What Happened to Kurt Hummel?

When interviewed about Kurt Hummel, a groundbreaking character created for Chris Colfer on Glee, producer Ryan Murphy once said:

"I am not interested in seeing that kid be gay bashed. I'm not interested in seeing that kid be picked on. I'm interested in him winning, and being popular, and a survivor. And him being a role model to so many gay kids who watch that show who can see that character and say “I can be that”…. He’s going to have a boyfriend who is going to be very different but equally as fabulous…and I want them to become the power couple of the school, and they will be."

This interview was at Paley Center, Feb. 2011

There was a time when Kurt was a vibrant, saucy, determined character who was highly praised, and often very well rewarded for his stubbornly individual take on the world. In the first season, Kurt Hummel auditioned for the role of kicker, and ended up being a very good, if rather unorthodox, football player. He won the big game for his team, and found the courage to come out to his father at the same time. If he failed at something, it was at least partly through his own choices; he botched that high note on "Defying Gravity", yes, but he did it on purpose to protect his father, and he finally got his big chance to shine as a performer during the National Cheerleading Championship as lead singer for the Cheerios.

That assertive character who enjoyed triumphs and successes as well as setbacks earned an Emmy nomination for Chris Colfer in his very first season as a professional television performer. That character vaulted out of the ranks of the minor characters to become one of the show's biggest stars, arguably eclipsing even Finn and Will as the show's most effective male character.

What happened to that vision for Kurt Hummel? When did he become the official Glee punching bag, and why?

Since then, Kurt has been bullied so badly he had to leave the school. He was exiled to Dalton Academy for three months, and ended up being a sidekick in his own storyline as the writers focused more on writing excuses to showcase Blaine's singing. Once he finally returned to McKinley, he was named Prom Queen by enemies who wished to humiliate him. He did get his boyfriend, but I don't think anybody could really call them the power couple of the school.

Season Three was even bleaker. The second episode of the season, "I am Unicorn" showed characters who said they celebrated Kurt's unique personality, and yet he was laughed off the audition stage by the directors of West Side Story. Deemed too effeminate to play the male lead, he was given no singing role at all; the panel of directors deemed him fit only to play the non-singing, non-dancing role of Officer Krupke. He spent the entire year trying desperately to cobble together enough accomplishments to create an acceptable resume for his admission to NYADA, a competitive fine arts college. In the process, he was beaten in a contest for Class President by a girl who had a 0.0 grade point average, and nearly got suspended when Figgins wrongly accused him of stuffing the ballot boxes.

All his struggles appeared to pay off when he got his exclusive NYADA audition, and nailed it. NYADA dean Carmen Thibideaux praised his audition very highly, and it appeared that his story would have a satisfying ending. This was the sole triumph of his entire year. Then... he got his rejection letter, and that single triumph was completely obliterated. Kurt's very last words of the entire season are "I didn't get in", and then the writers simply dropped his story completely. As of right now, he is the only graduating senior of Glee who did not get a resolution to his storyline, as if the writing staff didn't even think it important enough to warrant comment from the other characters.

Ryan Murphy said that he wanted his revolutionary gay character to be an inspirational role model, a vision of hope for the future of kids like him who are watching the show and think themselves to be outsiders. But the way he's being written now seems to reinforce the idea that the very effeminate boy is going to be overlooked, written off and mistreated at all times by everybody he meets, and they aren't offering a lot of hope at the moment.

At least one story in the mainstream media is questioning the loser direction they've taken Kurt; E.W. Com recently ran a poll asking readers to name the weakest plot twist in a season finale, and Kurt's rejection to NYADA won a whopping 42% of the vote. At least some segment of the Glee audience is getting quite tired of seeing the iconic gay character as a perennial pitiful loser. Here's hoping that in Season Four the Glee writers will recognize the degree to which they have strayed from Ryan Murphy's vision, and make Kurt Hummel regain his status as a character that a gay kid watching the show can see, and say, "I can be that." He doesn't have to win every audition, or succeed at every turn, but a little balance might be nice. Who knows? If Kurt isn't forced to fail all the time, maybe he might actually be able to be funny every once in awhile, as he was in that first great season when hopes for him ran so high.

If you'd like to read my episode recaps for Glee Season Three, you can find them all indexed at Season Three Glee Links

America's Got Talent - St Louis

America's Got Talent Recap

St. Louis

Nick's on a football field, declaring this the biggest audition of all time.  Howard got to bring his dad last week, so this week, Howie has brought his mom.  Sharon is late... and she's working the crowd.  By "working", I mean "touching" and Howie is appalled.  The germs!  The germs, people!  Sharon has cooties after mixing with the masses!  Howie refuses to let his mother hug her.

We see a sweet older man who has a little bear puppet firmly attached to his shoulder.  This is Tom Bonham, a retired computer consultant who now fancies himself a puppeteer.   Ah, that's too harsh.  He is a puppeteer.  He's got these sweet little crude handmade creatures that are kind of cute, in a strictly amateur way, and if he were a grandpa in my community and wanted to show off his puppets to the kids in my library story time, I think he'd get a very nice response.  He has a sweet little hobby. 

Million dollar act?  Not in a million years.  Howie kindly keeps his hand off the buzzer and lets the sweet little grandpa finish.  Howard pretends to reconsider - hey, man, stop with the head games.  Just admit it's a kid's act at best and get him in touch with a local kindergarten.  Howie entreats Mr. Bonham, "Do not give up the dream!" and I say he's got an audience somewhere.  He just has to find it.

There's a blonde who can neither sing nor play the drums, but she's pretending to be the only person in the band who showed up...she just wanted to get on television.  Then we have some chick who has a talent for making soda cans explode... boy, that was messy.  And harder than it looks; Nick can't do it.  Why would he want to, exactly?   But I will say this - she was more interesting than the guy in the chicken suit.  There's a lasso act so bad Sharon's buzzed him before he has his rope out, and Howard takes great care to buzz him with his butt.  But then Howard is challenged to try this himself... wow, the view is intimidating from the stage... but it's still a no.

And then... here comes complete cuteness.  This boy just radiates adorable.  His name is Isaac Ryan Brown, he's six, and he's got a sparkling personality.  He can already see himself winning that million dollars... and he'd be so happy... he'd have... what's that thing?  A limo!  Ok, he's cute.  Is he any good?

Isaac hits the stage, and he's astonished by the fact that one judge is Howie and one is Howard.  "You two guys names sound the same!" he quips, and by this time he's got the audience eating out of his hand.  But what can he do?  He can sing and dance?  Can he?

Yeah, he's singing "Want You Back" by the Jackson Five.  He's not going to make anybody forget Michael; he's a little off-key in places, and the movies are a little clunky, but the cute factor is off the charts and he's very well prepared.  Howie calls him a superstar.  Isaac says that all that matters is that it comes from the heart, and every heart in the audience melts.  Sharon says he has star quality, and asks for a kiss.  Howard agrees that he's not annoying.  Isaac celebrates his trip to Las Vegas by pretending to faint.   I am not sure this boy can win, because he's not a heartthrob male singer, but... he might just make the finals.

Spencer Horseman is the world youngest escape artist, at least that he knows of for sure.  He promises that the act he's doing this evening is very dangerous and he could get mangled or killed performing it.  Sounds fun.   Spencer puts on a strait jacket and heads out to meet the judges.  His act; he's got about a minute and a half to release himself from the strait jacket before a huge, menacing metal trap (which will be set on fire) traps him in its jaws of flaming death.  Now, that's entertainment.  I will feel so guilty if this kid dies trying to amuse me.

Spencer is suspended head-down under that contraption.  A rope that holds the trap open is set on fire; when it burns through, it will snap.  Nick gets very concerned when it appears the strait jacket is stuck; the crowd is getting genuinely concerned... but then his arms are free, and he's struggling to get the jacket off his body... and in classic Hollywood storytelling mode, he jumps out of the trap just before the fire licks through the rope and the trap snaps.  Standing ovation.   I think, if the judges had not put him through, there might have been a riot.

A girl's dancing group called the Clog Academy has to follow that.  They are a little anti-climactic, since nobody looked for even a moment like they were going to die a fiery death, but their dancing is neat and precise, and they have a cute little five year old girl as an adorable accent.   They will go to Vegas.  They will get no further.

Svet does an interesting thing he calls  "hip-hop violin."  It's interesting.   It's not a million dollar act, but it's interesting.  And then we just have a montage of the judges saying yes to people and we don't even know why.

And here's a white straight male singer!  His name is Jake Wesley Rogers.  He sings and plays guitar, and he's better than Kevin Skinner, though he has no sob story to tell.  He's calm, confident and very professional, and he'd be a major contender if he looked less dorky.  He goes to Vegas.

Then we have a little person with a little impersonation act.  He calls himself.. Little Ozzy.  And he thinks Sharon Osborne has absolutely got to see this.  This is his fate, his destiny.  He comes out, all Ozzied out in black clothes with long, stringy black hair and Ozzy's trademark grimace.  Sharon almost loses it.  Howard imagines Ozzy snoring in his chair as he ignores this, but Sharon says he's at a dog show.

Ozzy Ozbourne at a dog show.  I hope he's not eating them.

Little Ozzy begins to sing "Mama, I'm Coming Home" and Sharon gets a little emotional at the song Ozzy wrote for her.  The first verse is kind of pretty and sweet, but then he gets very nasal on the second, and both men buzz him.  Sharon?  Not on your life.  Little Ozzy, you heartbreaker.  You have her just where you want her.  Even as the audience starts to scream and boo, the lady stands by this little imposter of her man.  She WILL let him finish.  Oh, hush, folks, I don't think he was THAT bad.  Quitcher bitching, he'll be done charming Sharon in a minute.  Of course, half the entertainment is the look on her face; you'd think it was actually Ozzy, for a second there.   At the conclusion, Howie says no.  Sharon thanks him so much for the serenade... but she says no.  Howard says that Little Ozzy should hug Sharon, and the crowd that was booing his singing a moment before is roaring their approval at this short embrace.

The Cut Throat Freak Show might just make everybody want Little Ozzy back.  They are three people who uh.... gross us all out and make us cringe with their really painful stunts.   Candy Pants stomps through broken beer bottles; the second guy lifts a chair with his eyelids.  Eric Odditorium is a creepy sword swallower.  Their act is gross, horrifying, dangerous, terrible to watch, and it does not get a single buzz.  It's like the judges were so horrified they forgot they had the power to stop it.   The guys vote yes, and this gruesome trio is on to Vegas, unless they all get tetanus in rehearsal.  Sharon can't vote for it.

