Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Jingle All the Way
Unanimous sits in their waiting room, sipping champagne, and patting themselves on the back. Aubrey, in particular. Big surprise, huh? Gee, it sucks to be the only capable person in the world, doesn't it? Only Aubrey can make creatives. (Yes, apparently, this is a genuine marketing term.) Only Aubrey has ever done anything of value.
And it's really interesting... We Clay fans were all sweating bullets, and Clay was too, but everybody seems to be certain the victim is either Penn or Dayana. I want to know what really goes on in the editing room, and why we were so much more worried about Clay than Unanimous was.
Clay and Dayana come through the door, and Clay looks like he's just witnessed a wrongful execution. Lisa ignores Dayana and asks Clay what happened... it was the slogan. Trump only focused on the single weekly task today. Lisa gently says "It was hard for you" and I think these editors don't tell us what the real dynamics of these people are.
Clay knows how to play Survivor. He tells the camera about his mixed emotions. In terms of being the stronger player, he's sorry Penn is gone. Penn deserved to stay... but in terms of being the stronger player, well... Clay just cut a very large, deep notch in his warrior's stick Penn was smart, talented and dangerous. Dayana ain't winning this thing unless a Trump wants to sleep with her and has not already succeeded. He jokes with the others that while the all-male team won virtually every task, there are now only two men left on the show. When the teams went co-ed, the men dropped like flies. Apparently, having a single male teammate does wunders fer dem here wimmins. Clay is chatting pleasantly with everybody else, but Dayana stands apart. She knows Clay and Lisa are not happy she is still around at Penn's expense. She's going to have to watch her back.
Aubrey gives money to GLSEN. I approve of anti-bullying organizations, I am glad they got some money out of her and I hope they do great things with it, but I simply will not discuss her if I don't have to. She is not representing them well.
The Task: Good Sam Roadside Service for RVs wants these celebrities to write and perform a 90 second jingle; they will be judged on the jingle, the brand messaging, and the performance itself. Hmm. It's... a singing contest. There are two teams. Surely Clay Aiken won't place second in a singing contest? Simon Cowell is nowhere in sight. Yes, the other team has Aubrey O'Day, but she seems to be better known for her Playboy cover. God, this woman just oozes class. doesn't she?
Time to choose project managers. Now I am REALLY sorry Penn tried to run from the fragrance challenge, because this was Clay's wheelhouse and he should have been all over this. But nope, it's not his turn, so the project manager will be... a woman who has no musical background or ability at all. Arsenio will be in charge for Forte, and he amiably tells the camera that he already knows Aubrey is going to steal his thunder and try to take charge. Yes, and the sun will rise.
Trump is surprised that Dayana is project manager; he was expecting Clay to do it. Apparently it's not actually against the rules to go twice in a row. Yes, Donald, he will sing. Well... we hope. Will he sing? Dayana informs the camera that she's decided she has to be more aggressive this task. She's going to have to assert her authority more. On a musical task. On a team that includes Clay Aiken. Uh. Oh. Trump will give the winners $20,000, and Good Sams will offer $25,000. In addition, they will offer all the proceeds of Good Sam mascot sales to the winning charity. That's hardly even fair. That's millions of dollars. Most PMs get tens of thousands. The Grand Prize is only $250,000. Trump wishes them all luck... especially Dayana. Is it because he knows she's the wrong leader for this task?
In the Unanimous van, Clay is discussing the jingle. It needs to have a lot of repetition, and because Clay is what Lisa calls a "Frankie Valli" type singer, they think it should have an early 60s flavor. Uh, yes, Clay. YOU have to sing. YOU have to do that. And then we get quite a little bombshell. Dayana does not know what a jingle is. She thinks it's a Christmas carol. Lisa and Clay both look like they want to shoot her right there, and then Clay very patiently tries to explain what a jingle is. Then Dayana decides they need to write lyrics - start throwing out rhymes right off the bat. Clay more icily tells her that the melody usually comes first. Yes. His family includes David Foster. Clay would know this. Then Dayana suggests that they just call Debbie Gibson, because Clay and Lisa can't get this task done. At least, not if she's making any important decisions.
Over on Forte, Aubrey is churning out idea after idea, demanding that Arsenio rubber stamp them. She wants them to be cheerleaders. However, Arsenio doesn't like this. He wants to remain in control of the task, he wants to choose images that will fit the demographic well, and he does NOT want to tap dance, because it evokes some very grim racial stereotypes. Aubrey gives the most offensive confessional of her career by sneering that Arsenio is the biggest girl on the show and he ought to love tap dancing and cheerleading outfits. Given that she is trying to earn money for gay kids who have been bullied, her comment is inexcusable. GLSEN appears to agree with me.
Arsenio balks at the idea that Aubrey's idea is by definition the best one possible, and the argument ends in a cold silence that scares Teresa. She is caught in the crosshairs of their personal feud and she does not like it. Arsenio notes that Aubrey basically won't do anything unless she gets to do it her way. Unanimous appears to be in trouble.
When Unanimous arrives at the recording studio, Teresa makes happy, peace-making sounds, but Aubrey growls that all her ideas aren't set in stone already. Arsenio keeps offering up rhymes that I think might sound pretty good, but Aubrey does not like them because she did not write them. Then salvation arrives in the person of the Good Sam executive, who offers up a Bobblehead Mascot of Peace to inspire them to grow up and start working. This guy feels like the brand is the most important thing in the project. So the Bobblehead Mascot is YOUR CHEERLEADER????? snickers Aubrey. Uh, yeah, something like that. Ok, Arsenio, come over here and let Aubrey put her foot on your neck now.
Over on Forte, Clay and Lisa are perking along on their early 1960's theme, but just as the ideas begin to gel, Dayana wants to get Big Hair and switch to 80's. She's mad because they are making decisions without including her, but her contributions today seem very shallow, unfocused and nonsensical Possibly it's been like this all along, and that's why Lisa has completely lost her mind. Editing is an interesting, misleading thing. Then the Bobblehead guy shows up to stress the importance of not playing it safe with this jingle. Clay, whom I love dearly and who is as cutting edge as a pillow, thinks that a Frankie Valli impersonation will be adventurous enough. Sigh. Of course you do, sweetie. Of course you do. That's kind of the problem. Oh, and don't forget that branding is the most important thing. Always. Just tattoo the brand across your foreheads and be done with it.
When the musicians arrive for Unanimous, Aubrey (who is not the project manager) informs them of the Gwen Stefani musical direction she wants them to go. Arsenio has the good sense to suggest that the team's professional singer should sing the jingle, and that's Aubrey's cue to tell us how she can write songs with no effort. Honey, writing always takes effort. Aubrey envisions the epic story of a couple whose car has broken down on the side of the road, and Arsenio agrees to rap, because that's not a stereotype. Well, it is, but it's not a hundred years old. Aubrey begins to write the song, and Arsenio gives her free rein because he thinks he's making her happy.
Clay begs Dayana to stop dawdling and let them choose a musical decade and style before the musicians arrive. No Dayana, the Bobble Head does not look like Duran Duran. He looks like a guy called Walter who is living next door to the Cleavers. Clay tells the confessional that they had a problem... Dayana is Project Manager, but she is clueless and counterproductive, so they have to find a way to keep her from being destructive while Clay and Lisa get the work done. They give Dayana a short lesson... well, a long lesson for which they do not have time...in music styles and genres. How do you like funk , Dayana? No? How about Doowop? Well, what about a Frankie Valli thing? What, you like this? Gee, why didn't we think of that hours ago? Your leadership inspires us, you little twit. Dayana whines in confessional that they are not being fair with her. Given that Clay spent forever trying to let you get on board with the music style, I'd say he's been trying, at least up until now.
Dayana wants to play the song with a little pink added in. I am going to be very kind and suggest that this is the part where she's from Venezuela and the right word failed her at this moment. Clay just thinks she ought to recognize that he knows music better than she does and let him lead this more. Oh, Clay. I just love your voice. It's so... magenta. Except, of course, when you hit the high notes and it goes all polka dots. Clay suggests they add green to the song, and tells us that Dayana does not know her ass from a hole in the ground.
Hee hee. Clay, it's a new you. You are much more interesting now. You are also right. And also yellow. Can you sing a rainbow? I can't wait to see the chorus.
Arsenio is taking charge, getting things done, delegating tasks. He's got Teresa working on the branding and he asks Aubrey to help her. Then he turns Little Drummer Boy and catches a beat while Aubrey turns up her nose. But when Arsenio gives directions to the background singers... Aubrey commits mutiny and abandons Teresa to hang with the singers. Arsenio grumbles, but doesn't make any attempt to reign in that bitch.
Clay's getting his song all worked out. It's mastery! Masterful lyrics, I tell you! Good Sam! (Something else right here) Good Sam! (Something else right here.) Well, we always said he could sing the phone book, and he's just about doing that now. Beautifully, I might add. Then Dayana tries to write some lyrics to replace the Something Else Right Here. Badly, I might add. Lisa then spouts off some pretty good, witty lyrics off the top of her head, and Dayana wants to help, and I agree... it's not really possible to collaborate on song lyric writing with somebody who doesn't have any talent for it at all. No, Dayana, don't look over her shoulder. Yes, I promise you, it is very nerve-wracking and unproductive when people do that.
Dayana wonders where the respect for the Project Manager is. I can answer that. This is a task where the Project Manager should be delegating tasks to appropriate personnel and then popping in to say "How's it going?" every so often. Lots of effective supervisors do that. Hey, you are the boss, lady. You get to give orders and make them do the work. Try it. Here, have some low-fat dessert of your choice and live a little. Dayana, the goal of the task is not to please YOU. It's to write a jingle. However, if Dayana has never written anything, she may not understand that it's really a solitary activity. Yes, you can follow up on the task and read the lyrics from time to time, but not over Lisa's shoulder. It just. Doesn't. Work.
Then Clay sings the lyrics of the new jingle, and I hope it's not on his next album as Lisa starts rocking. Lisa hopes it will replace the Debbie Gibson jingle that's still rattling in her head after... how may weeks? Hey, maybe it WAS a good jingle.
And here's Clay Aiken, singing about how Good Sam helps him out of a jam and says "I can" and is his favorite man... Soon he'll sing about spam... Somehow I'm still his fan... Oh, but Dayana wants to take out that whole "He's my favorite man" thing, and now Clay's beginning to go into Pissy! Diva! Clay! mode, because... uh... he knows how to sing and Dayana does not. Then Lisa does the spoken blurb, and Dayana tells her she sounds scary. After that instruction, she looks scary. Clay sums it up. It was the blind leading the seeing.
When Don Jr. comes in to visit the Unanimous team they sing him their song, which is funky and fun and features rapping from Arsenio. Don thinks they are doing pretty well.... and then Aubrey goes into her usual game strategy, which is to trap Don in a corner (again) and tell him that she's the only worthwhile member of her team. (again.) It's like she's tattling about a naughty classmate to the teacher, except, of course, that's she's doing this to set up the groundwork for her own advancement at Arsenio's expense. She thinks she's proving her worth; Don is learning that her backstabbing attitude is an impediment to the team's effectiveness. I hope this turns out to be important.
It's time to decide on costumes for Forte. Dayana wants there to be a hippie. Dayana does not understand the difference between 1963 and 1967. Of course she doesn't. She was born in 1986. Clay, in describing how obtuse Dayana is, tells us that while he has worked with special ed kids, Dayana required more patience. No, he did NOT say she was a Special Ed kid! Lisa and Clay inform Dayana that her ideas are completely inappropriate, and she whines because she's being picked on. She thinks they are evil because they don't think a hippie goes well with Frankie Valli.
I really want to know what the difference is between the sweet, helpful, downtrodden Dayana we've been seeing for weeks and weeks and the obstructive moron we are seeing now. It appears to me that the Celebrity Apprentice have been basically lying to us about her general competency and character after all; Lisa actually has reason to dislike her, because she is really vacuous all of a sudden. I suspect she always has been and they did not show that because it served their narrative to paint Lisa as not only inappropriate in the expression of her evaluation, but arbitrary and unfair, too. I feel a bit like I've been lied to, because I've been on this girl's side and it looks like I should not have been. That's not quite fair to Lisa. Of course, this show is not fair to anybody. Ask Adam Corolla.
When Don arrives, Dayana praises Clay's suggestions and contributions, which means she's still less evil than Aubrey, but Lisa takes offense that a woman with whom she does not get along at all is not praising her as well. Dayana then tells Don that nobody will listen to her ideas. Clay is capable and Lisa is as loud as possible.
Steam is beginning to come out of Lisa's ears, and after some urging, Clay says that Lisa has been writing the song. Dayana says something I am not even sure makes sense about how she's involved with the writing...
And after that, Lisa gets as loud as possible. Screechy, weepy, full-blown harpy. Major mama temper tantrum. And Dayana looks... smug... as if she deliberately pushed some buttons and made the crazy lady go boom in front of a Trump. Uh, how many weeks have you been playing this game, Dayana?
Clay is still trying to be a grownup here. He explains how this all is not in Dayana's wheelhouse, so he and Lisa have to do a lot of the work... well, hey, they ASKED him....
Lisa rants. It's pretty much the same stuff we've been hearing for weeks. Dayana's stupid. Check. Dayana's useless. Check. Once she's raided a big enough stink to evacuate the building, Lisa storns out and Clay looks like he wants to fade into the floor.
When we (and Lisa) come back, Dayana is working on signage because she's certainly no musician. Brand Messaging was the safest task for her - but they are wasting time again. They are cutting it close now. Dayana's dawdling is biting into their rehearsal time.
Oh, look, Lisa is yelling at her again. Let's waste some more time. Bleeeeeeeeep! Fight, fight, fight, bleah. Dayana is neither capable nor smart, and Lisa has neither class nor dignity, and neither of them will win this game. Bleep! Insult! Sneer! Screech!
"Dayana!" says Clay. He is ignored. Lisa is girded for battle and Dayana had better hope they don't lose.
Unanimous: Arsenio sends Aubrey and Teresa ahead to the rehearsal hall. Arsenio leaves them with fairly vague instructions, and thinks that Aubrey is being a team player. Aaaaaah that would be a no. As soon as she gets to the venue, Aubrey completely revamps everything Arsenio did. Teresa looks nervous as they begin some unsanctioned marching. Aubrey informs us that she's saving the project single-handedly and the only proper response is "Thank you." I think the only proper response involves a muzzle.
When Arsenio arrives, Aubrey gives him instruction... everything he expected to do has changed. Oddly enough, he objects, and is not inclined to thank her. He also doesn't want to do the drums. Teresa, who is now seriously terrified that they will lose the task over the bickering, offers to drum.
Dress rehearsal for Forte: Clay is singing lead, Lisa is talking, dancers are dancing, mascot is ... uh.... mascotting, and Dayana is scheduled to do nothing. Lisa approves. Except that Dayana doesn't. She begins arguing with Clay about stage directions, and his temper REALLY begins to flare, and suddenly he's a grown ass man driving Miss Daisy. He starts yelling, too. His position... either give him real, coherent instruction, or get out of his way.
Miss Thing can't deal with attitudes. Miss Thing does not understand that he would not have an attitude if she had a clue. She sneers that since he knows what he's doing, she will sit there and clap, and I actually think that's a good idea.
Let me put it this way... if they were dressing models for a runway and Clay was somehow Project Manager instead of her, do you think he would be ordering her to let him choose the outfits and apply the makeup to the models, or would he delegate those tasks to her?
Dayana whines about lack of respect again, and I think... you know what, sweetie? You aren't giving him any respect either, for his knowledge, expertise and talent. It goes both ways, dear.
It's almost showtime, and as Clay puts on an early sixties outfit and an alarming amount of hair gel, he can hear Aubrey rehearsing her jingle on the other side of a partition. He invites Dayana, who appears to be dressed in a white sack with sleeves, to listen in. Clay thinks Forte has the more unique and creative song.
Forte's presentation depicts the team presenting an old style radio commercial. Clay sings lead as a bunch of girls in polka dotted dresses dance around him. Lisa butts in to give rapid fire description of how Good Sam saved the day. It's cute and whimsical... until Dayana wanders onstage, very unprofessionally dressed, and offers very weak, barely heard thanks to the cast and crew. Dayana prays to God that she hopes they win this one. She had better; while the Good Sam exec likes the singing and the writing, he thinks it is too conservative, and Dayana did not dress appropriately to represent the brand.
Right before the Unanimous presentation, Arsenio feels good. He and Teresa are playing a couple lost on a desolate road, wearing t-shirts with the Good Sam logo. Teresa's job is to be lost and scared. Arsenio thinks she's great, I think she's delightfully hammy, and Aubrey thinks it's terrible, and that it is sad that everybody else in the world can't be exactly like her. Arsenio remembers the Good Sam ap on his phone, and suddenly Aubrey as a very skimpily clad cheerleader and her band of helpers are marching in, singing their contemporary jingle. This presentation is funnier and catchier than Forte's. Sorry folks, it is. It also uses the entire team better as Arsenio raps, Aubrey sings and Teresa spouts funny lines. The rap part is really much more effective than Lisa's rapid fire talking. Teresa thinks they delivered. So do I. So does the exec. It's obvious that Unanimous has won this even before the Board Room.
Clay did me a huge favor during this Board Room. He was never in danger, and he didn't talk much, so for a blog written almost entirely for an audience of Clay Aiken fans, there is not much to go over. Obviously, Forte wins the task. Clay mostly sits around watching Lisa and Dayana bicker about respect. Lisa screams and yells a little more, Lisa thinks Dayana was a terrible project manager, because she obstructed talented people from doing the work that they, not Dayana, are qualified to do. Lisa did not need her help writing, Clay did not need her help singing, and there was no job for sitting around looking beautiful this week like there was last week. Aubrey butts into the conversation because everything is always about her. Clay, when he finally gets the chance to talk, agrees that Dayana was a problem... indeed, when Clay points out that Dayana was micromanaging everything to a ludicrous extent, Trump has the excuse he needs.
Dayana Mendoza is obviously one of Trump's favorite contestants this year, but she finally got fired. And they finally showed us the brainless incompetence that Lisa has been screeching about all along. Too bad she can't express her frustrations in a more adult and acceptable manner.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Glee Recap: Dance With Somebody
Glee Recap: Dance With Somebody
Whitney Houston died on February 11, 2012. Her greatest commercial success, The Bodyguard, came out in 1992, twenty years ago, before any of these Glee kids were even born. It is likely, if however tragic, that her life was beginning to hit the Bobby Brown skids before these teenagers could read. Mercedes Jones is eighteen years old. As of the air date, April 24, Whitney Houston, sadly, has been dead for two months.
