's dancing. Mercedes decides this is not fun, and dismisses them.
And now the Prom is underway! Kurt and Blaine are happily together on the sidelines. Karofsky and Santana appear to be having a pretty fun time as each other's beards. Sue stands over the punch with an expression that makes me think somebody put a stink bomb in it. And onstage.... Puck, Sam and Artie are doing their best to make the worst song in the history of mankind into an enjoyable experience for the television audience. Damned if they didn't kinda sorta succeed. Yes, it's Rebecca Black's "Friday", the teen hit that can double as a Kindergarten curriculum when going over the days of the week. I do think it is Puck's facial expressions that sold this.
Then, despite her earlier declaration that she was singing Rolling in the Deep, Rachel now chooses to depress us all by staring tearfully at Finn, who is dancing with Quinn, while singing "Jar of Hearts". And yes, Finn knows that she's singing to him. She's basically telling him off, musically. I have lost count of how many times Rachel has declared her independence from Finn, only to end up tied in knots over him again. Yawn. Next.
Kurt and Blaine still don't seem to dare to dance. They are just standing together, happy to be in the room, and Kurt babbles naively about how inclusive McKinley has become. Becky has found a young man who also has Down Syndrome, and they are sharing a romantic moment. Kurt also notes that Karofsky, dancing with Santana, is still in a lie. Somehow, David caught that. Not sure how. Maybe Kurt has powers of telepathy he cannot control. Brittney dances with another girl and thinks nothing of it, while Asian Fusion make out on the dance floor. Mercedes, sitting in her purple Goodwill dress, fiddles with her homemade corsage, and looks up to see a guy holding out his hand. I think Sam may have gotten a few notes from Rachel, because he knows exactly what to do. He tells her she looks beautiful, and he asks her to dance. I think it is utterly charming how important that one little moment turned out to be.... echoed half a season later during "The Spanish Teacher."
By the end of "Jar of Hearts" Finn is seriously agitated. I think he heard the phrase "Who do you think you are?" one too many times, and Quinn, sensing the tension, grabs hold for dear life. She makes a poignant attempt to solidify her position: "I'm so happy to be here with you. It's what I always wanted." Jesse watches Rachel with affection, hope, and pride. He feels the tide turning his direction.
And now Puck thinks it's time to spike the punch. This means he intends on asking Watchdog Sue to dance when there's no music, and she's not buying this. Unfortunately, Puck's just not quite as good at distracting cougars as he thinks he is, because Sue catches Artie pouring liquor into the punch bowl. "IN MY OFFICE!!! NOW!!!!!" Sue screams. So, of course, while she's in the office with Artie, I'm sure the unattended punch will be not only spiked, but skewered beyond any recognizable punch. Still, how often does she have an officially sanctioned reason to use torture?
What comes next is right out of Marathon Man, with a twist. Now Sue has a dental kit, and she's going to interrogate him by... cleaning his teeth with something that looks very much like pliers. She wants to know who set him up. Was it Puckerman? Uh, Sue. You mean the guy that tried to dance with you when there wasn't any music, just as Artie was pouring the booze? Uh, that's astute, that is. I bet my kindergartener could figure that one out. Sue can just see the opportunity to expel Puck and leave the Glee Club short at Nationals... it does not seem to occur to her that she could simply expel Artie and leave the Glee Club short at Nationals. However, Artie haplessly wails in despair that he just wants to dance with Brittney, and somehow, that ruins everything for Sue. He admitted his deepest desire! He's a worthless POW!
And with that, we return to the dance floor, where Blaine is performing his Extraneous, Unnecessary, Entirely-For-Itunes Sales Blaine Song of the Week, as mentioned previously. He's a gay boy, singing a song that begins with the lyrics "You are the girl that I've been dreaming of, ever since I was a little girl" and I want to know who the hell chooses these damned songs. Talk about a confused message. But it must be working, because everybody is dancing. Everybody! (Except Artie, we must suppose.) Finn and Quinn are dancing. Puck and Lauren are dancing. Mercedes and Sam are dancing. Santana and Dave are dancing. Kurt's dancing happily in place all by himself since Blaine is on the stage. In the middle of all this, however, Finn sees a disaster looming. Rachel is dancing. Rachel is dancing with Jesse. Rachel is dancing with Jesse and having a wonderful time. And wait... are they... is that a hug? Is that... is that a KISS????????? OH, HELL NO, WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!!!!! So our knight in shining armor dumps his own date without a word of warning and stomps across the dance floor to urinate in a circle around Rachel and mark his territory. Finn pretends he just wants it to stay PG, but as Jesse points out, Finn does not really get a say in this situation anymore. And before push comes to shove, there is both, and that saves Artie's teeth.
Becky flies into Sue's office howling Code Blue and reminding Sue that some things are a higher priority than the sheer, blessed joy of torture for its own sake. As we cut back to the dance floor, I have to give Blaine some credit for keeping his concentration and continuing to sing as Jesse and Finn really begin to attack each other aggressively. Sue steps into the middle of the fray just as Blaine collapses from the exertion of being himself, and just like that Finn and Jesse are both out of Prom, not to be seen again for the remainder of the episode. I wanna know what they did stuck out there in that parking lot.