Ron Christopher Porter Junior is SO excited to be here!  He wants to do movie voiceovers.  How in blazes is he going to make an act out of this?  Well... he assumes the vocal tics that you might hear in a very intense movie announcer, and uses that tone to narrate his own story.  The audience actually gets the joke, and he gets a lot of applause... but Howard Stern breaks his little heart and blows his little mind with a buzz that says, "This is not a million dollar act."  Yeah, you liked the lady who danced on broken glass, Howard.  Uh.... why is that guy lying on the ground in a crumpled mess of misery?   Call me cynical, but I think he's faking it.  He recovers awfully fast.  Howie's got the whole voiceover thing nailed, and he conducts the vote in the same spooky announcer voice;  Howard and Sharon both say no, and then Ron wants Nick's job.  He will settle for hanging out with him, and they hug like guys doing exaggerated comedy for a goofy TV show. 

Ron is hanging out with Nick.  Nick, ditch this guy fast.  Haven't you ever seen All About Eve?  At any rate, Ron announces the last act, Curtis Cutts Bey.  This truck driver is mangling "Give It To Me Baby" by Rick James, and he's the first act I've ever seen get three Xes simultaneously.   Nick and Ron decide to give this last act a little moral support, so they run on out to be his backup dancers.  Now, think about all those bad auditioners for American Idol.  Can you see Ryan Seacrest coming on the stage to be their backup singer?  No?  He takes himself too seriously?    Really, isn't this strange show kind of great?  These guys will be taking their show on the road, coming soon to a kareoke bar near you. 

America's Got Talent - Tampa Bay

America's Got Talent?  Yes, it's silly.  Yes, you see atrocious crap on there that nobody else would ever inflict upon you.  You also see sparkling bits of genius nobody else would ever give audience.  And at the end of it all, it's always won by a cute guy with a guitar whether he sings on key or not, because the closer it gets to the end, the more it gets like American Idol.  American Idol is no longer capable of choosing a winner who is not white, male and straight.  America's Got Talent will look over the most amazing and innovative group act in the world in favor of a singer who is white, male and straight.  In the next few weeks I'll be evaluating every act that gets to Las Vegas, and I will make a guess as to how far they will get until they meet up with the winner, who will be a white, male, straight singer. 

Yes, I know I missed a few weeks.  I've been busy, but I'm all about this now, so let's GO!  We'll start with what happened this week.  If I've already missed the straight male singer who is going to win, well, that's my loss, but we will see all the good stuff, anyway.

Introduction!  We've got Howie!  We've got Sharon!  We've got a horrifying weasel named Howard that I've been avoiding for years, but he's found me now.  And we are in... Tampa Bay, Florida. 

First up... an urban song and dance group from called Inspire the Fire. from North Carolina.   They say they've been compared to the Urban Glee, and I find myself looking for a black Kurt and dreading a hispanic Blaine, but these kids are real and they don't have any terrible writers ready to scuttle their dreams.  They are trying to give urban kids a positive goal, and that's already a win as far as I am concerned.  They start to sing and dance, and after about two choruses I am thinking... OK, A++++ for civic responsibility and backstory.  Singing and dancing?  About a B.  This is nice.  It is not amazing.  They are a Glee club.  They are all minorities.  They really do not suck.  But the fact that they are here doing a constructive, positive thing is a wonderful event.  They are doing a great thing... pretty well.  And of course they are moving on.  I do not think they will come anywhere near the finals.  I would not mind being proven wrong.

Then we have The Bikini Bombshells.  Who bombed.  See, it's called America's Got Talent, not America's Got a Healthy Sex Drive.  We have four really pretty girls in bikinis who are hoping very much that the audience is made up of drunk straight men who haven't had sex in awhile.  They... uh... move to music a little.  Howie really, really wanted them to be good.  Really, really.  Sorry, Howie.  These girls would not make a high school drill team.  Howie kept his hand off the buzzer and let them finish their routine, but he was the only one.  He thought they were terrible, atrocious - but he loved it!  Howard suggests they get a rich husband. 

Now we have a montage of loser acts, including eerie, creepy costumed characters who would give my son nightmares and an old guy who wants to be Edward Scissorhand...no, really, he just wants to be on television.  There are a lot of those.  Then we have a stream of angry red Xs over various crap until the judges fight.  There's a fair to middling ballet dancer who needs to be doing this with a girl, and after the third X Sharon says he needs a partner, so Howie volunteers.   See, this is why America's Got Talent is kind of great.  I don't think Simon Cowell would get onstage with a singer to pretend to perform with them.  The trick to creating a cheesy, silly program is to understand that it's cheesy and silly, and to embrace that. 

After the break we've got these seven burly macho guys with tattoos who have some kind of act.  What are these manly manly men going to do for us?   They are called All That, and they are going to... clog.  I'm sorry, what?  They are going to CLOG.  SERIOUSLY?   Like, Riverdance?   Like... yes, and don't you dare laugh.  They've been doing this for fourteen years, and they are crisp and precise, and really quite good.  The audience roars, the Xes stay silent, and they are through to Las Vegas.  Sharon wants them to teach Ozzy.  I would pay money to see that. 

There's a very pretty lady who does a nice job with some hula hoops, and she gets through to Vegas, although I doubt she will get any farther, followed by a pretty amazing magician named Jonathan Rolly whom I wish had been given more time to showcase his tricks for us.  He did his magic in a whirlwind and disappeared to the Vegas Line in a heartbeat.  Then we have a bunch of cute shirtless guys who call themselves Boss.  They've got the same idea as the Bikini Bombshells, but with a twist... they can actually dance.  They came, they danced, they flamed a little, and they are on to Vegas. 

After the break we meet a cute little boy who tells us how LOUD the Xes are, and then we hear some more Xes for bad acts just to prove him right.  Escape artist Michael Griffin appeared to be a legitimate escape artist in his first introduction.  He certainly talks a good game, and he asks Howard Stern to come tie him up.  Howard goes all cranky and growly and says he's voting no, but Michael soldiers bravely on.  Howard will tie him up.  Nick will be the Official Time Keeper.  So Howard starts tying this guy up, and he's not nearly as good at it as you might expect.  Sharon is bellowing instructions from the peanut gallery.  Howard gets his scarf caught in the rope.  Finally, the guy is all tied up, and Howard gets to sit down again.  Griffin starts shaking like he's having a seizure, and the audience starts to boo... but, in fact, the tremors loosen the ropes on his feet.  He's so graceless and ungainly - at one point he tips the chair over - that all three of the judges X him... just as he indeed breaks free from the rope.  So here we have three Xes for a successful act as the crowd goes wild. He got free in 26 seconds.  However... Howard isn't any good at this.  Could Michael Griffin have escaped from real knots tied by somebody who knew what he was doing?  We will never know, because he is not moving on. 

Nick is seen in the crowd outside, speaking to a group of older gentlemen in suits who call themselves The Distinguished Men of Brass.  They are from Tampa Bay, they are  mostly over 50 years old, they are all gentlemen of color, they all have band instruments, and they are all wearing suits.  Their leader explains that they were doing gigs in a local theme park when they lost their jobs.  This is now their job; they have turned their misfortune into an opportunity.  And they are... a pretty unique marching band.  They play those instruments while dancing in place and singing "I Like it Like That."  Nick loves it, the crowd loves it, and I think they are probably the best thing we've seen tonight.  Sharon is very pleased that they created this opportunity for themselves, and they are through to Vegas.  I don't know how far they can get... I think they will survive for awhile, but I don't think they will win.  They are not a white straight male singer. 

And there's this old guy who has fallen asleep in his chair as he waits.  Wow, if this were a snoring contest, he'd win for sure.  Somebody rouses him, and he tells us amiably that his name is Ulysses and he's a singer.  He's only 49; the gray hair and the whole sleeping-in-a-chair thing made him seem older.  He's wanted to be on TV since he was watching the Ed Sullivan show as a kid... every move this man makes just screams "big old dork" and it looks like he's going to be a joke contestant, especially as he waxes poetic about how he used to love corny old TV shows.    How much does he love them?  Well, apparently, they are going to be his act.  He launches into a rendition of - get this - the Theme Song from the Love Boat.  It's corny.  It's cheesy.  It's dorky.  The only thing good about it is... uh... this man really does have quite a beautiful baritone voice.  He'd be a huge hit singing The Love Boat on a cruise ship.   Maybe that's his angle; he's hoping that some Royal Caribbean is coming to hire him after they see him do this.  He is not winning this, of course, but he's got the crowd on his feet in no time.  Howard buzzes him anyway, because he's an old crankypants, but Howie and Sharon let him finish.  The crowd goes wild.  Seriously.  Howard doesn't think this is a million dollar act, and he's right, but dude, it's just the first round.  He was in tune and everything, and it's kind of funny how dorky and competent he is.  Ulysses says he does a variety of genres in his act; I wonder if he'd be as effective doing the cruise ship singer thing singing some other song besides The Love Boat.  Howard has read my mind.  He wants to hear Green Acres.... Oh, yeah!  Ulysses can sing that!  And then, Howie realizes that this is what's going to put Ulysses through to the next round - theme songs as his primary material.  That's his schtick.  Howard, still unconvinced, asks to hear The Addams Family.  Yes, he can do that!  By the time they are up to Dada da DAH, the crowd is on its feet. Howard still votes no, but Howie says yes, and Sharon isn't going to argue with the crowd.  Ulysses goes to Vegas.  He will be eaten alive... or he will find a stage that will take him forever. 

And that's my first episode of America's Got Talent.  I will bet money we did not see the winner today.  Turn in tomorrow for more news from Tampa!

Celebrity Apprentice Recap Index for Season Five

OK, Celebrity Apprentice Fans... mostly Clay Aiken fans... here is an index to make it easier for you to find all the recaps I did for Celebrity Apprentice this season.  I did not recap the first task. 

 Getting Medieval

 How Much is That Celebrity in the Window

 Failure to Launch

Failure to Launch - Adam Fights Back

 I'm Going to Mop the Floor With You

 Party Like a Mock Star

 Walking Papers Part One

Walking Papers Part Two

Ad Hawk

Puppet Up

Winning by a Nose Task

Winning By a Nose Board Room

Jingle All the Way

Blown Away

And Then There Were Two - Aubrey Gets Fired at Last

And Then There Were Two - Final Teams

And Then There Were Two - Team Clay, Team Arsenio

And Then There Were Two- Suspicious Mind, Trusting Mind

And Then There Were Two - To Shoot a PSA

Live Blog, Finale Part One

Live Blog, Finale Part Two

Reflections on the Finale Result

Glee Episode Recap Index for Season Three

Did you enjoy my Glee Recaps for Season Three?  Well, they are kind of scattered through this blog, so use this index to find each of them in their entirety, in their correct place.

"The Purple Piano Project"

"I Am Unicorn"

"Asian F"

"Pot O Gold"

"The First Time"

"Mash-Off"

"I Kissed a Girl"

"Hold On to Sixteen"

"Extraordinary Merry Christmas"

"Yes/No"

"Michael"

"The Spanish Teacher"

"Heart"

"On My Way"

"Big Brother"

"Saturday Night Glee-Ver"

"Dance With Somebody"

 "Choke"

"Prom-asaurus"

"Props"

"Nationals"

"Goodbye"

"Goodbye" Glee Episode Recap

Glee Episode Recap:  "Goodbye"

Will is moving slowly down the corridors when he hears a little ragtag group of kids singing something.... is it live, or is it memory? Is it both? He slips in and sees them.