Am I supposed to believe that Mercedes is so obsessed by this - still - that she's breaking spontaneously into song in the middle of the school hallway? No, it's not a fantasy sequence. Will can hear her. He's staring at her with something close to alarm as she begins to sing "How Will I Know" a capella to a photograph. Well, Mercedes is a big, brassy diva, and Whitney was what Mercedes wants to be. Maybe it's reasonable to expect that one of the Gleeks is upse... uh, Santana? Really? Funny, I pictured you more as an Amy Winehouse mourner.. Maybe it's a Troubletone thi - Wait, stop. KURT???? No, no, no. Kurt's idol is Patti LuPone. He didn't break out into mourning song when Alexander McQueen died, although he did get kind of tuneful about a bird. And where is he going? What is... is that a SHRINE in that locker? OK, I know you all are graduating and McKinley was kind of rough on you, but whose bright idea is it to stick smouldering candles and brittle photographs in the same enclosed space? You all get to move on, but Will is stuck here and he would like for McKinley not to burn down, please... Oh, great, now we have Rachel. No, no. This does not make sense. Rachel's big idol is Streisand, and she's very much alive. Now this little quartet of four mourners are striding down the halls, singing in a capella four part harmony, and I wonder... "Why?"
Why? Because they sound GORGEOUS. That's why. If celebrity tragedy produces this kind of work from the New Directions, then feed them a steady stream of Hollywood obituaries, because this the best work Glee has done since "Rumor Has It". It represents what can happen when the show reaches out and grabs its potential - this cover is not a tired rehash, but a fresh revisiting that reinvents a beloved song and gives it a new dimension. And now they are suddenly dressed for their debut at Carnegie Hall with this song. Ah, the magical power of music!
Whitney Houston died on February 11, 2012. Her greatest commercial success, The Bodyguard, came out in 1992, twenty years ago, before any of these Glee kids were even born. It is likely, if however tragic, that her life was beginning to hit the Bobby Brown skids before these teenagers could read. Mercedes Jones is eighteen years old. As of the air date, April 24, Whitney Houston, sadly, has been dead for two months.
Am I supposed to believe that Mercedes is so obsessed by this - still - that she's breaking spontaneously into song in the middle of the school hallway? No, it's not a fantasy sequence. Will can hear her. He's staring at her with something close to alarm as she begins to sing "How Will I Know" a capella to a photograph. Well, Mercedes is a big, brassy diva, and Whitney was what Mercedes wants to be. Maybe it's reasonable to expect that one of the Gleeks is upse... uh, Santana? Really? Funny, I pictured you more as an Amy Winehouse mourner.. Maybe it's a Troubletone thi - Wait, stop. KURT???? No, no, no. Kurt's idol is Patti LuPone. He didn't break out into mourning song when Alexander McQueen died, although he did get kind of tuneful about a bird. And where is he going? What is... is that a SHRINE in that locker? OK, I know you all are graduating and McKinley was kind of rough on you, but whose bright idea is it to stick smouldering candles and brittle photographs in the same enclosed space? You all get to move on, but Will is stuck here and he would like for McKinley not to burn down, please... Oh, great, now we have Rachel. No, no. This does not make sense. Rachel's big idol is Streisand, and she's very much alive. Now this little quartet of four mourners are striding down the halls, singing in a capella four part harmony, and I wonder... "Why?"
Why? Because they sound GORGEOUS. That's why. If celebrity tragedy produces this kind of work from the New Directions, then feed them a steady stream of Hollywood obituaries, because this the best work Glee has done since "Rumor Has It". It represents what can happen when the show reaches out and grabs its potential - this cover is not a tired rehash, but a fresh revisiting that reinvents a beloved song and gives it a new dimension. And now they are suddenly dressed for their debut at Carnegie Hall with this song. Ah, the magical power of music!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
A quick tribute to Penn Jillette of Celebrity Apprentice
Why on earth would a fervent fan of Clay Aiken be standing up for Penn Jillette after this last episode of Celebrity Apprentice?
OK, Clay Aiken fans. I know Penn's in the doghouse. I even understand why. Some folks are smarting because Penn created a song called "Clay Aiken by Penn Jillette." Some may still be mad about the whole Blue Man Group fiasco, which I personally agree was at least as much about promoting Penn at the expense of the team as it was about art.
Well, maybe it's because I am an amateur satirist. I make fun of TV shows. I get the mindset, and when I look at Penn's work, I don't think it's... that mean. Not really. Yes, he mentions Clay in his song, but what he really does is make fun of the fact that we've got a bunch of semi-famous people running around dancing to Trump's tune while there are real problems in the world. In that context, I am actually kind of proud. Clay... is the person who made a difference, the one he remembers. I think that it might actually be a very good career move for Clay if (AFTER THE FINALE!!!!!!!) Clay were to take Penn up on his offer and redo that song with Clay singing along on the verses Penn wrote for him. They might just have a novelty hit with that.
And in real life, Penn is a brilliant and hilarious human being. It takes a very smart and talented person to best him, and Clay managed to do that. Own it, Clay fans, and be proud of our boy. In the mean time, if you have the inclination, come read my personal encounter of the day my husband met Penn Jillette.
OK, Clay Aiken fans. I know Penn's in the doghouse. I even understand why. Some folks are smarting because Penn created a song called "Clay Aiken by Penn Jillette." Some may still be mad about the whole Blue Man Group fiasco, which I personally agree was at least as much about promoting Penn at the expense of the team as it was about art.
Well, maybe it's because I am an amateur satirist. I make fun of TV shows. I get the mindset, and when I look at Penn's work, I don't think it's... that mean. Not really. Yes, he mentions Clay in his song, but what he really does is make fun of the fact that we've got a bunch of semi-famous people running around dancing to Trump's tune while there are real problems in the world. In that context, I am actually kind of proud. Clay... is the person who made a difference, the one he remembers. I think that it might actually be a very good career move for Clay if (AFTER THE FINALE!!!!!!!) Clay were to take Penn up on his offer and redo that song with Clay singing along on the verses Penn wrote for him. They might just have a novelty hit with that.
And in real life, Penn is a brilliant and hilarious human being. It takes a very smart and talented person to best him, and Clay managed to do that. Own it, Clay fans, and be proud of our boy. In the mean time, if you have the inclination, come read my personal encounter of the day my husband met Penn Jillette.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Winning by a Nose Part Two: The Boardroom
Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Winning by a Nose Part Two: The Boardroom
Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Winning by a Nose Part One
I broke this into two parts today because this week, since most of the followers of this portion of my blob are Clay Aiken fans, I am going to have to cover the whole nerve-wracking business of how he managed not to get fired this week. I will be completely honest: I knew who was out ahead of time this week, or I might have ended up hiding under my sofalike I never did during American Idol, no sir.
How did he dance his way out of this one? Which of these guys is more like Houdini? It begins as the contestants file into Trump's Office of Doom, which I guess we should be grateful is not plated in gold like his apartment is. For a guy who blanked out during his big presentation, Clay seems awfully happy. He thinks his team really pulled together, and he can't choose a star. Actually, I suspect it is tactical on his part that he chose not to pick a star; he could not choose himself, and Lisa did not earn it. He needed very badly not to overpraise the other two, so he did not. He just says everybody is incredible, and renders that word generic.
Lisa calls Clay one of the top two project managers she has ever worked with, and she didn't even work with him on the Crystal Light assignment. It makes me wonder what he did that got that assessment from her - what did we not see? Did he perform better than they told us he did? Or was she trying to sway the decision in their favor? Of course, she said Aubrey was the other one. Maybe she meant it.
Lisa thinks Dayana killed it, too. I suspect this is true, since all she had to do was look beautiful and suggest nude photography. Twice. She suggested a takeaway, too, but that happened too late. Trump says both teams did well, although I don't think it's true and I don't think he really believed that. He does point out that this was virtually a tie. The winner won by... a nose.
Trump turns to Aubrey and the bullbleep factory begins production. Oh, my team is supportive, oh, we are like family, oh, I'm lying like a rug and I'd stab my own mother in the back to get on your good side, oh Mighty Trump. May I have the winner's trophy now? Whattdya mean your son is totally onto me? Can he be onto me? Will he come onto me?
Donald moves closer to his prey. What did you think of your team? Who did the work? Was it really everybody? Do you mean that? Arsenio is still in the nicey nicey Pollyanna mode that usually graces the Board Room right before the knives come out. He praises Teresa for painting in a silk blouse and running in pumps. She may not have much common sense, but she sure does try to help and damned the paint stains.
Donald stirs the pot. Isn't Teresa nice? She's underrated, she works hard, she's nice until you insult her. Why, has somebody been insulting Teresa, Mr. Trump? Whoever could it be?
Let's let the vultures fly above our heads for a minute or two as we look at the work that each team did. Clay and his crew get to observe the cardboard dollhouse that Aubrey's team set up, and it really hits me a day later that this ad is not only amateurish, but it doesn't really make any sense. How does a profile looking at a really bad skyline indicate success, and what does either have to do with instincts? Aye, what a mess. Then they get to look at the little brochure, and it's much better. I suspect this is when the cold grip really begins to clutch at Clay's stomach. Uh oh.
Arsenio looks at Forte's much more professional display and goes into BFF mode. Clay did a great job! Let him stay, Trump! Fire somebody else! Take Aubrey, we don't want her! And Dayana is beautiful. (Don't hate her because she's beautiful, Lisa.)
Aubrey realizes that approximately forty-five seconds have passed since anybody spoke about her, and feels this needs to be fixed. We got Eric to be our model! He was a great model! Almost as great as YOU would have been, because we like your hair better. Sir. Just one moment while I get all the brown flakes off my nose. Eric will be quite happy to wipe the brown flakes off your nose, Aubrey, and when he's done he will make you eat them. Eric quite calmly informs the entire Board Room that Aubrey has been representing herself as a one-person team.
Teresa turns to ice, and Eric is now my favorite Trump, poaching violations notwithstanding.
Aubrey backtracks so fast she leaves skid marks on the table. Oh, no! I didn't say that! I... uh, it was really early in the task, yeah, that's right, and they really did help...
"It could be insulting" says Trump. He lives to make people fight with each other. Arsenio doesn't like being minimized, especially by a woman who has never really ever accomplished anything. He felt he contributed... see, he found this quote from Donald Trump...
Aubrey jerks like she just got shot. Nononononononononononono my idea. Mine. All mine. No help. Just me. Only me. Arsenio did not help. Yes, he found your quote, but it was all me. Only me. This was not a collaboration, and we did not work together. I was always thinking about you, you successful businessman, Trump. Oh, and by the way, any old hack can have a pretty girl snuggled up against a suit. We have tacky fake buildings!
As Aubrey burns all her bridges for the rest of her life, Eric delivers the verdict.
Report Card for Forte- beautiful photography, beautiful tie, beautiful girl, beautiful display well-constructed.
The slogan sucked. Pompous. Not representative of the brand. At his point, Penn's face falls a thousand miles and I swear to God I saw wheels in Clay's head spinning so fast he could have entered himself as a new racecar for the Andrettis. The photo was too much bigger than the product, and you know that slogan they HATED? That slogan that they HATED was too hard to see. Terrible food, and such tiny portions! But they liked the picture! Let's give Dayana credit for being pretty... God knows she normally get abuse from Lisa for it. Dayana points out that Penn took the picture; she knows where this is going and she's chosen her scapegoat.
So, dance, Clay. Dance. What do you think about the pros and cons? Well... dance, dance, dance... it doesn't make sense that the picture was too big if the picture was the best part, right? Oh, yes, and we almost undressed Lisa and put her in a tie. Inject humor, dance, dance, dance. Remember, I am funny. Don't you want to keep sharp-witted, funny people around, Donald? And don't forget humble and self-deprecating. We did not use Penn or myself in the ad... we used a professional. See how professional we are?
Dance, Clay! You are singing for your life here, and it's obvious you know it. Boring? A pretty girl in a ad for cologne is boring? It's been done before? Uh... but how can Dayana be boring? I think she's exciting, and I'm gay! And I can finally say that now on National TV, and it won't kill my career or my chances to win this show! I hope. I hope. I hope.
As for the trophy girlfriend pose... Dayana suggests that there is a loving feeling about it. Since we can't see the guy at all, it looks very impersonal to me, by the way. My biggest problem with this ad was that it was sexist as hell... and most of the elements that made it so were Penn's ideas, the ideas that Clay didn't really like.
Trump turns to Penn. OK, Penn. DANCE!!! Who came up with that slogan? The slogan they hated? It was me. That was my idea. Uh, oh, wait, you didn't like it... uh... we all worked on this together, yeah, and we came up with a lot of things. We all liked this best. Yes, OK, I guess it was pompous, even though it wasn't... I'm not pompous. I'm condescending, and for the next year I plan on being bitter. And I will turn the bitterness into a song and release it on I-tunes. And I will be so mush-mouthed nobody will be able to understand it.
Report card for Unanimous:
- They LOVED the slogan. It captures the essence of the brand. Yes, I would hope that a cologne would capture an essence. The branding was great, the takeaways were great. So basically, you would be extremely impressed with the wonderful pamphlets on the display if you actually stopped to look at the amateurish, boring display that was supposed to be the primary focus of the task. It was disjointed, it didn't make any sense, and the silhouette was... unappealing.
This is like saying that the construction of the house was shoddy, and it's about to fall down, but it's got some great decorations on the front porch.
The execs had a hard time choosing here, because both teams screwed up royally. Crappy display, crappy slogan. Unfortunately, somebody has to win and lose this thing. Who came up with the silhouette.. was that Aubrey? Of course it was. She's a one-person team all by herself, right? Dance, Aubrey! Dance! I came up with the slogan, no, Arsenio did not help, and I did the branding and you loved those and can I say right now how much I've always admired you and how classy you are?
Teresa, DANCE! The silhouette is Everyman! OK, he's EveryTrump!! And I am such a hard worker I will paint in a silk blouse!
Trump slams the table like a petulant toddler. He's tiring of his little game. Boy, I hate the Board Room part of this show. Trump wanted to make a grand gesture by giving somebody a hundred grand so that he could look like Santa Clause. "The problem is..." I see Clay's face shift noticeably. Unfortunately, the problem is that everybody screwed up. so he can't give that windfall to one charity. We do not have a real winner here. Get off your high horse, Aubrey. But Trump wanted to be Santa Clause! He wanted to be Santa Clause! So guess what! He's going to be Santa Clause anyway! YOU get $10,000 and YOU get $10,000 and YOU get $10,000... and the winning PM gets $40,000.
Would you like to know who won, Clay? Are you sure, Clay? It wasn't you, Clay. You see, Aubrey is the only player left who hasn't won for her charity, and she's really good TV, so we have to keep her around for a little longer. As Aubrey shrieks with delight and babbles about how she's fighting bullies... Aubrey's charity... fights bullies.... yeah... Clay's quick little mind has gone into serious overdrive.
Unanimous goes out to celebrate. They praise themselves, they praise the Trumps, they enjoy the wine, and Aubrey informs the camera that it's all Teresa and Arsenio's fault that she didn't get the full $100,000 all to herself. If she'd had SMART people on HER team...
We all would like to thank Teresa and Arsenio for not being smart people, or something like that, because if this bitch had won $100,000 she'd have been impossible to bear... except that the awful display design was all your baby, brat. You didn't allow anybody else to contribute, even when they did.
DANCE CLAY! DANCE! I am surprised we lost because our display is good enough to go downstairs in Macy's.... I mean, SERIOUSLY??????
Hint, Hint. They hated Penn's slogan, Clay. I am feeding this to you very, very pointedly. Pay close attention. For about fifteen seconds there, Trump has begun answering the questions for Clay. I didn't catch it the first time, but I did tonight. Uh, I was leading by consensus.... BEEP! WRONG ANSWER! TRY AGAIN! I have won seven times in a row. There's a reason, you know.. Yeah, he knows, Clay. He's toying with you. He wants to you to get out of here unscathed. So, was it wise of Clay to lead by consensus? Uh... Penn's pitch was strong, strong, have a mentioned that he's six foot seven inches tall? Penn pitched the idea, and he pitched it again, it was Penn's idea that he pitched... did I mention that it was Penn?
Dayana was beautiful, was she not... but too big. Not enough product. Why did the picture overshadow the product? We used every single bottle we had! Hey, can you blame us for having a more attractive display? Oh, it was everybody's idea. Not just mine. I swear.
Why did Lisa like Dayana's work this week? Because it involved her sitting around looking pretty. Maybe she did better because the PM listens to people instead of shutting them up and screaming at them? Oh, and did anybody want to do a takeaway? You did? Who said no?
DANCE, CLAY! DANCE! I.... didn't understand her.... (Sorry, sweetie, but I am not buying this one.)
Who gets to escape?
Well, you said that they hated the slogan, and then you said it again, and you made sure that I heard that, so I know I'd better choose Penn to come with me because if you throw me any more hints I am going to suffocate under them. Oh, and I am taking Dayana back with me because that's pretty much what everybody does. Maybe there's a reason. She's aloof. Oooh boy, I'm in a bad spot... this is the best Dayana has been in weeks... but let's look at the overall picture...
Clay chooses Lisa to escape. As he explains later in his blog, he chose Lisa to escape because she's a better debater than Dayana and she holds grudges. He knew the axe would fall on either Penn or himself, and he chose the peripheral adversary he would have an easier time neutralizing. This is the moment at which Celebrity Apprentice turns into Survivor, and it's the moment at which Penn Jillette cannot or will not continue the game and Clay Aiken can. Decide for yourself if you feel this is a good thing.
This is actually why I don't enjoy the Board Room.
It's interesting. The editing was one thing, but the moment Lisa escaped to the snacks in the lobby, she said "I'm afraid Penn's gone." I wonder if Lisa picked up on the same vibe from Trump that I did, or did she know things we did not? It is also funny that they start debating why they fear that Dayana will not be going home, and Aubrey suggests that Lisa not praise her anymore. The entire debate is whether or not Dayana or Penn is going home. They seemed to think Clay was safe.
The suits confer. Penn came up with slogan. Clay didn't stop him. That's the beginning and end of it. And consider this: if the end of the debate was always "The Project Manager approved it" then there would be no need for a Board Room. The Project Manager would always lose.