And that is it for Quinn's dreams of being Prom Queen. When I think about all that has happened to her since, she really cuts a tremendously tragic figure indeed.
And now, it's the moment that everyone has been waiting for. There's Figgins, bumbling at the microphone, asking the candidates for king and queen to come up to the stage. I am surprised to see that there are several girls filing in that we never actually seen before. Apparently it is not actually a requirement that you be in Glee Club in order to apply for the job of Prom Royalty. Quinn, ever brave and unable to give up the dream, files in with the rest and tries not to think about what she's going to do once she's crowned and has no King to dance with. Would Puck be handy? Would Sam be willing? Would Rachel.... no, wait, I'm not one of the Faberry shippers. Skip it.
Roll the drum please!
The Junior Prom King is....a closeted gay kid and you don't even know it, McKinley! Good for you! A triumph for hypocrites and liars everywhere! Huge round of applause!
Puck looks almost relieved, but a little disgusted, too. He knows David is at least not worthy of honor. Maybe he also worries that he cannot get laid now because Lauren did not get what she wanted. Santana beams and claps, her moment surely now at hand as she jeers at Quinn. A stiff upper lip from Quinn, impassive faces from Klaine. Brittney applauds politely, while Tina looks downright depressed. SOMEBODY has not forgotten what David did to her friend. Somewhere out in the parking lot, Jesse and Finn are either bitterly arguing about Rachel or getting drunk together on the sixpack Jesse stashed in his car for after the party. Screw Breadstix.
David grabs the scepter, thinking maybe this whole Bully Whips thing was a good idea after all, looking quite jubilant. But Figgins still has to announce the Prom Queen; for reasons that are not clear, the ballots aren't for a team. This could be a mix and match situation... well, that's certainly unique. Yes, we could have David Karofsky dancing with Lauren. Otherwise, they would just give it to Santana and the conflict would be all over and nicely tied up.
Figgins pulls out the slip. He looks at it. "With an overwhelming number of write-in votes..."
Santana must not have heard this, because she is looking smug and prepared for her big speech. She is not eligible for write-in votes. Figgins looks at it again. His whole face just shatters on the floor in grim disappointment. Something is terribly, terribly wrong, he has just been horribly surprised by it, and he does not have the slightest idea what to do about it. So he makes the worst snap decision possible. He says the name.
"Kurt Hummel."
A school principal is charged with a lot of responsibility in his position, but chief among them is the responsibility to keep the kids in his care safe. Safe from harm, safe from ridicule, safe from abuse. This is a function at which he has been failing Kurt Hummel all year long. He may say he's had a zero tolerance policy about violence in the school, but Kurt has been physically beaten in his corridors and there have been witnesses. However, they could not find any grounds to punish Karofsky. Kurt was so frightened he had to leave school, but they could not find any grounds to protect him. And now that the prodigal student has been painfully reinstated after a series of tense negotiations, after a new student initiative was installed for the sole purpose of protecting this one kid, the boy is again under a new kind of attack.
All Figgins has to do is say, "Uh, no. We are not doing this. This student is not on the ballot, does not want this designation, and this behavior is not appropriate." Then he can either say:
1. "We have a joke result. Therefore, the Prom Queen will be the escort of tonight's Prom King. Ladies and Gentlemen, Santana Lopez!"
2. "We have a joke result. Therefore, the Prom Queen will be selected from the number of regular votes. Ladies and Gentlemen, Quinn Fabray!"
3. "We have a joke result. Therefore there will be no Prom Queen this
year, and the Prom is now at an end. Go home. You brought this on
yourselves."
No. He elected to not only allow the bullying, but to condone it and facilitate it. Then he forced it to continue. Burt Hummel should have sued this cowardly son of a bitch. "Boot yoo don understand, MsRecrapper! They voted for Kurt! My hands were tied!"
The moment that the big cowardly mongoose that serves as this school's primary administrator says Kurt's name, a harsh spotlight flashes immediately into his stricken face. One person behind him looks confused. Rachel is already beginning to look horrified. Blaine hasn't even completely processed what just happened. There's a mocking cheer near the back. A single mean-spirited clap, and then a girl turns around and stares at Kurt with absolute, unrelenting hatred. I don't know if she hates him because he's gay, or because she's blaming him for ruining the Prom, but that unforgiving glare is too much for him and he's fleeing from the ballroom with Blaine in desperate pursuit. I do notice, in the crowd, that some of the people we don't know aren't angry or hate-filled. There are concerned strangers who think this is wrong and messed up, too. They will make their opinion known later in the episode.
Kurt runs to the relative safety of the hallways where he was shoved into his locker. He's bawling like his entire world has been completely demolished, and as he weeps, he wails that they were foolish - that they thought the end of the overt teasing meant the end of the hatred. Blaine kindly refrains from saying "Yes, honey, YOU were deluded about that. Not me. YOU." He knows his place right now is just to listen.