Before they were champions...
Before they were winners...
Before they made the cover of magazines and turned pop culture upside down...
Before they were Emmy nominees, Teen Choice nominees, People's Choice nominees, Golden Globe winners...

They were five in number, and they were all stereotypes. The Black Sassy Chick, the Gay Kid, the Wheelchair Kid, the Shy Asian Girl, and that annoying Jewish girl with the big nose who was supposedly the only one with any talent.

They were singing Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat.

Now they are winners, they have awards on their mantles, and we all know all of them sing better than Finn does. Every one of them has proven themselves capable of outstanding solo vocal work. Will even let four of them represent the group in competition. They have also all five proven themselves to be more than their stereotype... well, maybe not Tina. Maybe next year she will get to be a real girl.

Mercedes Jones, Kurt Hummel, Artie Abrams, Tina Cohen-Chang, and Rachel Berry.

And there they are, singing Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat. It still kind of sucks, but it's also made of awesome, because they all are, and this was one of the things Brad got right.

As they end, Will gets all choked up, because this is a manipulative moment, and he gives them a manipulative theme that will lead to some really screwed up choices. They have to say "Goodbye" to each other. Funny how this is the first time in three years a senior has graduated from the Glee Club, unless that's what happened to Matt... but nobody sang for him! Poor Matt! Really, how DID they get a Glee Club made up entirely of Freshman and Sophomores? Mercedes wants to lock the doors and stay there forever, probably because she knows that she's about to get written out of the show almost completely. Brittany even offers up a plan that involves waste paper basket abuse, murder and cannibalism... I've heard of eating at Joe's, but this is ridiculous. Will decides he'd rather just sing to them, which is kind of nice. Matt Morrison has a really beautiful voice that is desperately underused on the show. It's a shame this particular song is so boring. He's singing "Forever Young", which makes sense not only because they will stay forever young in his mind's eye as they go through life, but because he's been reliving his own teenage glory days vicariously through them, especially Finn, for the last three years.

Arsenio Hall Tweets an interesting idea to Clay Aiken

Oh, the things you come across accidentally in cyberspace.

I have just found evidence that Arsenio Hall may:
1. Be Clay Aiken's friend
2. Have a conscience.

Look at this, from Twitter.

 Arsenio Hall ‏@ArsenioOFFICIAL

Hey @clayaiken If we record "Lean On Me" and sell the track on Itunes, I think we could make money for The Inclusion Project?! ‪

Well first of all...

Yes, Arsenio, I suspect you could probably  turn that into another venue for publicity for both of you.  If you all made some money off of it, from the fans of both men, and it went to Clay 's charity, that would indeed help make up for the rigged ending to the Celebrity Apprentice.   I like the fact that this is Arsenio's idea, I like the fact that he seems to want to help Clay's charity... possibly because he knows he's running around with 250 grand that should have gone to the National Inclusion Project instead.  Well, I can't blame Arsenio for wanting to further his own career, but if he's willing to use his new situation to help Clay and the kids, I am happier with him.   As show business types go, this is nicer than usual... if they actually do it.  

Trump can still disappear into the abyss for all I care. 

Or maybe Arsenio just wants to become a recording star!  LOL

"Nationals" Glee Episode Recap

" Nationals"

Glee Episode Recap

And then they won Nationals, as we have all known they would for at least the past year, and lived happily after! Ah, but getting there is half the fun, right? And we've been told that Tina and the other juniors must wait, because it's the Seniors turn to shine, right? Right?!

Uh, sure... if by "Seniors" you mean "Rachel and Finn.". Because in this last great triumph for New Directions, they had almost all of the spoken and sung lines.

YIPPEE! Go Finchel! Go Finchel! Team Finchel! Team Finchel! And it's nice to know, at the end of the day, that the Nationals judging was as weird and arbitrary as it has ever been.

We begin with a little manufactured drama that ends up being entirely meaningless. Mercedes is sick. Really, really sick. She's got a 101.2 fever, caused by a bad burrito. That's what you get for ordering a burrito in Chicago. No, no, Weezy, when you go to Chicago you get the hot dogs, the pizza, or the beefsteak. If you want decent Mexican you need to come to my neck of the woods.

Sue and Will launch into a few minutes of very clearly labeled expository discussion intended to remind us that Sue loses her job if New Directions doesn't win, in a demonstration of meta that is now occurring so often it's become really tiresome. Sue has suddenly become an actual teacher; she wants this win for the kids, by whom she means "Finn and Rachel."

Will sees that Mercedes is out, so he orders Quinn, who has been out of her wheelchair and on her feet for approximately a day and a half, to join the Troubletones numbers. Tina is going to join it as well, because they need both of these girls to fill in for one Mercedes. They do not the need any of the boys for anything, because all the boys of New Directions were completely loyal all year long. No, I'm never getting over how bad that writing was. Mercedes protests missing her last competition, so Nurse Sue goes immediately to work and I just hope she doesn't kill her with her fast-healing intensity.

Emma (who - this is important - is still a virgin) comes up to Will (the most frustrated man in Ohio) who is sitting on the ground, feeling defeated. Will (seems to have decided that all the Glee Club seniors will crumple up and die if they don't win Nationals. It occurs to me that if this were true, most kids would never graduate from High School, and somehow I suspect that everybody in this group would still be alive the next day even if they lost. Heck, some of them have college plans and everything. "They never get to win" says Will, who has forgotten about:

- First year sectionals champs
- First year Cheerios champs, Santana, Brittany, and Kurt
-Second year sectionals champs
- Second year regionals champs(for everybody except Kurt and Blaine)
- Second year football champs (all the boys except Kurt and Blaine)
- Third year sectionals champs
- Third year regionals champs.
- Class President Brittany Pierce
- Homecoming King Finn (What happened with Rachel should not count; with Kurt, it clearly does not)

More after the jump

Top Ten Reasons Why I am Glad Clay Aiken Went On Celebrity Apprentice

So, the Celebrity Apprentice was rigged for Arsenio Hall from the first time they all arrived in New York City.  Am I disappointed?  Angry?  Disillusioned?

Yeah, maybe.

Am I glad Clay did the show?  Actually... yes.  And here's why:  my top ten reasons why I am glad Clay Aiken went on Celebrity Apprentice.

10. I got back in touch with Clay Aiken and the Clay fandom.
9. I got to write about that time my husband and I met Penn and Teller, and I'm glad so many people liked the story.
8.   Everybody with a brain knows Clay really won the finale, and Adam Carolla, first pick for Team Arsenio, is running around telling everybody who hasn't figured it out for themselves.  We don't have to make up the conspiracy theories this time; they are being handed to us.
7.  Clay Aiken reentered the national limelight and showed a whole new side to himself:  extremely intelligent, creative, resourceful, and capable.
6. Clay Aiken got to debate about politics on Face the Nation. 
5.  Clay Aiken did a duet with Dee Snider of Twisted Sister and it was really pretty cool.
4. We got to hear Clay sing a couple of new songs on the show.
3.The Crystal Light Task was absolute magic from beginning to end.
2. Clay Aiken raised over $350,000 for the National Inclusion Project over the course of two tasks.
1. We had Clay Aiken on our television set for an entire spring.  I never thought that would happen again.  He didn't win... but he didn't go out the first week, either.  It was really, really good to see him again. 

And maybe one more:

Hey, I started a blog!  It was really successful!  Thanks so much to everybody for reading and enjoying!  Glee is going to be pretty quiet for a bit - and I am absolutely furious with the show anyway - and of course, Celebrity Apprentice is over, but I will keep popping up with news about Clay and Chris Colfer as the opportunity arises, and I can finally give Korra some attention.

Final Thoughts on The Celebrity Apprentice: The Trump Card is the Art of the Deal

 Final Thoughts on Season Five of Celebrity Apprentice

Why Arsenio Hall defeated Clay Aiken

To quote Penn Jillette, author of "Clay Aiken by Penn Jillette"

  "I have NEVER felt so SET UP in MY LIFE!"  

I really should have known better.  Perhaps I'm a little bit too much like Teresa;  it's not that I don't know there is injustice and evil out there, but I keep hoping that it won't happen this time.    This is the time honored adage; if you lie down with dogs, you will wake up with fleas, and today we are all scratching our itches.

In a way, Donald Trump's televised love letter to himself is really quite a remarkable feat of marketing, a business deal that requires jaw-dropping skill.  Every week, he asks viewers like us to spend at least an hour paying very close attention to two lovingly crafted advertising campaigns that are designed to show the contestant's skill in extolling the appeal and value of a particular product.  The Celebrity Apprentice is one long advertisement from beginning to end, masquerading as a fundraising program for charity.  One the commercial is over, Trump gets to sit on high as sole arbitrator, judge and jury, passing judgement on other people for their skills, their character, their decisions, using criteria that changes like the ocean waves and for which there is no appeal.  You stay if Trump wants you to stay.  If he wants you to go, you are fired.  He says he bases his decisions on your performance, and I do think that is partially true, but ultimately, he does what he wants, because in his own board room, Donald Trump is God.  Not even during the Simon Cowell era of American Idol have I seen a show that was so much dedicated to building up the ego of one particular person.

Celebrity Apprentice likes to pretend it exists to raise money for charity, but obviously this is not true.  The amount that Trump himself doles out in every challenge to the winning PM is almost certainly reimbursed by the company he is promoting by allowing them to come on his show.   The corporations almost always offer as much or more than Trump does.  The charity is a smokescreen; it is the part of this game that makes it palatable for us, the viewers, and it's the impetus that ropes in somebody like Patricia Velasquez, who actually watched her primary donors raise money for her charity that was then snatched away and given to somebody else.  I feel worse for her than I do for Clay right now.  She really was terribly cheated.   Others, like Aubrey O'Day,  recognize this show as an opportunity to reignite a fading show business career.  For Aubrey, the charity was very clearly an afterthought to her mission of self-promotion.  While Clay has enormous passion for the National Inclusion Project, I do think that he also wanted a chance to get back into the national limelight, and it's of course quite clear that Arsenio did as well.

This season has been grimly dotted with the stories of people who were fully aware that they were fired for arbitrary and capricious reasons that had nothing to do with the quality of the work they did, and the grumbling over how Trump runs his show began long before last night.  I dedicated this blog entry to a podcast from Adam Carolla, who revealed how he was eliminated for, essentially, not keeping silent when Michael Andretti refused to PM a task about cars.    I have no great love for Adam, who strikes me as crass, smarmy, and inclined to juvenile jokes, but there was no question at all that his car presentation was very much better than that of the women.  He lost because Donald Trump is the wild card.  Adam can produce a pair of aces, but Trump's wild card - his capricious, arbitrary, self-involved nature - Trumps everything.  Trump wanted Andretti to talk about Buick.  When he did not do that, there was hell to pay in the single biggest travesty of the entire series outside of the finale.  Trump has nobody to answer to, nobody to check his absolute power over this show. 