Clay explains that he brought Dayana back because he thinks she's the weakest player going forward, and that's true. Why didn't I create a takeaway? Because I focused my attention on making an attractive display that might actually, you know, convince somebody to buy something, instead of on instant litter in a crappy display. Who should you fire? Fire... Penn. He's brilliant, he's creative, I respect him, he can win this,he's a formidable adversary and I've got to throw him under the bus to stay alive here. I'm going to compliment him and praise him because to my eternal credit I do not play this game the way that Aubrey does, but better him than me! Fire Penn! Fire Penn! Oh... and by the way, Penn... it was your turn to be the PM and I did it instead because you tried to dodge the hot seat on a task that wasn't your strong suit. I'VE GOT THE BIGGER BALLS!
Indeed.
Success.
Game. Set. Match.
Penn Jillette is fired, and Clay lives to dance another day. Penn will now spend the next six months insisting he's above it all, perfectly fine with what happened, and making a steady series of little public snipes at Clay because he's clearly kind of annoyed at how this all went down.
Yes, Penn, you are quite correct. You were a brilliant player of Celebrity Apprentice, you seem to be a fine, stand-up guy, and we will miss you as we look around and realize you have been outlasted by..
Teresa the dim-witted.
Dayana the moderately talented.
Lisa the hateful.
and Aubrey the narcissist.
Clay... was better at Survivor, and he is a little better at Tribal Council than you are. I would like to mention in an addendum that Caesar's Palace have just given Penn the grand prize that Trump denied him. Today they donated $250,000 to Penn's charity, Opportunity Village. Penn has won... if not Celebrity Apprentice, then something else equally important, at least to him.
Well done, sir. It's been a pleasure watching you. But don't get mad at Clay for beating you in a reality show. Really, this thing has been on for years. Please tell me you knew what you were in for when you came?
I also have a hubpages account. I keep talking about how I've actually met the man.
Visit my hubpage to hear the whole story.
While a lot of the Clay Nation is kind of mad at Penn right now because of his Clay Aiken song I... thought it wasn't really that mean, thought it was funny, and think it was a compliment that Clay is the one person this remarkable man really remembers from his time on Celebrity Apprentice.
Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Winning by a Nose Part One
I broke this into two parts today because this week, since most of the followers of this portion of my blob are Clay Aiken fans, I am going to have to cover the whole nerve-wracking business of how he managed not to get fired this week. I will be completely honest: I knew who was out ahead of time this week, or I might have ended up hiding under my sofa
How did he dance his way out of this one? Which of these guys is more like Houdini? It begins as the contestants file into Trump's Office of Doom, which I guess we should be grateful is not plated in gold like his apartment is. For a guy who blanked out during his big presentation, Clay seems awfully happy. He thinks his team really pulled together, and he can't choose a star. Actually, I suspect it is tactical on his part that he chose not to pick a star; he could not choose himself, and Lisa did not earn it. He needed very badly not to overpraise the other two, so he did not. He just says everybody is incredible, and renders that word generic.
Lisa calls Clay one of the top two project managers she has ever worked with, and she didn't even work with him on the Crystal Light assignment. It makes me wonder what he did that got that assessment from her - what did we not see? Did he perform better than they told us he did? Or was she trying to sway the decision in their favor? Of course, she said Aubrey was the other one. Maybe she meant it.
Lisa thinks Dayana killed it, too. I suspect this is true, since all she had to do was look beautiful and suggest nude photography. Twice. She suggested a takeaway, too, but that happened too late. Trump says both teams did well, although I don't think it's true and I don't think he really believed that. He does point out that this was virtually a tie. The winner won by... a nose.
Trump turns to Aubrey and the bullbleep factory begins production. Oh, my team is supportive, oh, we are like family, oh, I'm lying like a rug and I'd stab my own mother in the back to get on your good side, oh Mighty Trump. May I have the winner's trophy now? Whattdya mean your son is totally onto me? Can he be onto me? Will he come onto me?
Donald moves closer to his prey. What did you think of your team? Who did the work? Was it really everybody? Do you mean that? Arsenio is still in the nicey nicey Pollyanna mode that usually graces the Board Room right before the knives come out. He praises Teresa for painting in a silk blouse and running in pumps. She may not have much common sense, but she sure does try to help and damned the paint stains.
Donald stirs the pot. Isn't Teresa nice? She's underrated, she works hard, she's nice until you insult her. Why, has somebody been insulting Teresa, Mr. Trump? Whoever could it be?
Let's let the vultures fly above our heads for a minute or two as we look at the work that each team did. Clay and his crew get to observe the cardboard dollhouse that Aubrey's team set up, and it really hits me a day later that this ad is not only amateurish, but it doesn't really make any sense. How does a profile looking at a really bad skyline indicate success, and what does either have to do with instincts? Aye, what a mess. Then they get to look at the little brochure, and it's much better. I suspect this is when the cold grip really begins to clutch at Clay's stomach. Uh oh.
Arsenio looks at Forte's much more professional display and goes into BFF mode. Clay did a great job! Let him stay, Trump! Fire somebody else! Take Aubrey, we don't want her! And Dayana is beautiful. (Don't hate her because she's beautiful, Lisa.)
Aubrey realizes that approximately forty-five seconds have passed since anybody spoke about her, and feels this needs to be fixed. We got Eric to be our model! He was a great model! Almost as great as YOU would have been, because we like your hair better. Sir. Just one moment while I get all the brown flakes off my nose. Eric will be quite happy to wipe the brown flakes off your nose, Aubrey, and when he's done he will make you eat them. Eric quite calmly informs the entire Board Room that Aubrey has been representing herself as a one-person team.
Teresa turns to ice, and Eric is now my favorite Trump, poaching violations notwithstanding.
Aubrey backtracks so fast she leaves skid marks on the table. Oh, no! I didn't say that! I... uh, it was really early in the task, yeah, that's right, and they really did help...
"It could be insulting" says Trump. He lives to make people fight with each other. Arsenio doesn't like being minimized, especially by a woman who has never really ever accomplished anything. He felt he contributed... see, he found this quote from Donald Trump...
Aubrey jerks like she just got shot. Nononononononononononono my idea. Mine. All mine. No help. Just me. Only me. Arsenio did not help. Yes, he found your quote, but it was all me. Only me. This was not a collaboration, and we did not work together. I was always thinking about you, you successful businessman, Trump. Oh, and by the way, any old hack can have a pretty girl snuggled up against a suit. We have tacky fake buildings!
As Aubrey burns all her bridges for the rest of her life, Eric delivers the verdict.
Report Card for Forte- beautiful photography, beautiful tie, beautiful girl, beautiful display well-constructed.
The slogan sucked. Pompous. Not representative of the brand. At his point, Penn's face falls a thousand miles and I swear to God I saw wheels in Clay's head spinning so fast he could have entered himself as a new racecar for the Andrettis. The photo was too much bigger than the product, and you know that slogan they HATED? That slogan that they HATED was too hard to see. Terrible food, and such tiny portions! But they liked the picture! Let's give Dayana credit for being pretty... God knows she normally get abuse from Lisa for it. Dayana points out that Penn took the picture; she knows where this is going and she's chosen her scapegoat.
So, dance, Clay. Dance. What do you think about the pros and cons? Well... dance, dance, dance... it doesn't make sense that the picture was too big if the picture was the best part, right? Oh, yes, and we almost undressed Lisa and put her in a tie. Inject humor, dance, dance, dance. Remember, I am funny. Don't you want to keep sharp-witted, funny people around, Donald? And don't forget humble and self-deprecating. We did not use Penn or myself in the ad... we used a professional. See how professional we are?
Dance, Clay! You are singing for your life here, and it's obvious you know it. Boring? A pretty girl in a ad for cologne is boring? It's been done before? Uh... but how can Dayana be boring? I think she's exciting, and I'm gay! And I can finally say that now on National TV, and it won't kill my career or my chances to win this show! I hope. I hope. I hope.
As for the trophy girlfriend pose... Dayana suggests that there is a loving feeling about it. Since we can't see the guy at all, it looks very impersonal to me, by the way. My biggest problem with this ad was that it was sexist as hell... and most of the elements that made it so were Penn's ideas, the ideas that Clay didn't really like.
Trump turns to Penn. OK, Penn. DANCE!!! Who came up with that slogan? The slogan they hated? It was me. That was my idea. Uh, oh, wait, you didn't like it... uh... we all worked on this together, yeah, and we came up with a lot of things. We all liked this best. Yes, OK, I guess it was pompous, even though it wasn't... I'm not pompous. I'm condescending, and for the next year I plan on being bitter. And I will turn the bitterness into a song and release it on I-tunes. And I will be so mush-mouthed nobody will be able to understand it.
Report card for Unanimous:
- They LOVED the slogan. It captures the essence of the brand. Yes, I would hope that a cologne would capture an essence. The branding was great, the takeaways were great. So basically, you would be extremely impressed with the wonderful pamphlets on the display if you actually stopped to look at the amateurish, boring display that was supposed to be the primary focus of the task. It was disjointed, it didn't make any sense, and the silhouette was... unappealing.
This is like saying that the construction of the house was shoddy, and it's about to fall down, but it's got some great decorations on the front porch.
The execs had a hard time choosing here, because both teams screwed up royally. Crappy display, crappy slogan. Unfortunately, somebody has to win and lose this thing. Who came up with the silhouette.. was that Aubrey? Of course it was. She's a one-person team all by herself, right? Dance, Aubrey! Dance! I came up with the slogan, no, Arsenio did not help, and I did the branding and you loved those and can I say right now how much I've always admired you and how classy you are?
Teresa, DANCE! The silhouette is Everyman! OK, he's EveryTrump!! And I am such a hard worker I will paint in a silk blouse!
Trump slams the table like a petulant toddler. He's tiring of his little game. Boy, I hate the Board Room part of this show. Trump wanted to make a grand gesture by giving somebody a hundred grand so that he could look like Santa Clause. "The problem is..." I see Clay's face shift noticeably. Unfortunately, the problem is that everybody screwed up. so he can't give that windfall to one charity. We do not have a real winner here. Get off your high horse, Aubrey. But Trump wanted to be Santa Clause! He wanted to be Santa Clause! So guess what! He's going to be Santa Clause anyway! YOU get $10,000 and YOU get $10,000 and YOU get $10,000... and the winning PM gets $40,000.
Would you like to know who won, Clay? Are you sure, Clay? It wasn't you, Clay. You see, Aubrey is the only player left who hasn't won for her charity, and she's really good TV, so we have to keep her around for a little longer. As Aubrey shrieks with delight and babbles about how she's fighting bullies... Aubrey's charity... fights bullies.... yeah... Clay's quick little mind has gone into serious overdrive.
Unanimous goes out to celebrate. They praise themselves, they praise the Trumps, they enjoy the wine, and Aubrey informs the camera that it's all Teresa and Arsenio's fault that she didn't get the full $100,000 all to herself. If she'd had SMART people on HER team...
We all would like to thank Teresa and Arsenio for not being smart people, or something like that, because if this bitch had won $100,000 she'd have been impossible to bear... except that the awful display design was all your baby, brat. You didn't allow anybody else to contribute, even when they did.
DANCE CLAY! DANCE! I am surprised we lost because our display is good enough to go downstairs in Macy's.... I mean, SERIOUSLY??????
Hint, Hint. They hated Penn's slogan, Clay. I am feeding this to you very, very pointedly. Pay close attention. For about fifteen seconds there, Trump has begun answering the questions for Clay. I didn't catch it the first time, but I did tonight. Uh, I was leading by consensus.... BEEP! WRONG ANSWER! TRY AGAIN! I have won seven times in a row. There's a reason, you know.. Yeah, he knows, Clay. He's toying with you. He wants to you to get out of here unscathed. So, was it wise of Clay to lead by consensus? Uh... Penn's pitch was strong, strong, have a mentioned that he's six foot seven inches tall? Penn pitched the idea, and he pitched it again, it was Penn's idea that he pitched... did I mention that it was Penn?
Dayana was beautiful, was she not... but too big. Not enough product. Why did the picture overshadow the product? We used every single bottle we had! Hey, can you blame us for having a more attractive display? Oh, it was everybody's idea. Not just mine. I swear.
Why did Lisa like Dayana's work this week? Because it involved her sitting around looking pretty. Maybe she did better because the PM listens to people instead of shutting them up and screaming at them? Oh, and did anybody want to do a takeaway? You did? Who said no?
DANCE, CLAY! DANCE! I.... didn't understand her.... (Sorry, sweetie, but I am not buying this one.)
Who gets to escape?
Well, you said that they hated the slogan, and then you said it again, and you made sure that I heard that, so I know I'd better choose Penn to come with me because if you throw me any more hints I am going to suffocate under them. Oh, and I am taking Dayana back with me because that's pretty much what everybody does. Maybe there's a reason. She's aloof. Oooh boy, I'm in a bad spot... this is the best Dayana has been in weeks... but let's look at the overall picture...
Clay chooses Lisa to escape. As he explains later in his blog, he chose Lisa to escape because she's a better debater than Dayana and she holds grudges. He knew the axe would fall on either Penn or himself, and he chose the peripheral adversary he would have an easier time neutralizing. This is the moment at which Celebrity Apprentice turns into Survivor, and it's the moment at which Penn Jillette cannot or will not continue the game and Clay Aiken can. Decide for yourself if you feel this is a good thing.
This is actually why I don't enjoy the Board Room.
It's interesting. The editing was one thing, but the moment Lisa escaped to the snacks in the lobby, she said "I'm afraid Penn's gone." I wonder if Lisa picked up on the same vibe from Trump that I did, or did she know things we did not? It is also funny that they start debating why they fear that Dayana will not be going home, and Aubrey suggests that Lisa not praise her anymore. The entire debate is whether or not Dayana or Penn is going home. They seemed to think Clay was safe.
The suits confer. Penn came up with slogan. Clay didn't stop him. That's the beginning and end of it. And consider this: if the end of the debate was always "The Project Manager approved it" then there would be no need for a Board Room. The Project Manager would always lose.
Clay explains that he brought Dayana back because he thinks she's the weakest player going forward, and that's true. Why didn't I create a takeaway? Because I focused my attention on making an attractive display that might actually, you know, convince somebody to buy something, instead of on instant litter in a crappy display. Who should you fire? Fire... Penn. He's brilliant, he's creative, I respect him, he can win this,he's a formidable adversary and I've got to throw him under the bus to stay alive here. I'm going to compliment him and praise him because to my eternal credit I do not play this game the way that Aubrey does, but better him than me! Fire Penn! Fire Penn! Oh... and by the way, Penn... it was your turn to be the PM and I did it instead because you tried to dodge the hot seat on a task that wasn't your strong suit. I'VE GOT THE BIGGER BALLS!
Indeed.
Success.
Game. Set. Match.
Penn Jillette is fired, and Clay lives to dance another day. Penn will now spend the next six months insisting he's above it all, perfectly fine with what happened, and making a steady series of little public snipes at Clay because he's clearly kind of annoyed at how this all went down.
Yes, Penn, you are quite correct. You were a brilliant player of Celebrity Apprentice, you seem to be a fine, stand-up guy, and we will miss you as we look around and realize you have been outlasted by..
Teresa the dim-witted.
Dayana the moderately talented.
Lisa the hateful.
and Aubrey the narcissist.
Clay... was better at Survivor, and he is a little better at Tribal Council than you are. I would like to mention in an addendum that Caesar's Palace have just given Penn the grand prize that Trump denied him. Today they donated $250,000 to Penn's charity, Opportunity Village. Penn has won... if not Celebrity Apprentice, then something else equally important, at least to him.
Well done, sir. It's been a pleasure watching you. But don't get mad at Clay for beating you in a reality show. Really, this thing has been on for years. Please tell me you knew what you were in for when you came?
I also have a hubpages account. I keep talking about how I've actually met the man.
Visit my hubpage to hear the whole story.
While a lot of the Clay Nation is kind of mad at Penn right now because of his Clay Aiken song I... thought it wasn't really that mean, thought it was funny, and think it was a compliment that Clay is the one person this remarkable man really remembers from his time on Celebrity Apprentice.
Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Winning By a Nose, Part One: The Task
Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Winning By a Nose.
Part One: The Task.
Wow.
This one is going to be hard tonight. I have very mixed feelings going forward as I recap this episode. One of the feelings is absolutely relief, to be sure, but it's a bit rueful. Remember, I've actually met Penn Jillette, and I will understand if he feels he got a raw deal here. I am not entirely sure exactly how Clay escaped this week, and I am sorry if this makes me a bad Claymate. I will not let my bias influence my judgement. But relieved? You betcha I am.
Well, Clay has been eliminated more than once when he should have gotten to stay. Maybe his karma earned him a squeak-by. And I think it's pretty clear he wanted to win more than Penn did. I think this round was won and lost in the Board Room. Possibly smart argument is one of the important skills of the winning Celebrity Apprentice. Hey, it's just like Tribal Council. Because Clay survived this round with his performance in the Board Room, I have to cover Trump's little staff meeting very completely this week and can't skim over it like I usually do, so I will have to write this in two parts, finishing the Board Room tomorrow.
Forte is waiting for the results, speculating on who will go home. Lisa promises the camera that she will be sugar and rainbows to Dayana from now on, so help her Trump. Arsenio is busy pointing out why a guy who can put together a motorcycle is more skilled and helpful than a woman who can flip over a table when the two survivors straggle out of the board room to the chagrin of many. Arsenio is downright disgusted; he's lost Paul, the only person on his team he can stomach. Aubrey icily informs the camera that she does not have anyone's back, and she will spend the next hour proving this quite horribly.
Lisa gives the $20,000 she won to the Gay Men's Health Crisis. Later that day, Trump invites the seven remaining players to visit his apartment. I am impressed to see that he's managed to import the Hall of Mirrors from the Palace of Versailles to New York City. Boy, this was ostentatious. Now he's just showing off. Not only is he showing off his money, but he's showing off his tie, which somehow ties into the new task: create a display that shows off a new men's fragrance, called. "Success." The exec very clearly states that this task will be judged on:
- Creativity of the slogan.
- Brand Messaging.
- In-store display presentation.
Aubrey chooses to be project manager because it's her turn. Clay gets to be the other project manager because Penn does not feel this task plays to his strengths. Cologne, of course, is something Clay knows.... not much about either, actually. Penn would like to wait for something he'd be good at.
Trump is feeling extra specially generous today, and he wants to be really flattered and wowed, so he tells the teams that he will raise the $20,000 prize to $100,000 if they can come up with something really special.