Meanwhile, Quinn has receded to the women's bathroom, under the impression that this whole horrible situation is somehow primarily about her. As Rachel goes to calm her down - she has to do it because Finn is out in the parking lot getting drunk with Jesse - Quinn makes the rather crazy declaration that all those horrid little snakes in that auditorium voted for Kurt because they all knew Finn was still in love with Rachel. Then she slaps Rachel so hard I wonder why little Ms. Berry didn't just tromp right out of there and go see if she could help a hurting best friend who wasn't going to hit her as a reward.
Meanwhile, Santana has retreated to an office, perplexed as to how her running-mate could win when she did not. Just because she hates everybody doesn't mean they have to hate her, too! Santana, a cheerleader who came into our show as a Mean Girl wannabe hanging out with the cool crowd, announces that she's been an outsider her whole life, and I say, "Uh, what, now?" Gorgeous cheerleader who sleeps with football players and runs from Prom Queen has been an outsider? The girl who was jockeying to become Head Cheerleader? This show is really beginning to get very confused about the definition of "outsider."
Three quick shots of three different kids, all weeping about the results of the election.
Blaine suggests they just leave the Prom. And then, in a script change that Chris Colfer famously asked the writers to make, Kurt decides that he does not want to run away. HE makes the decision to face his coronation. He makes the decision to spit their hatred back in their faces. Blaine does not talk him into this any more; it is his decision. It is virtually the first decision he's been allowed to make in months, and Chris had to fight for it.
In the three separate corners, there are three separate resolutions. Rachel convinces Quinn that she has basic worth outside of her pretty face and her prom queen aspirations. Blaine asks Kurt if he is ready to face what he must do next. Brittany tells Santana that she would have won the election if she'd been honest about who she was. Then she makes her typical Brittany - type observation: alone of the girls, she has noticed that Kurt's situation is actually worse than Santana's, and they might want to stop feeling sorry for themselves and go offer him some moral support.
You mean there's something worse than NOT being voted the most popular girl in your school? Getting deliberately humiliated is worse? Who knew?
Somewhere in the torture chamber, Artie admits that... he did
not really spike the punch. He poured lemonade in it. Sue lets him go
in disgust for being no fun at all to interrogate. That... was a
complete waste of a plot. I would have rather followed the Parking Lot
Adventures of Jesse and Finn.
As Kurt steps back into ballroom, the place is absolutely silent. It is as if they knew he was coming back, as if they were under a spell that could not be broken until the Prom Queen accepted his sentence and took up his gibbet at the center of their ridicule. But as he steps forward, I don't see hatred there, anymore. I am not sure what's happened, but I get the impression that most of the folks in that audience didn't really approve of what happened and knew it wasn't his fault. It's as if they are hoping he will somehow be able to fix this so that they can get back to having a good time. He takes the crown, he takes the scepter, and he spits out the now famous quip, "Eat Your Heart Out, Kate Middleton!"
It's a joke! Humor! It's going to be all right! Rachel applauds loudly, and a grateful audience follows her lead. Maybe some of them applaud his bravery. Maybe some of them just hope the music will begin soon. Figgins acts like the disaster has been averted... but now he wants Kurt and David to dance together. There is not a principal in the country that would demand that except for this incompetent goober.
Kurt whispers, "Now's your moment!" to Dave. He seems to be under the impression that, since McKinley has given themselves a gay couple as Prom Royalty this year, they might as well be aware of that. He wants Karofsky to announce that he's gay right there in the middle of it all. While this might have saved David some grief down the road, it's kind of a tall order to ask a guy to do that in such a tense corner as this one. Then, as the boys face each other, we are left with the unspoken idea that if David dances with Kurt, it's the same as coming out. And David... for whom we can now make a strong canon argument for being constantly attracted to Kurt the entire time he knew him... looks like he'd like to accept that dance. But he can't.
And David Karofsky, cool kid on campus, asked to dance with a boy he's kissed and to whom he's attracted, flees from this night of triumph in tearful despair, leaving Kurt alone in shame on the dance floor. But no, he's not alone. There is Blaine, the winner of the Season Two, hotly contested "Be Kurt's Boyfriend and Become a Season Three Regular" Ship War Sweepstakes. HE would like this dance! Apparently he's over the fear of getting his face rearranged, or thinks that the crown might be as bad as it gets, or is willing to face injury for Kurt's sake.
The crowd that was cheering a minute ago looks a little awkward now. Oh, yeah, they are OK with the boys BEING gay, they just don't like watching it. It's a very, very common point of view. Rachel solves this quite sensibly by twirling in to dance with Sam, and after that people feel they are able to get back to having fun. The Glee Club sings Dancing Queen, a favorite of mine that is now unfortunately forever linked to this very cruel election, and we see a montage of pictures showing jubilant prom goers taking their official pictures. This includes Quinn peacefully by herself, Artie, who finally got to dance with Brittany, and the happy and triumphant Prom Queen, Kurt Hummel,with his devoted date, Blaine.
Somewhere in the parking lot, David Karofsky is asking Finn and Jesse if there's any beer left, because he REALLY needs a drink after what just happened. The horror. The horror.