A lot of Clay fans are not as fond of Penn Jillette as I am.  Not everybody enjoyed his satirical song devoted to Celebrity Apprentice because the chorus makes fun of having heart to hearts with Clay Aiken.  However, if you really listen to the lyrics of his song, available at this tumblr you will see that his argument with Clay was really just a very small part of what he objected to during the run of Celebrity Apprentice.  Penn clearly thought the entire endeavor was superficial and phony, and he compares the lives they were living as celebrities carrying out Trump's little tasks to the lives of working class people working very hard in factories and diamond mines.

I do not believe that Arsenio Hall, who strikes me as being more funny than savvy and more passive than managerial, won Celebrity Apprentice.  I believe that Magic Johnson won Celebrity Apprentice.  Clay Aiken runs a small charity that helps disabled children feel like they belong; Magic Johnson runs a superstar charity that saves lives while giving famous people a lot of publicity.  Magic Johnson is about to launch a television channel.  Magic Johnson can help give NBC and Trump a lot of clout and publicity.  All Clay Aiken, runner-up on a reality show long since completed, can do is be better at organizing and executing actual marketing and fundraising campaigns than Arsenio is.  (He's also better at singing, although this was strangely unimportant this time, most of the time.)    Clay was, I think quite clearly, very much the better contestant, and the dejected faces of nearly all his fellow contestants at the moment of victory for Arsenio say more to this than a thousand lines of spin spouted by Trump.    But Arsenio Hall can further Trump's business interests more than Clay can.   In that regard, he is the more fitting winner for this show.

Celebrity Apprentice is not about who raises the larger amount for charity.  It's about who offers Donald Trump the best business deal.  And Arsenio Hall, soon to be seen on a talk show on Magic Johnson's brand new cable channel, made Trump the better offer.  In that respect, he has done what Clay did not; he mastered the Art of the Deal. 

Visit The National Inclusion Project to support Clay's charity.

This just in:  Adam Carolla confirms that the Celebrity Apprentice finale was rigged.  Remember that Adam was actually on Team Arsenio during the finale.

- Virtually everybody thought Clay's variety show was better with much better production values.
- In the Board room, the cast was polled; virtually everybody thought Clay won easily.
- Adam, Arsenio's team captain, was confused by the result.
- A woman Adam would not identify took Adam off-mike and explained that Arsenio won because he had a deal with NBC for a new talk show.
- Adam says that Clay "got jobbed" and that he was in shock after the results.
- There were conspiracy theories flying immediately after the finale. 

Adam Carolla's podcast

Reposted from The ConCLAYve: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

 I have linked my blog to this very interesting article and picture from another blog called The ConCLAYve.   They have a very interesting picture to share with us, and I want to make sure I give full credit where it is due for their blog. 

The ConCLAYve: A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Please notice the body language of the other contestants.  That's really remarkable. 

Clay Nation: Check in on this blog later this evening...

I will have a few final thoughts on this season of Celebrity Apprentice, how previous capricious decisions by Trump indicated that merit was often NOT the primary criteria for eliminations, and how this final travesty represents the Real Trump -

Primarily concerned about money...

Obsessed with the Art of the Deal.

Adam Carolla and Penn Jillette have had some pretty damaging things to say about Trump in the past, and we can look at how this latest debacle fits in with some fairly slimey things that have gone before - in past seasons as well as this one.

Final Thoughts On Celebrity Apprentice

Live Blog: Celebrity Apprentice Finale - Second Hour!

The curtain is down...

Arsenio the Berlin Wall has fallen.  

Arsenio says he's never wanted anything so badly in his life.  It's been ten years since he's done standup.

Trump takes a break to introduce the final team members who were fired, in order of demise.  God, Aubrey's dress is awful.  At least her hair is less nasty.

Aubrey begins by talking about she is so terribly insecure.  She doesn't want people to feel bad because of how she's treated folks.

Lisa - forced to look at clip where she says she does not want to be a catty, bitchy team, and then we watch her being hateful and insulting.  Clip after clip after clip.

Lisa laughs, Aubrey looks pained.  Lisa admits she's a mental case.  Trump shows another clip where Lisa is crying, and then Dayana making fun of that.  Huge cheers.  Dayana takes a bow.

Lisa tells Dayana that she thinks the impression was great.

Yikes, I just lost half of what I was just typing.  I am going to fast forward to the important thing... Penn Jillette thinks CLAY AIKEN SHOULD WIN.

Clay and Arsenio introduce each other.  They play off each other like teammates.  They introduce their charities.

Clay gets to show his ad first because he whipped Arsenio's ass.  Foreshadowing?  Guys, I think we've got foreshadowing going on all over the place here. Clay had a touching, believable add that focuses on the children he wants to help.  He is proud to show them how important inclusion is for him.

Then we see a few bad outfits that get a few laughs, followed by Magic Johnson footage that isn't ruined.  Arsenio says that he would not feel bad if Clay were to win.

Foreshadowing, ladies and gents.

Adam begins his comedy act.  He's making fun of Trump - discusses a broken moral compass.  Wise?

Adam pronounces Teresa's name incorrectly.  Insults start to fly.  Is this a good strategy?

Lisa begins talking about how Clay is the first gay finalist, and I find I'm kind of offended by her.  Again.  No, they did not nail it, Arsenio.  This is crass and inappropriate. I will not be happy if this wins.

Now we are onto the musical portion.  I get to hear Aubrey sing, and I think she's terrible.  Penn and Teller do some magic tricks -cups and balls.  Ball becomes a potato.  Now Debbie gets to sing Shake Your Love, but Dee interrupts her and it turns into a 80's duel that's really pretty funny.

Clay begins to sing Had the Time of My Life.  Oh, it is SO good to hear him sing, even if he's dueting with THAT THING.  Clay thinks he's going to win.  He does not say it will be OK if Arsenio wins.

Arsenio thinks it's hard to go up against somebody you like.

Live Board Room!

I am behind, must catch up here.  Lisa says Arsenio gave them free reign.  But why did she give Clay money?  Clay helped her from both a personal and a professional standpoint.  Adam can't believe it.

Adam pretends he had a good time.  We know better.  Adam makes bad jokes.  This is not suprising  Adam is glad to be picked.

Aubrey does not have enough time to discuss Arseniio's weakness.  Her hatred is very clear.   REALLY clear.  Aubrey wants Clay to win.

Magic Johnson is happy.  Ivanka praises the execution of Arsenio's ad.

Trump praises Dee's song.  

Arsenio raised $167,000 dollars.  Clay raised $301,000.  Oh, man, he's GOT to win!  He had twice as much money and a much better party!  And he's been a better contestant all season.

Everybody leaves except for Clay and Arsenio.   Trump says this will be a very tough decision.  It had better not be.

Now Arsenio and Clay are introduced live.

Guys, I will fill this in later. I am getting too far behind.

Only Teresa and Dayana want Arsenio to win.  Lisa wants Clay to win, and he wants Arsenio to get a talk show, which I think is dead on right.  Dee and Debbie want Clay to win.  YES!

Up to the present moment, 9:41 p.m.

Clay and Arsenio are singing a duet together.  They are in Clay's wheelhouse.  Arsenio does not sing very well.

Guys, this is Clay's finale. It's all about him. All about him.

He's got this.  I can feel it.  Everybody with a brain knows he should win, and they are singing in this finale.  Not telling jokes.  Singing.  

Previous winners:  Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers, Brett Michaels, John Rich...

(Clay Aiken, Clay Aiken, Clay Aiken.)  

Clay, why should you win?  There were low expectations, he has shown that he has what it takes, and his mama is here.  She should not see him lose again.  He did lose one task, but he did a great final exam. 

Trump asks Arsenio if he's sucking up.   Trump has Arsenio's number.  What Arsenio really wants is a talk show. Arsenio points out that he's been on magazine covers.  


Choosing Penn ... a good choice.  

Lisa asks if Arsenio finds her attractive.  Dayana asks him the same question... this is just dumb.   It's wasting time.   

We are one commercial break away.  

Donald Trump makes his final announcement:    Arsenio Hall wins Celebrity Apprentice.  

Addendum:  I have learned something very interesting.

Magic Johnson is about to launch a new television channel called Aspire.  It will feature primarily black performers.  It is being launched by Comcast, which is the parent company of NBC.  


I think we now know what happened and why.  Clay could have raised a million dollars, and Arsenio would still have won. 


Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.

check-in-on-this-blog-later

Final Thoughts on Celebrity Apprentice

Live Blog: Celebrity Apprentice Finale! First Hour

And so it begins, Clay's attempt at redemption, his second chance to win a reality show.

The Donald has just roared into his studio in a racecar like an Andretti, and he is currently praising his own philanthropy.

It's anybody's  game - take a look.

They began with 18 has-beens and minor celebrities, not the biggest names.  People threw tantrums.   Parties were thrown.  People got fired for good reasons and bad.  Two survived the capricious whims of Donald - Clay and Arsenio.

Clay wants to help children.

They fight with Penn and Aubrey.

Clay and Arsenio make friends with each other, but they've got to set it aside now.  This is the big one.  They've got to create a charity event.

Arsenio focuses on making fun of the celebrities... and for Clay, it was ALL ABOUT THE KIDS.

ALL ABOUT THE KIDS.  Let's get the priorities straight, folks.

OK, roll call, one last time. If anybody is wondering why I am live blogging this, it's because I am not going to have the heart to recap this if he loses.

Arsenio has just discovered that Magic is facing the wrong way, but there are two more feeds coming.  Adam is afraid he's let Arsenio down.  Finally Magic turns around the right direction, and Arsenio is happy again.

Debbie is still trying to get those sketches for Clay, and she still thinks he's being unreasonable, and I still think he's right to ask for this.

Debbie is afraid the stress will keep her from singing well.  Debbie does not sing well anyway.

Up next:  The Fired Celebrities return to the Board Room.

Donald says the most important thing is family, and he may even believe it.   The morning of the event, Team Clay heads over to the venue.  Debbie is still complaining about the sketches.  Her cousin finally sent the pictures, and they are gorgeous, and Debbie is relieved that Clay likes what he sees.

Arsenio explains that there are two  different parties separated by a partition.  The two groups will eventually end up performing together at the end of the night.

Adam wants to write some lines for Paul and Teresa.  They can't do it for themselves.

Adam wants to create a roast.  Arsenio does not want a roast.  He wants a positive, feel-good event.  Adam is unhappy with this.

Clay's carnival is beginning to come together.  The mural painter is here, and they've got a LOT of work to do.  There are booths to put up, and.. oh, look, Aubrey tries to run off with the NY Lounge guy again.  Clay  steps up to keep track of what's going on, and Aubrey complains again because she likes the idea that she's the only person who never does anything and Clay is actually running things.