So... what do successful men like most? Well, with ten percent being notable exceptions, (including Clay) successful men tend to like beautiful women. Everybody on Forte agrees. Dayana seems to be really into the idea of photographing somebody nude, and Penn really wants to create a picture where Dayana poses against his tie. Penn really wants to do this. He really really wants to. Clay really really wants to know why Penn, who has not been PM since Medieval Times, made Clay be PM again this week if Penn's going to push all these ideas. It's as if Penn wants all the power and none of the blame.
Dayana gets to be the face of the girl! She finally gets to be in front of the camera, YAY! Penn wants to be the guy who poses with Dayana... Clay looks at the abnormally large man across from him and considers his own unathletic physique, and says... yeah, let's get a normal-sized professional in here. Dayana again asks to be naked. Nope, Clay's not interested in getting Dayana naked. That doesn't say "success." That says "sleazy." Then Dayana talks so fast Clay can't understand her, which is something Lisa warned us about with the improv last week. I said that understanding an accent requires effort and respect, and Clay does offer both as he asks her to repeat herself, but she won't.
Aubrey likes the smell of Success. No kidding. She asks Arsenio to look up definitions for the word and asks Teresa research displays. What is success? What does that word mean? How do you measure it? Arsenio's definition of success is pretty materialistic and simple; Aubrey decides that such mundane considerations cannot possibly be worthy of the great Donald Trump, who lives in a gold-plated apartment. She personally measures success by how much other's lives are improved by what you do. Ahhh... that sounds great for the cameras, hon, but I don't buy that you believe that. Arsenio feels her steamroll go over his head again, and he still doesn't like it.
The executives arrive to advise both teams about the directions they should go with the task. Arsenio notices that Aubrey is trying to convince the executives that she is the only creative person on the team. Just wait, man, because it's going to get worse.
Forte is running through slogan ideas. Penn is the one who comes up with the phrase, "You earned it." Clay questions the relevance of this, but he's the only person on the team who does not like the slogan... and this may very well have saved his butt... so he leads by consensus, and lets them overrule him. Then, Penn proposes that they create a building set with their poster on the building as a billboard. And then, apparently, he pitches it again. Penn appears to be a little bit intimidating. Yes, I can totally see how that might be the case. Don't forget, I've been in buildings shorter than Penn. He's BIG. Penn basically lays out the entire presentation almost exactly as it finally appeared, and all of a sudden, I am beginning to understand how this episode ended the way it did. This entire campaign had Penn's fingerprints all over it even more than it had Clay's.
Aubrey and Teresa are fumbling over bad slogans while Arsenio looks for Trump quotes. Aubrey suggests "Trust Your Instincts" at almost exactly the time that Arsenio finds the pertinent quote on the Internet, and the group decides that they will trust their instincts and go with this as their slogan. Both Aubrey and Arsenio leave the conversation genuinely certain that they have been the individual who came up with the slogan first. It looks like a collaboration to me, except that Aubrey never, ever collaborates with anybody. Then, Aubrey suggests that they get Eric Trump to pose for the display as a silhouette of his father, gazing at the skyline. They have to get some pictures of that skyline! They get in the van to get the pictures, and Aubrey asks Arsenio to hoist her on his shoulders so she can get a better photo. Arsenio admits freely to the audience that he contemplated the possible consequences of dropping her... it's probably better that he did not do that, but damn, it would have been entertaining.
Penn explains the layout of the cityscape to the fabricators, and Clay realizes that he is having some trouble conceptualizing what is to happen spatially in the display. He is, however, fairly sure that the tableau of Penn and Dayana posing for the cover reminds him too much of a romance. novel. Oh, Clay, just remember... it won't be Penn, and anyway, we can't see the guy's face.
Aubrey manages to convince Eric Trump to pose for the display and then she selects materials that would work for the display. She sends Arsenio and Teresa out to collect the actual materials, a fundamentally important task, and then informs the camera that she's sent them out to do busy work because they aren't helpful to her in creative work. Arsenio seems to think that's because she won't listen to a single word anybody else says. Hmmmmmm...... Arsenio has already figured out that Aubrey has sent them out, not to complete a task, but to leave her alone to scheme and to insult them continuously to the camera.
It also gives her some alone time with Eric Trump. As she photographs his profile, she flirts with very transparently and he is soooooooo onto her crap. Then she begins explaining how she is the only creative person on her team... maybe on any team... maybe in the entire world.. and he calls her an interesting person. Tactful guy, that Eric. Eric asks a few probing questions that are pretty clearly designed to give her a big enough shovel to bury herself, and she's too narcissistic and short-sighted to realize it. Aubrey is very careful to explain that Teresa, the less talented and threatening of her two teammates, is marginally more helpful at peon tasks than that awful Arsenio guy. Eric tells us exactly what she's doing: If they win, she will take every ounce of credit, and if they lose she will blame them for being no help. He knows exactly what's up, and it is now very clear to me that Aubrey is edited as the show's villain and she's going to have a very spectacular fall.
Over at Forte, Dayana has become frustrated with some dithering on Clay's part. It is nightfall, and the deadline approaches when Dayana realizes they need some kind of flyer or other kind of takeaway for the display. Clay decides they don't have time to waste on that, and this was a decision that could, quite rightly, have sent him home. I will not sugarcoat that regardless of my loyalties. I am really quite proud of him for admitting this mistake in his recap, "Clay's Take." Meanwhile, we actually see Aubrey creating the smell tabs and pamphlet for her team.
Lisa peeks at Unanimous' display: Cityscapes seem to be the order of the day. Dayana sniffs because they are falling behind in getting the work done, and Clay begins to realize he will have to point the finger at somebody if they lose. I wonder how long he spent pondering this ugly but necessary consideration.
Morning at Macy's: Unanimous arrives to ooh and ah at their backdrop, a fairly cheesy fake cityscape with little shelves to put the cologne on. It looks like something talented high school students could make for their school musical scenery. There are little brochures. Aubrey is so proud of herself she wants to give herself a raise, a promotion and a big fat bonus check of $100,000 because she's just so awesome. She's a mini-Tramp! Er, mini-Trump!
Over at Forte, they've created an elegant, grown-up display that actually looks like it was created by professionals. There are no little brochures. Dayana sees a couple of small blemishes that I did not quite make out. At any rate, that was not an issue in the end.
Aubrey sweetly informs George Ross that they have already won the task, and her face freezes as he assures her that she does not know that for sure. "Rolls Royce grills" he says immediately, indicating that he was as unimpressed with the backdrop as I was. The little cardboard cutout of Eric's head is ever so cheesy as well. George doesn't think it even looks like Donald. Aresenio can tell there is blood in the water, the display proper is not good, and no amount of cheerleading by Aubrey can change that.
That being said, Aubrey comes to the actual presentation with a strong sense of entitlement. She is well-prepared and polished, but the execs do not look excited. She also puts Arsenio on the spot. Arsenio ties success back to his own children, hands out pamphlets, and discusses the price. Teresa hands out smell sticks. They clearly thought this part of the project out clearly and everybody has a role to play.
The execs then come to Forte, where the elegant display itself... is the only thing they get right. Clay gives a short spiel explaining the concept for the art, and then...
"Keep going" says the exec. Clay has nothing else prepared to say. No pamphlets. He has smell sticks, but they have not highlighted them well. He looks like he just bit into a lemon by mistake. Lisa grimaces. She knows he's in trouble. OK, Clay... remember all those great improv skills you showed us last week? HIT IT! All he can really do, though, is repeat himself. Nobody else on the team has anything to say, either.
The execs didn't really love either display. Unanimous had a good slogan and pamphlets built into the display, but that display itself... uh....
Forte created a stunning picture. It represented the brand well. They thought the slogan was pompous. Pompous. Penn. Well, yeah... They could not find the slogan on the display. If they could combine Forte's art with Unanimous' slogan and takeaways, they might have actually had something here.
Celebrity Apprentice: Winning By a Nose Part Two: The Board Room
Part One: The Task.
Wow.
This one is going to be hard tonight. I have very mixed feelings going forward as I recap this episode. One of the feelings is absolutely relief, to be sure, but it's a bit rueful. Remember, I've actually met Penn Jillette, and I will understand if he feels he got a raw deal here. I am not entirely sure exactly how Clay escaped this week, and I am sorry if this makes me a bad Claymate. I will not let my bias influence my judgement. But relieved? You betcha I am.
Well, Clay has been eliminated more than once when he should have gotten to stay. Maybe his karma earned him a squeak-by. And I think it's pretty clear he wanted to win more than Penn did. I think this round was won and lost in the Board Room. Possibly smart argument is one of the important skills of the winning Celebrity Apprentice. Hey, it's just like Tribal Council. Because Clay survived this round with his performance in the Board Room, I have to cover Trump's little staff meeting very completely this week and can't skim over it like I usually do, so I will have to write this in two parts, finishing the Board Room tomorrow.
Forte is waiting for the results, speculating on who will go home. Lisa promises the camera that she will be sugar and rainbows to Dayana from now on, so help her Trump. Arsenio is busy pointing out why a guy who can put together a motorcycle is more skilled and helpful than a woman who can flip over a table when the two survivors straggle out of the board room to the chagrin of many. Arsenio is downright disgusted; he's lost Paul, the only person on his team he can stomach. Aubrey icily informs the camera that she does not have anyone's back, and she will spend the next hour proving this quite horribly.
Lisa gives the $20,000 she won to the Gay Men's Health Crisis. Later that day, Trump invites the seven remaining players to visit his apartment. I am impressed to see that he's managed to import the Hall of Mirrors from the Palace of Versailles to New York City. Boy, this was ostentatious. Now he's just showing off. Not only is he showing off his money, but he's showing off his tie, which somehow ties into the new task: create a display that shows off a new men's fragrance, called. "Success." The exec very clearly states that this task will be judged on:
- Creativity of the slogan.
- Brand Messaging.
- In-store display presentation.
Aubrey chooses to be project manager because it's her turn. Clay gets to be the other project manager because Penn does not feel this task plays to his strengths. Cologne, of course, is something Clay knows.... not much about either, actually. Penn would like to wait for something he'd be good at.
Trump is feeling extra specially generous today, and he wants to be really flattered and wowed, so he tells the teams that he will raise the $20,000 prize to $100,000 if they can come up with something really special.
So... what do successful men like most? Well, with ten percent being notable exceptions, (including Clay) successful men tend to like beautiful women. Everybody on Forte agrees. Dayana seems to be really into the idea of photographing somebody nude, and Penn really wants to create a picture where Dayana poses against his tie. Penn really wants to do this. He really really wants to. Clay really really wants to know why Penn, who has not been PM since Medieval Times, made Clay be PM again this week if Penn's going to push all these ideas. It's as if Penn wants all the power and none of the blame.
Dayana gets to be the face of the girl! She finally gets to be in front of the camera, YAY! Penn wants to be the guy who poses with Dayana... Clay looks at the abnormally large man across from him and considers his own unathletic physique, and says... yeah, let's get a normal-sized professional in here. Dayana again asks to be naked. Nope, Clay's not interested in getting Dayana naked. That doesn't say "success." That says "sleazy." Then Dayana talks so fast Clay can't understand her, which is something Lisa warned us about with the improv last week. I said that understanding an accent requires effort and respect, and Clay does offer both as he asks her to repeat herself, but she won't.
Aubrey likes the smell of Success. No kidding. She asks Arsenio to look up definitions for the word and asks Teresa research displays. What is success? What does that word mean? How do you measure it? Arsenio's definition of success is pretty materialistic and simple; Aubrey decides that such mundane considerations cannot possibly be worthy of the great Donald Trump, who lives in a gold-plated apartment. She personally measures success by how much other's lives are improved by what you do. Ahhh... that sounds great for the cameras, hon, but I don't buy that you believe that. Arsenio feels her steamroll go over his head again, and he still doesn't like it.
The executives arrive to advise both teams about the directions they should go with the task. Arsenio notices that Aubrey is trying to convince the executives that she is the only creative person on the team. Just wait, man, because it's going to get worse.
Forte is running through slogan ideas. Penn is the one who comes up with the phrase, "You earned it." Clay questions the relevance of this, but he's the only person on the team who does not like the slogan... and this may very well have saved his butt... so he leads by consensus, and lets them overrule him. Then, Penn proposes that they create a building set with their poster on the building as a billboard. And then, apparently, he pitches it again. Penn appears to be a little bit intimidating. Yes, I can totally see how that might be the case. Don't forget, I've been in buildings shorter than Penn. He's BIG. Penn basically lays out the entire presentation almost exactly as it finally appeared, and all of a sudden, I am beginning to understand how this episode ended the way it did. This entire campaign had Penn's fingerprints all over it even more than it had Clay's.
Aubrey and Teresa are fumbling over bad slogans while Arsenio looks for Trump quotes. Aubrey suggests "Trust Your Instincts" at almost exactly the time that Arsenio finds the pertinent quote on the Internet, and the group decides that they will trust their instincts and go with this as their slogan. Both Aubrey and Arsenio leave the conversation genuinely certain that they have been the individual who came up with the slogan first. It looks like a collaboration to me, except that Aubrey never, ever collaborates with anybody. Then, Aubrey suggests that they get Eric Trump to pose for the display as a silhouette of his father, gazing at the skyline. They have to get some pictures of that skyline! They get in the van to get the pictures, and Aubrey asks Arsenio to hoist her on his shoulders so she can get a better photo. Arsenio admits freely to the audience that he contemplated the possible consequences of dropping her... it's probably better that he did not do that, but damn, it would have been entertaining.
Penn explains the layout of the cityscape to the fabricators, and Clay realizes that he is having some trouble conceptualizing what is to happen spatially in the display. He is, however, fairly sure that the tableau of Penn and Dayana posing for the cover reminds him too much of a romance. novel. Oh, Clay, just remember... it won't be Penn, and anyway, we can't see the guy's face.
Aubrey manages to convince Eric Trump to pose for the display and then she selects materials that would work for the display. She sends Arsenio and Teresa out to collect the actual materials, a fundamentally important task, and then informs the camera that she's sent them out to do busy work because they aren't helpful to her in creative work. Arsenio seems to think that's because she won't listen to a single word anybody else says. Hmmmmmm...... Arsenio has already figured out that Aubrey has sent them out, not to complete a task, but to leave her alone to scheme and to insult them continuously to the camera.
It also gives her some alone time with Eric Trump. As she photographs his profile, she flirts with very transparently and he is soooooooo onto her crap. Then she begins explaining how she is the only creative person on her team... maybe on any team... maybe in the entire world.. and he calls her an interesting person. Tactful guy, that Eric. Eric asks a few probing questions that are pretty clearly designed to give her a big enough shovel to bury herself, and she's too narcissistic and short-sighted to realize it. Aubrey is very careful to explain that Teresa, the less talented and threatening of her two teammates, is marginally more helpful at peon tasks than that awful Arsenio guy. Eric tells us exactly what she's doing: If they win, she will take every ounce of credit, and if they lose she will blame them for being no help. He knows exactly what's up, and it is now very clear to me that Aubrey is edited as the show's villain and she's going to have a very spectacular fall.
Over at Forte, Dayana has become frustrated with some dithering on Clay's part. It is nightfall, and the deadline approaches when Dayana realizes they need some kind of flyer or other kind of takeaway for the display. Clay decides they don't have time to waste on that, and this was a decision that could, quite rightly, have sent him home. I will not sugarcoat that regardless of my loyalties. I am really quite proud of him for admitting this mistake in his recap, "Clay's Take." Meanwhile, we actually see Aubrey creating the smell tabs and pamphlet for her team.
Lisa peeks at Unanimous' display: Cityscapes seem to be the order of the day. Dayana sniffs because they are falling behind in getting the work done, and Clay begins to realize he will have to point the finger at somebody if they lose. I wonder how long he spent pondering this ugly but necessary consideration.
Morning at Macy's: Unanimous arrives to ooh and ah at their backdrop, a fairly cheesy fake cityscape with little shelves to put the cologne on. It looks like something talented high school students could make for their school musical scenery. There are little brochures. Aubrey is so proud of herself she wants to give herself a raise, a promotion and a big fat bonus check of $100,000 because she's just so awesome. She's a mini-Tramp! Er, mini-Trump!
Over at Forte, they've created an elegant, grown-up display that actually looks like it was created by professionals. There are no little brochures. Dayana sees a couple of small blemishes that I did not quite make out. At any rate, that was not an issue in the end.
Aubrey sweetly informs George Ross that they have already won the task, and her face freezes as he assures her that she does not know that for sure. "Rolls Royce grills" he says immediately, indicating that he was as unimpressed with the backdrop as I was. The little cardboard cutout of Eric's head is ever so cheesy as well. George doesn't think it even looks like Donald. Aresenio can tell there is blood in the water, the display proper is not good, and no amount of cheerleading by Aubrey can change that.
That being said, Aubrey comes to the actual presentation with a strong sense of entitlement. She is well-prepared and polished, but the execs do not look excited. She also puts Arsenio on the spot. Arsenio ties success back to his own children, hands out pamphlets, and discusses the price. Teresa hands out smell sticks. They clearly thought this part of the project out clearly and everybody has a role to play.
The execs then come to Forte, where the elegant display itself... is the only thing they get right. Clay gives a short spiel explaining the concept for the art, and then...
"Keep going" says the exec. Clay has nothing else prepared to say. No pamphlets. He has smell sticks, but they have not highlighted them well. He looks like he just bit into a lemon by mistake. Lisa grimaces. She knows he's in trouble. OK, Clay... remember all those great improv skills you showed us last week? HIT IT! All he can really do, though, is repeat himself. Nobody else on the team has anything to say, either.
The execs didn't really love either display. Unanimous had a good slogan and pamphlets built into the display, but that display itself... uh....
Forte created a stunning picture. It represented the brand well. They thought the slogan was pompous. Pompous. Penn. Well, yeah... They could not find the slogan on the display. If they could combine Forte's art with Unanimous' slogan and takeaways, they might have actually had something here.
Celebrity Apprentice: Winning By a Nose Part Two: The Board Room
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Legend of Korra Recap: A Leaf In the Wind
The Legend of Korra: A Leaf in the Wind
In a grainy newsreel like the ones your grandparents used to watch at the Saturday afternoon picture show, Republic City announces the arrival of their newest citizen, Avatar Korra. After being secluded in the South for many years, this master of water, earth and fire will be learning airbending from Master Tenzin, the son of the great Avatar Aang. Will he be able to tame this hot-headed teen?