Arsenio wants to create a bar atmosphere.  Lots of booze.  He wants clean, simple decor.    He wants to give people booze, make them drunk, make them laugh.   There appears to be a chandelier.

Stuff is coming together at Team Clay, but the mural is still not done, so Clay's got EVERYBODY - including a very surprised Teller - painting this mural.

Trump welcomes back all the losers who were not invited to be part of the final two teams.   They parade across the screen, smile, wave, and take their seats meekly.   We discuss how Lou gives 110% over and over, but he's 110% fired.

Lou has recently had surgery; he can now hear without a hearing aid, and he's raised 41 grand for her charity.

Dayana still has nothing positive to say about Lisa.  Trump suggests that she had a wonderful time, and she coldly thanks him for the opportunity.

Trump asks Victoria if her background helped her in CA, and she says... no... she came in almost last.  She liked the men, but disliked backstabbing women and thought one was a cartoon character (Aubrey) and thought one (Lisa) was crass and tasteless.   Knives are ou!

Patricia scolds Trump.   She lost money for her charity, and it really was not good.  They did not reach their goals; they can't give the kids hot meals.  Trump was expecting a happier answer, I think.

Tia observes the divisive atmosphere on the women's team - Aubrey and Lisa were problems on the women's team.  A theme is developing here.

George Takai - felt he was helped by Trump's kind comments when he got fired; people gave money to George's charity anyway, and everybody claps hands at the only feel-good story of the segment.    A LOT of bitterness here.

Tape rolls to the night of the event.  They discover to their shock that Clay has a HUGE group of people here trying to get into his event... his fans still love him after all this time.  Arsenio has about six people.

Lisa asks who has $10 grand to give Arsenio.  Crickets!  Arsenio cannot find all the familiar faces who promised him money.

Clay asks for the biggest donors first:  20 grand gets a fan in.  Yeah, Clay fans!!!!!!  Claymates are amazing, says Dee!  10 grand from Kelly Clarkson.  Thanks, Kelly!  10 grand from David Foster!  That's the family connection!  Oral Hershiser arrives, and gives 20 grand.

Arsenio's checks start arriving:  5 grand from Jay Leno.

Seriously?

5 grand from Chris Rock.

Eddie Murphy does a little better, offering 10 grand, and I guess he can still come  to Arsenio's parties.

Five grand from George Lopez.

Are they trying to tell us something here?

Then Leno gives another check, and I think he's doing a little better by his friend, here.   Ten thousand from Jimmy Kimmel... well, did he ever  REALLY like Clay?  Two faced!

Marco Andretti gives them 10 grand.  Classy family.  Arsenio, don't drop it on the ground.   You need that.

Lisa thinks the best way to donate money to a charity run by a gay man is to hire a drag queen to dress up as her and do it for her.  Yep, that's Lisa.  10 grand from Lisa, who works for Arsenio.  they are going to discuss this all night, aren't they?  Lisa tells everybody that Clay made her life happy... and that's why she did this for him.

They open up the doors.  Welcome to the carnival.  Let's all play!  A carnival for a children's charity.   Clay thinks it looks incredible.  The mural is awesome.  The tent booths are great.  Clay is doing the hoola hoop, and Debbie gives it a shot as well.

Meanwhile, Arsenio invites everybody to get drunk.  There are magicians that can't possibly top Penn and Teller, and mostly the entertainment appears to be... schmoozing.

Whoopi Goldberg is on her way for Arsenio.   Trump goes in to see the Carnival at Team Clay.  Debbie Gipson greets him in mid hula hoop trick.  Aubrey takes him around to all the booths, because she wants to be the Program Manager, but Clay makes sure he stays in charge, and we hear the classic exchange.

"Just for that, I get to win..."
"Not yet."

Trump comes to see Arsenio's show, and Whoopi arrives as well.  Arsenio is happy because it seems to be going well. Now, let's pull the chord, and have the two parties become one.

Follow the jump to Part Two... this is getting too long. 

Part Two

Glee Episode Recap: "Props"

Glee Recap:  "Props"  

 The interesting writing for this episode begins, oddly enough, during Ian's intro. These nimrods finally figured something out. They've been trolling our chat rooms, our tumblrs, our forums, and it finally hit them. They've REALLY shafted Tina. She's one of the Original Five, faithful member of the Glee Club for three years. Her solos get interrupted, her clothing changes are ignored, and she can't even get a thank you for saving Mike's college ass. They don't know her name... so for one day this year... all eyes are on Tina. This is it. This is your episode, Tina. It's the only one, because we will be wallowing waist deep in Rachelness again before you know it. But this one's for Tina! Enjoy! And we'll try to make sure it does not get interrupted!

So of course, we will begin Tina's Own Episode by focusing on Mercedes and Kurt, because you know, they never get any attention. Sue's got them in her office, and she's on the warpath... It appears that Kurtcedes, who have obviously renewed their neglected friendship because RIB have been reading all the online bitching about it, have created a monster. Unique is on the cover of Show Choir Monthly, basking in the adulation of the crowd. Jesse St. James has been hailed as a visionary, and Vocal Adrenaline are now considered champions of diversity, even though they live in Ohio. Obviously, Ohio isn't really all that bad. It really is JUST McKinley that is a ravaging cesspool of hatred and suck. Mercedes and Kurt, possibly slightly proud of their transgendered girl, point out that Jesse was not in favor of Unique at first. No, no, THEY created this flaming star who sings and dances for the other team. THEY did this. Yes, Kurtcedes. She knows this, and she's got quite the punishment up her sleeve for Kurt.

Sue is concerned that Unique will trounce New Directions at Nationals, and Sue will lose the Cheerios forever to Roz. Therefore, they must fight flaming with flaming. Then she pulls it out... a flapper dress. Size Kurt. OK, Kurt. You've been begging for a competition solo forever. So have your fans. You've auditioned and auditioned. We've tweeted and tweeted. Now, here it is. The one chance. Your one shot. You will perform at Nationals, yes... wearing this dress. Your stage name is now Porcelina. You walk like a lady, you sing like a lady, now you will dress like a lady, because there is absolutely no difference in the world whatsoever between a gay boy who self-identifies as male and a transgender one who self-identifies as female.

This is, for the record, the second time faculty at McKinley have tried to do this to Kurt. The first time, Will congratulated himself roundly for offering Kurt a rare chance to play the lead as Frankenfurter in Rocky Horror. Kurt hated that idea as much as he hates this, and probably for the same reason; McKinley kids once saw him in a kilt, a man's skirt, and rose up in hatred to humiliate him. He simply cannot dress as a woman for a school event. It's just too costly for him, and he does not want to do it.

Wait... didn't he wear a dress at Halloween? Is that... is that... Oh, hell, yes. Snooki Hummel and The Situation Anderson went Trick-or - Treating this school year. Bada - BING! And looking prettier than her, I might add, Chris. (Aren't these two boys a bit old for this?)

But Kurt feels that a Halloween costume worn in the anonymity of night isn't quite the same as strutting the Nationals stage in a dress. He won't do it. Sue delivers the ultimatum. If they want to beat Vocal Adrenaline, Kurt needs to embrace his feminine side, and it does not matter whether he's comfortable with this or not.

But enough of that nonsense. This is Tina's episode! It's time for her to shine! So lets go onward to a lovely, feminine bedroom with artist books and a feminine hand that inscribes a dream: NYADA is my dest... wait a minute. That's not Tina. Oh, hi, Rachel. Why are you in Tina's episode? Oh, I see. You've regained your rampaging and devouring ambition that tramples everybody else. Did Prom Queen do that for you? Well, good, because you are far less insipid this way and I am glad to see you wanting things of substance again. I see that her dressing table holds a picture of her as Maria with Blaine. Yes, she still likes being a star, and now she's going to sing about it. Yes, Tina's episode begins with a Rachel solo.

 She's not going to give up! Maybe she can put that "Dream" poster back up. She ends this song in the auditorium, and picks up her phone to call Carmen Thibodeaux. Wait... how did she get Carmen's number? Does a really famous woman like this just give that out to every crazed diva who wants a second chance? She gets Carmen's answering machine, and leaves a message. Oh, wait... she's actually left 14 messages. Yes, that is a lot. Carmen may reconsider letting people have that number. Rachel has also sent her a muffin basket, and an invitation to see New Directions perform at Nationals. She's planning on winning the MVP award... she'd like Carmen to see her win that, so that Carmen will see that she's really genuinely talented. Of course, by now Carmen's probably decided that she's really, genuinely crazy, but Rachel's not ready to give up on her dream.

And now we are in the choir room. We have a shot at Tina... does that mean they will finally talk about her? Well, it's back to Will, as he writes "Nationals" on the board. You see, Nationals is about a broadcast hour away, so it's time for them to begin rehearsing for it. They will be singing Paradise by the Dashboard Light, and then Rachel gets yet another solo. She's singing "It's All Coming Back to Me" and Tina looks very sad. Then, the Troubletones will take the stage with Porcelina in the forefront...

"Not gonna happen, Dragon Lady" says Kurt.

"Oh, you'll do as you're told, he/she" says Sue, who still doesn't understand the difference between being a little swishy and being transgender. Sue does not know she's being offensive. Do the writers? I am not sure. She wants the Troubletones to do What a Feeling from Flashdance with genuine authentic faux welding masks that might have been a little like the facegear she wore in the movie. Sam uses it to show Joe his Inner Darth Vader, but unfortunately, Joe does not know who Darth Vader is. Joe does not know what a Star Wars is. Joe may not know what a movie is. Sue thinks props and Porcelina will win Nationals, and Blaine, the guy with the bow ties, thinks props are cheesy.

Will reminds them that they are underdogs. Well, actually, since the are going to Nationals for the second consecutive year, that's ridiculous, but this is Glee so we let it slide. They have one last week to learn these songs, choreograph them, put together the costumes, figure out the props, and talk Kurt into what he evidently feels is the biggest humiliation of his life... I guess they didn't learn that much from last year's underrehearsed fiasco anyway. if there's anybody in there who is not up for trying and working their butts off... just get up and leave.
Tina walks.

Everybody is frozen in shock. "You don't need me! Carry on!"

But Rachel needs this... no, Rachel needs to get into NYADA. Tina does not think that Rachel's blown audition is everybody else's problem. Maybe somebody else would like a solo! Mike is horrified. He thinks that Rachel is entitled to this solo because she is a senior... of course, Rachel was entitled to this when she was a sophomore at sectionals... when she was a sophomore at Regionals... when she was a junior at Regionals... when she was a junior at Nationals.. when she was a senior at Regionals... Will thinks Tina is very important. She's in charge of costumes. Tina feels like a human prop, which I think is stunningly accurate, and her NAME IS TINA, Sue. Yes, she's the one who used to pretend to stttttttutter.