Well, certainly not by banning her from professional bending matches, although he certainly tries. It turns out that Korra is absolutely nuts about the sport. As the story begins, she's got a newspaper and she's eagerly calling out the juicy details of the latest matches. She wants to go see them live. Can we, Tenzin? Huh? Huh? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeese?
Avatar Aang was a joyful, exuberant boy who had a funny habit of breaking stuffy rules. Remember, this is the guy who taught kids in the Fire Nation to dance during secret meetings in the dead of night. Unfortunately, Tenzin does not share his father's passion for life-improving anarchy.
Tenzin... is a stick in the mud. No, she can't go to the pro-bending fights. This bending thing is much too important to waste on something like fun. Korra gets to stay on the island, watched closely by guards, concentrating on her very important studies and going slowly bonkers with boredom.
Good luck with that, Master Tenzin. She's a teenager. This is not going to work. I do find it very funny that while she was in Republic City, she wanted nothing but to reach the island. Now that she's on the island...
As they take a calm, meditative walk through the calm, meditative garden, Korra explains that air is the only element that does not come easily to her... PFFFFFFFT! Not a very calm, meditative noise. Tenzin explains that each Avater often finds that it's hardest to master the element that differs the most from his or her own personality. Aang had trouble with earthbending; Korra can't do airbending. Tenzin has just the practice place for her. At first it seems like a simple enough maze of delicate little asian gates. All she has to do is walk through the maze without touching any of them. Piece of cake.
There's a catch. Tenzin sets the winds upon them, and suddenly all of them are spinning rapidly like blender blades. Tenzin tells Korra to be like a leaf, which he sends floating delicately through the spinners, twirling at every breath of resistance. Jinora, whom I realize looks an awful lot like Mai, offers to demonstrate the correct technique, and she twirls gracefully through the maze in a series of spiral movements, changing direction as she hits resistance from the air moving in the gates.
OK, it's so easy a little kid can do it! Korra charges is, and finds herself being bumped and slammed from gate to gate as the children shout encouragement. "Don't force your way through!" "Be the leaf!" Unfortunately, all Korra can do is be a human pinball in her own personal bally table of shame, and each spinning gate is a bumper that bangs her around. After the second attempt, she gets knocked out. Game over, no extra ball. Tenzin is not pleased.
As night falls, Korra is trying to force the air to move for her and getting nowhere when she hears the sweet, sweet sound of fun in the distance. Some of the guards are listening to a pro-bending match on the radio, and after a moment, so is Korra, hiding on the roof. The Fire Ferrets are involved in a really exciting match, and just when it's getting good... the radio shuts off.
It's Tenzin. BUSTED! Korra argues that Tenzin said she could not attend a match... he didn't say she couldn't listen to one. Tenzin grumbles something about bedtime, which reminds me that his own children are all under the age of ten. Lucky Korra gets to be the oldest kid who softens up the rules for everybody else.
Does anybody else here think it's sad that Aang never met any of his grandchildren? Korra is older than all of them. Tenzin must have gotten started late. Maybe Tenzin has nephews and nieces who got to know their grandpa.
The next day, Tenzin and his students practice meditating. Well, Tenzin and his daughters meditate. Korra is wiggling and scratching herself; she thinks she's doing it wrong. Meelo has gone to sleep. Tenzin talks about airbending as the discipline of freedom to a girl who is under virtual house arrest and forbidden to listen to the radio; he promises that all these lessons that mean nothing now will just click.
Now, here's the bad thing about stifling the freedom of a teenager who just happens to be the Avatar... she has ways of getting away. In the dead of night, Waterbender Korra jumps into the sea and swims away from her airbending prison to the place where the action is. It's lucky the pro - bending arena is so close to the Airbending temple, huh? Korra jumps aboard the arena and begins looking around. She appears to be backstage; when a grumpy old fight manager starts grumbling at her for trespassing, it's clear that she is. Fortunately, a cute guy is passing by to hear the old guy yelling at her, and he steps in to save the day. He's been looking all over for her! She's with him! Well, no, not WITH him, with him, but... OK, goody, grumblepuss went away. Korra's new benefactor appears to be rather used to saving girls from the bouncers and then showing them around; his next move is to impress her with a ring-side view of the official arena itself. He also introduces himself; his name is Bolin. Before they can get any further down this road, however, Bolin's very intense and serious brother intervenes. This is Mako, and he wants Bolin to stop showing fangirls around before matches.
And it hits me. Zuko,is that you? The coloring, the attitude, the chip on the shoulder... it can't be Zuko, but it makes me wonder if he's the reincarnation. Bolin is very much like Sokka. I see a trend developing here. At any rate, Bolin decides to introduce Korra instead of throwing her out... but Mako is completely uninterested in shaking her hand. He is not a Manners Bender.
And then... the match is on. Pro Firebending is a sport in which teams of three benders, each proficient at a different element, form a team intent on forcing members of the opposing team off a platform and into the water. Every official error moves a player closer to the edge of the platform and out of the game. Mako and Bolin are on the Fire Ferrets, and they are taking on the Golden Temple Tigerdillos. Mako is a star player, but their teammate Hasook isn't playing very well and the Ferrets lose round one. They storm back to victory in round two, but round three begins with a disaster; one of the Tigerdillos takes out both Hasook and Bolin with one great shot. Mako is the only one left, and he's playing one against three. Does he stand any chance at all?
This is a hero's journey. Of course he's got a chance. It's the Tigerdillos that don't. He's weaving! He's bobbing! He's... smart. He's parrying blows without attacking. He's wearing the Tigerdillos out, and when they are completely pooped... that's when Mako makes his moves. It's three on one.. now two on one... now one on one... and now, it's Mako alone, triumphant. Korra gets stars in her eyes. Never mind that he's rude to her and he's doesn't want her around... he can do THAT with his rad skillz in firebending.
Back in the training area, Korra is gushing about the Fire Ferrets, but Mako is grumbling. Hasook nearly cost them the match, and he still won't say a single polite word to Korra. Korra eagerly asks Bolin if he can show her some moves, and Bolin, still eager to impress a pretty girl, agrees... but wait... her clothing clearly suggests she's a waterbender. Bolin is an earthbender...
That's OK. Korra is an earthbender.
Uh...
And a waterbender.
Uh...
And a firebender.
Uh oh....
And the Avatar.
And Mako freely admits he's an idiot. Now it's Bolin's turn to be a fanboy.
Training is soon underway, as Bolin teaches Korra how to hurl rock discs into the net. She's flat-footed... dance a little more. Once again - SCORE! Bolin praises her with huge enthusiasm. Mako offers up a bored "Not bad" which appears to be his highest praise, but not enough for disappointed Korra. How can she impress him? Why does she care so much when Bolin is being nicer to her?
Back at the airbending temple, the twirling gates are still eating Korra for lunch. She's continuing to ping pong her way from gate to gate and bruise to bruise, while Tenzin scolds her to have patience. Finally, she gets one bruise too many and explodes in a round of firebending fury, sending flames bursting everywhere and demolishing the set of air gates. Tenzin stands in shock. "That was a two thousand year old artifact!" The airbending gates survived a hundred years war and the almost complete extermination of the airbenders, but it could not survive Korra's temper tantrum. Oops. Korra deflects attention from her own terrible temper by calling Tenzin a terrible teacher, and storms off. Don't try this at home, kids. You'll be grounded for sure.
Pema is concerned when Korra does not show up for dinner; Tenzin should have been alerted by that. Pema tells him to give Korra space, and Tenzin asks his own children not to let their teenaged years be like Korra's. Jinora, who is already getting the patented pre-teen glare, makes no such promises.
Korra has sneaked back to the probending arena... of course. As she enters the player's area, she sees Bolin and Mako sitting dejected, as if their world was about to crumble. And indeed... it is about to do that. Their waterbender, Hasook, is a no-show. Apparently he has had enough of Mako's insults. That's what happens when you don't play nice with your friends, Mako. They can't play, and therefore, they are out of the tournament... unless... could Korra fill in? It's not cheating if she only uses her waterbending skills.
Of course, Korra does not actually know the rules of the game - at all. Mako sees the problem with this, but Korra overrules him, declares them ready to play, and grabs a uniform. Yes, Mako... she destroyed an artifact earlier today. She's a little crazy. You can thank her later.
As the match starts, Mako tells Korra not to do anything - just keep from getting knocked out of the area. I guess he's decided she's useful as a warm body that allows them to play, but not much else.... and, in the opening seconds of the game, she proves his point by illegally knocking one of the opponents over the side. Instead of executing a star move, she's gotten herself a penalty and has to move back a zone. Again, oops.
The announcer can immediately tell that Korra does not know what she's doing... Foul! Move back to Zone 3 Korra is only seconds into the match, and she's already on the verge of elimination. Of course, in a way she's already done the guys a great service by merely allowing them into the arena, but... The Platypus Bears smell blood. In Round Two, they begin to hit Korra hard, and once again, she loses her temper and has an earthbending tantrum right in the middle of everything, deflecting some rock discs and stopping the match as everyone stares in shock.
"Foul.... I.... think"... stammers the announcer.
And of course, everybody back at the airbending temple just happen to be listening to the match, and Tenzin just happens to pass by as the match officials just happen to make their ruling: The Avatar may continue to play in the match as long as she does not bend anything except water. Tenzin just happens to hear this, and his face turns as red as the Fire Ferrets uniform as he storms off the island to blow her home himself. Funny how that all just sort of happened.
I think the Platypus Bears were hoping to disqualify Korra; since she remains, they settle for hitting her with all the energy they have, leaving Mako and Bolin... kind of unscathed. That's a tactical error they will regret. One good hit sends Korra into the drink, and as she swims up, she sees Tenzin, who has mysteriously found his way into the player's area and is glaring at her reproachfully. Tenzin announces that he is going to force Korra to come home with him, and discovers that it isn't quite that simple to force the Avatar to do anything. Korra hollers back that she doesn't need airbending, she doesn't need to meditate, she doesn't need his lectures, and what she does need is to get back in the match.
The Fire Ferrets have lost Round Two. So has Tenzin.
As Round Three begins, the Platypus Bears force the Ferret Brothers into one section of the arena, away from Korra, whom they are pushing towards the very edge of the ring. She's on the brink of defeat... her pro-bending debut is going to be a disaster as the waves of water, flame and rock discs push her to the edge.
At that moment, she decides to Be the Leaf. Korra begins the gentle spirals that Jinora taught her, twirling away from every sign of resistance, and their attacks no longer hit her. I wonder a little if she's cheating by using an airbender trick. Tenzin looks almost... proud as he sees the odd fruit of his teaching. Then, the Platypus Bears find that their tactical errors are catching up with them. They are exhausted. Mako and Bolin still have a lot of energy... and in a matter of moments, one... two... three... the Fire Ferrets send the Platypus Bears into the water, and they are the champions of the match. Tenzin, fuddy duddy pro-bender hater, celebrates like he's Korra's agent. Well, for a moment, anyway. Ahem.
Mako gives Korra some genuine praise, and Korra realizes she's got somebody she needs to thank. She arrives at the Airbending Temple at dusk; they are rebuilding the airbending gates. Korra, who is properly contrite now that she's gotten exactly what she wanted, apologizes to Tenzin for blowing up at him... and he apologizes for blowing up at her, too. It appears that force does not work perfectly for either of them. Tenzin is proud of her... she moved like an airbender. Maybe she won't break his gates anymore.
Well, it's a good thing Tenzin's proud of her, because she's a permanent Fire Ferret now and she's going to be fighting in the big tournament soon. Woo Hoo! Tenzin might want to come; she seems to fight in the arena better when he's around.
As the episode closes, we see Mako quietly gazing at the Airbending Temple. Somewhere inside there, is Korra, thinking about him. Then we see Korra, quietly gazing at the Pro-bending Arena Somewhere inside there is Mako, thinking of her. Let the shipping begin... although it probably already has, ever since the sneak peeks came out earlier this year.
If you like this recap, try my recap of Welcome To Republic City.
There are more good recaps of Korra at abnormally paranormal
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Chris Colfer's "Struck By Lightning" is the Surprise Hit of Tribeca Film Festival
Chris Colfer of Glee is at Tribeca Film Festival with his new film, "Struck by Lightning." According to Forbes Magazine, the film, in which a deceased student recounts his attempts to blackmail his fellow students during his last year of life - is a surprise hit. Forbes says of his success.
"If this were Sundance, people would be calling “Struck by Lightning” the new “Juno” or “Napoleon Dynamite.”
I'm so delighted to hear this, I am prepared to forgive reporter Roger Friedman for repeatedly getting Chris' last name wrong. I am going to guess that this means Colfer will have no trouble getting a distribution deal for his movie, and I would like to bet money that they will not be shoving him into the background during next year's season of Glee to make way for the newer characters.
Do you still think it was a good idea to make Kurt graduate, Ryan Murphy? Will you let him sing now?
There are pictures here from the press at Tribeca.
And I am going to keep editing this post, because the reviews are just beginning to roll in now, and they are all GREAT. According to Bruce Renninger of Indiewire, Chris Colfer Outdoes Tina Fey with his Script for "Struck By Lightning."
And of course, Mr. Colfer is a star who is all too easy to ignore while he is still on Glee. Just watch: Colfer will be one of the most interesting pop culture voices of this generation. I've been sure of this since seeing him co-present Jane Lynch with a lifetime achievement award two years ago at Outfest. His comic smarts far exceed what we've seen on the screen so far. "Struck By Lightning" is exactly what he needed to do.
Keep watching this space, folks. I am going to be on this like a hawk. I think a major star is born.
Here are my growing collection of links to other sites reporting on Struck by Lightning from Tribeca, begun on Sunday, April 22 at 8:30 a.m.
Here's the Official Tribeca Film Guide for Struck By Lightning
Chris Colfer Receives Standing Ovation for His Film Struck By Lightning from Natalie Fisher.
Watch this interview at Tribeca courtesy of the tumblr from privilegedporcelain
Report of the film's debut from CNN, complete with the official trailer.
I enjoyed reading this review from a fellow blogger named R. Kenny
Here's another tumblr review from vimaro .
An interview has just come in from the Huffington Post. at 10:23 a.m.
Letters From Titan added at 7:45 p.m.
ology.com at 12:05. a.m.
The Movie Banter at 1:15 a.m.
If you have a link that you think should be added to this growing roundup, please let me know.
Robin Gibb Awakes From Coma
This week Glee paid tribute to the music of the Bee Gees with an episode featuring the music from Saturday Night Feature. Robin Gibb has been in a coma this week and he was not expected to live. According to this report from the BBC, Robin Gibb has woken up and is showing signs of recovery. According to The Impartial Reporter, Gibb's family have been playing him music and singing to him in an effort to rouse him from his coma.
It looks like it might have worked. Maybe there is something to the medicinal power of music after all. Get well soon, Robin.
It looks like it might have worked. Maybe there is something to the medicinal power of music after all. Get well soon, Robin.
Glee Spoilers for April 21, 2012 - Glee goes to Nationals!
This just in: More Glee spoilers about the May 15 episode, which will be a two-hour double episode that covers Nationals. Tina must be pretty envious of Rachel, because she will have a hallucination or dream sequence in which every Glee cast member switches roles. Cory Montieth will play Kurt, Mark Salling is Blaine, and Jenna Ushkowitz gets to be Rachel Berry. The Glee cast swap pictures are available at Watch With Kristen. We trust that everybody will return to normal when they actually sing in competition. Of course they will. We would not want Lea Michele to give her big triumphant solo to neglected little Jenna, now, would we?
There's also some big news about a brewing Klaine conflict in this week's episode, Dance With Somebody It seems that Kurt meets a very flirty guy named Chandler who is extremely complimentary of his brooch. This will cause Blaine to get very jealous and he will sing "It's Not Right, but That's OK."
Uh... isn't this almost an exact rehash of the story between Blaine and Sebastian? Why was it perfectly fine for Blaine to talk to Sebastian, but Kurt's conversations with Chandler cause a meltdown?
There's also some big news about a brewing Klaine conflict in this week's episode, Dance With Somebody It seems that Kurt meets a very flirty guy named Chandler who is extremely complimentary of his brooch. This will cause Blaine to get very jealous and he will sing "It's Not Right, but That's OK."
Uh... isn't this almost an exact rehash of the story between Blaine and Sebastian? Why was it perfectly fine for Blaine to talk to Sebastian, but Kurt's conversations with Chandler cause a meltdown?
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Chris Colfer's "Struck By Lightning" debuts at Tribeca Film Festival
Chris Colfer's career as a film screenwriter and actor is officially underway as his first movie, "Struck by Lightning" debuts at the Tribeca Film Festival. I will be posting updates as more information comes in.
Variety reports on Colfer and other TV stars who are branching out into film careers with movies featured at Tribeca.
Chris sat down with reporters to give this Tribeca Film Festival Interview.
Notable Chris Colfer quote:
"Struck by Lightning" is one of Five Films to See at the Tribeca Film Festival
according to "New, Now, Next."
Follow this blog for additional up to date news.
Variety reports on Colfer and other TV stars who are branching out into film careers with movies featured at Tribeca.
Colfer's rise from obscurity to a starring role on "Glee" happened quickly, but his transition to features wasn't quite as easy.
"A lot of what I was offered was very similar to what I've already been doing on 'Glee,' and was almost the opposite of what I wanted ("Struck by Lightning") to be -- an inspirational, motivational film."
He wrote "Lightning" as a therapeutic way to vent about his high school experience, he says. Taking the reins as executive producer, Colfer shot the project during "Glee's" hiatus. The 22 year old says his writing projects came from ideas developed in high school and earlier, including a Disney TV pilot based on a children's book he penned, and the concept for a suspense thriller he recently scripted and hopes to exec produce and star in this summer.
"Every person has a shelf life, whether they choose to accept it or not," Colfer says, "and I have a lot of things I'd like to do before mine expires."
Chris sat down with reporters to give this Tribeca Film Festival Interview.
Notable Chris Colfer quote:
Many films targeted toward the teen audience these days are all about partying and promiscuity. I wanted to tell a story about a teen with aspirations, whose energy and focus is all dedicated to his life after high school, and not the typical quest for popularity. Carson isn’t after anyone’s approval, and not an ounce of him is living in the present; he’s all about setting himself up for the future.
"Struck by Lightning" is one of Five Films to See at the Tribeca Film Festival
according to "New, Now, Next."
Follow this blog for additional up to date news.
Glee Spoiler Thread for April 19. 2012
I will be adding more Glee Spoilers for the next Glee episode, "Dance With Somebody" as I see them and I have time to post them.
This is the official promo:
And this is the official synopsis:
All the songs for "Dance With Somebody" are now available at Whitney Houston News. I can't believe they forced Chris to attempt a Whitney power ballad but won't let him sing Bee Gees. Somebody needs to explain Chris' voice to the Glee music director. He's not a girl.
Here is an absolutely stunning a capella version of "How Will I Know" being sung by Rachel, Mercedes, Santana, and Kurt.
There are other songs, too. This is the complete list:
Song List
Here is a synopsis of the Upcoming Glee episode, "Choke."
This is the official promo:
And this is the official synopsis:
As the end of the Gleeks’ senior year grows near, Will and his students struggle
to come to terms with the imminent disbanding of their Glee Club
family. To help the kids deal with their feelings of impending loss,
Will assigns New Directions the emotionally charged music of pop icon Whitney Houston.
While some use the assignment to help ease the pain of saying goodbye,
others use it to revitalize old relationships and cement new ones.
Meanwhile, Kurt’s questionable behavior threatens his relationship with
Blaine, Will scrambles to meet a self-imposed deadline, and a despondent
Quinn’s spirits are lifted by a kindred soul.
Clarifications: Will's deadline almost certainly has to do with his upcoming wedding to Emma. Quinn is going through physical therapy. I have no idea what Klaine is arguing about, except that it sends them to couples therapy with Emma, and Chris Colfer has said that he agrees with Kurt, but others might not.
Clarifications: Will's deadline almost certainly has to do with his upcoming wedding to Emma. Quinn is going through physical therapy. I have no idea what Klaine is arguing about, except that it sends them to couples therapy with Emma, and Chris Colfer has said that he agrees with Kurt, but others might not.
All the songs for "Dance With Somebody" are now available at Whitney Houston News. I can't believe they forced Chris to attempt a Whitney power ballad but won't let him sing Bee Gees. Somebody needs to explain Chris' voice to the Glee music director. He's not a girl.
Here is an absolutely stunning a capella version of "How Will I Know" being sung by Rachel, Mercedes, Santana, and Kurt.
There are other songs, too. This is the complete list:
Song List
- I Wanna Dance with Somebody
- “It’s Not Right But It’s Okay”
- How Will I Know
- Saving All My Love
- My Love is Your Love
- So Emotional
- I Have Nothing
Here is a synopsis of the Upcoming Glee episode, "Choke."
Glee Recap: Saturday Night Glee-Ver
Glee Recap: Saturday Night Glee - Ver
Brrrrrrrrrrring! Classtime! Everybody is sitting very studiously, very quietly. They are either taking a test or studying for one, and Blaine. Is. BORED. He's got the music in him, he's got the need to move, his feet are tapping. All of a sudden, for no particular reason, Blaine is singing. He's singing "My woman takes me higher, my woman keeps me warm." Somebody forgot that Blaine is gay. Well, that's OK. By next year, I suspect they will dump that inconvenient situation altogether.
Today we learn something new about his vocal abilities; Blaine's got a truly excellent pop style tenor, but his falsetto... ahem.... needs a little work. It's a bit breathy. Now, if I think for a second, I bet I can come up with a cast member on Glee who has a stronger falsetto than Darren Criss does, and that list just might include a guy who spends a LOT of time on camera with him. What's his name? Clark? Cross? It's hard to remember, it's been so long since he sang anything.
But that doesn't matter, because Blaine is a magic man. With the touch of his vocals, the hall is transformed into a disco, and all of a sudden he is on his feet playing hooky and Mike and Brittany have joined him in his revolt. They should be dancing! Everybody should be dancing! They are dancing all the way to the auditorium, where they perform for the entire Glee Club, and Blaine explains what possessed him to install a musical time machine in the middle of history class: the Nationals theme this year is Vintage, and he thinks they ought to sing Disco songs.
Disco is... vintage? Not just out of style? Vintage... that's something that's so old it's cool again. Uh... Saturday Night Fever was popular when I was in Jr. High School. OK, I will be over here in a corner taking my Geritol.
Will loves it. It brings back wonderful memories for him, memories of really awful orange polyester costumes during that championship season... the year he won Nationals with the McKinley Glee Club back in 19?? They sang "That's the Way (Uh, huh, Uh huh...) I Like It". Unfortunately, the kids don't like it. Earth to Will.... "DISCO SUCKS!" shouts New Directions in unison. What, would you rather have him start rapping again?
Will has a new toy I've never seen before. Apparently, he's got these tiny wooden puppets of all the Glee Club members and he's fond of posing them and playing with them and making them do his will. That's not creepy or disturbing, no sir. As Will plays puppet master with this diorama of the damned, he frets, because he thinks three of his seniors are in trouble, even though none of them are pregnant at the moment. Please note that the list of seniors Will is concerned about does not include Puck - the guy who said a few weeks ago that he sees himself in jail or dead in 20 years. No, Puck is talking to the other kids about expanding his pool cleaning business. He's already got all the dreams and ambition Will seems to think he deserves. College? HAH!
No, no, Will is concerned about Finn, who has all this incredible talent that only Rachel and Will see - I sure don't get it, except when he comes wonderfully to life behind a drum kit - but he lacks self confidence! Maybe that's because he's been putting too much emphasis on being told his mediocre singing is professional level, and he should have been developing his strengths instead. Now he realizes he's only Lima good and he's crashing. That's your fault, Will, for giving him false dreams. Will is worried about Mercedes, whom he thinks is just as talented at Rachel and Kurt - since when do you think Kurt is talented, Will? You never let him sing. However, Will thinks Mercedes lacks vision. I just think Mercedes lacks a very clear and methodical plan; we will see if this changes by the time the show is over. Will is also worried about Santana, who has the dream but not the focus. I am not clear as to how this differs from what he thinks of Mercedes. Come to think of it, aren't these three storylines all exactly alike? Santana is telling Brittany that she wants to be famous, and does not care how it happens. Well, there are a lot of people like that, and several of them are named Kardashian.
Out of ideas, Will turns to his mentor, his guru, the person he can trust to give him the best possible advice on how to counsel his students with wisdom, patience and compassion - his best friend, Sue. Yeah, just play along with it. Sue is not an effective enemy anymore, but she might just work as a frenemy - a person who shares Will's goals but not his tactics. Sue gets in three or four well-placed barbs - one could argue that the entire show has been out of ideas since Madonna week - and then suggests that he solve all their problems by assigning another famous album: Saturday Night Fever. No, there is absolutely no reason to think that the BeeGees are going to give focus to Santana's need for attention. Sue reminds Will that these greedy little jerks go bananas every time anybody offers to give them anything. If you look quickly, you can see Matt Rutherford in one of the flashbacks! Sue suggests that they give the kids something fabulous to fight over.
Kurt is congratulating Mercedes on her acceptance letters to two colleges. Will, she has been accepted to two colleges. It looks like she's got her act together. How is she a bigger concern to you than Puck? Oh, right, because her vocals are better suited for BeeGees than Puck's. Of course, Kurt's vocals are better suited for BeeGees than any other person in the entire cast, and he hasn't actually gotten into college yet, but Kurt does not worry Will because for some odd reason, RIB have decided that they don't want Chris to sing anymore, ever. At any rate, the latest Glee Project winner arrives to halt my whining. He declares himself the biggest fan of both of them, and he's been to all their performances. I am trying to figure out how Kurt got in enough public performances to attract a gushing fanboy. Maybe he's been running a cabaret on the side that the writers never bothered to mention. That may also explain how he got a NYADA audition with an empty resume. The moment this fanboy, named Wade, declares that he boycotted West Side Story because they weren't cast as the leads, Kurt decides he's got a new best friend and introduces himself.
Wade is a member of Vocal Adrenaline. Their new coach is Jesse St. James, who has completely changed his philosophy of coaching since last year. He told New Directions that they needed to base their act on one special person. (Rachel.) This year, he is barking orders like a drill sergeant and declaring that nobody should stand out - especially Wade and his fabulous scarf. Wade wants to ask Kurt for advice, as one fabulously effeminate person to another... how does he get through it? How does he survive Jesse? Or the bullies at school? Without waiting for an answer, Wade begins to tell them about the person he dreams of being - confident, charismatic, Unique. In Wade's mind, Unique strides arrogantly through the hallway to greet them, wearing fabulous designer clothing, including real chinchilla (unless you intend to throw paint on her. Then it is fake.)
Yes, I did say "her." While Wade is a boy, Unique is a girl. This is a transgendered character, and I think that distinction is how I'm going to handle it. This throws even Kurt for a loop momentarily; being the resident expert on Being Gay does not automatically make him the resident expert on every part of the LBGT world. Wade wants to perform as Unique during the Regionals competition. What would Kurt do?
Kurt is speechless. He's taken some flak on the internet for not being more supportive of Wade's transgender status, and if Wade was asking for his opinion on going to Scandals as Unique, I'd agree with that criticism. Wade should be allowed to do recreational things as Unique without anybody bothering her. However, during an official regionals performance... it's generally best to wear the assigned uniform. It is also possible that Kurt is remembering what happened to him when he wore a kilt to prom.
Just an aside. I am tearing my hair out at the inability of the Glee Project to choose winners with Any. Acting. Chops. At. All. The best I can say is that Alex is clearly really, really, really, really trying and he's really, really, really Community Theater amateurish. Alex ends up being the best thing in this episode, but it's not because of his acting.
Back in the choir room, several of the Glee kids are staring at it in befuddlement. Blaine greets whatever it is with obvious excitement. Brittney is pleased with it. What is it? It's a plexiglass disco floor! It's the personal property of great Glee club friend and supporter, Sue Sylvester. Rachel icily reminds Sue thatthe glee club as a whole does not Rachel does not support disco in that room. "Some of you do" says Will, who has noted the big grin on Blaine's face, and so everybody gets to catch Saturday Night Fever whether they want to or not. "That's a record our parents listen to!" whines Finn, who has forgotten that this was also true of the Madonna episode, the Fleetwood Mac episode, the Michael Jackson episode, and most of the Whitney Houston episode next week. Will tells Finn that he's exactly like Tony Manero, without the really excellent dance moves. Tony dreamed of getting out of his crappy neighborhood in Brooklyn, and by the end of the movie, he had made it happen. And except for Grease and the admittedly excellent Pulp Fiction, it's been all downhill for John Travolta ever since. They will start creating these personal dreams by having a disco dance-off. The winner gets a replica of Travolta's iconic white polyester suit, lovingly made by the multitalented Becky Jackson.
"HoomigodINEEDTHATSUIT!" squeaks Kurt. However, his dreams will be dashed. He has no chance of winning because Will is not concerned about his future (even though he has only applied to one exceptionally exclusive arts college) and the people who write Glee do not think Kurt should be singing BeeGees songs because his falsetto... is .... perfect for it. Mike thinks the suit would be worth a lot of money; clearly he does not understand that it is a cheap knockoff and not the real thing.
Now we understand why Blaine was grinning. He and Joe were in on this from the beginning, and he's going to help them learn the style of dance for the contest. Yeah, they asked Blaine and Joe to do this instead of Mike. Right. Everybody HAS to dance for the daily Class Participation grade! Hit it!
Will and Sue start dancing like they actually like each other, and maybe they do, now. I am really confused by this friendship. Will begins to sing "Night Fever", and I am happy to hear that Matthew Morrison has the falsetto to do this correctly. Joe sings a verse that should have gone to Kurt - I'm going to be commenting on places where they could have fixed this grievous insult without changing anything of importance at all, so just be aware - and then everybody hits the dance floor, even Artie. Well, everybody... except Quinn, who is barely in this episode at all. I wonder if she went to physical therapy? Rory and Sugar are also missing. Maybe they gave each other mono. That's the problem with having 3000 cast members. Eventually you just can't squeeze them all in.
They each get a very short spotlight dance. Finn remembers a pointing thing from the movie and awkwardly executes it, but he's clearly having fun, despite his reluctance to do disco. Kurt, determined to win that suit in this rigged contest, performs a cartwheel. They end with a group dance routine that looks very cramped with that many people on that tiny floor. Will chooses his three pre-ordained finalists for the suit:
- Santana Lopez, an accomplished dancer and Cheerio. This is no surprise.
- Mercedes Jones, who flunked out of Booty Camp because she was too lazy to try. This is considered an upset.
( I see poor little Kurt crossing his fingers so hard they are about to break and I want to go order him this costume, which I might totally do if he weren't, you know, totally fictional. )
- Finn Hudson. Everybody looks completely confused, including Finn. I am surprised we didn't have an insurrection right there.
Will takes the three Projects of the Week, er the three winners, into his private office and delivers the bad news. They are not winners in a dance contest. They are problem children that Will feels he needs to save by assigning extra homework. They each get to perform a song from Saturday Night Fever Well, and bare their souls about their future hopes to everybody in the class. Well, that's not deflating or insulting, Will. I bet Finn's feelings might actually be hurt by this. Mercedes is rightfully furious, and everything she says to him is right on target. Yes, it's a manipulative game, and you have a right to be angry at the way he's dealing with this, especially since you are the only kid in the Glee Club, as far as I can tell, who applied to more than one school - and was accepted!
"Where does Mr. Shue get off telling me I don't have a dream?" Mercedes asks us in voiceover. She's right. Having a dream does not necessarily mean New York, although I do suspect that only Seniors who go to New York will be in Season Four. She has the dream. She just does not have a plan. She also has a big, magnificent solo: Disco Inferno.
Nobody appears to notice when she bursts into song in the middle of the hallway, but by the time she gets to the choir room, she's in full costume and it's clear she's prepared her homework assignment instantly. Boy, it was generous of Santana and Brittney to help her out, especially since Santana has busy work of her own to get done. Amber killed this number, by the way. Glee got it right a handful of times this week, and this song was one of those times. Mercedes' dream is to be like Mariah and Whitney Houston. (May she rest in peace.) Mercedes does not have support from her father, and she does not know where to start. She's cream in the classroom, but she's afraid she will be skim milk in L.A.. Over in a corner, devoted Sam has very quietly videotaped this excellent performance.
Hallway. We see Finn walking sadly in the foreground, and we see Rachel walking sadly in the background. They apparently have not said a word to each other since Rachel blew a gasket over the idea of not going to New York. They are lucky there is a human bridge. Finn's stop-brother, Rachel's best friend... Kurt slides up to Rachel, aware of the longing glances that are bouncing all over the halls. "Talk to him. Help him."
Rachel sniffs that Finn needs to come to her first, but Kurt's next comment is snarky and potent: "That's a great way to start a marriage." ...And this is all why they should not get married, actually, because I think it's perfectly fine and healthy for each of them to realize life dreams that don't involve each other. Rachel turns away, but Kurt's advice will stew. In the meantime, Finn meets up with his own best friend, Puck. Puck wants a final answer; he does want an LA apartment, but he does not want to share a bed with Finn. Got news for ya, buddy; any LA apartment you can afford will involve sleeping on the floor in a tiny closet. Don't believe me? Look at this. Forget about having two bedrooms. Fortunately, Finn has figured out that he doesn't really want to clean pools, either. Puck admits that L.A. terrifies him and he doesn't want to go alone - remember, he was expecting Finn to be the brains of the outfit. Then Puck joins the lineup of people telling Finn that he's so wonderful and special he deserves big, big dreams - unlike Puck, who will be lucky to live 20 more years without being dead or in jail. Yes, this bothers me. Working in Burt's tire store is not good enough for Finn, but cleaning pools is good enough for Puck. Got it. The reason, of course, is that Cory will be around next season and Mark will not. The falling axe is beginning to resound in every scene.
Sue calls Kurt and Mercedes into her office to call them out as traitors. (First of all, may I just express my delight that Kurt and Mercedes are now apparently good friends again? It only took a year! Sue is very upset with them because they are giving tips to the enemy. Well, maybe it's not that they are giving tips. Maybe it's just that they are not giving deliberately bad advice. Wade wants to wear a dress for Regionals against Jesse's orders. The 2011 McKinley Prom Queen has decided that boys wearing skirts in Lima doesn't go over very well, so they suggested that he not do that. They lack Sue's diabolical genius. Sue has the vision: When Unique goes on the stage, she will sing-handedly sink Vocal Adrenaline, and then New Directions can take Nationals in a cakewalk because they will have rehearsed before they got there this time. And just as an extra special gift, Sue is offering up an absolutely fabulously tacky pair of platform high heeled shoes, resplendent with sequins and glitter, autographed by Janet Reno. I don't know if she expects our transgendered guest to fail in these things because they are too girly, or she's just hoping Unique will fall and break a leg.
Meanwhile, Santana, wearing a retro 70's pantsuit that looks just wonderful on her, is singing her own assignment. She's covering "If I Can't Have You" as a love song to Brittney.
As she sings, we see reaction shots in the audience and... Finn and Rachel are listening. They are beginning to face the holes they have left in their lives with their fight. I notice that Sam is looking intently at Mercedes, too, as she sits next to her newest oldest bestest friend Kurt. Will, still psyched from his role in the Reader's Theater production of "8", thinks that she sung about marriage equality for gay people and her dreams of being a lawyer... a lawyer? Really? Where in blazes did that come from? I think Will has head canon for these kids as much as the fans do. Santana sets him straight. Brittney is her girlfriend, but her mistress is fame. She wants it. She needs it, baby. "Fame is not something to aspire to" lectures a cast member on a major television show with 57 celebrity guest stars a year. Santana is a thousand percent sure that she's going to be famous. However, she has no clue as to how she's going to do it. I just hope she doesn't decide to assassinate somebody.
Brittney has some other, less violent, ideas.
Somewhere between Kurt and Santana, Rachel's stubbornness has passed. She tweets for Finn to meet her in the auditorium, and with two "I miss you's" they reunite in a hug. In the past week, they have both dialed back the out-of-control selfishness; she no longer wishes to ignore his dreams, and he no longer thinks she should just drop hers. Unfortunately, Rachel seems to have decided that they should just drop hers, which is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Maybe his dreams are bigger than hers! Uh.... no. He wants to be a competitive eating champion.
Rachel has decided that her home... her only real aspiration... is Finn. With that, she begins to sing "How Deep is Your Love."