 Mike will not win any awards for Boyfriend of the week this episode. He chases his beloved out of the choir room, not to comfort her or encourage her, but to scold her. Mike thinks Tina is being selfish. Tina wonders why Rachel's constant demand for solos is "claiming her stardom"; Tina's sudden demand is selfish. Mike thinks it's because Tina's younger than Rachel; it's the senior's moment to shine. That argument is unbelievably weak for so many reasons I don't know where to start, so I will probably end up pointing it out throughout in various spots throughout the next two recaps. This did NOT end up being the "the seniors" moment to shine in the slightest, and I've actually quite a beef about that. For now, I'll just say again that Rachel's had her moment to shine repeatedly with only two notable exceptions in the past three years, so Tina's got a point. She's making her point in the worst possible way at the very last moment, but she's certainly got a point. Mike finishes scolding his hurting girlfriend and backs away. Bop to the head to you, sir.

Now it's Rachel's turn to browbeat Tina, and she's actually marginally nicer about it. She's talking as fast as I've ever seen her do, and she thinks Tina's timing is rotten - because it is - but Rachel either realizes Tina has a point or just thinks she'll hush if she's mollified. So Rachel offers her fifty bucks to shut up. That gets the sullen glare it deserves. Rachel explains that she gets a NYADA audition do-over if Carmen happens to see it, which means she is making Will center the last performance for every senior in New Directions around her on the off chance that a second chance she has not really earned might happen. It would be different if they knew for sure that Carmen was going to be at Nationals anyway for other reasons, but Carmen has no reason to be there and Rachel is not giving her a good one.

"Our part is to make YOU look good" says Tina. Well, of course, kid, and it has been so for three years. Tina felt she has been overlooked for three years in the shadows while everybody else was singing solos. She is tired of being silent, because she was one of the Original Five, who sang "Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat" while Finn and Puck threw slushies at them.

Well, someone tell me, when is it my turn? Don't I get a dream for myself? Starting now it's gonna be my turn. Gangway, world, get off of my runway!

This is Tina's sentiment.... but she is not the person who sang that song. This is one of the other glaring problems with this episode, which I will get to a little later. See, in terms of competition solos only, Tina does not have the worst situation. Tina actually did get her big moment to shine during ABC at Sectionals, and she did a fine job.

Rachel's response is to say that the weird isolation and lack of leisure caused by her own aggressive Type A personality is some kind of cross to bear that Tina must pity. I don't think Rachel's obsessive interest in show tunes, coupled with heading a bunch of meaningless clubs and putting out for Finn, is a burden that becomes Tina's problem. But Rachel does think Tina should wait until next year... which is when Harmony and Unique and all the new characters from the Glee Project will arrive and shove Tina to the side again. Rachel will continue her steady stream of solos from New York. C'mon, you know that.

Tina wants one solo, one moment to stand on that stage, and sing without being interrupted, and get that standing ovation. Apparently, ABC has never existed for her.

Blaine and Kurt are hanging out in massage chairs at the mall, eating ice cream cones. Blaine is being a better boyfriend than Mike; he thinks Kurt should not have to dress in drag if he is not comfortable with it. Mike is being a jerk via text message as Tina steps off the escalator with arms insanely full of the cloth that will be all the dresses for New Directions in a manner of minutes; apparently Tina doubles as a one-woman Asian dressmaking sweatshop. This is actually disturbing. Tina rants at them, and Kurt, who does not know quite how to help, puts on his friendliest, most supportive voice and invites her to join them for hot pretzels. Maybe Kurt should be Tina's boyfriend. Maybe that crosses her mind.

Mike texts to inform Tina that Rachel is one of a kind. Mike's a jerk. So, Tina angrily texts and walks... straight into the fountain. BONK! What happens next... is the one of the best things Glee has done all year.

 Blaine and Kurt rush worriedly to her rescue, but as they pull her up from possible drowning, their faces change. It's not Kurt now, it's Finn. It's not Blaine, it's Puck... but he has a nice head of hair, and he's wearing a bow tie. Tina's own clothes have changed dramatically.

Puck in the bow tie asks if she can hear him; Finn in the fancy clothes says "It's me, Kurt." They are both calling her "Rachel." Mark-as-Blaine is worried; he thinks Rachel hit her head. Cory-as-Kurt wants to take her back to Glee Club; he should be taking her to the mall first aid station. Mark/Blaine thinks the priority is not to tend to her injured head, but to prepare her for her solo.. the character played by Jenna looks down at her ridiculous, dripping wet outfit, and realizes she's become Rachel.

Fortunately, since this is a dream sequence, Jenna/Rachel is completely dry within seconds and they find themselves back at McKinley. Cory/Kurt needs Jenna/Rachel's input on sheet music at Between the Sheets. That prompts a bitter little snipe from Mark/Blaine about Chandler, and Jenna/Rachel leaves them to argue.

I find this a little intriguing. This is happening in Tina's head. She saw Blaine break up with Kurt about Chandler, but did not see how they got back together. Does this scene indicate:
1. That Tina does not understand what that argument was really about, and still thinks there may be lingering animosity?
2. That Tina has actually observed lingering animosity?

At any rate, it does not matter because she's now being confronted by Artie, who is suddenly able to walk and has become a member of the Cheerios. Nope, sorry, it's Kevin/Santana, doing an almost DEAD ON, fabulous impression as he... er, she... uh... hopes Rachel does not choke on her solo like she did at NYADA. Immediately, Heather/Mercedes wheels up Naya/Artie, and Naya/Artie fervently tells Jenna/Rachel that he hopes she sings well, because winning Nationals is the most important that will ever happen to him, ever. Oh, Naya/Artie, I hope you have bigger dreams for yourself than that. Heather/Mercedes just says "Praise." I suspect that is all Heather could possibly handle for this assignment.

Amber/Brittney comes up to tell Jenna/Rachel that she needs to bail Lord Tubbington out of jail; he tried to sell her Ipod for drugs. That's some cat. This recap does not begin to do any of these switches justice, and there's no way it can. This is rapid-fire, hysterically funny, season - one quality Glee.

Ah... Lea/Tina arrives, slouching and depressed. Lea/Tina begins by putting herself down, and asks The Great Rachel Berry for pointers... until stopped by... and this is terrific... Matt/Sue, owning that unisex athletic suit like a bitch and managing to walk like a lady while insulting like a Sue. Matt did a GREAT job here. Jane/Will does herself proud in a natty sweater vest, calling Matt/Sue racist... And now the visual jokes are flying with delightful speed. There's perky Dianne/Sugar, a very tired and bored Darren/Mark - Darren in a mohawk! And then... ah, there he is, Jenna/Rachel's own true love... Chris/Finn, in a classic Finn slouch with a checkered shirt, looking at Jenna/Rachel as if she was the most beautiful thing in the world.

Ah, every straight girl wants Kurt to somehow be her boyfriend at some point or another.

Jenna/Rachel is not quite ready for the solo, and wants to think about it, but Chris/Finn, being a much better boyfriend than Harry/Mike, wants to give her a pep talk. He murmurs a few gentle, supportive words to her; he thinks she's best when under pressure. Now, Jenna/Rachel... show us how you, TINA, are going to win us Nationals. Oh, and then let's make out. Your boobs are bigger.

OK, if there are any Turt shippers out there, this one was for you.

A few more sight gags: Samuel/Mike is dating Lea/Tina. Harry/Joe, in resplendent dreadlocks, hangs with Damian/Sam, about to fall asleep. Chord/Rory sits in the background. I mention these now to get all this terrifically funny visual stuff, which I cannot describe well in words out of the way before I discuss this solo.

Jenna/Rachel, also known as Tina, gathers her courage and thinks of the song she wants to sing. Since this is a dream sequence, it's OK that she knows it instantly. And then... Jenna Ushkowitz begins to sing.

I understand that the writers of Glee basically did this as a much better version of Night of Neglect; they are giving Jenna her due. They are also permanently indicting themselves for underusing this girl, because her version of "Because You Loved Me" is EXQUISITE. It's as good as anything Lea does routinely, and better than a lot of what Naya and Darren do ad nauseum. Hey, RIB... variety is the spice of life, here. You really should have been splitting up all these solos a little more evenly this year, and Jenna is not the only one who got royally and horribly shafted. Itunes should not be the sole driving force of this show. Just saying.

Dianna/Sugar is loving it; she raises her hands in appreciation as she snuggles with Chord/Rory, Tina - for that is after all, the character Jenna is really playing - sings her heart out in the auditorium as supportive boyfriend Kurt - uh, Chris/Finn looks on with pride and Darren/Puck nearly goes to sleep. OK, they need to give Darren more comedy. This is CLEARLY his strong suit.

Tina's solo is having a magic effect on her crowd. The two Cheerios canoodle and flirt as Artie/Mercedes shippers finally get their moment, and we finally discover the circumstances under which Blaine and Kurt are allowed to show affection to each other: when it's Mark and Cory playing them, and it comes across as funny rather than tender.

Jenna does a rather wonderful job of aping some of Lea's singing quirks, by the way.

New Directions gives Jenna/Rachel the standing ovation that Tina claims as her own, and all of a sudden, she's all better. She goes to give Lea/Tina some kind words for singing backup, and promises her that Season Four will be Tina's chance to shine. I will believe that when I see it, although this episode gives me a lot more faith that there might actually be something there worth showcasing. Jenna's acting is still only OK, but that's true of every single person who is staying at McKinley except, increasingly, Kevin, so who knows?

Lea/Tina encourages Jenna/Rachel to find some way to change Carmen's mind... stalk her, if need be. Yes, stalking people always makes them want to see more of you. Lea/Tina tells Jenna/Rachel that by supporting her, she helps everybody in the group, and with that bit of Rachel worship out of the way, we are back at the fountain. Blaine and Kurt are again fishing Tina out of the fountain, and Kurt, played by Chris Colfer, is concerned about the very expensive, very wet fabric that is still in the water. Jenna is Tina, and Tina is feeling very much better now, thank you.

Report card for the actors involved in the body switch:

Some folks did very little. All they had to do was sit in somebody else's outfit. All passed, and were at least minimally funny. I suspect the weaker actors of the show were given the characters that did less for a reason.

Heather as Mercedes - barely acceptable. Only the wig was convincing, and the fact that they only gave her one line.
Amber as Brittany - better. Good deadpan delivery, and I actually understood her. Maybe the fact that Brittany could be understood today is actually a criticism of Amber's delivery.
Naya as Artie - OK. Not notable either way, except that the concept was hysterical.
Kevin as Santana - WONDERFUL. Spot on, and immensely funny.
Samuel as Mike - just kind of there. Nice hat. Hides the dreadlocks, surely. I suspect they just couldn't let him do anything else because of that hair.
Harry as Joe - really quite funny. Good hair stroking action from Harry.
Damian as Sam - Has the sleeping in class nailed. Surprisingly effective.
Chord as Rory - Just kind of there.
Dianna as Sugar - nailed it. Terrific. Spot on.
Vanessa as Quinn - did almost nothing at all.
Darren as Puck - Managed to steal a huge amount of focus while sitting dead still and yawning. Very nicely done.
Mark as Blaine - REALLY much better than I was expecting. I thought the mannerisms were great.
Matt as Sue - Brilliant. A real joy to see.
Jane as Will - Very good, although not quite as flashy in its effectiveness.
Cory as Kurt - Really quite disappointing. I was surprised. Maybe Cory was afraid of insulting Chris by owning the effeminacy too much. I have to give him credit for not going overboard in making Kurt too swishy, because that is a delicate line even Chris occasionally crosses.
Chris as Finn - Terrific. Mannerisms dead on.
Lea as Tina - Wonderful. One of the few times I actually completely bought into the body switch and went with it at an emotional level.
Jenna as Rachel... Since she was actually Jenna as Tina as Rachel, because she was always Tina the bodysnatcher, this is in a different league. I really enjoyed the whole thing. Jenna, take a bow.



We are back in the rehearsal space, and Sue Sylvester, champion cheerleading coach, is royally wasting everybody's time with a cumbersome Flashdance routine featuring masks that make it impossible for these marginal dancers to see through. Sparks are flying, and so are tempers. The kids just can't do it... because they aren't, you know, robots who can navigate flying sparks without fear. The horror has Jennifer Beals spinning in her grave, some time in the next fifty years or so. Mike can't see through the helmet. Brittany mumbles something unintelligible and I just don't care anymore. Blaine thinks it might be illegal. He might be right. Sam thinks they should unionize. Even Will sees that this is not going to work. Sue sneers and insults, as is her wont, and then asks her favorite little brilliant potential cross - dresser (never gonna happen, Dragon Lady) what he thinks, because she's still kind of fond of Kurt even if she's trying to violate his civil rights. Kurt puts down his size ten men's shoe and declares that he will NOT appear in drag... but he is willing to perform a different service for the team.

Mercedes, Santana, and Brittany burst into the teacher's lounge, quite intent on minding Beiste's business for her. They cite prohibitions that prevent discrimination against blacks, lesbians and really stupid people who can't deliver effective one-liners because they mumble too much, and demand to stay so they can harass a teacher. OK, why does anybody want to work at McKinley? Shannon is NOT happy to see them as she munches on her woes and her chicken, because they appear to think they have the right to tell her how to lead her life. (I REALLY wish Will had been the one to have this conversation with her - or even Sue. These kids should not have the right to badger her.) They saw the ring. They know she's been hanging out with her husband. For shame, for shame.

Ah, but Shannon thinks people deserve second chances... and certainly this is a conflicted episode, because there will be more than one undeserved second chance in this episode, and we are supposed to feel good about the other two, but disgusted about this one. I am in for one out of three, myself. Shannon says she's given Cooter an ultimatum, but it's not quite true. What she has given up is empty words as Cooter's verbal abuse flies and Shannon holds a huge butcher knife near the sink. He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it, I betcha you would have done the same.

Mercedes knows people can't change that fast. Well, actually, they can, (Sebastian Smythe) if it serves the script of the moment. Brittany does not wear underwear. I did not need to know that. THIS one, I understood. Santana tries a much wiser tactic and suggests that Beiste goes with them to Nationals, but she makes her excuses... I don't think even Shannon can body slam the Fridge.

Special Agent Hummel, taking a major in NYADA Countertenor excellence and a minor in espionage, addresses the other Glee club members in the locker room where they have gathered to watch the video he shot of a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal. Nice detective outfit, Sherlock. It's in ever so artistically pretentious black and white - that Prince feller would approve - and we discover that VA dances better than ND. No kidding. This has always been true, probably because VA is made almost entirely of professional dancers and studio musicians, and ND is entirely made up of people who must sometimes attempt to inhabit a character, with varying success. VA can do the Human Centipede. I would like to see Finn and Rachel try this. No, I would not, I do not wish broken necks on either of them. Maybe Mike and Brittany could just to it over and over and over... Blaine wants to try it. Gee, I wonder who his partner would be. Bet they could manage it.

Oh, and they also have Unique, who is pretty darned impressive. Actually, what I think Unique really is, is a person with male parts who sings almost exactly as well as Mercedes does. The only thing that keeps her from being Unique is her plumbing. Finn thinks Rachel is their Unique factor, but since, as we saw earlier this year, there are other girls (Harmony) who do Rachel as well as Rachel does (Sunshine, who I guess graduated) , this is not even close. Every show choir in the country has a little girl with a big... VOICE, Sue. And yes, you are right. It appears that there are two other girls in Rachel's own choir who actually sing every bit as well as she does.
Sue does make a good point. Unique is unique really only because she's a gimmick. If she had female parts, she'd be Mercedes. Puck asks if they really need a guy to dress in drag to win... his brain is perking, here... but Will says no. Sue says yes.

In the next scene, we see Rachel do something that I guess actually ends a lively debate. She is very painstakingly rehearsing her vocal runs and basic technique. She tells Tina that she let herself get overconfident before the NYADA audition, and now she's rehearsing very diligently... so it is indeed possible that Rachel did not really rehearse as much as she should have before her NYADA audition. Maybe she thought she knew the song so well she did not need a refresher. Rachel has stopped harassing Carmen; she knows she can't change her mind. Tina then babbles about the body swapping dream as if Rachel had read the script; and Rachel thinks her brains may still be a tad scrambled, but the upshot is that Lea/Tina told Jenna/Rachel not to take no for an answer, which means that real Rachel advised dream Rachel and she was basically talking to herself; Tina was just a... prop. Or a transmitter, or something. Only from the mind of Ian Brennan.

And... Oh, goody. Tina, who has shown herself quite good at espionage before -she could go into business with Kurt - has found new and improved ways to stalk Carmen Thibodeaux, harass her, and waste her time. It appears the professor just happens to be teaching a master class not too far away... how about that convenient coincidence! If they drive really fast right now, they can stalk her in person! She'll be SO impressed and happy to see them! Not creeped out at all!

Why would Tina do this for Rachel? So that Rachel will leave the state, of course, and give Tina a chance to be the lead. Poor Tina does not realize that we are doing a split narrative next year and Rachel will still be the lead. Oh, and Unique's joining New Directions. Go sway, Tina. Rachel is, for a moment, sorry she pushed Tina aside, and Tina admits that the only part she's fit to play is supporter to Rachel Berry. Rachel tells Tina that next year she'll be the lead female in ND... (unless Harmony shows up. )

Sue announces that since Porcelain refuses to be a team player and dress up like a girl, he will graduate from McKinley as the only original member of New Directions who has never had a competition lead vocal while representing McKinley, and we are all supposed to be fine with that and agree that it was fair. Hey, Mr. NYADA finalist, almost certain to get into the most prestigious fake school in the country, how does it feel to know that nobody at McKinley will give you center stage - EVER - unless you wear a dress? (Finn took most of his song away from him during Rocky Horror because he would not play Frankie, too.) That piece of crashing, screaming injustice deftly swept under the rug, Sue goes on to announce a need for more human props; she's ordered eighteen little people, and I want to know how that even works and if it's legal. Will can smell the lawsuits coming a mile away and finally develops a backbone. He thinks they should try to work on their dancing....

And in comes a vision of inner beauty.

His name was Lola, he was a showgirl,
A tacky blonde wig way up there
Still sprouting lots of body hair
Yes this is Noah,
Prepared to help out...
We appreciate his passion, but he can't wear these fashions
At the Copa...

(Don't fall in love... Don't fall in love.)

Santana is strangely turned on. This is where past and present meet - Puck pretending to be a girl. Sue thinks he's ugly enough to be related to Beiste... Puck feels he has the balls to put them over the top. Nice slam against Kurt, Puck. In a minute you will understand why he won't do this. Will goes bug - eyed. He refuses to continue with the prop nonsense. They will work on choreography, and that is final. Puck heads out, dejected, and steps officially into the world Kurt Hummel inhabits full - time.

The first one to approach him is Rick the Stick. See, Rick the Stick remembers Puck as he was in the good old days. Puck the cruel. Puck the cool. Puck, who officially introduced us to the time-honored tradition of stuffing a terrified sissy into the dumpster as he screams, "Someday you all will work for me!" But that Puck is gone. He's developed a conscience and a few genuine friendships. So today, he did what that terrified sissy knew better than to attempt. He came to school in a dress, intent on helping his glee club. Puck tries to bluff his way out by calling Rick a loser, but they've got his number.

Rick is going to Ohio State to play hockey. He has a future. Puck, who will not graduate, does not.

Remember Saturday Night Glee-ver? It was just a few episodes ago. Will was oh, so incredibly worried about three seniors in his club. He feared for Mercedes, who had been accepted to several colleges. He feared for Finn, who was being offered a place in the family business. He feared for Santana. He was willing to rig a contest to do an intervention for them... but he did not give a bundle of figs about Puck. This is why Will is not, and never should be, Teacher of the Year, and I don't care how many trophies he gets. Now Puck really does face the possibility of becoming the sad older guy in front of the 7 - 11 who flirts with the high school girls and buys kids beer so they will let him party.

Lima loser.

And that's how the fight starts... but Rick remembers the almighty No Tolerance policy against violence, and agrees to meet Puck out in front of the dumpsters, because that's so much better.

 In the car, Tina asks Rachel to update her on the wedding plans so that the Finchel fans don't fret too much. At the moment, Rachel wants to win Nationals, come home, and get married by a rabbi before they take off for New York, since she's totally going there. I think this is a terrible plan, narratively speaking, but maybe there will be more divine intervention. I would not dream of seeing another person get put in a wheelchair, but how about kidnapped and held for ransom? Quinn's had enough for now; I nominate Sugar, since Daddy is rich. Take one for the home team, sweetheart!

Rachel muses about Nationals, and about the lives of adults who find that reality creeps in as their dreams die. You are right; there are a lot of people out there like that. No, stop, that's too depressing. She's several decades too young for a middle-aged crisis. Carmen is going to say "Yes! She has to! Season Four won't work right unless she does! Rachel thanks Tina for her support, and Tina the serf asks a boon of her lady; may they please sing together just once?

OK, here it comes. Rumble at the dumpsters. It did not occur to Puck to:
1. Refuse
2. Tell a teacher
3. Bring backup.

He's prepared to do this battle all alone as a crowd gathers to watch near the buses of this exemplary campus with the No Tolerance Policy. Trash talk commences... it includes a reference to Puck's dad, which really connects painfully. But when Rick insults the microbrew that Puck himself will not touch... Puck swings, and the fight is on. Puck is lucky that the other hockey players do not intervene, but Rick, who excels at organized sports, is a better fighter than he is. Soon Puck is bested and thrown in the dumpster... he has come full circle, although I think it would not gratify Kurt to see this. As the hockey players begin to chant "Loser!" Puck, beaten and bloodied, crawls out of the dumpster with a new plan. He's got... a blade, it appears, and now Rick is genuinely frightened and horrified.