Well, I will say this. She's been consistent. She's been mooning over Finn like he's the only that validates her for two seasons. Rachel is one of my favorite characters and I think she's selling herself extremely short here. With that thought in mind, we move into Emma's office, where the school guidance counselor is FINALLY doing her job, offering brochures to the Ohio Academy for the Arts - hey, shouldn't she have presented this as a safety school for Hummelberry? - and the Waverly College for Animal Husbandry. OK, they REALLY don't know what to offer Finn, do they? At least Emma is considering ideas that don't involve the performing arts as the only viable dream worth having. Finn politely pretends to smile. He loves Rachel. He appreciates what she has done for him. Fifteen seconds out of Emma's office, he throws all the brochures in the garbage.
Everybody is staring at Santana again. This happened the last time Matthew Hodgson wrote a script for his girlfriend, too. Once again, the staring is all about sex. Strangely enough, famewhore Santana is uncomfortable with the giggles and the leering. Artie at least thinks enough of her to give her a hint as to what's going on: Watching two girls and a cat is like staring into the face of God. OK, Artie. Thanks for sharing. Brittney slides up behind her with the most animated line delivery I think Heather has EVER given. "It's because your FAMous!" Brittney put their private sex tape on the internet for all to see. Apparently, it's gotten a lot of "likes", just like I hope this recap does. Brittney spliced it with a tape of Lord Tubbington doing household chores. I would like to buy that cat. I would feed it well.
Why has Brittney put the sex tape on the internet? How did she get it there anyway, since she does not know how to take the lens cap off a camera? Maybe Artie helped her and he got an advance screening. Santana wanted to be famous, and now, like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, she is. Seriously, I want that cat NOW.
Uh... Finn is in trouble now! Will hands him the brochures he threw in the trash like an angry daddy who saves the rejected family dinner and offers it up for breakfast. Will was able to tell that Finn was just humoring them in Emma's office, although that does not explain why he high-fived both Rachel and Emma. Finn did not reveal his real hatred for all their ideas - what, you don't want to go into Animal Husbandry? - because Rachel was so proud of herself for being unselfish and offering solutions. Finn is terrified that Rachel will realize that Finn is a total loser. ( I do not think Finn is a loser. I think Finn has been spending too much time trying to hone his weak suits, but he is not a loser.) Finn faces the problem many high school stars have; he knows that the tough world out there is not going to give him the easy applause that high school did. Cory is absolutely terrific in this scene. Every once in awhile, Glee touches on something real with a cast member strong enough to deliver, and this scene represents one of those times. And now that Finn's laid a very real, serious problem on the table, Will offers up the silliest reply possible. He needs to watch Saturday Night Fever and embrace his inner Barbarino, er, Tony Monero. Will is convinced that if he follows his dream, he will figure out what he wants to do.
Santana is still basking in the glow of being notorious. She's getting catty comments regularly. Seriously, I am surprised she did not break up with Brittney over this, or at least get mad. She wants Brittney to take the video down, but Brittney has big plans for Santana the star. She's drawn up a list of the most disgusting reality shows possible and directions on how to get on them. Put poop in your car! Eat a bull testicle! Yes, you have to do this if you want to be famous! Just... tell me how far you want to go for fame, Santana. I have a suggestion. Do not deliberately have octuplets. I understand that turned out to be very difficult for one foolish woman and her unfortunate children.
Mercedes and Kurt are backstage at the Regionals performance for Vocal Adrenaline. Apparently, when Wade got the shoes he got them confused with friends and gave them a backstage pass. They have come to see Wade at his dressing table, where his magnificent transformation is about to take place. They want him to break a leg, but not in those shoes. Yes, Kurt has worn some flamboyant designer outfits.... but he's never dressed up like a woman. Except for Le Jazz Hot.... but he was swinging both ways, it wasn't for Regionals, and his choir director wasn't going to kill him for doing it.
Wade lays down the Transgender Pride Law. I AM WHAT I AM! Kurt, of all people, should have understood his situation. Well... maybe. I still think Kurt's biggest concern might be that Wade wants to violate the set dress code for an official school performance, something Kurt has never done regardless of how he felt about the clothes. He'd wear a shroud if that the was costume. Still, if Kurt's real problem is that Wade self-identifies as female and really wants to wear a dress... lesson learned, I hope. I think in this case the writers may also be making it clear that there is a very substantial difference between being a gay man and being a transgendered person. Kurt has been accused of being transgender; this script actually makes it very clear that he is not, while granting substantial dignity to somebody who is.
I think Kurt and Blaine should take Unique to Scandals and let her have the time of her life. She can use Mercedes' I.D. At this point, Jesse slithers up to escort New Directions spies out of his dressing room - I actually understand why he feels this way, by the way. He also lets us all know that he's going to fire Wade after the show. In other words... Wade has absolutely nothing whatsoever to lose, and he may already know that.
And then... Vocal Adrenaline is on... and so is Unique. The transformation is amazing.
One minute, Wade's a very stiff and boring boy. The next minute, Unique is a very convincing belting diva who could go toe to toe with Mercedes. Unique is wearing the women's uniform, in the men's color, and I want to know how she managed to do that without Jesse finding out. And yes, she's wearing the shoes. Jesse has a complete conniption fit, and he's tossing people aside to get to the stage and throw Unique off of it bodily... until he realizes it's too late. Unique is singing lead and she's in mid-song. If Wade is forced off the stage now, Vocal Adrenaline is done. He has to let it happen.
There are a couple of things that had to happen for this situation to work. First of all, it's very obvious to me that Wade has a lot of love and support from his fellow VA members, because they knew what he was wearing and they didn't tell Jesse. There's not a single hint of hesitation or confusion from any of them at all. Maybe they've been rehearsing an alternative performance in private. Wade is absolutely wonderful as a girl, and this is the best song of the episode. Damn straight. Well, no, not straight at all, but damned fabulous. Alex can SANG, ya'll. It does make me wonder how New Directions is going to beat them. Jesse looks like he's about to have a stroke. Since we know Alex will be in at least one more episode, we can assume that VA won their Regionals and we've all learned a valuable lesson about respecting transgender people. I've actually had a transgender coworker, so I've had time to get comfortable with the idea.
I do notice that Jesse also did not get to sing in this overpacked episode. Kurt's in good company.
Now it's Finn's turn to summon Rachel. He knows his song for his Very Special Assignment. He's going to sing a love song to Rachel: More Than a Woman.
I am not sure what that has to do with his ambitions for the future, and now I think he may be back to holding her purse in New York City, but as we go into the performance I listen to the song and I think...
OK, that's got to be autotune. There is no chance at all that Cory's falsetto sounds like that. For one thing, it's better than Blaine's which REALLY has me confused now. But then... OK, I REALLY liked this part. All of a sudden, it isn't just Finchel. They have been joined on the dance floor by Asian Fusion, Brittana, and Klaine. We've got Glee's four stable teenaged romances singing and dancing with each other on the dance floor all at the same time. Two of the couple are straight, two of them are gay, all of them are convincing and it's just great. If you listen closely, you can make out the individual voices. Kurt is in there somewhere, singing that Blaine is more than a woman to him...that works on so many levels I really wish they had highlighted it a bit more. Besides, he's the one who sounds best on the song because it was written for a countertenor voice, RIB, you jerks. This is so glaring I really wonder if Chris did something to offend somebody or if he's being punished for something. It was absolutely criminal for them to have Bee Gees week and not have Kurt sing... but at least there was this scene, which also gave a little something to the ever-neglected Tina.
After this scene, which may or may not have been a fantasy sequence or a fast-forward, Finn tells Rachel that he has discovered his dream. He wants to go to New York City, like Tony did. He wants to live there with Rachel, and... The guy who was an awkward Brad and the stiffest and most wooden Han Solo known to man wants to go to James Lipton's school. He wants to join Inside the Actor's Studio.
Finn wants to be an actor.
The hell?
The only possible explanation I can offer for this at all is actor bleed. Cory was kind of a mess until he discovered that he was an immensely talented actor, and that's what turned his life around. They are giving Finn Cory's life and dream. This also sets up a situation by which Finn can be in season four without having to sing a whole lot. I think it's pretty clear by now that the Big Three kids are going to end up in New York.
OK, storyline where kid with no focus is guided to success by his or her significant other, part one, complete.
Now let's get back to Mercedes. Kurt and Mercedes are offering a little exposition that lets us know it all turned out OK for Unique. She pulled it off. That's the power of a dream. They begin to walk... they see Sam... Kurt does a very abrupt about face and melts into the crowd so that Mercedes can handle her unfinished business. He's Mercedes' friend... Sam is living in his house. He knows the whole score. Sam has one more thing to show Mercedes... and it's not a love song from him this time. He shows her something on Youtube, and Mercedes is gobsmacked to see that it's her version of Disco Inferno. "Did you put this on Youtube without asking me?" she demands... there's been a lot of that going around lately... but then she sees there are 484 positive comments. Sam wanted to show her that strangers believe in her as much as he does. I am not sure that leaving a comment on a video is quite the same as wanting to buy her album, and I don't know how far she'd get with 484 sales, but it's all very encouraging. Sam thinks she's cream rising to the top. And then... quite suddenly, they are making out, and he's her boyfriend again.
OK, storyline where kid with no focus is guided to success by his or her significant other, part two, complete. Never mind that Mercedes is actually in exactly the same spot she was before. She's still been accepted to two schools and she still has no plan. And boyfriend is probably a Junior and won't be going with her.
Sue has brought Santana into her office to scold her for her unbridled ambition; never mind that it was actually Brittany who put the sex tape on the Internet. This dialogue is so bad even Naya can't pull it off, but the gist is that Santana has decided she wants to go to college, and Sue's already arranged it. Without asking her permission, without letting her know about it, without a single word to Santana, Brittany and Sue applied to the University of Louisville in Kentucky for Santana, and they've gotten her a full cheerleading scholarship. Yes, for the second time this season Matthew HorribleBoyfriend has written Naya a script in which all personal control and agency is taken entirely out of Santana's hands and other people have arranged her entire life for her without her consent or knowledge. The other one is I Kissed a Girl. At least Rachel offered Finn brochures rather than just making his decisions for him.
OK, storyline where kid with no focus is guided to success by his or her significant other, part three, complete.
The episode closes as Sue declares Finn, Santana and Mercedes all winners of the white suits, and they strut down the hall to the strains of Stayin' Alive. Suddenly, they are all in the auditorium in a huge version of Sue's disco floor, and everybody in the Glee Club has a dance suit. There is absolutely no reason why one of the many solos in this very falsetto song could not have been sung by Chris Colfer, and dammit, I want an explanation. It's like having a show entirely dedicated to Broadway and not allowing Rachel to sing, or a show that's all about songs in Spanish that leaves out Santana.
As of this writing, my favorite Bee Gee, Robin Gibb, lies in a coma, still Staying Alive. According to at least one article I've read, family members have been singing to him in hopes that the power of their song and their love will help him come out of this. I've been thinking about them all week, and I wish him either recovered health or a dignified, painless passing. They were one of the important bands of my childhood. I wish them well and thank them for the memories.
Brrrrrrrrrrring! Classtime! Everybody is sitting very studiously, very quietly. They are either taking a test or studying for one, and Blaine. Is. BORED. He's got the music in him, he's got the need to move, his feet are tapping. All of a sudden, for no particular reason, Blaine is singing. He's singing "My woman takes me higher, my woman keeps me warm." Somebody forgot that Blaine is gay. Well, that's OK. By next year, I suspect they will dump that inconvenient situation altogether.
Today we learn something new about his vocal abilities; Blaine's got a truly excellent pop style tenor, but his falsetto... ahem.... needs a little work. It's a bit breathy. Now, if I think for a second, I bet I can come up with a cast member on Glee who has a stronger falsetto than Darren Criss does, and that list just might include a guy who spends a LOT of time on camera with him. What's his name? Clark? Cross? It's hard to remember, it's been so long since he sang anything.
But that doesn't matter, because Blaine is a magic man. With the touch of his vocals, the hall is transformed into a disco, and all of a sudden he is on his feet playing hooky and Mike and Brittany have joined him in his revolt. They should be dancing! Everybody should be dancing! They are dancing all the way to the auditorium, where they perform for the entire Glee Club, and Blaine explains what possessed him to install a musical time machine in the middle of history class: the Nationals theme this year is Vintage, and he thinks they ought to sing Disco songs.
Disco is... vintage? Not just out of style? Vintage... that's something that's so old it's cool again. Uh... Saturday Night Fever was popular when I was in Jr. High School. OK, I will be over here in a corner taking my Geritol.
Will loves it. It brings back wonderful memories for him, memories of really awful orange polyester costumes during that championship season... the year he won Nationals with the McKinley Glee Club back in 19?? They sang "That's the Way (Uh, huh, Uh huh...) I Like It". Unfortunately, the kids don't like it. Earth to Will.... "DISCO SUCKS!" shouts New Directions in unison. What, would you rather have him start rapping again?
Will has a new toy I've never seen before. Apparently, he's got these tiny wooden puppets of all the Glee Club members and he's fond of posing them and playing with them and making them do his will. That's not creepy or disturbing, no sir. As Will plays puppet master with this diorama of the damned, he frets, because he thinks three of his seniors are in trouble, even though none of them are pregnant at the moment. Please note that the list of seniors Will is concerned about does not include Puck - the guy who said a few weeks ago that he sees himself in jail or dead in 20 years. No, Puck is talking to the other kids about expanding his pool cleaning business. He's already got all the dreams and ambition Will seems to think he deserves. College? HAH!
No, no, Will is concerned about Finn, who has all this incredible talent that only Rachel and Will see - I sure don't get it, except when he comes wonderfully to life behind a drum kit - but he lacks self confidence! Maybe that's because he's been putting too much emphasis on being told his mediocre singing is professional level, and he should have been developing his strengths instead. Now he realizes he's only Lima good and he's crashing. That's your fault, Will, for giving him false dreams. Will is worried about Mercedes, whom he thinks is just as talented at Rachel and Kurt - since when do you think Kurt is talented, Will? You never let him sing. However, Will thinks Mercedes lacks vision. I just think Mercedes lacks a very clear and methodical plan; we will see if this changes by the time the show is over. Will is also worried about Santana, who has the dream but not the focus. I am not clear as to how this differs from what he thinks of Mercedes. Come to think of it, aren't these three storylines all exactly alike? Santana is telling Brittany that she wants to be famous, and does not care how it happens. Well, there are a lot of people like that, and several of them are named Kardashian.
Out of ideas, Will turns to his mentor, his guru, the person he can trust to give him the best possible advice on how to counsel his students with wisdom, patience and compassion - his best friend, Sue. Yeah, just play along with it. Sue is not an effective enemy anymore, but she might just work as a frenemy - a person who shares Will's goals but not his tactics. Sue gets in three or four well-placed barbs - one could argue that the entire show has been out of ideas since Madonna week - and then suggests that he solve all their problems by assigning another famous album: Saturday Night Fever. No, there is absolutely no reason to think that the BeeGees are going to give focus to Santana's need for attention. Sue reminds Will that these greedy little jerks go bananas every time anybody offers to give them anything. If you look quickly, you can see Matt Rutherford in one of the flashbacks! Sue suggests that they give the kids something fabulous to fight over.
Kurt is congratulating Mercedes on her acceptance letters to two colleges. Will, she has been accepted to two colleges. It looks like she's got her act together. How is she a bigger concern to you than Puck? Oh, right, because her vocals are better suited for BeeGees than Puck's. Of course, Kurt's vocals are better suited for BeeGees than any other person in the entire cast, and he hasn't actually gotten into college yet, but Kurt does not worry Will because for some odd reason, RIB have decided that they don't want Chris to sing anymore, ever. At any rate, the latest Glee Project winner arrives to halt my whining. He declares himself the biggest fan of both of them, and he's been to all their performances. I am trying to figure out how Kurt got in enough public performances to attract a gushing fanboy. Maybe he's been running a cabaret on the side that the writers never bothered to mention. That may also explain how he got a NYADA audition with an empty resume. The moment this fanboy, named Wade, declares that he boycotted West Side Story because they weren't cast as the leads, Kurt decides he's got a new best friend and introduces himself.
Wade is a member of Vocal Adrenaline. Their new coach is Jesse St. James, who has completely changed his philosophy of coaching since last year. He told New Directions that they needed to base their act on one special person. (Rachel.) This year, he is barking orders like a drill sergeant and declaring that nobody should stand out - especially Wade and his fabulous scarf. Wade wants to ask Kurt for advice, as one fabulously effeminate person to another... how does he get through it? How does he survive Jesse? Or the bullies at school? Without waiting for an answer, Wade begins to tell them about the person he dreams of being - confident, charismatic, Unique. In Wade's mind, Unique strides arrogantly through the hallway to greet them, wearing fabulous designer clothing, including real chinchilla (unless you intend to throw paint on her. Then it is fake.)
Yes, I did say "her." While Wade is a boy, Unique is a girl. This is a transgendered character, and I think that distinction is how I'm going to handle it. This throws even Kurt for a loop momentarily; being the resident expert on Being Gay does not automatically make him the resident expert on every part of the LBGT world. Wade wants to perform as Unique during the Regionals competition. What would Kurt do?
Kurt is speechless. He's taken some flak on the internet for not being more supportive of Wade's transgender status, and if Wade was asking for his opinion on going to Scandals as Unique, I'd agree with that criticism. Wade should be allowed to do recreational things as Unique without anybody bothering her. However, during an official regionals performance... it's generally best to wear the assigned uniform. It is also possible that Kurt is remembering what happened to him when he wore a kilt to prom.
Just an aside. I am tearing my hair out at the inability of the Glee Project to choose winners with Any. Acting. Chops. At. All. The best I can say is that Alex is clearly really, really, really, really trying and he's really, really, really Community Theater amateurish. Alex ends up being the best thing in this episode, but it's not because of his acting.
Back in the choir room, several of the Glee kids are staring at it in befuddlement. Blaine greets whatever it is with obvious excitement. Brittney is pleased with it. What is it? It's a plexiglass disco floor! It's the personal property of great Glee club friend and supporter, Sue Sylvester. Rachel icily reminds Sue that
"HoomigodINEEDTHATSUIT!" squeaks Kurt. However, his dreams will be dashed. He has no chance of winning because Will is not concerned about his future (even though he has only applied to one exceptionally exclusive arts college) and the people who write Glee do not think Kurt should be singing BeeGees songs because his falsetto... is .... perfect for it. Mike thinks the suit would be worth a lot of money; clearly he does not understand that it is a cheap knockoff and not the real thing.
Now we understand why Blaine was grinning. He and Joe were in on this from the beginning, and he's going to help them learn the style of dance for the contest. Yeah, they asked Blaine and Joe to do this instead of Mike. Right. Everybody HAS to dance for the daily Class Participation grade! Hit it!
Will and Sue start dancing like they actually like each other, and maybe they do, now. I am really confused by this friendship. Will begins to sing "Night Fever", and I am happy to hear that Matthew Morrison has the falsetto to do this correctly. Joe sings a verse that should have gone to Kurt - I'm going to be commenting on places where they could have fixed this grievous insult without changing anything of importance at all, so just be aware - and then everybody hits the dance floor, even Artie. Well, everybody... except Quinn, who is barely in this episode at all. I wonder if she went to physical therapy? Rory and Sugar are also missing. Maybe they gave each other mono. That's the problem with having 3000 cast members. Eventually you just can't squeeze them all in.
They each get a very short spotlight dance. Finn remembers a pointing thing from the movie and awkwardly executes it, but he's clearly having fun, despite his reluctance to do disco. Kurt, determined to win that suit in this rigged contest, performs a cartwheel. They end with a group dance routine that looks very cramped with that many people on that tiny floor. Will chooses his three pre-ordained finalists for the suit:
- Santana Lopez, an accomplished dancer and Cheerio. This is no surprise.
- Mercedes Jones, who flunked out of Booty Camp because she was too lazy to try. This is considered an upset.
( I see poor little Kurt crossing his fingers so hard they are about to break and I want to go order him this costume, which I might totally do if he weren't, you know, totally fictional. )
- Finn Hudson. Everybody looks completely confused, including Finn. I am surprised we didn't have an insurrection right there.
Will takes the three Projects of the Week, er the three winners, into his private office and delivers the bad news. They are not winners in a dance contest. They are problem children that Will feels he needs to save by assigning extra homework. They each get to perform a song from Saturday Night Fever Well, and bare their souls about their future hopes to everybody in the class. Well, that's not deflating or insulting, Will. I bet Finn's feelings might actually be hurt by this. Mercedes is rightfully furious, and everything she says to him is right on target. Yes, it's a manipulative game, and you have a right to be angry at the way he's dealing with this, especially since you are the only kid in the Glee Club, as far as I can tell, who applied to more than one school - and was accepted!
"Where does Mr. Shue get off telling me I don't have a dream?" Mercedes asks us in voiceover. She's right. Having a dream does not necessarily mean New York, although I do suspect that only Seniors who go to New York will be in Season Four. She has the dream. She just does not have a plan. She also has a big, magnificent solo: Disco Inferno.
Nobody appears to notice when she bursts into song in the middle of the hallway, but by the time she gets to the choir room, she's in full costume and it's clear she's prepared her homework assignment instantly. Boy, it was generous of Santana and Brittney to help her out, especially since Santana has busy work of her own to get done. Amber killed this number, by the way. Glee got it right a handful of times this week, and this song was one of those times. Mercedes' dream is to be like Mariah and Whitney Houston. (May she rest in peace.) Mercedes does not have support from her father, and she does not know where to start. She's cream in the classroom, but she's afraid she will be skim milk in L.A.. Over in a corner, devoted Sam has very quietly videotaped this excellent performance.
Hallway. We see Finn walking sadly in the foreground, and we see Rachel walking sadly in the background. They apparently have not said a word to each other since Rachel blew a gasket over the idea of not going to New York. They are lucky there is a human bridge. Finn's stop-brother, Rachel's best friend... Kurt slides up to Rachel, aware of the longing glances that are bouncing all over the halls. "Talk to him. Help him."
Rachel sniffs that Finn needs to come to her first, but Kurt's next comment is snarky and potent: "That's a great way to start a marriage." ...And this is all why they should not get married, actually, because I think it's perfectly fine and healthy for each of them to realize life dreams that don't involve each other. Rachel turns away, but Kurt's advice will stew. In the meantime, Finn meets up with his own best friend, Puck. Puck wants a final answer; he does want an LA apartment, but he does not want to share a bed with Finn. Got news for ya, buddy; any LA apartment you can afford will involve sleeping on the floor in a tiny closet. Don't believe me? Look at this. Forget about having two bedrooms. Fortunately, Finn has figured out that he doesn't really want to clean pools, either. Puck admits that L.A. terrifies him and he doesn't want to go alone - remember, he was expecting Finn to be the brains of the outfit. Then Puck joins the lineup of people telling Finn that he's so wonderful and special he deserves big, big dreams - unlike Puck, who will be lucky to live 20 more years without being dead or in jail. Yes, this bothers me. Working in Burt's tire store is not good enough for Finn, but cleaning pools is good enough for Puck. Got it. The reason, of course, is that Cory will be around next season and Mark will not. The falling axe is beginning to resound in every scene.
Sue calls Kurt and Mercedes into her office to call them out as traitors. (First of all, may I just express my delight that Kurt and Mercedes are now apparently good friends again? It only took a year! Sue is very upset with them because they are giving tips to the enemy. Well, maybe it's not that they are giving tips. Maybe it's just that they are not giving deliberately bad advice. Wade wants to wear a dress for Regionals against Jesse's orders. The 2011 McKinley Prom Queen has decided that boys wearing skirts in Lima doesn't go over very well, so they suggested that he not do that. They lack Sue's diabolical genius. Sue has the vision: When Unique goes on the stage, she will sing-handedly sink Vocal Adrenaline, and then New Directions can take Nationals in a cakewalk because they will have rehearsed before they got there this time. And just as an extra special gift, Sue is offering up an absolutely fabulously tacky pair of platform high heeled shoes, resplendent with sequins and glitter, autographed by Janet Reno. I don't know if she expects our transgendered guest to fail in these things because they are too girly, or she's just hoping Unique will fall and break a leg.
Meanwhile, Santana, wearing a retro 70's pantsuit that looks just wonderful on her, is singing her own assignment. She's covering "If I Can't Have You" as a love song to Brittney.
As she sings, we see reaction shots in the audience and... Finn and Rachel are listening. They are beginning to face the holes they have left in their lives with their fight. I notice that Sam is looking intently at Mercedes, too, as she sits next to her newest oldest bestest friend Kurt. Will, still psyched from his role in the Reader's Theater production of "8", thinks that she sung about marriage equality for gay people and her dreams of being a lawyer... a lawyer? Really? Where in blazes did that come from? I think Will has head canon for these kids as much as the fans do. Santana sets him straight. Brittney is her girlfriend, but her mistress is fame. She wants it. She needs it, baby. "Fame is not something to aspire to" lectures a cast member on a major television show with 57 celebrity guest stars a year. Santana is a thousand percent sure that she's going to be famous. However, she has no clue as to how she's going to do it. I just hope she doesn't decide to assassinate somebody.
Brittney has some other, less violent, ideas.
Somewhere between Kurt and Santana, Rachel's stubbornness has passed. She tweets for Finn to meet her in the auditorium, and with two "I miss you's" they reunite in a hug. In the past week, they have both dialed back the out-of-control selfishness; she no longer wishes to ignore his dreams, and he no longer thinks she should just drop hers. Unfortunately, Rachel seems to have decided that they should just drop hers, which is like nails on a chalkboard to me. Maybe his dreams are bigger than hers! Uh.... no. He wants to be a competitive eating champion.
Rachel has decided that her home... her only real aspiration... is Finn. With that, she begins to sing "How Deep is Your Love."
Well, I will say this. She's been consistent. She's been mooning over Finn like he's the only that validates her for two seasons. Rachel is one of my favorite characters and I think she's selling herself extremely short here. With that thought in mind, we move into Emma's office, where the school guidance counselor is FINALLY doing her job, offering brochures to the Ohio Academy for the Arts - hey, shouldn't she have presented this as a safety school for Hummelberry? - and the Waverly College for Animal Husbandry. OK, they REALLY don't know what to offer Finn, do they? At least Emma is considering ideas that don't involve the performing arts as the only viable dream worth having. Finn politely pretends to smile. He loves Rachel. He appreciates what she has done for him. Fifteen seconds out of Emma's office, he throws all the brochures in the garbage.
Everybody is staring at Santana again. This happened the last time Matthew Hodgson wrote a script for his girlfriend, too. Once again, the staring is all about sex. Strangely enough, famewhore Santana is uncomfortable with the giggles and the leering. Artie at least thinks enough of her to give her a hint as to what's going on: Watching two girls and a cat is like staring into the face of God. OK, Artie. Thanks for sharing. Brittney slides up behind her with the most animated line delivery I think Heather has EVER given. "It's because your FAMous!" Brittney put their private sex tape on the internet for all to see. Apparently, it's gotten a lot of "likes", just like I hope this recap does. Brittney spliced it with a tape of Lord Tubbington doing household chores. I would like to buy that cat. I would feed it well.
Why has Brittney put the sex tape on the internet? How did she get it there anyway, since she does not know how to take the lens cap off a camera? Maybe Artie helped her and he got an advance screening. Santana wanted to be famous, and now, like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, she is. Seriously, I want that cat NOW.
Uh... Finn is in trouble now! Will hands him the brochures he threw in the trash like an angry daddy who saves the rejected family dinner and offers it up for breakfast. Will was able to tell that Finn was just humoring them in Emma's office, although that does not explain why he high-fived both Rachel and Emma. Finn did not reveal his real hatred for all their ideas - what, you don't want to go into Animal Husbandry? - because Rachel was so proud of herself for being unselfish and offering solutions. Finn is terrified that Rachel will realize that Finn is a total loser. ( I do not think Finn is a loser. I think Finn has been spending too much time trying to hone his weak suits, but he is not a loser.) Finn faces the problem many high school stars have; he knows that the tough world out there is not going to give him the easy applause that high school did. Cory is absolutely terrific in this scene. Every once in awhile, Glee touches on something real with a cast member strong enough to deliver, and this scene represents one of those times. And now that Finn's laid a very real, serious problem on the table, Will offers up the silliest reply possible. He needs to watch Saturday Night Fever and embrace his inner Barbarino, er, Tony Monero. Will is convinced that if he follows his dream, he will figure out what he wants to do.
Santana is still basking in the glow of being notorious. She's getting catty comments regularly. Seriously, I am surprised she did not break up with Brittney over this, or at least get mad. She wants Brittney to take the video down, but Brittney has big plans for Santana the star. She's drawn up a list of the most disgusting reality shows possible and directions on how to get on them. Put poop in your car! Eat a bull testicle! Yes, you have to do this if you want to be famous! Just... tell me how far you want to go for fame, Santana. I have a suggestion. Do not deliberately have octuplets. I understand that turned out to be very difficult for one foolish woman and her unfortunate children.
Mercedes and Kurt are backstage at the Regionals performance for Vocal Adrenaline. Apparently, when Wade got the shoes he got them confused with friends and gave them a backstage pass. They have come to see Wade at his dressing table, where his magnificent transformation is about to take place. They want him to break a leg, but not in those shoes. Yes, Kurt has worn some flamboyant designer outfits.... but he's never dressed up like a woman. Except for Le Jazz Hot.... but he was swinging both ways, it wasn't for Regionals, and his choir director wasn't going to kill him for doing it.
Wade lays down the Transgender Pride Law. I AM WHAT I AM! Kurt, of all people, should have understood his situation. Well... maybe. I still think Kurt's biggest concern might be that Wade wants to violate the set dress code for an official school performance, something Kurt has never done regardless of how he felt about the clothes. He'd wear a shroud if that the was costume. Still, if Kurt's real problem is that Wade self-identifies as female and really wants to wear a dress... lesson learned, I hope. I think in this case the writers may also be making it clear that there is a very substantial difference between being a gay man and being a transgendered person. Kurt has been accused of being transgender; this script actually makes it very clear that he is not, while granting substantial dignity to somebody who is.
I think Kurt and Blaine should take Unique to Scandals and let her have the time of her life. She can use Mercedes' I.D. At this point, Jesse slithers up to escort New Directions spies out of his dressing room - I actually understand why he feels this way, by the way. He also lets us all know that he's going to fire Wade after the show. In other words... Wade has absolutely nothing whatsoever to lose, and he may already know that.
And then... Vocal Adrenaline is on... and so is Unique. The transformation is amazing.
One minute, Wade's a very stiff and boring boy. The next minute, Unique is a very convincing belting diva who could go toe to toe with Mercedes. Unique is wearing the women's uniform, in the men's color, and I want to know how she managed to do that without Jesse finding out. And yes, she's wearing the shoes. Jesse has a complete conniption fit, and he's tossing people aside to get to the stage and throw Unique off of it bodily... until he realizes it's too late. Unique is singing lead and she's in mid-song. If Wade is forced off the stage now, Vocal Adrenaline is done. He has to let it happen.
There are a couple of things that had to happen for this situation to work. First of all, it's very obvious to me that Wade has a lot of love and support from his fellow VA members, because they knew what he was wearing and they didn't tell Jesse. There's not a single hint of hesitation or confusion from any of them at all. Maybe they've been rehearsing an alternative performance in private. Wade is absolutely wonderful as a girl, and this is the best song of the episode. Damn straight. Well, no, not straight at all, but damned fabulous. Alex can SANG, ya'll. It does make me wonder how New Directions is going to beat them. Jesse looks like he's about to have a stroke. Since we know Alex will be in at least one more episode, we can assume that VA won their Regionals and we've all learned a valuable lesson about respecting transgender people. I've actually had a transgender coworker, so I've had time to get comfortable with the idea.
I do notice that Jesse also did not get to sing in this overpacked episode. Kurt's in good company.
Now it's Finn's turn to summon Rachel. He knows his song for his Very Special Assignment. He's going to sing a love song to Rachel: More Than a Woman.
I am not sure what that has to do with his ambitions for the future, and now I think he may be back to holding her purse in New York City, but as we go into the performance I listen to the song and I think...
OK, that's got to be autotune. There is no chance at all that Cory's falsetto sounds like that. For one thing, it's better than Blaine's which REALLY has me confused now. But then... OK, I REALLY liked this part. All of a sudden, it isn't just Finchel. They have been joined on the dance floor by Asian Fusion, Brittana, and Klaine. We've got Glee's four stable teenaged romances singing and dancing with each other on the dance floor all at the same time. Two of the couple are straight, two of them are gay, all of them are convincing and it's just great. If you listen closely, you can make out the individual voices. Kurt is in there somewhere, singing that Blaine is more than a woman to him...that works on so many levels I really wish they had highlighted it a bit more. Besides, he's the one who sounds best on the song because it was written for a countertenor voice, RIB, you jerks. This is so glaring I really wonder if Chris did something to offend somebody or if he's being punished for something. It was absolutely criminal for them to have Bee Gees week and not have Kurt sing... but at least there was this scene, which also gave a little something to the ever-neglected Tina.
After this scene, which may or may not have been a fantasy sequence or a fast-forward, Finn tells Rachel that he has discovered his dream. He wants to go to New York City, like Tony did. He wants to live there with Rachel, and... The guy who was an awkward Brad and the stiffest and most wooden Han Solo known to man wants to go to James Lipton's school. He wants to join Inside the Actor's Studio.
Finn wants to be an actor.
The hell?
The only possible explanation I can offer for this at all is actor bleed. Cory was kind of a mess until he discovered that he was an immensely talented actor, and that's what turned his life around. They are giving Finn Cory's life and dream. This also sets up a situation by which Finn can be in season four without having to sing a whole lot. I think it's pretty clear by now that the Big Three kids are going to end up in New York.
OK, storyline where kid with no focus is guided to success by his or her significant other, part one, complete.
Now let's get back to Mercedes. Kurt and Mercedes are offering a little exposition that lets us know it all turned out OK for Unique. She pulled it off. That's the power of a dream. They begin to walk... they see Sam... Kurt does a very abrupt about face and melts into the crowd so that Mercedes can handle her unfinished business. He's Mercedes' friend... Sam is living in his house. He knows the whole score. Sam has one more thing to show Mercedes... and it's not a love song from him this time. He shows her something on Youtube, and Mercedes is gobsmacked to see that it's her version of Disco Inferno. "Did you put this on Youtube without asking me?" she demands... there's been a lot of that going around lately... but then she sees there are 484 positive comments. Sam wanted to show her that strangers believe in her as much as he does. I am not sure that leaving a comment on a video is quite the same as wanting to buy her album, and I don't know how far she'd get with 484 sales, but it's all very encouraging. Sam thinks she's cream rising to the top. And then... quite suddenly, they are making out, and he's her boyfriend again.
OK, storyline where kid with no focus is guided to success by his or her significant other, part two, complete. Never mind that Mercedes is actually in exactly the same spot she was before. She's still been accepted to two schools and she still has no plan. And boyfriend is probably a Junior and won't be going with her.
Sue has brought Santana into her office to scold her for her unbridled ambition; never mind that it was actually Brittany who put the sex tape on the Internet. This dialogue is so bad even Naya can't pull it off, but the gist is that Santana has decided she wants to go to college, and Sue's already arranged it. Without asking her permission, without letting her know about it, without a single word to Santana, Brittany and Sue applied to the University of Louisville in Kentucky for Santana, and they've gotten her a full cheerleading scholarship. Yes, for the second time this season Matthew HorribleBoyfriend has written Naya a script in which all personal control and agency is taken entirely out of Santana's hands and other people have arranged her entire life for her without her consent or knowledge. The other one is I Kissed a Girl. At least Rachel offered Finn brochures rather than just making his decisions for him.
OK, storyline where kid with no focus is guided to success by his or her significant other, part three, complete.
The episode closes as Sue declares Finn, Santana and Mercedes all winners of the white suits, and they strut down the hall to the strains of Stayin' Alive. Suddenly, they are all in the auditorium in a huge version of Sue's disco floor, and everybody in the Glee Club has a dance suit. There is absolutely no reason why one of the many solos in this very falsetto song could not have been sung by Chris Colfer, and dammit, I want an explanation. It's like having a show entirely dedicated to Broadway and not allowing Rachel to sing, or a show that's all about songs in Spanish that leaves out Santana.
As of this writing, my favorite Bee Gee, Robin Gibb, lies in a coma, still Staying Alive. According to at least one article I've read, family members have been singing to him in hopes that the power of their song and their love will help him come out of this. I've been thinking about them all week, and I wish him either recovered health or a dignified, painless passing. They were one of the important bands of my childhood. I wish them well and thank them for the memories.
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