OK, NOW the Beiste shows up. Great timing, Shannon. Get a look at his face before you jump to conclusions. She does, but I've got a pretty serious nit to pick here. Zero tolerance? Not only should Puck have been out, but Rick's college dreams should have just gone up in smoke for this hateful garbage. Detention for the audience. No, that Zero Tolerance Policy only exists for Santana, and only for blackmail purposes.

Puck is the only one she hauls into the locker room.... since she was one of the directors for West Side Story, she should know immediately that this was Bernardo's rubber blade. She wants to point out the consequences for his future - explusion, jail... but he has no future, so he does not care. In what is, without question, the best scene of Mark Salling's career, he screams his rage at his own helpless, hopeless situation. He feels like nothing. His mother does not care. His father is AWOL. Puck feels like he turned out as garbage.

This is the boy who clung to an affair with a teacher and the hope of raising a little girl... they were what he looked to as ways to avoid his encroaching doom. Congratulations, Puckerman. With this scene, in light of what has gone before, you now have, officially, the most logical, the most well-written, the most affecting character arc of the year. Better than Kurt, better than Rachel, miles better than Santana or Finn, and it almost certainly happened by accident. He breaks down in tears as Shannon embraces him... two people who feel they are garbage, but both deserve better. They are bad-asses, but they can be hurt.

This is turning into one of the best episodes of the past two years.

 Carmen Thibodeux is experiencing a different kind of pain. She's teaching a master class to a kid with a very nice voice and very plodding phrasing. Too good to be an American Idol reject, too bad to make it out of Hollywood. The song is "Always True to You" from Kiss Me Kate, and I wanna hear Kurt do this now. We need some personality here. Carmen's critique is accurate, but perfunctory at best. However, she probably would have given this kid hours of her attention if she'd known that Rachel had physically tracked her down. SECURITY! SECURITY! Alas, no such luck. Carmen is much too patient about his. She actually lets Rachel get about ten words out, and she doesn't have them physically removed from the building. The last scene was real, raw, and brilliant. This is fanfiction level tripe, and the reason why it bothers me is that Ian clearly knows this should not be happening.

Carmen delivers the monologue that should end this conversation. Every time she spends dealing with Rachel's emails takes time away from somebody else. Why is she more entitled? Yes, YOU DO TAKE TIME AWAY FROM OTHER PEOPLE. Carmen's tired of it.

That should have been the end of this. Ian was absolutely, perfectly spot on with this right up to the exact instant Tina pipes up. Rachel's entire story has been one of gross entitlement for three years. It's canon as such. That's an OK story to tell, it's an interesting story, it's believable, and there's better ways to get Rachel to New York with Furt... eh, I prefer Kinn... than to have Carmen cave. But Tina charmes the lady by calling Rachel a pain in the ass, and then she says Rachel acts like she's entitled and better than anybody else because she's entitled and better than anybody else. She's entitled to it because she's got the focus and drive that vanishes in her first real audition, right. She has an off day and that decides her entire future?

YES, TINA. IN THIS BUSINESS, YES. Sometimes, indeed. Most of the kids from Glee are here because they had that one big break and they DIDN'T screw it up. Jenna Ushkowitz may have a checkered history on Glee, but she reportedly NAILED that big audition. Chris Colfer was NOBODY. He blew it out of the rafters and created Emmy nominations in a void meant to be peopled by an Indian named Raj.

Olympic athletes prepare for years, decades. They have that one bad day, and it's at Olympic trials? That's it. The dream is over. THAT'S THE WAY IT WORKS. And if Rachel can't recover from a single bad blow, a single blown audition, a single lost chance, then she really doesn't deserve to go to NYADA, because Kurt's been taking it on the chin for years and he never threw in the towel. The theater world is brutally cruel, and it takes no prisoners at all. Rachel cannot expect Carmen to bow down to her like Tina does. Camen should not be merely Rachel's prop.

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for Carmen to give Rachel special consideration, except for bad writing. They didn't give her a safety school or an alternate plan, but next year is screwed unless they get her over there with Kurt and Finn. So they have to resort to this. Carmen will just happen to be singing at the Lyric Opera in Chicago at the same time as Nationals, so why doesn't she just drop her own busy schedule with her own career to come bail out her stalker? Because Rachel just wants it so very, very much, and she is therefore entitled to it.

"I think it's time for you and your friend to go."

That really should have been the end of this. Yes, Rachel can and should audition again next year. Carmen did have to audition four times to get into Julliard. But I bet she didn't stalk the professors and demand her multiple chances out of turn, all at once. This scene was actually very well done and well acted.... it was just completely, entirely, utterly wrong. I would have been much happier if:

1. Shelby was close friends with Carmen and called in a few favors. It's slimy, but it happens all the time. Hell, even Sue could have done that. She seems to know everybody famous who ever lived, including people from other centuries. I fully expect her to reveal her heated, passionate affair with Abraham Lincoln, which ended when he came briefly out of the closet and then married that lunatic Mary so he could go into politics.

2. Carmen had a protege' competing at Nationals. She was going to be there anyway, and would be peeking in on New Directions to see Kurt Hummel, one of the kids she's chosen for her inaugural class, do the big solo he's not going to get because he's not a team player and won't wear a dress. Turn that Kurt Hummel solo into a Hummelberry duet, and suddenly Carmen's got a logical reason to be there, Kurt gets his due, Rachel gets her second chance, and I can stop grumbling. This was an epic fail that really could have been avoided. If ANY kid in New Directions should have had the leverage with Carmen to get Rachel a second spot, it should have been Kurt, simply because... he had already impressed her and she had a reason to listen to him. This went to Tina merely because she's never had a storyline and it was her turn. This second chance was not deserved in this format.

OK, let's get back to something less infuriating. Shannon comes home to find that Hubby Dearest has some pizza waiting for her, the big romantic lug. And wine. With contrived needs of Season Four not on the line, Ian can write an honest script here, so Cooter begins with the same song and dance every abuser pulls out. He's sorry. He's so sorry. He's having a bad week. He won't ever do it again. Now, let's celebrate! ...... P..p..p..please?

And she stares at him with the cold hard stare from Hell. Unflinching. Not budging. Then she puts down the fake switchblade. He is fooled by it. But she won't use a fake rubber blade on him. However, that big kitchen knife? He had it coming, he had it coming...

How did we let it get so out of hand, Cooter? WE? Shannon is done. She's out. She's leaving. She's leaving the shame, she's leaving the ring, she's leaving him. She doesn't hate him. She loves him, and this is why it's hard.... but if she loves him, what does that say for her self-respect?

And that's when Cooter rises to violence and knocks over the table, shouting abuse... Who will ever love her again, poor, homely Beiste? Who will value her?

"Me" says Shannon. And that's it. The only romance of Shannon Beiste's life has lasted about seven months, and she's been married for about three... and she got stuck with this guy. It's a wonderful, powerful scene, and I think Dot's the only shoo-in for an Emmy this year. I mocked the first half of this wife battering story mercilessly, because it was phony, preachy and pedantic, but this finishes it with immense power and honesty. This is not a PSA. This is a story, beautifully told. It's a shame they had to throw Cooter under the bus so fast and so completely to tell it.

Beiste goes off to the auditorium, and she finds Puck strumming his guitar. What follows is a very sweet duet, as touching as it is unlikely. They are singing "Mean" by Taylor Swift, and doing that excellent song far more justice than poor Taylor can herself, bless her heart. This is one of those times when the well-chosen song really, perfectly punctuates the story, and it's sung by the most narratively appropriate people. I am almost surprised that they didn't have Santana go and tell Cooter off by singing this instead, possibly in a duet with Blaine. Yes, that is precisely the kind of inappropriate nonsense they've been pulling all year, but this time, they avoided it, and i-tunes be damned. Boy, Dot's voice is beautiful and rich here. It is easily my favorite song of the two-episode extravaganza. Glee at its absolute best.

Then Shannon offers Puck the only deserved second chance of the night. Shannon went to talk to the geography teacher, and told her about Puck attempting to wear the dress. That was the moment he showed that he cared about something; he showed evidence of character. He didn't stalk her, or stand outside her door and beg, or send her dozens of emails and presents, or tell her that he needed a second chance because he just waaaaaaaaaanted it sooooooooo baaaaaaaad, and that sense of entitlement made him in fact, entitled. He just did something brave and decent, and proved himself worth saving. Therefore, Puck gets to sit his exam again. Bet the house he will pass it this time - it's probably the same questions - and Beiste will tutor him. He helped her, though he does not realize why.

 Well, I am happy to report that the Costume Committee is not a one-woman Asian workshop. It's the purgatory of underclassmen, minus Artie and Sam. Basically, its the hazing ritual for people who joined this year, plus... Tina. Sugar complains that Rachel should sew her own dress, unaware that any dress sewn by Rachel is probably a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. Of course, the show's most well-documented tailor isn't there. Kurt is a senior, so I guess he opted out. I hate Tina's next monologue. They are sewing Rachel's clothes so that Rachel can sing her songs, and none of them would be going to Chicago
if you had not stepped in with great vocals when Little Miss Star got herself suspended and all the other girls turned traitor, Tina
if Rachel wasn't so special and talented. Tina promises this: Put in the work, be a team player, and you will get your solos, just as long as you are not an effeminate boy with a very high voice who is good enough to get one of 20 rare NYADA spots. No, I am never going to stop bitching about this. Inexcusable writing. If they didn't want Chris to sing they should have made Kurt's dream be fashion instead.

And so we now we know that Tina will get all the lead solos in Season Four for sure, just as long as...

1. Unique does not take over in Season Four
2. Harmony does not take over in Season Four
3. The split narrative featuring Kurt and Rachel in New York does not basically swallow the rest of the show whole, so that they take over in Season Four.

Mike, the Asian boyfriend, is happy to see his Asian girlfriend contented and submissive once more. God, I hate this. Tina finally gets a storyline and it's about how she needs to be happy to bow and grovel before Rachel. You have got to be kidding me.

Sue and Will are finalizing the setlist for Nationals - the girls will sing Gaga WITHOUT Kurt this time, because god knows he can't sing Lady Gaga for squat, except for all those times when he nailed it - and Shannon arrives. She wants to be a chaperone for Nationals. Sue is snarky and rude until she finds out that Shannon left Cooter for good, and then she hugs her quite warmly and sincerely. They have finally found the best mix of nasty and warm for Sue. She remains acerbic and rude, but I can believe that she's connecting genuinely with other people and I hope this incarnation of Sue remains.

After some sentimental Finchel blather at the lockers, Rachel does her pity duet with Tina; it's Flashdance. Jenna sounds much better on this song than Lea does. They sing in the auditorium, through the halls, and onto the bus that will take them to Nationals.

And then they won Nationals and lived happily ever after. Oh, I've got to recap the next one, too? Ok, Ok, but I'm taking a breather first. The next episode is not as good as this one was.